New hurt - needing insight - part 3 (So sad and what do I even say now?)
So this is sort of a part 3, but not sure how to just do a blog without explaining the past every single time so thought I should reference the previous blogs in some way.
So he is not coming home from the hunting trip - only stopping by to pick up clothes/things and heading to his friends' house to stay. (I'll be at work so no idea when this will take place today.) After not much word from him this wknd, we talked on the phone yesterday and I lost my cool because he was being so disrespectful. He hung up on me - second time in 48 hours. I apologized via text for losing my cool and explained my frustration over barely hearing from him. So we went back and forth in texts, which was 80% my texts and 20% his texts. For me, it was the same old, "I cannot take the utter disrespect and lack of caring. I have asked for love and am met with loathing." "I can't take feeling sad anymore without you caring. Please go to youre friend's house. " Etc. Etc. For him , it was brief word responses here and there.
I woke up to find a text he sent at midnight basically saying what he is asking is that he can see and do stuff with "the girls," go up north or similar things without a battle. If those things are off the table, we can't talk. I love you but I am not battling these things." Oh, and he is also going to his friend's either way for now.
I am really torn here. I read his text as he gets to do whatever the hell he wants when he wants it and f*ck my feelings if I am uncomfortable with him taking his OD anywhere for a weekend. I keep pointing out my needs and it's like he is not hearing me.
GIven "the girls" history, is it unreasonable for me to have a say in how he sees his girls (e.g.; dont take the OD anywhere for a wknd)
Is it unreasonable that I have jealousy because their feelings seem to matter more than mine?
I have not responded to the midnight text and not even sure what to say. Very sad here . What do I even say?
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Comments
Is this relationship worth
Is this relationship worth saving? He's been abundantly clear that his daughters and himself come first and that your opinion, your feelings are of no importance. He has insulted you, been rude to you and belittled you ... why are you putting up with it?
Worth saving? I thought so,
Worth saving? I thought so, but not so sure anymore. I keep remembering who I fell in love with and how things used to be so this is tough.
Please don't stay because of
Please don't stay because of memories. Take a long hard look at what it is today because that is reality.
THIS!
A million times over.
OP he is whipping you back into shape. The shape that is unhealthy for you and your relationship.
Thats the thing about memories, they are in the past lady.
Why be with someone who is cold and calculated . When push comes to shove you just dont matter.
Dang it lady, you matter, just not with these people. Be with your people, and it aint them.
Blessings
Man, it hurts to think that I don't matter to him
Man, it hurts to think that I don't matter to him but his actions speak louder than words. Honestly, he isn't even speaking the words any more. It hurts so damn bad. I am actually thinking about leaving work for the day. Yeah, that bad.
Thank you for the kind words and wake-up call. Please keep it coming.
Two questions in the meantime: 1) So how do I answer that last text of his? 2) Do most of you feel like we should come first before the skids? Is that realistic?
Frankly
I wouldnt answer his text. Ignore. He is not respectful.
Its not a matter of who comes first actually. Its the fact that your DH is abusive to you. You have been treated like second class garbage by the person you vowed to spend your life with. Someone that low can never prioritize in a healthy manner. So who comes first is not what you need to worry about in the grand scheme of things!
I think as to who comes first is a hard way to look at it. There should be a heirarchy in any family, even the not so blended ones. You and your DH are the main actors, followed by the supporting actors (well not so much lol) the skids.
If your DH puts the kids wants at the expense of you, it just wont work. I think if we feel valued, loved, and cared for we apt to be more generous towards surrounding relationships. When you are marginalized, like you are, of course being human comes to play and you resent these shitty skids.
Your DH is cruel. Think about it, who is ever OK with their husband playing nice with people who dont want you to breathe. NOBODY would. Thats step family for you. Right or wrong you need extra thick skin. Your DH though sounds abusive to you, so skids or not you need to rethink him.
Hun life can be great again, but not around this.
I would tell him to take his
I would tell him to take his time at his friends, you have no desire to see him right now anyway.
As for coming before his kids- that is more tricky. Our marriages should be our first priority but our kids are our first responsibility. So does that mean we always come first- no. But it means that decisions are discussed and compromises made. It means that the kids needs are taken care of before our wants. It also means that our needs, even emotional ones should be at the forefront of our spouses mind. If there is spare funds, time, etc- we ask, what does our marriage need after the kids needs are handled.
Date nights should be a priority. When kids are young- bedtimes and bed routines established so that you have time to connect at night. When kids are older, we don't drop everything to play chauffeur for unplanned events. Visitation schedules are planned and changes are minimum. There are a million ways to prioritize your spouse without taking from your kids, you just have to want to do it and know the difference between needs and wants/ responsibility and priority.
On one hand, yes, you do have
On one hand, yes, you do have to accept him seeing his kids. It doesn't matter that they are liars, manipulators, etc. They are his children and that is kind of the end of it.
On the other hand, you deserve and should demand respect. His attitude, actions and the way he speaks to you clearly shows he doesn't respect you as his partner or even as a person.
So while the fight of seeing his kids should be something you disengage from- as long as he is paying his portions of the bills and your needs in the relationship are met- he should be able to see his kids freely. However, with the way he acts, I would say good riddance and move on. There are bigger things at play here than him just wanting to see his daughters.
Came to say this
This is spot on. We all have to bite our tongues when it comes to how our spouses parent their kids- but we don't have to put up with actions like this.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I know how hard it is!
Bingo!
Bingo!
OP - this is the correct response. Doesn't matter that he is willing to put himself in danger to see his kids. That's on him. What you get to decide is if you can live with him making those choices. You can't - and you're justified to some extent as to why it makes you uncomfortable. You're also justified in not feeling loved and appreciated when you work to do things for the relationship and he blows it off for something else.
The kids aren't the only problem here. Even if the kids were gone, the problems would still exist because how he acts wouldn't change. It would just shift to something or someone else.
Agree with the other ladies,
Agree with the other ladies, when/how he sees his daughters is really not your decision to make. That it makes you uncomfortable is your issue. I don't think he SHOULD have to battle you about spending time with them, regardless of how messed up they are or what they did in the past. It does come off as controlling, but sometimes when everything else if out of control, you try to focus on what you think you can.
In your case, given you aren't married and know you can make it financially w/out him, and he becomes verbally abusive, I would move on. Make him an offer if you want to keep the house, as you said, cash in hand and all that.
I realize it's not easy and you cling to hope from past interactions, but it is unlikely to change, it likely will get worse (ask me how I know).
You are at an advantage that you can make it on your own and you aren't married. Capitalize on that and move on with your life. If I didn't have the financial stress I have now, I would do the same. And that's with me and my SD now having a very good relationship (after years of struggles) and I love hear dearly, imperfections and all. My issue is with him.
I don't think it's worth
I don't think it's worth saving, my dear. He's an abusive man, don't tolerate it, it will only get worse.
So he left...
He went to his friend's house "for awhile." I don't especially like not knowing how long he plans to be there since he holds all the cards then. In the 20 min or so that I saw him while he picked up some clothes and toiletries, I ended up feeling like it was all my fault. He was angry and not receptive to any real conversation. He said I called him a liar which I did because he lied to me on Friday. I pointed out all of the terrible things he has said to me in the past and as of late, name-calling, etc and he said it wasn't as bad as being called a liar. Seriously? He was gaslighting the heck out of me. (One time I told him he was gas lgihting me and he gave me a hard time about the term "gas lighting.") Sometimes I feel like I am losing it!
You feel like you are losing
You feel like you are losing it because that is how he wants you to feel and he is good at what he is doing to you.
I would pack the rest of his stuff up this weekend and tell him that it will be on the curb and locks are changed.