New here - hurting and needing insight
I have been reading ST for awhile now, but this is my first writing. I am hurting and hoping someone can offer insight. I feel like I am losing it – one minute I feel empowered, and the next minute I feel weak and second-guessing myself. (Warning this may be long, but I will do my best to summarize.)
My fiancé and I have been together 8 years. I am in my early 50s and he is in his late 40s. He has two daughters from a previous marriage, ages 21 and 17. I have one daughter from my previous marriage, age 11. I share custody with my ex. I do not get CS. He and I are very reasonable and work well with one another for the most part. My SO’s ex is very dramatic and has claimed to have every illness under the sun (Lupus, lyme disease, fibromyalgia, cancer, etc. All lies.) She brings “the girls” to the doctor for the most minor things, usually the emergency dept. She has terrible credit and constantly tries to hit him up for money, emails with issues, etc. He pays half of the medical bills - even if he disagrees, he will not voice an opinion and says “its just easier to go along with it.” He is afraid the ex will take him back to court. So I am the one that put a hold on getting married because I didn’t want my finances intertwined with his while he was still paying his ex CS (A lot! She works, but still gets $800 a month from him for the youngest SD.) I worked hard to pay off my debt including student loans for an undergrad and grad degree. I figured why not wait to marry until "his girls" are both 18.
His ex and girls have mental health issues. His YD has bi-polar and borderline PD. I knew something was off the moment I met her. Apparently, she was out of control since 2 yrs old. She is very attention -seeking. When she was in middle school, she claimed to see dead people among other things. She accused her dad of beating her and choking her (definitely did not happen) and claimed her mom beat her with a metal pipe (again, did not happen). He was so distraught and concerned what she might claim next that he had the BM take her full-time. This was before we bought a house together. Neither girl has spent much living time at our house. They both have had such erratic behavior that I was not comfortable having them around my BD which my SO understood.
His YD has been in the psychiatric ward 4 times over the last few years. His OD faked an overdose and was also put in a pysch ward for a week a few years ago. The oldest wanted her bf to move in with her when she was still in high school and we wouldn’t allow it. The BM allowed it so we didn’t see much of the OD after that. The OD dropped out of college her first year and lied about it to my SO. She HATES me without any reason that we can see. I have done a lot for both girls, but stopped about two years ago because I was always the bad guy in some way particularly with the OD who was a total mini-wife when I met my SO. (I look back and see red flags – wish I would have paid attention.) It goes on and on like this. I could write pages just on these types of incidences.
Fast forward to now. I was upset because my SO decided he was going to ask his OD to join him on a wknd hunting trip because his ex thought it would be a good way to mend their rift. This would be almost 4 hours in the car one way, a weekend, and 4 hours back. I was very uncomfortable with this and asked him to pick any day on the calendar to hang out with her to try to mend things, but please do not take her with you for the wknd. He refused, and flat out told me that my feelings didn’t matter, called me a pretentious bitch, told me to fuck off, etc. He said he will not adjust the calendar date and will not compromise. (This is a well-educated man btw.) He drinks too much and says harsh things.
My SO has informed me (via text from the basement) that he is leaving tomorrow to stay with a friend until we can sell the house we own together. (I don’t want to sell the house.) He has informed me that he will no longer put me before his kids. To add salt to the wound, this was our anniversary wknd and I had rented a cabin on a lake as a surprise gift. We did not go, and I am trying to get my money back. ☹
Ironically, his OD said no to the wknd trip.
I feel so foolish. Should I have just been ok with the wknd trip? It didn’t feel right and I would have hoped he could have just respected my feelings on it and adjusted the date. I really want this to work but wonder if too much damage has been done. He is a wonderful man and I really do love him. He is great with my BD too. I am really hurting. Please help me to see things clearly. I feel so convoluted. Thanks in advance for your insight.
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Comments
Wow. I am so sorry for your
Wow. I am so sorry for your hurt and pain. Your request was reasonable. He's already been accused of abuse. He could very well wind up in jail. He told you how he feels, believe him. Do not let him manipulate you into apologizing & accepting his BS behavior.
His spawn has serious issues that will not disappear at 18, case in point OD. LEt the trash take itself out. You deserve better.
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response. Yes to "he could end up in jail." He downplays all of these things as if everybody's DDs function like this. Ugh.
I agree that I deserve better! We all do!
Buy him out
Of the property/sign a quit claim, then jettison him and the royal first family. AKA RUNNN!!
More red flags than a communist parade. Consider the last eight years as invaluable experiemce in learning what NOT to do
I am 8 yrs older than my SO with 3 kids from his first royal family
And if I had to do it all over again I wouldn't. Cougaring is HIGHLY overrated.
"More red flags than a
"More red flags than a communist parade" made me laugh out loud. Thanks for the chuckle, and you're right. I really appreciate the QuitClaim suggestion and will look into this more.
By the way, I didn't think I was cougaring as I am only 5 years older than him. Yet the 5 years is more apparent than I thought in some ways. I thought he was older than me when we met! He looks older than me. ;)
Welcome to the site!
I don't think your request for your OH not to go away with his daughter was unreasonable - but whether it was or not - it was totally unreasonable for him to respond with verbal abuse and name-calling - this alone shows that he is very far from being a "wonderful man" like you say. Added to verbal abuse, he has two very problematic daughters who will continue to disrupt your life for many years to come if you stay with him - possibly for the rest of your lives. Do you really want to be dealing with this - never having any peace? I have a 27 yr old SD whom we suspect has borderline personality disorder and she is a nightmare. Constantly drags my OH into drama and has called me names via email. If I had known all this at the start (I have been with DH since this girl was 7) I would probably not have stayed with him.
Agreed. The name-calling is
Agreed. The name-calling is unreasonable and he is much too comfortable with it. I am sorry to hear that you have been dealing with a SD with BPD. Dealing with BPD is rough for certain. Your point about not having any peace resonated with me. I don't need this BS at this age.....at any age actually!
Forget the SDs. Do you want
Forget the SDs. Do you want to live with a man who drinks too much, berates you and is basically telling you he wants out? Agree with him and thank your lucky stars you can be happy again and not worrying and walking on eggshells.
Well said. I do think I
Well said. I do think I focus too much on the SDs. Regardless of them, this is how he presents himself. If his angst wasn't over them, it would be over something else I suppose.
Totally this.
Totally this.
A "wonderful man" would not call you a bitch, tell you to F off, and refuse to discuss or compromise....
He has told you he is putting his daughters first. Let him go...he is far from wonderful. He drinks too much and then verbally abuses you.
Do you want YOUR daughter to witness that behavior? Has she seen it already? You say he is great with your daughter..but remember, she has two parents already, you and her Dad.
By the way, he is stupid to set up a whole weekend with his daughter, thinking she'll agree to go and they can heal rifts. If I was trying to build bridges with somebody, I'd start off with a coffee, NOT a whole weekend.
Let him go....he has shown you what he is, what really matters to him.
Buy him out and live your life in peace. It's what you deserve.
"I was trying to build
"I was trying to build bridges with somebody, I'd start off with a coffee, NOT a whole weekend." YES! Thank you. This is exactly what I told him. He seems to get very idealistic when it comes to them. He harbors a lot of guilt, defends them to the nth degree, yet has recently said they only reach out when they want something.
Your other points are spot on. Why is it easier to see it in print, yet I can't seem to remember these things while immersed? Too much emotion... I need to get a handle on that, I suppose.
I too am very sorry for your hurt and your pain...
First let me say that what has occurred over this incident is not a normal repsonse to you voicing concern over your BF going on a trip alone with his DD when she has so many problems. It is not a normal response to a disagreement in general and please do not be hard on yourself. If it didn't happen over this issue it was bond to happen over something else because your BF sounds a little inrrational. Even if he thought it wasn't your business to involve yourself that is still not a normal repsonse. You were looking out for his best interest.
As hurt as you feel, best you found out before you were married. He would have been dragging you in to many more messes. As much as you may care this is not a good situation for you. I have a DH who has a crazy bi-polar exwife, and I have 2 screwed up step-children that we faught over their issues for years. They are now 32 and 30 and my DH is FINALLY admitting that they have issues and he is done catering to them. I have only been saying it for more than 20 years. I told you so doesn't even matter to me anymore it has been so long. Take note ... get out now !!
Thank you! So how on Earth
Thank you! So how on Earth did you stay in this? Did you disengage a long time ago?
Most of us
Who stayed despite disengaging regret having stayed. Think about it.
Your request was not
Your request was not unreasonable, and your SO is not a wonderful man. Wonderful men do not call the woman they supposedly love nasty names. I would leave the relationship. Get your share of the house and be done with him and his horrid children. FWIW, nothing is going to change after the youngest turns 18. They're still his children, they're still mentally ill, they still don't like you, and they will still have the ability to make your life a living hell. You're better off moving on.
Thank you. Being a SM sure
Thank you. Being a SM sure is thankless. I have done ALOT for both of these girls and have always been pleasant. They don't like me because I "took away" their dad, and that is all there is to it as far as I can see. I appreciate your insight about nothing changing after the youngest turns 18. I guess the only thing that changes is the ending of CS. We have fought over health insurance coverage for these girls as well since their mother takes them to the hospital at the drop of a hat and he foots half the bill. If he covered them even when not legally requried to do so, he would be the guarantor of all of the bills yet have no control over how much they actually get medical care, or if it is warranted at all. It's unreal to me that a well-educated man doesn't think this through. He just goes along with whatever the ex says because he doesn't want to create waves.
Won't make waves with the ex
But he doesn't mind making waves with YOU!
Typical scripted guilty daddy behavior. Think about your DD. I remarried too early long ago to an abusive guy (12 yrs older than me) and that was tough on my DD. To this day she is still resentful.
In a healthy relationship,
In a healthy relationship, you should be able to express disagreement with something and not cause the other person to lose their mind and demand to end things.
It seems like there's a lot going on and your SO is not interested in managing any of it. He's making you the target of his anger, probably to make himself feel better about all the craziness with his ex and daughters. The question for you is how much of this should you put up with, because their behavior won't change. It might be time to consider cutting your losses and parting ways.
Interesting when you say that
Interesting when you say that my "SO is not interested in managing any of it." I assume you mean the management of the craziness with the ex/daughters. I never thought about it in that way, but I think you are right. Even the first psychiatric evaluation of his YD was pushed by me. After that eval she was put on meds and was actually doing better until her BM took her off because YD said she didn't like the way they made her feel. This has been a cycle of on again, off again meds. It dawned on me that I think part of the reason for all of the medical visits is to "blame" the psychiatric issues on something physical. Don't get me wrong, the BM has always enjoyed going to the dr (especially ER) for herself and the daughters. However, I have noticed that the mental health diagnoses are swept under the rug and some new physical ailment is pushed to the forefront. My SO does not weigh in on it....perhaps because he also hopes for a physical reason. He will say he weighs in on it, but if he does, it is in a very passive manner. He does not help in managing it....he mostly goes along with whatever BM proposes because he doesn't want to rock the boat.
Yes, it seems like he would
Yes, it seems like he would rather pretend the drama with his children and BM does not exist and then any anger he would direct toward that gets directed toward you.
You can't force someone to take medication for an illness, but remaining unmedicated when you have mental health needs that could be improved with medication is problemmatic. Trying to avoid mental health diagnoses in favor of "phyiscal" diagnoses is also not a great way to approach things. I know mental health issues are stigmatized, so I guess I could see their desire to not have a mental health diagnosis, but they need treatment, so pretending they don't exist will not improve anything.
I think you should focus less
I think you should focus less on this man's baggage, more on his abusive behavior and on being the parent your daughter deserves. You first priority should be to provide a safe, stable, peaceful environment for her, yet she's been growing up with all this poo. Even if she hasn't directly witnessed you being abused, she's bound to have picked up on the tension and the way your bf normalizes his daughters' crazy. You daughter needs to see that anything other than a healthy relationship is not acceptable, and that you, her mother, know your worth.
People just do what they do; it's up to us to have standards and keep those who don't meet them out of our lives. Your bf and his daughters (who might have inherited some questionable predispositions from HIM) have a dysfunctional circus going, and that isn't going to change. We have members on this site with problematic skids in their fifties and sixties! Please prioritize your daughter and get this (abusive) man and his toxic baggage out of your life.
Thank you. This resonated
Thank you. This resonated with me on a number of levels. I do seem to focus a lot on his baggage, likely because it is so dramatic and difficult to ignroe. No, my daughter has not witnessed the verbal abuse, but she has certainly picked up on the tension and some bickering at times. She and I are very close and talk about many things including being a strong woman, paving your own way, speaking the truth even if your voices shakes, etc so I believe she is on the right track in that regard. I've modeled that by never being financially dependent on someone else, and I am not afraid to speak my mind. Still, I think I need to look more closely at how I am role modeling the relationship piece and what vibes she is picking up...maybe more than I realize.
Even low-level chaos can be
Even low-level chaos can be damaging, because despite what you tell your daughter, if it feels normal to her she may seek out similar energy in adult relationships.
Did you grow up with verbal abuse in the home?
Low level chaos.... ugh, you
Low level chaos.... ugh, you are so right. I never thought about the energy on a more subtle basis. This sickens me to think that this could be possible for her. She is such an amazing girl!
Yes, I grew up with verbal abuse, but in a different way. While my father didn't swear and call my mom names in front of us, he definitely talked down to her, and she waited on him hand and foot. They are in their late 80s so some may say this was generational. It still didn't feel right as I grew up though. My mom never said anything back and just took the shit. She was not a great role model for me in that sense. My role with her reversed at a young age.
Something tells me this isn't
Something tells me this isn't the first time he has called you names and belittled your feelings.
After my 2nd marriage, where he was verbally, emotionally and turned physical at the end- I quit playing around. I have absolutely no patience for any man who would say the things your FH said to you. I'm not calling you old- but you are too old to think that that behavior from him is even remotely acceptable! Talk to an attorney, look at your options to either buy him out, sell or offer to let him buy you out.
Who someone is won't change. From the little you have posted here, I feel confident in saying that the nice guy act he puts on is just an act- the personality that you are writing about here, that is the real him.
You are right
This is not the first time he has called me names and belittled my feelings. You're also right about the "nice guy act." He is very witty and likeable and I suspect most people would really question why I would leave.
While I'm not sure exactly
While I'm not sure exactly what your objection was to him taking his older daughter on a trip he already had planned that you weren't going on (what I assume you meant by a hunting trip would be one you wouldnt have gone on).. sure it was probably a long time for them to be together and if it went off the rails.. no safety net.. but that probably should have fallen into the category of "I think that's a lot of togetherness when neither of you are used to it.. but go on.. do you".
The fact that after 8 years he quickly goes nuclear and is selling the house (which probably isn't what he really wants.. it's his way of telling you he is hurt or angry more likely".. I think you are probably lucky you have coasted on the brakes about getting married at this point.
I don't know if he is sticking to his guns.. whether this was the final straw for him.. for you.. but I would examine the larger long term history.. and only you know whether the good outweighs the bad.. and if it's worth fighting for a reunion.
Yeah...if she'd done that
Yeah...if she'd done that (told him to go), when he came back after the trip went pear shaped he would likely have taken all his anger and frustration out on her.
Sounds as if he has an alcohol and anger management problem...
You dodged a bullet
With this one. Do not marry him, get your ducks lined up and take him at his word. I married mine and severely regret the choice.
Ive got 2 sds and one is still a minor. BM is horrible and toxic and loves going to Drs, lke yours.
Husband has jumped through so many hoops "to not make waves", and weve argued so many times over Toxic Troll BM and Toxic situations. SD23 Feral Forger hates me, and was a mini-wife (although he shut her down....) and Sd16 PMP plays me when she think she can benefit and then activates the parents against me if I fall out of line. Its something Ive learned how to deal with. And having said that, its not worth it. I too own a house with my partner. Its more than doubled in value, so Im stuck. We are in a high priced market area, so we are actually both stuck. But I would do whatever it took if Husband actually left our home, to stay somewhere else. Hes said all the same words, but never left.
Because we are married...I stay. And being that Im in your same situation, thats why I would say. Run. While you still can.
Logically, I see that I
Logically, I see that I should cut my losses and move on, but it is so painful emotionally. I remember the person I fell in love with, not the angry person he has been as of late.
Our house is also in a high priced market area that has gone up in value a lot since we purchased. We still owe a lot on the mortgage. If I could get a quit claim and pay him half of what we have already paid on it, that would be doable. I could not buy him out for his half of what it is worth though. Maybe he would go along wiht that because it is money in hand right away....not sure.
It might be a better idea to
It might be a better idea to force the sale if it will sell for the a much higher price...