Of course I post from my perspective! I'm living my life from my perspective and it's all I know
I would also assume that you take everything you read with the grain of salt because life is all about different perspectives.

I do have an agenda. I want my step-kids to be happy and healthy and to stay sane and happy at the same time! My family is the most important thing to me. As for painting myself in an angelic light, I would hardly say that. Read my old blogs if you want to see the struggle i've gone through and I certainly have never had any qualms about posting about my flaws as well as my positives.

It's impossible to show someone who doesn't know BM, her history and our history what is really going on and other than assuming that blogs that I write about my life are from my perspective, it is insulting to suggest that I am lying or making things up about BM or the situation. Believe it or not BM is really that bad and I have left out the illegal things she has done that DO make it a bad enough situation to change because it is a legal affair and you never know who is reading what. I have extreme contempt for her and of course I am disgusted when her actions directly harm her children. My opinion of her may be "petty judgment" but her actions are what is going to cause her to lose this case, not my opinions of her. I express my personal opinions on here to other adults and to my husband, close friends and family. My opinions will have nothing to do with the custody situation. We have straight up, documented facts on her and some of them are pretty serious. Yes, I think she's a godawful mother, but that has nothing to do with her history of instability, inability to hold down a job, diagnosed mental illness and history of not being able to provide for her kids. We are well aware that the courts don't care if a parent is ethical and fair, provides a good emotional and psychological environment etc... They care about outright, severe abuse and if we were going for full custody, i'm sure we would need to have evidence of that. We are not going for full custody, although that is what the skids want. BM has been a problem since the beginning (as in when SS11 was born, not when H and I married) and it has been a long, slow process to get things as stable as they are for the skids. H basically held her together for years and rescued her repeatedly from financial and legal disaster. Now she doesn't have him to make things okay for her anymore and as we predicted, she is failing in her role to provide properly for the skids. Both in the ways the court cares about AND in the ways we care about. I know from friend's experiences that the courts don't care if you smoke and swear in front of skids and they don't ever enforce any of the basic manners and etiquette that are written into most custody orders. You can be a horrifying parent and still have residential custody. It's sad, but true.

In our case, H has been an involved dad from day one and everything good I said about him is true. He is a wonderful father and there is no denying it. I am extremely proud of him for how he's handled all this. He and BM started out with a verbal agreement of 50/50 custody because they agreed that that would be best for the skids. She then lied, went back on her word and sued him because he refused to leave me, his wife. After the custody papers were signed, and we were told that we got the best we could at the time, considering our state's statistical and documented preference to mothers, and H originally agreed to it because it meant he could see his kids every day. As we got more experienced and talked to a way better lawyer we realized that the schedule was stressing the kids and stressing us and designed to accommodate BM and her job at the time (from which she was eventually fired). We changed the schedule so that we would have more quality time with the skids and get to be there for more of their every day stuff. For over a year, we have essentially had 50/50 custody with the technical difference being that we drop them off at bedtime in their pajamas and she is responsible for getting them to school, something she hasn't been able to do with her new messed up work situation. If you had the skids sleep over here on the nights we take them home at bedtime, we would have 50/50 exactly. My job is very flexible and I set my own schedule so I can take the skids to school and make breakfast etc... The change wouldn't affect BMs time with the skids at all from her perspective, other than the five minutes before they get into bed. She is currently having a series of creeps (as in documented needle drug users and pill poppers) take the skids to school in the morning because she has to be at work early. I can guarantee that she will have no problem with the schedule itself, especially as she is constantly asking us to take them for extra days and nights when she can't handle them. She will however have a big problem with losing the child support check. I am not exaggerating at all when I say that BM buys nothing for the skids as far as clothes, shoes, school supplies, toys, books etc...The last thing I can remember her buying for them (other than the junk food groceries she buys) was a pair of five dollar flip flops at Old Navy last summer. We literally buy all the things they need because she just doesn't do it. She is not your run of the mill, struggling single mom. She has serious mental health problems that have been diagnosed now by a qualified psychiatrist and counselor. I can easily be petty and judge her because she messes up so much and falls so short of normal it's not funny. Whether I am being petty or not has nothing to do with the crap she has pulled with the skids and given that we basically have them 50/50 anyway, it is the next step to make it legal and stop paying her money that goes towards alcohol and parties. We have evidence and have documented every single thing and it looks very bad for her.

As far as my motivations go, It's so laughable that I would have sinister motives in wanting my skids 50/50 for all of our best interests that I don't really know what to say! I struggled so much at first in being a new SM and taking on extremely challenging skids with specific problems. Both BM and H have had a hard time dealing with the skids and their problems, that wasn't new. The only thing new was me and I have never claimed to be the worlds best SM. I know my strengths and my weaknesses. There was a point where I couldn't stand even the sight of my skids! I wanted nothing to do with them and avoided them as much as possible. My issues with their mom are a separate thing and as an adult with an I.Q. over forty I can tell the difference. I struggled with my skid issues for a long time and worked through it with my husband. It was a big adjustment and change for all of us and we were newly married for the first time as well. While I still have major frustrations like every SM, or parent for that matter, and I am aware that the skids will always be damaged mentally in some ways because of their past and genetics, over time I have bonded with my skids and care about them very much. Besides the fact that I think every child has the right to a safe and healthy home, and would want the best for any kids, I am highly involved with my skids and their best interests are top priority. What selfish motivation could I possibly have for more time with the skids?!!! Getting up early and driving kids around versus sleeping in? Hmmm? Which one sounds better? Working in the evenings and sacrificing family time to accommodate my husband and skids's schedules versus skid free time at home alone with my husband? I am not winning any prizes here with the new proposed custody, things will actually suck more in some ways, but I am willing to sacrifice because believe it or not I strongly believe it to be in the skids best interests. THEY want to live with us full time and have told their mom so. SS11 is almost old enough in our state to choose which home he wants as primary and he is choosing us as soon as he can. HE asked about this, not us. Unlike BM, we haven't trash talked her in front of the skids and haven't said anything to sway them one way or the other.

As well as doing some of the things the courts do care about and failing to provide for their basic needs, BM also does the things the court doesn't care about, but we do. We don't want people smoking in front of the skids and exposing them to carcinogens. We don't want creepy druggies babysitting the skids, getting wasted in front of them and swearing to and in front of them. H had to put his foot down and ban one "babysitter" because he called SS a "bastard motherf*&^%$" to his face the other day. BM defended this creep! She said he was frustrated with SS11. Great protective instincts Ma! My personal opinion is that she would rather have an abusive man around than no man at all.

H and I, and our extended families, have talked this over endlessly and talked to lawyers and counselors. We are all in agreement that it is in the skids best interests to change the custody to 50/50. They won't lose time with BM, but she will lose the money. What a novel thing it will be to actually spend that money on the skids and see our hard earned money being spent where it should be! So, anyway, feel free to hop up on your high horse and judge me and a situation that you know very little about. I don't appreciate having my morals and motivations called into question, but at the end of the day, you are a random internet person and it totally doesn't matter what you think. Pop psychology analysis of me at the level of a Psy101 sorority girl doesn't work on me, sorry. I have never claimed to be perfect or angelic and have had my share of struggles with step-parenting, but I am a damn good step-mom and I know it. My husband adores me and lets me know how grateful he is to have someone who loves and cares for his kids and the proof is in the pudding that my skids love me. Even when I couldn't stand them, I made them a top priority and H wouldn't have tolerated anything less from his wife!
It is important to me to respond to posters like this for all the other SMs out there who get called petty and judgmental when they are working incredibly hard to be good wives and step-moms and take on kids that they have no biological or emotional ties to. All posts are from the opinion of the poster, but that doesn't mean that unless you are writing a factual police report you are lying! My BM happens to be one of those awful ones and if anything I have held back and haven't said half of what I could about her! As far as criticisms about only portraying yourself in a great light, ignore it because it's ridiculous. I have always been blunt about my own failings, but when you have a blog over time, you don't repeat them in every blog! If I had a blog about school classes and started out with how bad I was at math and how great I was at english and then a year later blogged about winning an english prize or scholarship and being proud of myself, would the post about the prize be untrue or somehow less valid because I failed to mention, again, how bad I am at math? No. Of course not. I have posted about my struggles on here as well as the things I do great with, but I will not be perfectly represented in every post I make, especially given different moods and situations! The idea is ludicrous, so SMs out there, go ahead and praise yourself if you're doing a great job! Being a SM is incredibly hard and it does take a special kind of person to be good at it. Like everyone, I have my flaws, but I will not put myself down or lie about the truth or the real situation to make some insecure reader feel that I don't have an agenda. There are facts and opinions about my situation. I post about both. I post the truth and what is going on and I also post my feelings, thoughts and opinions. Last time I checked, that's what a blog is.

Anyway, sorry this is so long and rambling, it wasn't worth a response in the first place, but I hope less sure of themselves SMs will be comforted by my response and see that it's okay to stand up for yourself. If you rock, don't let anyone put you down!

That actually sounds like it might be a good plan for us, thanks! I would prefer simple to complicated and we want to have a few possible options planned to present to BM's lawyer so they see that we are willing to compromise (on the schedule, not the 50/50) and work with Bm's schedule. If we just had one plan, I can see it getting rejected out of hand in a reflex action on BM's part, and I think she will feel less freaked out if she sees that she has options and that we are being reasonable and want what is best for everyone. Thanks for the suggestion!