Every weekend?
So a new routine has developed in mine and DHs life. YSS has moved back permanently (at least for a year) and for the last six months DH has caught up with him once or twice a week for a meal. As I stated elsewhere we are dialing back spending and we've begun doing more and more home cooked meals. I don't mind if he wants to take him out to a fast food/cheaper alternative than what he previously had been. But...... every weekend now? It used to be DH shuttled YSS twice a week to a job and they would stop and have a meal either coming or going, but now that YSS is here full time that stopped so DH planning "something " every weekend with YSS has become the new normal. We've been together 7 years and this is a new one. I'm in a quandary because previously we kept weekends for us and didn't host either side of our families more than once or twice a month if that. I'm tempted to ask him or mention to him that if this is going to be the new normal, I might as well start booking up weekend time with my kids since this is now the new normal. He even tried to have him over on Mother's Day but YSS had other plans (probably with his mother I would imagine) I guess I should add that YSS returning to our state has felt very much like the return of the prodigal son. So there is that. I just realized I pretty much posted the same blog a few weeks ago, it has not relented at all. I guess that's why I'm still befuddled by it. Oh I forgot to add that I mentioned my boys were coming over to help with some projects this weekend and I was planning on making a meal. He immediately brought up YSS and that he would like to try to get together with him either at the same time here, or independently. In thinking on it a bit more is my frustration of it always being DH chasing YSS and if one day or meal time doesn't work DH does back flips trying to accommodate YSSs schedule. Even when a solid plan is made it feels like it's never quite for sure and it's us accommodating YSS. Every weekend.
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Time for a serious talk!
Hon, I suspect that your DH is failing to grasp the fact that you are not as enamoured as he, at the 'return of the prodigal'. Reading your past blog, it appears that much of this uncomfortable state of affairs is due to a lack of communication. It’s past time for you to sit down with DH and be frank about your feelings.
Allowing resentment to build over those dining out costs where your DH invariably picks up the tab, added to the stress of a dinner guest every weekend (particularly a judgemental, opinionated one), is unhealthy for both your marriage and your mental health. Better to clear the air before you explode!
Thank you!
The last six months has been such an upending of our routine. For 7 years DH has been very protective of "our" time and our resources and to see him throw it all out the window chasing this son has been really a great surprise for me. I think it's compounded by he (DH) has been very vocal about my youngest son launching over the next two years and now that his is back it feels very imbalanced his enabling of his vs mine. I thought we had cleared the air a few months ago when YSS moved from our home to his apartment. I pointedly sat down with DH and told him how I felt we were spending a lot of time chasing, planning and reorganizing our lives around accommodating this son and that I would like to see a more balanced approach. I think you're right and it's time to have a follow up convo reaffirming it.
I think the consensus is that
I think the consensus is that you need to talk to your DH both about the financial aspect.. and the time aspect. because you aren't scrimping and saving just so he can blow it all eating out. and sure.. if he plans to fill up his weekends.. maybe you should do that too?
by the way.. are either of you retired? if so.. it might be that weekends to yourself might be better swapped for weekdays when others are working so less conflict of scheduling?
I’m retired . He’s not .
He has recently returned to in office after working from home the last two years (Covid) . My routine has usually been catch up with my kids weekdays, other than holidays. It's odd though because it's just this son of his that he's doing this with. Not the other two that live here as well. Him even pursuing it on Mother's Day is what has made me pause and think what on earth is this?
It sounds like a habit that
It sounds like a habit that developed out of the novelty of his son moving back. They have developed a relationship that involves this closer contact.. probably in part because his son is unmarried so has more time on his hands.. and doesn't mind the free meals..lol.
Ya know you’re probably right.
I do feel like I should probably calm down and ride it out. I guess part of it is the history with DHs kids, when they need something he is so available, Johnny on the spot and when they don't need anything it's him chasing and planning and trying to have that connection. I think he really enjoyed those months that he was needed for transportation by YSS and the meals. That truly is my DHs love language. I think he finally gets the financial part. We've made some real changes and that has been a continuous conversation after this January when I realized just how much was being spent (100$ minimum a week on these meals) so he has honored that and dialed way back on the meal deal. I think before I bring it up again I'll try finding something for myself to do while they catch up. Especially if I have advance notice that's easily doable for me. I enjoy seeing my kids but also just getting involved in a project works as well.