Learned Helplessness in stepkids
Since the beginning of my 12 year relationship with DH, I would question him as to why he was teaching the stepkids "learned helplessness" by reinforcing their assumption that they couldn't do things for themselves. This included not having any chores, not knowing how to prepare simple snacks or meals, etc. For several years, I focused on simply surviving, as the stress got really bad and SM was doing her sabotaging thing.
I noticed DH for the first time, after he and I finally had the talk with SD 18 about going to family therapy for her depression, taking a bit of control back from the skids. It was a beautiful thing to see. So, SD 16 was put in charge of watching the pasta and making sure it didn't boil over, while DH and I and SD 18 had our talk. SD was told we needed to talk to her sister and nothing that we said in this talk was to be argued over, repeated to SD or weaponized toward her sister in any way. She was feeling a little jealous of the loss of attention for 15 minutes, and of course, let the pasta boil over. Then, she interrupted twice to ask if she should turn the burner down, and how long to boil it - even though the instructions were on the package and she has done this many times before. I think her dad realized what she was doing, and he had HAD ENOUGH.
So after we got up and ended our talk. SD 16 gets on him immediately asking him to screw her bedframe back together, because she had noticed that after he spent an hour putting it together for her, that one of the screws was not screwed all the way in. She said this with urgency just as we were trying to sit down to dinner. He said "Well, the screws are in my toolbox in the garage and so is the electric drill. You can do this yourself." I was so proud of him in that moment. Usually, he lets the kids pull him in 8 different directions as they compete for his attention while he is trying to complete a task or have a phone conversation. Thety would also routinely wait until he sat down to dinner and then say "OH, i need a spoon" or " Oh, I forgot to get a glass of water." and they would look at him expectantly. He would jump up as I said "There are spoons in the drawer - go get yourself one." or "You know where the glasses are, please get yourself what you need." He would say "Its ok. I'll get it, and he would wait on them hand and foot. I could see how exhausted he was so this annoyed me. Has anyone else encountered this, and how did you handle it? Did your spouse finally ever learn to say "Get it yourself, dear?"
He would jump up as I said
He would jump up as I said "There are spoons in the drawer - go get yourself one." or "You know where the glasses are, please get yourself what you need." He would say "Its ok. I'll get it, and he would wait on them hand and foot. I could see how exhausted he was so this annoyed me. Has anyone else encountered this, and how did you handle it? Did your spouse finally ever learn to say "Get it yourself, dear?"
My DH is STILL DOING THIS with YSD16. It drives me INSANE. But if I say anything, I'm the baddie. Recently, posted here somewhere too, she sat in front of the meal (takeout from a restaurant and food was in boxes) and her empty plate and said, "How do I get it out?" SIXTEEN. Ok, 15.85, ALMOST SIXTEEN. I said, "Really? You cannot figure out that you need to get a spoon?" While DH was bending over backwards, "Oh do you need a spoon, a spoon, right? I'll get it for you!" FFS. Totally undermining me and simultaneously treating YSD like a queen. I cannot hardly talk with her one on one when DH is around because he's always jumping in on the conversation, over-talking me or undermining me.
I have only one reason why he does this that he's stated: He doesn't want to lose YSD like he did OSD. So he caters and babies instead of forming a truly good relationship of trust and teaching.
I hardly ever even talk when they are both in the room. I mean, she asked me about the ice-maker in the freezer the other day - note ASKED ME DIRECTLY and in the middle of telling her what was going on (it's a work-around) DH jumps in and starts explaining it. "Excuse me, she asked me and I was telling her, can you just let me do that?" Silence, so I start again, and AGAIN he starts in. "Well, I guess you don't want me to talk with her at all or can you just let me answer her?!" It's unreal.
My DH just admitted
My DH just admitted after years that he is TERRIFIED that his daughters will stop all contact with him if he doesn't cater to them. His oldest SD was a nightmare, and she actually told him to leave me or she would never speak to him again. He told her no, and she moved in with her mom and stopped taking his calls. Now, after 3 years, she is back to being friendly with him again, but it hurt him pretty bad. I think that might be what your guy is afraid of. Maybe if you can bring this to his attention and get him counseling, he might begin to accept that he has no control over what his kids do in retaliation. He needs to ask himself what is the bigger picture that these kids take away from their interactions with him? My SD's used to ask me things like "How do I use a broom?" and "How do I use a can opener?" I was astounded. My own mother was the queen of "get it yourself." I think I could fry an egg at age 2. LOL.
My DH was worried the SSs
My DH was worried the SSs would not come over if he made them do chores (place their empty pop cans in the kitchen sink they constantly passed) or he didn't schedule a fun outing. (The SDs were PAS'd at that time and only came over on rare occasion.)
When I disengaged, DH was forced to do everything. And he got tired of it. And the boys didn't die doing stuff! By the time SS22 aged out (joined the Army after HS grad), the SSs were doing all of our yard work, helping DH work on his car, painting the living room...
Not only did they NOT stop coming, they talk to him multiple times a week.
As for the SDs, BioHo's crazy made their lives like a nightmarish roller-coaster. In the last several months, both have thanked him for being a steady, dependable rock.
I'm glad things got better
I am really glad things got better for you. I know DH's don't have it easy, but I think if they are not too broken, and they love you, then things can change for the better. Sometimes only time will tell. I am going to fantasize now about my skids joining the army having some drill sargent make them run laps every time they forget to clean up after themselves. LOL. The older I get, the harder it is to bend over and pick stuff up off the floor with out making that "oof!" sound.
Not something that I recall that we ever struggled with.
SS was fully expected to self perform at an age appropriate level. At every age. Funny how well that works when parents keep in mind that their primary role is to raise them to viable adulthood. Far too many parents mistake coddling with caring for. Coddling and caring for are two very different things.
Raising them, not housing them!
One of my favourite quotes was from someone here who told their child "I'm not using you to get the work done, I'm using the work to get you done". Our job is to turn them into self sufficient, successful adults. Allowing them to do a job is allowing them to succeed. Especially when you know you could do it faster and better by yourself - allowing kids from a very young age to have chores sets them up for success. Parenting! It's the difference between housing vs raising a child!
My SO does this as well. It
My SO does this as well. It's part of her "infantilization project" to ensure her kids remain dependent on her. Her daughter just had a baby, and SO is over at their apartment 24/7 waiting on them. She is their maid, personal assistant, au pere, and personal shopper. It's pretty sad to watch.
Don't even get me started! My
Don't even get me started! My DH exhausted himself and made himself my SKs' slave, especially his mini-wife32. She grew into the laziest most entitled creature I've ever met. At 23, she'd be parked at the computer and DH would run around making her dinner for her and bringing her plates. He got her snacks and brought them to her. She wouldn't even do so much as rinse off an apple herself. Utterly pathetic. When she was done eating, DH would show up to take her plate and then ask her how her dinner was.
To this day, SD is useless and helpless. She buys all of her meals. She can't do anything to feed herself. Her partners always have to come home from work to cook for her. She acts helpless to get attention. She's an accountant yet she'll ask a hundred questions before putting something in the microwave. She claims she can't tell time on a conventional clock, so she'll be in our livingroom and see two clocks and ask what time it is. It's unreal. When she announced her pregnancy, people in the extended family were stunned and made comments about how raising a child means feeding it. One even said, "you know you'll have to prepare food, right?" I almost died laughing.
My SD16 (youngest of 3) has
My SD16 (youngest of 3) has the "asking questions" routine down pat. If you ask her to put the french fries in the oven, she will ask for how long, at what temp? (Its on the bag.) She also constantly ask you to check on them to tell her if they are done. Then, she will ask you to take them out of the oven for her because she is afraid of burning herself. Then she will ask how to get them off the pan and onto a plate. It is as if she knows the answers, but just doesn't want to do the work of remembering them. Maybe she is just hoping we will get tired and do it ourselves? I don't, but my DH does.
The thing that really gets me
The thing that really gets me, is when the skid is smart enough to sneak around and scheme. That's when you know their helplessness is a ruse, and it's disgusting.
They can figure out how to steal your things undetected. They emit the IDGAF attitude about current events, everything really. Nothing interests them except their next meal. And you realize they're not necessarily stupid, they're just selfish and lazy.
Ex used to (and probably
Ex used to (and probably still does) run around after his ADULT daughter 24/7....
If she had to do something like call an insurance company re a claim, she would tell him she was "too anxious" to talk on the phone so he would do it for her. It's just utter crap the way these parents baby and coddle their kids so they indeed grow up to be hopeless "adults"...
Actually I agree too with what IpsoFacto just posted - these kids are cunning as F. Ex SD claimed to be too anxious to do most things, but could go out drinking downtown in bars all night, parade around at the gym for hours in full make up and skin tight active wear, claim the unemployment benefit instead of getting a job etc...
Disengage from this crap
Unless it affects you--and by "affects you" I mean more than "gives my poor darling DH a sadz"--ignore them.
I'm sympathetic. I went into orbit when I realized that DH was costing me money by hanging onto a way overpriced cell phone service so he could keep his apparently helpless son on his cell plan. Sonny was then 23 and had held a very well-paying job for 2 years, and I was putting DH though school. So I was indirectly paying for the blister's messaging and porn downloads. Otherwise I'd have let them stew in it, like a good disengaged step parent should.
When you notice them getting up into each other's butts, get up and leave the room. Unless it affects you, let them get on with it, and you do the same.
Annoyed
Dh compains that his shirt smells funny. Dh admits he has not done a load of his own laundry in 3 months, so somehow this is my fault. Dh likes to throw his clothes and wet towels in a pile on the floor, which I have begun to ignore since I am not his maid. Apparently, the mildew smell didn't come out when he threw his dirty shirt in with his daughters clothes, because he doesn't know to wash mildewy stuff in hot water with colorsafe bleach. I think I must have turned on that load to get it out of the washer so I could wash my clothes, not knowing it was extra stinky. Ugh. Why are men allowed to grow up not knowing how to cook, clean, do laundry and basically not be GIANT INFANTS later in life?! Sorry. Just ranting today. I don't care if he smells, I am not doing his laundry anymore. I am just going to take it out of the dryer or washer and put it in a pile on the floor. That seems to be how he likes it.
My 5'2" super mom made damned sure that her boys clearly
understood that women were not their servants and to know how to cook basic meals, do laundry, make a bed, and clean etc, etc, etc.... As we grew up, our chores grew in scope and complexity. It was not mom's job to cater to us. Though she is an amazing cook, and her home has always been beautiful and impeccably kept. She is the wizard in the kitchen. So dad is the apprentice who does all of the dishes, etc.....
Oddly as we grew up we spent more time helping mom cook, and more time cleaning up after meals. Mom and dad would saunter off to their room with a twinkle in their eyes.
To this day those skills return incredible results for me in my marriage. Cleaning the kitchen, folding and putting away the laundry, running a vacuum cleaner, and using a duster is simple but builds incredible connection in a marriage. I may just be on the verge of figuring out what was going on when mom and dad would saunter to their room with twinkling eyes.
Now to go shred another man card.
But I draw the line at wearing an apron.
Learned helplessness is infuriating in a kid.
Though I think that there is an additional step to the rook cause. With so many failed parents today, helplessness in kids is taught. I feel for kids cursed with this type of shit for a parent.