Crossing my chubhy little fingers
We subsidize SD61Grifter's housing expense. I hate it but its been worth it to get her out of my house 8 years ago. I've thought and wondered for ages how to end it. Last time we circled around the topic a couple years ago, The Grifter burst into tears, ran to the bathroom and DH87 turned on me and said, "Now she's going to kill herself!"
She was here last week in her sick mode, moaning and groaning. But, recovery has occurred cuz when she was here today, she seemed "normal". She was here to pay her portion of her "rent" and as usual, was sighing about the expense. I said, "You seem strong today. It's expensive for me, too. Let's talk about something sad. This money is coming from Dad's Social Security. When he passes, I won"t be able to keep this up. You cant afford it and neither can I" I expected the waterworks to begin and DH87 was pacing around nervously.
To my surprise, she said she'd been thinking about it, too. She was cutting hair today for a friend who is very up on government benefits and plans to use her help to get on the waiting list for government housing. I praised her honestly. I told her it's better to do this now rather than when DH87 passes and she's grieving. She seemed to know a lot of details and had given it thought. I suggested she also add to her application that she shouldn't be living alone and her friend has said Grifter might be able to get her doctor to state that. I think her plan is to get a house for her, her daughter, C, and grandson. I was laughing to myself cuz I dont know if C will go for it.
I'm not naive and know she's a stone liar but now that this topic has been brought up, I can revisit. I felt such relief today and DH seemed relieved, too. The saga continues....
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I'm glad you were able to
I'm glad you were able to talk to her about this. Quite honestly, I feel relieved for you too!
Yep
The door is open now.
Oops
.
She probably realises she won
She probably realises she won't be able to manipulate you, like she can with her Dad - and as such deems it advisable to behave in the adult mode. However, with this type of person, the transformation rarely lasts long. As long as her Dad is around, she will revert to crybaby, I think. Sorry to be pessimistic. It's good that you told her honestly where you both stand.
Manipulation
Well, she has manipulated me plenty, too, over life. But less now, thanks, Steptalk.
Locally, they opened some
Locally, they opened some subsidized (pay 30% of income) elderly assisted living. They converted one of the elderly high risers for this. They removed the kitchens. There is a small refrigerator and you can have a microwave. No stove. There's also someone to help with medication management.
They did this to keep people out of nursing homes longer. A subsidized assisted living apartment is cheaper than a nursing home room.
You get a small, one bedroom, apartment and three meals a day. Eligibility age starts at 62, but they will take your application at 61 and put you on the waiting list. If there is anything like that available, it might be a solution for her (as I doubt daughter wants to live with her).
Reality check
Her vision is the 3 of them living together. But I doubt granddaughter C will want to live with her, who would. Sbe will probably end up in an apartment, whatever, I dont care.
I am crossing my fingers
I am crossing my fingers right now on your behalf ( I would cross my toes if I could!) that SD might finally have gotten some kind of a reality check and has to accept that her ride on the Gravy Train is going to be over one day whether she likes it or not. . Its inevitable that the buck has to stop. there. End of the Line. Good on you for asserting that to her. IF she does happen to resort to her old way when the day comes by throwing a tantrum...just let her cry and whine it out all she wants. You made it clear that you wont have the means to back her even if you wanted to or not. It really wont be your problem anymore not like it should he in the first place. If she were to expect to keep dumping on you without DH, then she is going to have a rude awakening no matter what.
Bottom line
We established the bottom line out loud. It ends when Dadddeeee dies. Her choice whether to do it now or while in grief.
I've never before heard of
I've never before heard of anyone in their 60s still relying on Daddy for financial help for basic living expenses. She should be ashamed of herself. Old habits die hard.
^This is the epitome of how
^This is the epitome of how every step parent in the "adult step kid" forum probably feels
That "kid" never leaving the home, never leaving "kid" status, permanent dependent .... and nothing is wrong with them except their bio parent has enabled the behavior so long now their both stuck in this pattern of dependency/co-dependency
If I was in OP situation I'd much rather the lesser of the 2 evils which is toss a few dollars and help from a distance as long as I don't have to use my quiet peaceful home as an unlimited night 24/7 respite center for skids
It was hard to believe
You hit the nail on the head, Lily. She lived with us almost a year. It was hard to believe the effect. The drug jags, the irrational behavior, the crying, wandering thru the house at night, leaving the stove on, etc. We are rational people who were trying to help her. Like go to the doctors, get treatment, get a job, live normally. Sometimes she seemed normal, sometimes not, you never knew. My blood pressure was rising, we were both stressed, It was impossible to keep living like that. Any unusual event, like her daughter's wedding, or Christmas, was a cue for disaster. So, yes, we could afford it and I dont regret it.
My mil is basically the kind
My mil is basically the kind sweet version of JRI's sd. 62 and was living off of her mother (plus disability checks). Her mother died a few months back and now my husband and I are stepping in to help her until her inheritance comes through. (And then probably again in a few years when she'll have spent it all).
Crossing my fingers for you
Crossing my fingers for you that she can get off the daddy money train soon. Good at least that it's out in the open that she needs to do something. She sickens me.
She sickens me, too
I was thinking back to some of the memorable events while she was here. There was the winter day when she was walking around like a zombie. For some reason, I thought it was a good idea to take her with me to drive-thru takeout. She walked out of the house half-dressed and no shoes. Then there was the drug day when she was wandering around looking half-crazed. I had a hair appointment and couldn't wait to get out. When I came home, DH had called her daughter, M. M took charge, went to her downstairs room, confiscated and flushed all drugs. Every time SD started to come up, she yelled, "Go back!", " You're scaring Grandpa and Grandma!" and urged us to call the police. Then there was the time she robbed our elderly, bachelor neighbor. I could go on at length but you get the idea.
SD can get Social Security at 62
She will have to live with in her means. Like normal people do, unfortunately SD just didn't think the gravey train would not stop.
Ifs so unfortunate that many people go through life with out having a retirement plan. That company stop pensions and force government to take over there responsibility
Disability
She gets disability but it's not enough to live on her own. She needs the welfare housing. You"re right, she had no retirement plan other than her DH#2. But when she blew up that marriage with the infidelities, lying and drugs, oops.
she had no retirement plan
exhibit A = how to fumble a residual income check / bag
This sounds like a sister of
This sounds like a sister of mine, the one who told our mother that her (our mother's) death was her (my sister's) retirement plan! Can you imagine? (Well, I guess you can.) This sister went through two very nice husbands who had great careers (one worked at the White House and looked like he walked off the pages of GQ) -- she treated them both like crap (cheated) and booted them out because "the grass is always greener." She was at one time a very successful young professional herself. Then she got back in touch with her inner entitled bitch and continued to treat others badly, got super lazy, latched onto hypochondria, went through other people's money (including two inheritances) like candy, and now lives in a manner that would have our father rolling over in his grave. Reported by another sibling: non-flushing toilets in her house, HVAC system down more often than operational, stacks of greasy pots and pans everywhere, etc. She regularly drops hints to family members that she needs help (like needs to move in). No. No. And No again. We figure she'll end up in a state-run facility.
You handled that conversation
You handled that conversation perfectly. Well done.
First of many
Thats going to be the first convo of many. I'm also continuing to discuss with DH, stressing the positives for her and us. She doesn't like to listen to me but she listens to him.
She should have been in
She should have been in welfare housing for years now. It was literally built for people in her situation. Plus, it's not all that bad. Unless she's one of those people who is too good to join any club that would have her as a member. The other residents will be much like her, though a lot of them probably really had something wrong with them that disabled them and put them in their situation.
I agree
We discussed it back 8 years ago when we agreed she would move. She wasn't enthusiastic and I couldn't handle lengthy waiting list, had to get her out. Once she gets in, my advice will be: don't talk to the neighbors. She always ends up with trouble there. Not that she will listen to me.
We are already hearing the entitlement: fenced yard (unnecessary, no pets), garage (I've lived here 50 years without one). There will be more.
I'm so glad that you had the
I'm so glad that you had the first somewhat successful icebreaker on this topic. I know talking about losing SO is not a pleasant topic, but at least he did not have the ramp up of drama from SD61Grifter.
That she is my age peer (+1yr) is infuriating to me. We have having the housing discussion with my mom and dad. Though it is from the 180* out of phase perpsective to the one you and DH are having with the Grifter. They want us there, living with them, and they want their home to become ours. It has a level of importance beyond must a house. It is mom and dad's home that built as a family home base for their retirement. That was nearly 25 years ago. They want it to be mine and DW's home and have recently changed their Will leaving it to both of us. Not just to me. I have said many times that they like my bride more than they like me.
I will make sure my younger brother is fully in on that. Though he has apparently told mom and dad that he is fine with that. He will never live there because my SIL would never live there. We do not need their home, though after selling ours a year ago, we do not currently own. We have more than enough resources for retirement though if the housing market does not moderate then retract, buying a house will take a chunk out of that retirement nest egg depending where we decide to retire.
At this point, it is very likely that we will retire to where my parents, my brother, and my niece and her family are. SS will likely eventually end up there as well after he retires from the military. My nephews and their SOs may also end up there since my brother and SIL are there and DW and I likely will be as well.
My parents have always wanted a family home for everyone and their families. Their vision was property with multiple homes, on a lake. That is highly unlikely but odds are that we will all remain close and get together at mom and dads even when they are gone. Hopefully that is a decade+ and we get together at mom and dads for years to come.
Enjoy each other! Hopefully this is the SD61Grifter's first inkling of actually launching.
Want to live there?
Do you really want to live in the house? I'm getting the impression you're lukewarm.