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JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Fri, 04/22/2022 - 2:56pm

DH84 and I are celebrating our 48th anniversary next weekend.  We are staying at the casino 2 nights and I've got a pedi scheduled.  Can't wait!

The only concern is SD60.  There's a pattern recently where she runs out of money by the 3rd week of the month and has a medical emergency in the 4th week.  In February, erratic behavior caused her neighbors to call 911.   She was admitted to a hospital with high heart enzymes.  When we took her home  the next day, her place was a mess and we went thru hours of confusion and running around trying to get her phone working.  Last month, she collapsed in a doctor's office and was taken to another hospital and kept overnight for tests and observation.  When we picked her up the next day, we spent an hour driving the hospital parking lot looking for her car.  After awhile, she realized tbe doctor's office was off campus 4 miles away.  In other words, she had no idea where she'd left it. DH drove it and SD rode home with me.

I took the opportunity to tell her as directly as I could that we couldnt handle these trips anymore.  Here I was, with my eye condition, doing 3 things I shouldn't: driving a busy highway, driving at night and driving in the rain.  I told her that DH, with his oncoming dementia, shouldn't be driving any unfamiliar routes , like these hospitals.  When we got her home, she ran in but was right back.  Did I have a key?  Who knows where hers was.  Yes and I gave it to her.  After awhile, I sent DH in when she had not returned it.

He says he has had a long talk with her about straightening out (stop drugging, stop lying), taking care of herself (down to 98 lb and doesn't eat consistently nor take her meds on schedule) and following up with all her docto's.  She has legitimate medical issues but doesn't follow thru on any of it.

So my question is, which if the following do you think will happen next week:

1)  We will celebrate our anniversary as planned and have a great time.

2)  SD will call Thursday or Friday from some medical facility with an urgent emergency and we will end up postponing our weekend while we deal with her issues.

3)  SD will call Thursday or Friday with an emergency but we will be able to escape in time to get to the casino Friday but we will arrive later than usual and I'll be resentful.

I don't normally talk to DH about SD since I've been disengaged but today, I said I hoped her monthly pattern doesn't happen this month.  Just to let him know it's all predictable.  She's already run out of money.  I guess we will see.

Comments

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Fri, 04/22/2022 - 3:11pm

And all the poo.

And happy anniversary!!!!!!

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Fri, 04/22/2022 - 3:36pm

I hope it's Door #1. But unlikely given her pattern.

Can you stop rescuing her and tell her to call one of her children? What would happen?

At 84 and with dementia, your DH can't physically continue to bail her out.

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Fri, 04/22/2022 - 3:56pm

I keep saying we wont do the rescue runs anymore.   I guess we feel sorry from her kids.  In this case, the hospital, tho not near us, was quite distant from h er kids.  Her oldest daughter, a welfare mom of a young boy, was about 50 miles away and there's always the " I dont have gas" issue.  Her son has been a no-show for a long time and also has a demanding job.  The youngest daughter just moved even further away than her sister.  But, yes, something has to change.

la_dulce_vida's picture

Submitted by la_dulce_vida on Fri, 04/22/2022 - 3:38pm

What about preempting the drama by giving her a surprise gift of cash?

But the main question is what will happen to SD60 when her father passes? Who will she call if he is gone? I know it sounds cold, but if you want a quiet weekend - give her the cash she's going to ask for right before you leave and then turn off your phones. Let the system deal with her as it will have to once her father is gone.

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Fri, 04/22/2022 - 4:05pm

That's an idea except I have vowed to never give her a dime over what we already contribute to her support from the family $.  DH talks to her all the time about "when I'm gone".  I think she blows it off like she does everything else.  I used to try to talk to her about it, too, but the minute I start hinting that hes declining, she starts crying.  Actually, Id like to be able to talk to any of the 3 about it, just to vent, if nothing else.  But, she starts crying, OSS is very sensitiv, too, and YSS is out of town.  I can talk to my son about it and do but he's out of town, too.  I already have an arrangement with DD that when he passes, she will keep SD away from me, I expect floods if tears and a big emo outpouring.  I won't be up for it then.

la_dulce_vida's picture

Submitted by la_dulce_vida on Fri, 04/22/2022 - 4:14pm

In this case, you'd be buying yourself something - a nice weekend away and her fat and happy doing what she does when she has cash.

elvangeline's picture

Submitted by elvangeline on Fri, 04/22/2022 - 4:55pm

Happy anniversary, hoping for the best. Always be prepared for the worst. As others mentioned, try to handle it now and get it out of the way. You deserve this break to yourself without any interruptions.

Thumper's picture

Submitted by Thumper on Fri, 04/22/2022 - 5:25pm

I hope you have a wonderful time without interruptions from sd60.

How ever, history has a way of repeating itself so, I will go with Number #1

Let's HOPE NOT Smile

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 04/22/2022 - 7:27pm

Block her for the weekend and hold the weekend for you and DH.  48 years, what an incredible accomplishment.  Congratulations.

SD can stay in the hospital.  I would also advise that the hospital be told to get her psych eval'd and to assign her an advocate.  It is time to remove yourself and DH from the SD-60 beck and call business.

smh

CajunMom's picture

Submitted by CajunMom on Sat, 04/23/2022 - 9:04am

Block her on yours and DH's phone. If she has a meltdown, let her kids or the authorities deal with her. Monday will come soon enough when you unblock her. 
 

Happy Anniversary! Great accomplishment especially in the HC step world!!

caninelover's picture

Submitted by caninelover on Sun, 04/24/2022 - 12:22pm

Also like the idea of gifting her some additional cash upfront.  Your DH is declining and only has so many good times left.  48 years is amazing and you two deserve to enjoy a quiet weekend.

Congrats and I hope you have a wonderful time, JRI!

Kaylee's picture

Submitted by Kaylee on Sat, 04/23/2022 - 6:49pm

I agree with others who have posted. You and hubby have done all you can for SD60.

Block her from your phones...if the hospital etc do ring, say that you're done and she is none of your concern.

I was dealing with a patient once, and she said can you call my mum? She'll come and get me. 

Hmmmm, ok. I called the mother and we had a very enlightenening discussion. She told me that she and her H had been put through hell, and could do no more. She said the police and welfare authorities were fully onboard with their decision to practice tough love, and step back from the entire situation.

The patient was mid twenties in age.

I appreciated the mum's candour and honesty.

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Sat, 04/23/2022 - 7:00pm

That's enlightening!

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Submitted by TheAccidentalSM on Mon, 04/25/2022 - 7:07am

Did you manage to escape?  And did you get to celebrate your anniversary?

 

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Mon, 04/25/2022 - 9:56am

Its next weekend, crossing my fingers.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Submitted by TheAccidentalSM on Mon, 04/25/2022 - 11:29am

I misread the original post.  I'll have all my fingers crossed for you.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Mon, 04/25/2022 - 7:23am

The prospects do suck.

But, do you think that she could be experiencing some earlier than your DH's dementia.. it sounds like there could be both environmental and some hereditary aspects going on for her.  I'm not saying this as a way to excuse her actions.. but maybe she has an underlying medical issue that is causing her to not be able to fully control her own behavior.. and perhaps she needs to be in a more monitored environment?

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Mon, 04/25/2022 - 9:55am

Early dementia, yes,   She's actually worse than DH.   She was here yesterday to cut his hair.  As usual, she forgot something when she left.