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Posted as a comment and decided I could use advice (adult skids)

Noway2b1's picture

Submitted by Noway2b1 on Wed, 04/27/2022 - 9:24am

It's particularly with YSS (now 38)  there's an enmeshment that has been hard for me to define. He's not disrespectful per say and we do get along, although he does have an opinion on all his siblings marriages and how they raise their children (hes unmarried and childless) so I assume he also has opinions on mine and his dads marriage.
 

He seems to insert himself in things that really do not involve him and my DH seems to enable this involved behavior. We are talking about giving advice on finances "invest in this"  to home maintenance he has no problem advising and my DH does the seeking of his advice thereby often excluding me. I know it stems from the very messy divorce, guilt and enmeshment.
 

We are working through it (again?) still after 7-8 years together (married for five). It has popped up in our lives again because YSS now lives locally to us as opposed to out of state. 
 

Another strange/interesting change is since YSS has moved back DH wants to have at least one meal/ visit with him once a week. This is ok for the most part and for many months it has been DH and YSS going out to eat sometimes twice a week, as you can imagine with rising costs this is adding to our expenses and so we are trying to dial back eating out expenses even for ourselves  and now these "visits" are at our home. I hardly see my own kids twice a month let alone weekly. I've begun to push back a little on this saying things like "sounds good, but let's keep it simple?" because it never is simple, it becomes a full on breakfast with me preparing the majority or it, or steak dinners. (I take on the majority of meal prep due health issues of my DH) I see this continuing and would appreciate figuring out a balance, part of me feels like inviting my own kids over at the same time since I am doing a meal anyways the more blunt part  wants to say "so is this the new normal?" 

Comments

grannyd's picture

Submitted by grannyd on Wed, 04/27/2022 - 9:45am

Hey, Noway,

You’ve written: ‘part of me feels like inviting my own kids over at the same time’. Great idea! The best way to have your husband understand the disruption, expense and stress involved in entertaining company, is to have ‘somebody else’s children’ at his table for equal time.

Clearly, he is not grasping the fact that his son is YOUR ‘somebody else’s child’.

 

 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Wed, 04/27/2022 - 10:03am

I have a similar issue - my DH has hisBFF come over other day, plus on weekends, and even though they stay in the garage the entire time (man cave wirg big tv), its still disruptive.

I think thats a great idea, invite the heck out of your bio. And get that equal time. Or discuss it with DH.

advice.only2's picture

Submitted by advice.only2 on Wed, 04/27/2022 - 10:19am

Would having DH purchase the items for the meals help him to see how costly this is becoming?  Having him sit in on the prep work to see what all is invovled and how time consuming it can be.  Maybe suggest he and SS visit after dinner and watch a game or just have dessert.  Or set the menu for the week and let DH know it's set and if SS would like to attend dinner this is all you are having.  After all these visits should be about the company and not what you can provide.

Noway2b1's picture

Submitted by Noway2b1 on Wed, 04/27/2022 - 12:38pm

It's a dynamic he's had for many years with his kids, also factor in guilty dad syndrome and I think it plays out this way. To be honest I think I've kinda spoiled him and now he is used to me taking the lead on things like this.guess it's time to change that! 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Wed, 04/27/2022 - 10:05pm

Nothing made me prouder than being able to spend money I earned at my first job on my folks - back when I was sixteen. So why, at thirty-eight, is SS still letting his dad pick up the check? Nevermind, I already know the answer: selfish, indulged skid plus guilty daaddee.

Perhaps you could suggest to your H that they take turns picking up the check? That way shows you're not trying to stop the visits, just trying to manage costs.

Noway2b1's picture

Submitted by Noway2b1 on Thu, 04/28/2022 - 11:51am

My own 20 yr old working his first real job occasionally picks us up a meal! He's so proud of himself when he does! 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Wed, 04/27/2022 - 10:19am

It sounds like your SS is a bit judgemental.. some people are.. you should hear some of my DH's relatives with all their opinions on everyone's relationship.. and often people that don't have kids have the most opinions right..lol.  

But, I don't think he is butting into your issues.. it sounds like your DH seeks out his counsel on investing and home improvement issues.  TBH, that's not totally unusual for a parent to start to look to their kids for opinions on these kinds of issues as their kids become adults and maybe have experience in these areas.

And... weekly meals with your older parents isn't necessarily odd either.. if your kids are local and you see them less.. that's not abnormal either.. I think both are in a range of possible.

If the weekly dinners are becoming a strain on you physicaly and financially.. I think it's perfectly fine to suggest to your DH that hosting should be split.. that his son as an adult can also treat dad to a meal out.. even if it's only applebees vs steak dinners.

Noway2b1's picture

Submitted by Noway2b1 on Wed, 04/27/2022 - 12:46pm

We have many kids between us and The thing that's changed dramatically is the YSS has recently moved back so this is definitely a change for our lives. All the other kids, his and mine live locally so it almost is like the return of the prodigal son! 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Wed, 04/27/2022 - 12:56pm

I'm sure the fact that he is single and the other family kids probably have too much to do to have regular means with dear old dad is factoring into this.

I like the idea of you setting the menu if you are going to be expected to prepare it.  You could also ask your SS to bring a dish (you choose).. to go with the meal.. maybe even.  Hey.. SS.. can you pick up some steaks on the way over.. I have the rest covered. etc..

If you are truly eating outside of your financial comfort zone because of this.. you need to have a frank discussion with your DH.

One more person at the table shouldn't be a huge increase in costs.. but if he ups the typical per person cost of your meals from 5 dollars to 20.. then you are spending $50 more than you normally would each time.. if his son was ok eating your normal meals.. then it would be just $5.00 more which is not unreasonable.

So, you need to explain that the cost adds up when you are all eating an expensive meal once a week.. it's not just the cost of his son extra.  And.. it is extra work on you.. and while you like his son and don't mind his company.. you would prefer if you could cook things that are a little easier on you since you are doing the work.

So brunch is a breakfast casserole and storebought doughnuts with coffee... no fancy breakfast steak.

Dinner is grilled chicken.. salad.. green beans.. simple.

Noway2b1's picture

Submitted by Noway2b1 on Wed, 04/27/2022 - 1:21pm

I love these I am going to start suggesting them. I'm sure you're right there are some other family dynamics at play here, including the fact that this son was estranged from most of the family for two years, we were pretty much the only ones he visited regularly other than one sister. You are also right in that it's mostly my DH that feels like it's got to be steak and gourmet meals. My own kids regularly do pot lucks and as we call it spread the wealth and pain of food preferences LOL. I estimate (based on the times I went that it was at least 30$ a week for YSS alone. I went a few times and DH and I regularly split meals and YSS ordered an 18$ meal and then two desserts to go putting his total alone around 35$, it's not uncommon for DH to allow him 2 meals as in "one for the road" My DH made a healthy living when the kids were teens and encouraged this sort of "entitlement" but we are nearing retirement and the conversation is often turning towards that goal and I am the one that pointed out the value of dialing back taking just this SS out so often. I mean 150$ a month or more seems like a lot to me. 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Wed, 04/27/2022 - 1:40pm

It does seem that "at home" meals is the best option then.. but I think your DH needs to give you more lattitude about the menu and you can plainly tell him that he may not realize it but the cost of STEAK has gone way up and that it really doesn't fit into your budget to feed THREE people high end meals each week.

You could also do things like tell SS "hey.. we are grilling out hotdogs and hamburgers when you come Wednesday.. feel free to bring something to throw on the grill if you want something different"  Or you could feign an exhausting day and tell your DH you are ordering in Pizza or Chinese food at the last minute.

I don't see why his son wouldn't be happy with a nice spagetti dinner.. with a extra togo portion.  add salad and garlic bread.. and it's pretty simple right? 

I might also just tell your DH that you will agree to "one" upscale meal a month.. the rest will be basic.. and that's how it will be.  

It's clearer now why your SS is having issues with his siblings etc.. being a judgmental A## can make people not particularly generous towards you.. hahaha

Noway2b1's picture

Submitted by Noway2b1 on Wed, 04/27/2022 - 2:11pm

The common denominator is YSS, that requires some introspection right there. Obviously there's a lot I don't want to get into to preserve anonymimity but yea I mean when you are the one passing judgment and suddenly are crossways with people you might want to reign it in. I did tell DH months ago that I felt like a third wheel in our marriage and felt like it was the general tone of having things being discussed about US, this was when YSS came back and was staying with us. Thanks goodness he was only here a few months but it began to impact our day to day. Now he's been living nearby for a couple months and this weekly meal thing has come up. I can't even describe the feeling of urgency that my DH has about it, it's really got me scratching my head. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

Submitted by la_dulce_vida on Wed, 04/27/2022 - 11:32am

38? Time for SS to start buying his dad dinner. If it's weekly, what is the need for a big spread (full meal)? Why can't it be sandwiches or something easy? If you're the one cooking, you get to decide and I wouldn't cave just because your DH wants something special. If he wants a big deal, he can make it.

 

Noway2b1's picture

Submitted by Noway2b1 on Wed, 04/27/2022 - 12:55pm

That's what my own adult children do! 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Wed, 04/27/2022 - 2:36pm

Id dial it back even MORE lol. Soup. That and bread. lol. Then pre make and freeze.

caninelover's picture

Submitted by caninelover on Wed, 04/27/2022 - 5:10pm

I don't think once a week is terrible as long as the SS is reasonably polite.  But if you're doing the work then you set the menu.  Chicken, veggies, and maybe a salad.  Ask SS to bring dessert if he wants anything other than ice cream.  If there are leftovers, he can bring them home with him.

Now if it's his birthday or some occasion, that's different.  But the once a week meal should be simple and affordable.  And SS should bring dessert or wine.

Kaylee's picture

Submitted by Kaylee on Wed, 04/27/2022 - 7:36pm

Oh yeah he needs to contribute! A grown man on a wage.

You should suggest that dinner is one week at your place, the next week at his place (or he can shout you and H to a restaurant if he doesn't want to cook).

And the week that it's SS turn to host, you don't even need to go! Lol.

shamds's picture

Submitted by shamds on Thu, 04/28/2022 - 1:08am

Demand his son meet up for 1 dinner a week. Thing is he knew damn well he wasn't gonna cook and prep the meals, tidy house etc. eating out once a week is a waste of money in current economic climate.

the last time my husband made an executive decision to invite family over for a bbq he expected me to prep and cater for along with clean a house when i was breastfeeding around the clock, bbq was early evening (peak time i am breastfeeding non stop for 4-5 hrs) and I certainly didn't want hubbys family over. 
 

hubby assured me he would clean up the house, guess what happened? Day before he says he has a work meeting/training session the day before. He leaves home 1hour too early despite not cleaning the house, then after the meet decided he'd go shopping for exotic tropical fruits about 1.5 hrs drove away.

his elder sister came from interstate. I let her in and told her to shower and rest, took my kids and went upstairs with my 3 month old and 1.5 yr old to shower and nap/breastfeed.

whilst i was breastfeeding my son, hubby complains his whole family were over and i was yet to say hi. He was actually trying to pull baby out of my arms who was being breastfed. 
 

i lost it on him and told him to leave now. That i will breastfeed my son in privacy and comfort of iur bedroom and this was a party he wanted and refused to prep for so he can deal with it.

2 days before the bbq he even told me another brother was staying over. I told him great, you cooking them breakfast? Hubby stupidly replies "no i will be"

noooo hubby, i am busy breastfeeding and pumping milk for my baby and cooking breakfast for your brother and wife and their adult kids is not and never will supercede the priority in breastfeeding and pumping for my kid.

never again did he stupidly plan a family bbq. Because he knows next time the answer he will get from me is "great, so you'll be cleaning, prepping, marinating and cooking everything without my help??"

marriage is a partnership and we don't impose or make executive decisions regarding other peoples times. 
 

you're not comfortable with this so tell your husband that.