It's clear you seem to not be thinking straight. Honestly, you seem unhinged.

Your stepson has clearly triggered your fear of rejection. Reading between the lines, you sought to "save him" from his mentally unstable mother and believed you would be his new, improved mom and the 4 of you would be one big happy family.

There is a part you forgot. Teenagers are buttheads and most children want the love of their biomom even if she's unfit or mentally unstable. They crave that biological connection and can be easily guilted and manipulated.

Another part you seem surprised by is that teenagers frequently have crappy attitudes. That's not to say they shouldn't be checked or face consequences for said crappy attitude, but it shouldn't come as a shock.

The place where you really lost me is the punishment for your SS losing his virginity. I am not sure what your beliefs are but the consequences seem pretty severe. I wouldn't have been happy about my kids doing the same, but taking ALL privileges away is a punishment that doesn't seem to fit the "crime." If he did it in your house, that's one thing. You can't control him when he leaves the house = FACT.

Finally, my observation from what you wrote is that you are totally unhinged because things didn't go according to your plan. BM didn't disappear and SS didn't elevate you to mom status and keep you there. What goes relatively unmentioned is your husband's parenting. He is the missing link. He is the one you need to be upset with. He is the one who bedded and pro-created with BM and allows his son to disrespect you. Your SS does it because his father doesn't put a stop to it.

You have a weak spouse and you have unrealistic expectations of your stepchild in terms of loyalty to you. I think your past traumas are at the root of your severe unhappiness and I hope you talk to someone. You have more power in this situation than you realize and that power needs to be applied towards your husband.

Welcome and ((hugs)) to you.

Obviously you are living this life and we only see a snip-it of it. However, it seems like this is a vast over-reaction. Losing his virginity is not something he should be in "trouble" for, even if you don't approve of the girl. That is going to tie sex to judgment, punishment, and other negative thoughts. Not something you want for him to feel. 

A talk about safe sex, consent, love- those are the ways it should have been addressed. Calling a teenage girl a white trash skank just really makes you seem insecure. 

As for SS telling his mom that he loves her and is making future plans with her- SHE IS HIS MOM. It's in his nature to love her. He is hardwired for that. It doesn't mean that she is a good mom, it just means that she is his mom. 

I really think you should seek therapy for yourself in all of this. What you are expecting of your ss is not realistic of any teenager. 

I think it was a mistake to go through his phone.. I don't think it is a surprise at all that he loves his mom.. but that doesn't mean that what he said to you was a lie.. at least not at the time.  She is his bio mother.. for better.. for worse.

It sounds like you were pretty quick to cut off your affection when you had your own child and I don't think that a bio mother would have necessarily had the same reaction.. but he isn't your bio child.. and it's a complicated situation.  

I don't think it's as easy as your DH wants it to be.. but I highly doubt your SS's skank hijinks were designed as some affront to you.. he is a teen boy.. the hormones they rage.. you had already pulled back your parenting.. his mom is a crap one.. and we don't know where dad is in all of this ... so.. yeah.. it was a pretty stiff reaction to something that is pretty commonplace to have happened I think.. not totally out of the ordinary..though I get that it may not be parent approved.. 

If your husband is worth this.. have you thought about counseling.. for you, for him.. for your SS? It sounds like he is struggling with your new family dynamic right now.. don't you think he could possibly have some of his own trauma and insecurities?  don't you all?

Have you seen a doctor?  Are you still nursing or trying to get your horomones straight?  The reactions you write about seem a bit extreme.  But you also seemed to be hit with a lot and a mentally unstable BM can test the best of us.   
 

Take care of you first, then baby.   No man is perfect and as careful as you made your choice in partner, humans are a messy lot.  Teenagers especially.  

Love is not pie.  If someone else gets a small piece, that doesn't mean there is less for you.

Loving you and loving his mother is not an either/or scenario.  He loves you both.  Maybe she doesn't deserve his love, but children are biologically hardwired to love their parents.

He had sex because he's a teenager, not because he wanted to hurt you. 

Please stop referring to people as "trash" "skank" and "slut".

How is your child never going to know that his brother has a different mother? Why would you not want him to know that BM exists?

I know you said you are in therapy - do you tell your therapist what is really happening in your life? If this a "regular" therapist, or someone afflitated with your church? Because I can't imagine a therapist thinking that your over reaction to your SS losing his virginity is ok. The kid had sex on his brother's birthday - I just can't understand why you are taking that so personally.

Please try and put his behavior in perspective. It is normal for teenagers to be curious about sex and it is normal for him to love his BM, even if she doesn't treat him well. He can love both of you. And kids often treat the person who loves them most the worst, because they know that person isn't going anywhere.

You said you don't want your son to know of BMs existence.  He doesn't have to know her or interact with her.  But to explain to your son when he is an appropriate age his family tree, explaining that SS has a different mom will be part of it.  They are brothers who have a different mom.  Because you don't want her to exist does not mean she does not exist.

Reality is, not all teenagers practice abstinence or wait until marriage to have sex.  Your ss is one of them.  You may want to loosen your grip on his virginity.

Your child from knowing about BM? Your husband will be awarded shared custody. You just said yourself that he is a good Dad and even sucky Dads win custody. You just won't be around when your son is at Dad's and you will have no say who he is exposed to during Dad's time. Your son is not going to care about BM. He is literally an infant. By the time he is old enough to really understand the family dynamics you will be old and so will everyone else and he still won't care ... BM is impacting your life and is your ex's problem, not your sons. Your emotional reactions are off the charts. Get some therapy and perspective of others outside yourself. You seem to have significant unhealed trauma. Also, your views on sex, teen girls and your SS are outdated and inappropriate. 

So you'd leave your husband over his son simply being a teenager with teenage attitude doing teenage stupid stuff? Isn't that taking your marriage vows rather lightly?

If you are being clear and transparent with your therapist, as in exactly what you are putting on this group, then I'd say you need a new therapist. You have unrealistic expectations. Your son will eventually learn his half brother has a different mom. Your SS is doing nothing wrong in "loving" his mom. He always will. And yes, she will have some impact on his life, just as you will have some impact on your own son's life. Whether you stay in your marrage or not, your son WILL see his dad and WILL see his half brother. Not sure what your therapist is telling you on that issue but courts will decide that.

On the sex issue, I strongly suggest you re-read ESMOD's comments. Stop calling that girl names. It's dehumanizng and you really know nothing about her personally except gossip from the kids. And regardless, ESMOD listed multiple reasons she could be at the place she is in life, her own abuse a strong possibility with those behaviors. Your SS is 14....while we may not like it, kids are now sexually active at that age and the next step would have been a positive talk about sex, protection, STDs, unplanned pregnancies, love, etc. Not the beat down he was given. SMH

I'm sorry you are having a rough time (that's putting it mildly, I know).  I think you have two options:  one is to divorce your husband and the other is to disengage from the SS. 

I know you are upset over SS's behavior (lying, etc), but I would let your husband deal with that (if he will).  I think it is okay to let SS know you are disappointed about him lying and with his choices.  I too would have concerns about him having sex because of the consequences (pregnancy, disease, etc), but I wouldn't punish him for the act itself.  If that girl made a fool him, well, that is his lesson to learn.  Is that girl really promiscuous?  Who knows, but if I were you, I'd not even worry a little bit about her - who cares.  Sounds like this young lady has her own set of issues.  Name-calling only makes you look like like bad guy.  Is the situation embarrassing?  Sure, for everyone.  But ultimately, it is a choice made by him and he can suffer the aftermath.  At the same time, he needs to understand if he gets a girl pregnant, he'll be thrust into adulthood much, much quicker and the fun and games will end.  However, that is a conversation his dad needs to have with him.  Being completely permissive with a teenager isn't a good thing, neither is being overly harsh.  Guidance is key (again, you can support dad but he needs to be the leader) along with setting expectations with consequences - those are also very important.  But, again, if DH isn't willing to parent his son, things may get worse.  DH should be shutting his son's disrespectful behavior toward you down.  If DH is willing to listen to your concerns, guide his son, set expectations/consequences, etc., then things may work out for all involved. As far as BM, don't interact with her at all.  Don't talk about her at all.  She is not your problem. However, your child will eventually know about her or of her - you can't completely avoid acknowledging her existence as your child gets older.  Please make yourself the bigger person by not name-calling or showing anger - just explain to your child that BM is the half-sibling's mom and leave it at that.   Remember your little one will be looking to you as a role model.  How you handle yourself sets an example....

The other option you have is to disengage with SS.  Don't speak to him, don't interact, don't do things for him.  Don't even look at him.  Make him your husband's problem completely.  It sounds like your feelings are hurt that he wanted you to adopt him and then his personality changed.  I know that hurts.  But you also need to remember that as a stepparent, you'll never be "mom," no matter how bad you want that.  His mother will trump you 100% of the time - no matter how awful she is to him, no matter what crazy things she does, she is always mom.  I know that sucks, I think everyone on this site has been there.  I wanted my ex SS to like me too and at first, he did.  But, I never got my hopes up that we'd be really close and I'm glad I didn't because in the end, he didn't like me anyway.  Though I supported him financially and did many things his mother didn't, he still preferred her over me (not the reason I left).  Hurtful?  Yes, but expecting to be given the same respect as a biological parent is just setting yourself up for heartbreak.  Also, I wondered if his behavior changed after your child was born because maybe he felt left out?  Just a thought...

Final thought:  With regards to going through SS's phone, I think you are opening yourself up to more hurt and disappointment, you may find things best left alone.  Even when I somewhat liked my exSS, I would not have gone through his phone for any reason.  I know I would have found things in there that just would p&ss me off.  :O

Please take some time to reflect calmly on your situation.  Don't make any knee-jerk reaction decisions just yet.  Talk to your husband when you are calm.  If the two of you work as a team, you can deal with SS and you all can get through this.  If your husband isn't wanting to be a parent to his son, then that's a whole other issue.

From your post, I can tell your feelings are hurt, or at least, that's how it seemed to me.  **HUGS** I really hope things get better!

Please keep us posted - we are all here for you! 

I'm surprised you didn't mention what is most likely happening here. My read is that your SS loves you deeply and sees you as a mom. His behavior didn't happen until you had your son. Can you connect the dots?

He's jealous that he doesn't have as much of your attention anymore. And as a teenager he doesn't know how to handle those emotions. This happens even with bio siblings. In his world, his bio mom was emotionally unavailable and abusive and you became mom during his formative years. You are major parts of his core memories and helped shape who he is. He's feeling rejected and in turn, I'm guessing you are feeling rejected by him too. 

I have to say, your lashing out about him losing his virginity with a "skank" is out of left field. I think you are being very unfair and shaming him senselessly. Are you looking for reasons to judge him so harshly? Maybe because he hurt you? 

What he decides to do with his bio mom is his business and he's entitled to explore that as an adult. Him reconnecting with his bio mom does not take away what you mean to him. Whatever goes on with BM won't ever eclipse your role with him. You seem like a decent person, so I doubt you want to send a message saying "I'll be your surrogate mom, under these conditions." I'm sure your bond and your integrity is deeper than that.

My suggestion is to talk to him with an open heart and compassion. I would first apologize to him, even if you feel you are 20% at fault and he's 80%, it's still good to take ownership of your part. Stick to how much you have loved him, how you loved being his mom, all the qualities you love about him. Tell him how smart, kind, funny, interesting, etc. he is. I would avoid using any of the whole "you're so smart BUT you're being so [insert negative judgement]" and avoid "you have so much potential/you could be so smart/I thought you were better than this, etc" because all of that sends a message to him that he is defective. Then lead with how you're feeling "XYZ" emotions. Maybe hurt from being rejected, or hurt from the words he's used, or fearful that you might lose this relationship with him that is extremely important to you.

I think this rage is coming from a place of you caring a lot about the dream you had, a dream with him included. But lashing out won't help. If you put your heart out on the table and become completely vulnerable, people usually respond with compassion. But make sure you maintain awareness of your expectations. If you do all of this and he still rejects you, because he might, be ready to accept that. I would have something ready to say like "I'm really hurting because of your words. But whenever you're ready, I forgive you and would love to be close again." You want to talk about being the rock to him that you promised you would be by adopting him? That would be a heck of a way of showing it.

So a teenager who grew up with an abusive mother and has conflicting emotions about her (like most abused kids do) who go overly punished for making a decision about his life and body that had nothing to do with you and was likely fueled by your own trauma and fears is scum on the bottom of your shoe because he won't swear undying love to you and reject his birth mother while conforming to your rules entirely?

You're just as much a problem as his own birth mother. You invaded his privacy. You gave him expectations that he had to meet (e.g. love you as his mother, reject his own mother) without discussing with him if he agreed with them. You set moral boundaries for him and his body without discussing with him if he agreed. You punished him beyond the crime because of how it made YOU feel and YOUR perception of it being disrespectful. You've put this kid in a position where, unless he conforms to your standards entirely, you view him as disrespectful.

No. You're just wrong. You also greatly misunderstand what will happen if you leave your husband, though for the sake of your SS it would probably be a good idea. What you're commiting is emotional abuse. What you're doing is being controlling, not parenting. Yeah, he's a teen and a human so he's going to make dumb decisions. What you have to do as the adult is work with him to understand and overcome the consequences of those decisions, not withdraw your support and lock him up like a criminal.

You need to disengage at the very least from anything related to your SS and your DH needs to set the standards and dole out consewuences for his son. You lost the privilege to be a parental figure the minute you tied your support to his devotion toward you. This is gross.