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No DH...don't put me in that position ever again

halo1998's picture

Submitted by halo1998 on Fri, 10/21/2022 - 10:06am

I have found this an interesting thing that DH does.

See..DH's complaint of me that is that I'm too controling.  Mmmkay...that is true I can be.  I'm working very hard to manage that and my anxiety, which is the root of the control issues.  Part of that is disengaging from the Beaver/SD and DH triangle. I can't control or effect that mess so I have to let it go.  *****deep breath***

SD has a boyfriend..the muppet.  He looks like a muppet with hair, etc.  Nice kid but still they are two 16 year olds.  I don't trust them any farther than I can throw them..and I am not about to be taking care of the monkey's monkey shall we say.

So...yesterday DH had an appointment and I had made plans with DD to go candle shopping.  It candle season y'all.  That would mean SD would be home alone and the Muppet was over.  I ask DH...so about the Muppet what do you want me to do with him when I leave with DD.  

DH.."Oh I think they will be fine at home by themselves for an hour or so while your gone.  I can trust SD."

My response was ok.  In my head..OH EFF NO....are you insane DH?  

Now both DH and were hellions when we were young...and left alone with a boyfiend at the house..yea....ok..I can tell you I wouldn't have been watching TV and I know for fact that DH wouldn't be either. 

But..not my monkey..not my circus.  So alone they were left.

Fast forward later...DH asks for my opinion on them laying together on the couch.  For whatever reason, that bothered him more then them being alone.  I said I wasn't a fan of it..but not my call.  Then he asks what I thought about them being alone.  Also not a fan of that either.  I know if I was left alone like that....all sorts of stuff would have happened.  But again..not my call.

DH is all like..I'm torn..I want to trust her and I don't think she would do anything.   Ok...your call DH.  (in my head..WTF DH)

Then..DH sensing I'm not onboard with this plan..pulls out the ..

Sigh....ok Halo just tell me what I should do.

OH EFF NO DH...NOT A CHANCE AM I TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO. (This is also in my head)

What I said was.

"DH I do not appreciate your saying that.  I am expressing an opposite opinion to yours.  You asked for that opinion, if you did not want what could be an opposing position, then do not ask for my opinion.  Do not tell me to tell you what to do.  I will not do that anymore.  You will not have me tell you what to do, not like what I tell you and then tell me I'm too controling. That is unfair to me and setting me up for failure."

DH...*looking a toddler that just got caught stealing cookies".  I'm sorry...you are right.  I just don't know what to do about SD.  I'm not used to her having a boyfriend and if I had my way should be 30 before she had one." 

In the end...DH decided to trust her.  Not what I would do...but it is his decision.

I, however, have made it CRYSTAL CLEAR..I will not be raising, supporting or baby sitting the monkey's monkey should that happen.

Comments

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Fri, 10/21/2022 - 10:25am

I know its not your circus, but just asking, is she on bc?

I know how I was at that age, too.

halo1998's picture

Submitted by halo1998 on Fri, 10/21/2022 - 10:36am

they other day.  I sat in on that one....and he did go over the options and told her he would support what ever bc choice she wanted.

**shruggs shoulders**  I think DH is being rather naive...but not my desicion to make.

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Fri, 10/21/2022 - 10:41am

This isnt the most direct option but when there was indecision about DD16 going on bc, we made the decision based on her wish to clear up her complexion. Lame, I know, but it did the job.  Or perhaps SD needs to stop her cramps...

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Submitted by notsurehowtodeal on Fri, 10/21/2022 - 10:56am

When my SD was a teen, I disengaged on almost everything except birth control. I stepped over every line and took her to Planned Parenthood. I was determined that she not get pregnant as a teenager, and I succeeded. I'm not saying you need to go that far, but I wouldn't worry about being "controlling" when it comes to SD and birth control.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Fri, 10/21/2022 - 11:16am

I kinda agree here. While I wouldn't force a teen to go on birth control, I would make myself available to take them to get on it.

Halo, if you want to, I think you can still be disengaged but offer a lifeline to SD in this situation. It's not about being in control or making parenting decisions. It's about helping SD facilitate her own healthcare. If you're up for it, I think it's entirely reasonable to say to her "hey, if you aren't comfortable with your parents taking you to get BC but you need help, come to me and I'll help you out." I'd extend the same offer if she ever needed a ride because she got drunk or ended up in a bad situation that she couldn't handle herself. It's still on her to make the ask, and if she doesn't, there isn't anything else you should do.

I'm of the opinion that there are just certain things that, as adults in the lives of kids and teens, we can't just disengage from. With kids, it's things like feeding them. With teens, it's making sure they have a trusted adult who can help them navigate adult situations that they're not ready for but are being presented with.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Fri, 10/21/2022 - 1:10pm

My YSD asked me if I would take her.. I told her that her mother would put me UNDER the jail.. BUT.. I did tell her that in our state.. she did not need parental consent to get it.. and said.. doesn't your sister have her license and a car?  she got it taken care of.. i gave advice.. but not "permission"

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 10/22/2022 - 9:11pm

I'm of the opinion that there are just certain things that, as adults in the lives of kids and teens, we can't just disengage from. With kids, it's things like feeding them. With teens, it's making sure they have a trusted adult who can help them navigate adult situations that they're not ready for but are being presented with.

Compliance with behavioral and perfomance standards not withstanding.

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Fri, 10/21/2022 - 11:04am

Both SDs brag/bragged about being virgins. Toxic Troll was always the one in charge of doctor visits (oh yes see where that got everyone...)

advice.only2's picture

Submitted by advice.only2 on Fri, 10/21/2022 - 1:04pm

Right!!!  I see this happening and SD sounds like the type of person who would be completely oblivious and would think she was just getting fat and didn't know all that moving in her stomach was a baby she thought it was gas.

halo1998's picture

Submitted by halo1998 on Fri, 10/21/2022 - 11:27am

I was upset that he attempted to have me make the decision for him. He does that alot where he doesn't want to make the decision but then resents someone telling him what to do.

That type of shiz...has cause so much of a problem in our marraige.  

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Fri, 10/21/2022 - 11:40am

If you guys are still going to counseling, I'd bring this topic up.  For you, its him offloading decision-making about the SKs onto you.  For him, its, hopefully, opening his eyes about teen sexuality.

halo1998's picture

Submitted by halo1998 on Fri, 10/21/2022 - 12:21pm

and I will most certainly be brining up this as something we need to work on.

I know I have learned..I don't have to accept what he is trying to off load.  That has been a problem through out our marriage....he offloads and feels better...and take it on and feel awful.  I feel awful and disengage from him and everyone else.

advice.only2's picture

Submitted by advice.only2 on Fri, 10/21/2022 - 11:45am

When Spawn was 16 she began dating a 20 year old, I told DH I didn’t feel it was appropriate, but whatever, he saw no harm in it.  I did tell him he should probably make sure Spawn got on some form of BC unless he wanted to be a grandDH soon.  So DH brings it up to Spawn, who goes completely ballistic, brings Meth Mouth into the whole situation who begins calling DH a pervert for thinking of his daughter that way, it was a sh@t show.  In the end Spawn got on BC and made sure DH knew she and Meth Mouth thought he was a pervert.  Personally I think they both threw such a fit because the guy’s parents were rich and had money and I think they were hopeful Spawn would get pregnant and have herself an 18 year paycheck. 

halo1998's picture

Submitted by halo1998 on Fri, 10/21/2022 - 12:21pm

you are right one that one. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 10/22/2022 - 9:22pm

makes it entirely likely that SD-16  and her 20yo BFwere bumping uglies regulartly.  That that kid, the 20yo, escaped polluting his gene pool with Meth Mouths meal ticket spawn is a great outcome for him and for his parents.

Meth Mouth pimping her teen daugther out to a 20yo to get an 18yr CS paycheck for SD is disgusting.  

Your DH is far from a perve. That MM and SD attempted to tag him with that label when MM was her daughters pimp just adds to the disgusting nature of MM.

Elea's picture

Submitted by Elea on Fri, 10/21/2022 - 12:43pm

When SD was 16 DH allowed her boyfriend to come over and they cuddled and who knows what on the couch while DH went to bed at 9:30. When I went to bed at midnight (not my circus) they were still at it. I don't know exactly why but I found the make-out session so repulsive. Also unbelievable that DH just put his head in the sand and let them go at it. In addition to the obvious concerns it bothered me that SD16 was rude, demanding and pouty when she had to spend time here. At that time she claimed she didn't want me to be with her Dadddeee and she wouldn't even say hello or goodbye to me (DH did keep insisting) and she made a point of slamming doors and stomping around yet obviously she felt comfortable enough here to make out with her BF. Why not go make-out at your precious BM's house who you claim loyalty to? Oh I know why, BM  would not know how to handle it, act weird and probably embarrass you to your little BF. 

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Fri, 10/21/2022 - 3:08pm

Get on Amazon and buy a Plan B pill or two.  Put them away in case needed.  They are good for a year.  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Fri, 10/21/2022 - 3:39pm

YSD was fourteen when she came to live with us, already sexually active. Lazy BM had neglected her medical and dental health,  so as part of playing catch up I made sure she was on bc. We did not allow boys in her room and supervised pretty closely - DH was a teen dad, and no way was I, a child free person, going to allow that cycle to repeat in my home.

YSD ran off at nineteen, and had a baby at twenty. Thank Dog it wasn't my problem.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 10/22/2022 - 9:27pm

in our parent's home.

They did hire a  mid to late teen baby sitter for my little brother when I was 12-13.  She liked playing naked hide and seek in the dark after putting my 6yrs younger brother to bed. Not sanctioned by my parents, but, very educational for me.

Dad kept a box of condoms in the closet and coached us in their use as we progressed through out teens.  But neither mom nor dad pimped their sons out.

Unlike Meth Mouth and sadly far too many other blended opposition parents.