How to Deal with Teenage Stepsons
I'm 39, childless by choice and live with my FH. We bought a house together 2 years ago and have been dating for 3 years. He has two boys, now 13 & 16. Over a year ago, the 16YO decided to live with BM full time. So this post is only about SS13. About a year into dating my FH, I noticed SS13 lying often. Little things and somwhat big things. He lied to dad about having homework done for MONTHS only to find out he was submitting blank homework and telling dad they were done. That was discovered at the end of the quarter when he was failing several classes. Another time, SS bragged about a goal he made during rec-league soccer. Ironically on a day that no one could attend (and see this supposed goal). He also says, "I forgot" and "I don't know" as a way of getting out of things and not being held accountable. Dad sometimes will address it and other times, not. It's been going on for over 2 years, so clearly it's not handled.
Yesterday a situation came up and I'm curious on your advice. Before work, dad left a $50 bill on the counter so SS13 could go golfing with this friend and have money for food. The friend's parent has graciously paid for my SS one too many times so it was important that my SS have plenty of money. Dad even left a note with the money saying it was "golf money". Before SS left to go with his friend, I reminded him what the money was for. I even said, "your friend's father is NOT to pay for you. And don't spend all this, bring the change home to your father". He tells me he understands.
After work, dad picks up SS from golf and comes home. In front of me, dad is asking about the golf day. And asks how much he spent. He finds out that SS allowed the friend's parent to pay for him. EXACTLY what we did NOT want to happen. When dad asks WHY, my SS says, "oh I didn't know what the $50 was for". Just to recap: dad told him, I told him and dad left a note that said "golf money". Dad only replied with, "bud, you gotta start using common sense". SS shrugs it off and goes back to whatever he was doing.
Because of the nacho method, I didn't say a word. Dad wasn't irate but I was. I tried to let dad handle his own son but he was clearly lying. I didn't say anything and the next day it really bothered me what a master maniuplator this child is becoming.
In the future I'm thinking of being crystal clear again with directions and then calling him out if need be. But I'm trying not to sabotage what relationship we have.
Btw, he never did make that soccer goal that he bragged about either. Several weeks after that incident, I brought it up to tell his older brother and SS13 face got red and he said he never said he made a goal. So there's that.
I don't like the lying and I don't like how dad didn't handle it. Thoughts?
Consequences
Maybe you should speak to your FH about him allowing his son to lie and be manipulative. I can't stand liars, so I am annoyed for you.
When your SS lied about his homework did your FH punish him? If not, your FH is setting a bad precedence when he doesn't ensure your SS has consequences for his behavior. I am sure if something is taken away or he is grounded, his memory and understanding will improve. If SS's behavior continues to go unchecked, it will continue, and it will get worse.
It’s called disengaging
You disengage from SS and his lying. If his lips are moving. Most likely it's lying. Let DH handle his DS. Nothing you can do about it. Just hope he moves back to BM with his brother.
I'd be all over that liar like stink on shit.
Lying is a major issue for me. As it was for my parents. I was a pleaser and would tell my parents what I thought they wanted to hear rather than the truth. At some point I discovered that trait about myself bothered me. So I changed it.
SS was also a pleaser so lying was a struggle for he and I while I was parenting and he was growing up. I did make some adjustments to minimize the opportunity for him to do anything but address us with the truth. One key change I made was that I just did not ask him any questions. I shifted from "Did you get your homework done" to "Show me your homework." There was no way for him to lie about that.
The "I don't know" and "I forgot" thing is like waving a red flag in front of a bull for me. "I don't know" basically was the cause of the demise of my first marriage. I forgot is just another lie.
SS is exceptionally sensitive to honesty as an adult. It has ended a few relationships for him. He is sensitive to it because he saw that it was important to his mom and I in our own relationship and in our parenting of him.
The fix is, IMHO, to make lying far more painful for your lying POS Skid than telling the truth is. "I don't know" or "I forgot" gets his nose planted in a remote corner for as many hours as it takes for you to get tired. Once he is allowed to remove his nose from the corner his ass sits at a remote desk and writes tens of thousands of sentences highlighting the criticality of honesty. All in perfect handwriting, perfect spelling, perfect grammar, and perfect punctuation at the pace of 120-180 per hour. Every second he is in the home not doing homework, chores, or having dinner with the family. Every second.
"I will tell the truth about anything I am asked about. I will not "forget" or not "know" about any topic I am asked about. Being a liar makes me entirely untrustworthy and will not be tolerated." x10,000.
When his lie tactics change, he writes a new lesson focused sentence over, and over, and over again until he will break out in the cold sweats and get the shakes if he even thinks about lying.
My SKid has beautiful handwriting.
It works. Try it.