Not living together, still awful situation
I met the love of my life many years ago. He then had a baby, full time custody. I helped him alot and grew feelings for them both. Maybe not love for his child but felt a need to take care of her because of the situation. We moved in together but I grew feelings of resentment. Towards the child for ruining my life and peace of mind and towards him for not raising his child properly.
She needs to be in the middle of attention all the time. If not, she hit my child and scream. She is messy and I feel ashamed when we go away together. At six years of age she eats with her hands, drool all over her clothes and takes five pieces of cake so that not everyone gets a piece. Not washing her hands or face, not even after going to the toilet and messy clothes make her stink and then she wants kisses on the mouth and to sit in my lap all the time. She can't talk properly and is mostly stuttering two words sentences. I never understand what's she is talking about and that makes It hard for me to bond.
We moved apart thank God because my life is now better than ever but still I love my boyfriend.
Is it possible to continue In any way when I feel this way? I treat her nice and respectfully but feel like an asshole because of that disgusted feeling deep within. I only go there when she is asleep or with a babysitter. Can I love my boyfriend and can he love me, surely he sees that I don't like his child. Are we doing the most painful theatre ever of can this work out?
Thr problem isn't the child,
Thr problem isn't the child, it's her father who clearly isn't parenting her. There are several things in your message that make me wonder whether she's been evaluated and, if so, why isn't she getting the help she needs. Does she go to school? Where is her mother in all this?
Based on your post, I can't
Based on your post, I can't comprehend what could possibly make this POS failed father and failed partner the love of your life? Of anyone's life for that matter.
smh
Why would you want it to work out?
Please don't ever marry or spawn with this dumb ass. Don't curse your children with that doomed gene pool.
This poor kid needs help. Sadly, she lost the father lottery.
Her mother is an addict with
Her mother is an addict with severe mental health issues and has been using during the pregnancy. Her father had full custody since the beginning. Our first years all out fights were about me saying the kid needs help and him getting angry. Now he also can see that she has problems.
No one is really helping her, unfortunately. She gets in trouble but right now they are just seeing someone for the speech issues. I think there is also some intellectual disability but I have not dare told the father that yet.
He is a loving, kind, warm person but tired and has been trough alot so I am hoping that when the child gets help and when he is back in his feet everything will be different. But my resentment is getting worse.
I don't want her over at my house. She makes a mess, follows me around everywhere and needs my full attention and wants to curl up and kiss me so I can't even eat by myself. She goes through the fridge and takes everything she wants, like six cans of soda and then throws them on the floor. Her father tries to tell her but thinks I should and I don't want to. It makes me exhausted. I only invite him over when he is alone.
So he realizes he's a crap
So he realizes he's a crap parent and wants to hand you all of the parenting issues to solve. Umm, no. It's time he got his ego under control and realized that if he loved his daughter half as much as he loves his pride, he'd be taking her to her doctor for a FULL EVALUATION like tomorrow instead of sitting around and hoping things will magically get better. Things don't get better without help and you can't get help until you've identified the problem.
This child has serious issues and he is doing bugger all to help her yet the sooner a child gets help, the sooner the child can progress. Also, if he were to get the help she needs, he'd find that he's less tired than he used to be. BTW, why are her clothes messy enough to make her smell? Why isn't he dealing with that?
Look, I have twin daughters, one of whom has Down syndrome. At age 3, neither of them was doing what you describe. Does he realize that he is setting her up to be dependent on him for the rest of his life? And what will happen to her when he's gone. It's way past time to get the evaluation ball rolling - tell him to get off his behind and actually DO something useful for his daughter. It's the very least she deserves.
He does try to keep up with
He does try to keep up with her and make sure she changes clothes but if we are at a barbecue or something she can go the whole day in the same outfit. I get embarrassed but it is not my job to keep her clean. Maybe I should start telling him when that happens. He has a sensitive ego and we often start fighting when I do tell him things regarding his child or how he is as a father...
One time when we lived together my child had a new toy. His child started to follow him around, trying to grab the toy and her father said nothing to her. My child said, leave me alone you are to close and it is my toy. She then started to pull his clothes and yelled right into his face and before I had time to ran over there he pushed her away and she fell.
Her father was so upset with my child and when I said she had it coming he took off for two days...
When she was born she was
When she was born she was sick because of her mother's drinking, smoking and use of pills. I think when her father realized how bad the situation was he felt awful for putting his child trough that and he then became her protector against everything.
Of course she is sweet with her father's big beautiful eyes and have good days when she is nice and more calm. She deserves love and appreciation like everyone does. But I just can't see her with the same eyes her father does. He thinks she is so funny when she goes up to strangers and want kisses and hugs. When she follows neighbor's into their homes and don't want to leave. He think she is brave when she jumps into deep water without being able to swim or laughs at her for being so clumsy when she literally rides her bike straight into a wall. I see the same things and it makes me concerned, I think she is years behind her peers and maybe she never will be able to live in her own. Maybe she won't never learn social rules and will behave like a savage forever.
So, I decided a year ago that we move apart. Best decision ever. He doesn't think the same but has come to accept it. I can go over there at night and sneak out to work before she wakes up. He has a babysitter 1-2 times a month and those days we have such a lovely relationship.
I have been trying to find my patience and bring them over or sleep there for a weekend but my patience has gotten worse with her. Five minutes and then I am done so I will not do that anymore.
Can we make it work? Should I tell him I don't like his child? Should I be more mad when he doesn't parent and try to teach him to be a more strict parent? Should I keep pretend like it's alright now and just keep a distance from her? Can he love me even though I resent his child? I'm thinking about just let him be free and find someone who manages to deal with all the chaos. But, is that really up to me, isn't he the one who should leave in that case? He seems to be fine with this but for how long? Maybe I've got nothing to loose being fully honest with him, put everything on the table and talk things through together. That seems kind of fair to him.
He thinks she is so funny
"He thinks she is so funny when she goes up to strangers and want kisses and hugs"
Yet another list of parenting fails. He isn't teaching her anything. He isn't teaching her about boundaries, privacy, caution... Heck my heart hurts for this child. There is always room for improvement but he has to want to help her. Protecting her is not helping her. If he died tomorrow, what would happen to her? Has he ever considered that?
It really isn't his child who is the problem. She might be a completely different individual if her father would actually do his job as a parent. Yes, put everything on the table, there's no point skating around this situation but don't just talk, insist he gets her evaluated. Help is out there but nothing will happen until he pulls his head out or his behind and takes a good long look at reality.
Please don't move in w/ them.
Please don't move in w/ them. Ever. This child is very obviously in deep need of help and if no one's doing it then you need to steer clear. From the sounds of it she may have damage from being born to an addicted mom and that coupled with her dad/his family not helping her in regular parenting ways let alone seeking help so she can succeed in life... that all equals a very troubled child as she grows. She is acting the way he willingly lets her.
I know you think he's super special but (big big butt cuz I cannot lie) he is doing damage and rather than parent he gets angry w/ you. Explore that mentally on your own and don't view him in parts, view him as a whole. He is setting his child up to fail at life, she can't reach her best level if he's impeding her and making excuses now.
I'm of the camp to not even
I'm of the camp to not even continue dating this guy. Even if she doesn't move in, she will still have to deal with the range of BS since he will not get his daughter the help she CLEARLY needs. Nor does he parent her.
And.... is never moving in or moving forward in the relationship going to be good enough? They moved in together once...so moving forward in a relationship sounds like something OP wants. Not an option for this relationship.
Better to not candy coat this situation... it is not good and quite honestly sounds like it will never get better (due to "dad" and his complete lack of willingness to accept and get the help needed).
Thanks you all for your
Thanks you all for your thoughts. It really helps me to see things clearly. Feels really good to talk about it also, these things I usually keep to myself.
So was this a one night stand
So was this a one night stand baby? To purposely chose a drug addict as the mother of your child makes me question his mental health. And then to NOT parent? It's noble that he has custody but being Nobel doesn't make your a Good parent. As long as you are involved with him, you will all suffer from his failings. He should put his daughter up for adoption if he's not going to parent her. Then get a vasectomy. He has no business raising a child. Harsh I know but come on, he show up to a barbecue then forgets she exists? IMO he has major flaws that are hard to overlook. He's not the whole package.
She is 6 now so there is at least another 12-15 yrs
Till she is an adult and even then there are no guarantees she would leave home and become independent.
if you decide to move in together thats over a decade of this crap and even worser. Also remember that she and her dad are a representation of you at outings when in a committed relationship.
it might appear rosey now because you're dating but it won't take long for the resentment to build up and you to get fedup with this crap.
he does not hold his daughter to account for unacceptable behaviour and correct it but rather sulks at you or blames others instead of taking responsibility
he hasn't changed or seeked to get her help and with what you said about her junkie mum, its not hard to expect this kid has a potential permanent disability from all the drugs the mum took when preggers.
her dad doesn't care enough about you or he would address this behaviour
If you have to change him to
If you have to change him to be in a happy fulfilling relationship with him. Cut your losses and walk away. Something it has taken me over 40 years to learn.
Only you can decide what's
You wrote: "Can he love me even though I resent his child?" This is a good question. I would say no. I think he may not say much at first about you resenting her, but he'll grow to resent you and in the end, he'll always choose his daughter over you. And you also will suffer - resentment eats away at a person (I know, I've been in a bad situation myself). Over years, it becomes toxic, weighs you down and completely takes over. Relationships suffer, you suffer - depression, insomnia and anxiety will consume you.
Only you can decide what's best for you. But based on your post, I feel like maybe you should walk away from this situation. As others have posted, she's young and will be living with him for many years yet and then comes the question of will she launch? Your description of her and her behavior are alarming. It sounds like dad is guilt parenting and doesn't seem to see that perhaps his daughter needs to be medically evaluated. Her behavior doesn't sound normal. Also, he's dumping the parenting in your lap. Not okay. It sounds like he wants to you to do all the work. Again, huge red flag. As time goes by, you will become more resentful and his daughter may grow to dislike you if you are the one having to tell her no or correct her behavior. And you won't get far trying to parent her when he likely won't back you up on anything.
You are happier now that you have moved out and that says a lot about the situation. Please rethink your situation. Think about what you want from a relationship. It isn't feasible to just have him and not have to deal with his daughter. If dealing with the bulk of the parenting and having to be around her is troubling you, then I think you know what you need to do.
Please keep us posted and let us know how you are doing. Again, don't think about things from your partner's perspective, think about YOU.
I would not
I would not have anything more to do with either of them. He is a poor parent and you deserve a better boyfriend. Sadly, this poor kid is not your problem - she is his. He created the problem and let it grow. You don't deserve to have to deal with his failures, especially since he didn't listen to you and you have no power to change the kids' situation. He is the parent.