Just another example of how DH is marginalized and Im a little sad...

This week is Dh's week with Sd15.5, and we did something Monday for our holiday, just us. Tuesday Toxc Troll picked her up and they went out to dinner together. Then last night (wednesday night), DH tells me Toxic Troll took her to the salon to get her nails done. I said something to the effect of "Toxic Troll is effectively crapping on your time with your kiddo, why does she suddenly decide to do all this on YOUR week?" Then I added "but its not like you two actually spend any time together during YOUR weeks, because shes always in her room, and only comes out to eat, and its usually after we have eaten. Or your out fishing and she no longer goes with you, and she just stays in her room..."

So, he comes back with "Im thinking of putting together a chore list for allowance". Which is good. I came back with "according to advice on this topic, its a really good idea to have chores that are unpaid as well as paid, so there is a sense of contribution to the household that supports, but its your final decision and I will support what you decide."

WELL, the big mystery of why Toxic Troll is doing all this has come out. SD15.5 is a member of her high school ROTC. And there is a ball scheduled for this Saturday. She came home and showed her nails (really really long tips, but "french manicure" style). And mentioned it was specifically for the ball, and that her mother would be taking her because her outfit is there at the apartment. I just got a little sad, because I knew stuff like this was coming up. Her mother suddenly gets to be MOTY and do all the party prep, shopping and salons visits, and stand there proud in the pictures gloating.

The part that makes me sad and think that again DH is being marginalised is that he didnt even know about this ball, he knew generally about it and I knew generally about it, but when I had asked for specific dates, shed gotten squirrely about it "I dont know..." and never mentioned anything to her father.

All I did was say with positive intonation "oh thats cool, but we would really like to have some pictures of you." She got my point. And offered to stop by for pictures, or send some that her friends were sure to take. Thats all we get folks. And Im not at all considered as far as even getting the date of things. I know Im supposed to be disengaged, but this was like a punch to the gut. I would have so loved to be involved.

Good for her sticking with this and doing well. And good for her that her mother is helping her with all the girly prep stuff, and doing all the purchasing. It just reminds me of why I had to disengage. I used to do all that stuff - the special event dressy outfits, the salon visits, mani-pedis. And now, just reduced to being nothing. Edited to add that I had prepared a dinner for us all to eat together and when she came home I asked that she set the table and she said she wasnt hungry and I asked DH and apparently shed been taken out to dinner again. And when I asked she made weird excuses that shed "only taken three bites". Like I was going to get mad at her. I just said no biggie - Ill just put everything away afterwards. But why lie as if Im this tyrant that will be angry shes not eating diner with us. Just made me sadder.

Thanks for reading my little Pity Ball

CLove's blog
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I find this is one of the

I find this is one of the weirdest things about steplife with a high conflict, emotionally immature BM...my DH - a parent - knows virtually nothing about his kids' lives and when he asks he gets shut down as if he's out to get BM.

I also wish his family could understand how weird and sad that must be for him...esp since they often know more about skids lives than he does...instead they still act like he should just give in to all BM's demands (newsflash, he did that for years and still didn't know what was going on with them and still was treated like a babysitter).

Ive been

Repeating "you cannot care more than the bio parents" and he doesnt seem too concerned. Its always been that weird thing. Hes not into the girly things at all, but I would have thought pictures...

However its not up to me, and girls generally relate better to their mother than their father, and they are pretty enmeshed anyway.

Later on

It will be marginalized at engagements, showers, weddings, etc.

It's unfortunate but it is the impact of a dysfunctional step situation. So no real advice except to expect this to be a wave of the future, sadly.

Sadly yes

And I knew it was coming down the pipeline. Ive already made plans for the weekend. So, hopefully this will help. I dont have my own bios...and have been really feeling down about it.

My DH is for sure

My DH is for sure marginalized as well and he knows it, is very aware of it. He's going through some sadness now because I think there was some kind of email exchange between he and BM about OSD18/college and possible YSDs 16th birthday (this weekend). He's got no input on college at all except to be expected to fork over way too much $ for OSD (and be ok still with no contact) and now YSD hasn't included him in any birthday stuff - she just left our house over a week ago with an "oh by the way" to DH apparently.

Both SDs used to do nothing but sit in their rooms all weekend, coming out for food. There'd be slightly more activity in the summer but not much. I had many discussions with DH about DOING something with them even if it meant yard work, or errands or just something like going to a movie. But he would always say something like, "But they won't do that." MAKE them DH, YOU have to make them be involved. But he doesn't see parenting as authorotative (he gets it mixed up with authortarian) at all and is an super great example of passive parenting. I cannot help but think the PAS wouldn't be so great if he had active involvement and made an effort with them years ago.

I'm taking him out to a nice dinner on Saturday.

Said it well

I tell DH he is "warehouse parenting", he feeds and clothes and pays for things, but is not actively engaged with her. The same thing with her sister SD22 Feral Forger.

Before Disengagement (BD) I would organize outings and we would DO THINGS together. Family Movie Night. Dinners at the dinner table TOGETHER. Driving trips around town. Special things happening around town. Now I solo trip and DH goes fishing and SD15.5 stays in her room on the phone all weekend.

Feral Forger is suposed to be visting next month sometime and staying with Toxic Troll and no word to dad. Apparenting its just for her boyfriend and sister (they text now) to know whats up. But I took him from her.

remember, he chooses to have

remember, he chooses to have it this way. It's the way he likes it and you can't change it if he wants it this way.

He does and doesnt

He tells me Toxic Troll was always over the top with the hugs and kisses. He called it "mothering". And hes just not good at that stuff.

He doesnt know what to do.

Yes, I used to do all the

Yes, I used to do all the planning and organizing until they ALL started pushing back on it and DH didn't support my decisions, timeline or anything. If they (SDs) didn't want to do it then DH said they didn't have to do it. So I cold turkey stopped. And hardly anything happens. This past holiday I just didn't have it in me to do even that - something I enjoy (I'm not a super duper holiday person but I like the food, cooking, together time, etc.). I did NOTHING but make some cookies I liked, a batch DH liked and that's it. I didn't even help set up the tree. Told DH to do it with SD while I was out with a friend. I think that's the only thing YSD and DH did together the entire week.

As someone who has been on

As someone who has been on both sides - feeling left out and being someone who had to be overly involved because of the specific situation - it's a lose-lose no matter what.

You either get gut punched and feel sad because you didn't get to do the special thing, or you get angry and sad because the other BP wasn't there to do the special thing with their kid.

I've had to change my perspective on this and de-centralize both DH and I. ET getting senior pictures with OSS was a positive FOR HIM. No, DH didn't get that experience, but OSS did, and those pictures were for and about HIM. DH and I took YSS to the career center open house and ET couldn't be bothered to show. YSS getting to go was a positive FOR HIM, because it was about him. I can be angry and sad about the situation, but it won't do me any good to hold onto those feelings. OSS and YSS get what they need, and that's ultimately what matters.

So, feel your feelings but let them go. SD gets to go to the ball. She gets to have a positive memory with her mother, which she sorely needs. It's a net positive for the person who the event is intended for, so center on that.

This is a good mindset shift

This is a good mindset shift suggestion.

yeah I know

I know in my head. Its whats "best for the child". "its all about her not about me or my feelings or DH".

I know this. Im sure it will be fine and dandy. I will need to double-down on my disengagement. For me. Which makes me sad.

It just underlines the fact that being needed isnt the same as being loved. That doing and helping and spending will absolutely never gain the love and acceptance.

Dont you think its weird that she wouldnt tell us though?

YSD hardly ever talks about

YSD hardly ever talks about what's going on at BMs.

However I get the feeling that both SDs always talked about what was/wasn't going on at our home.

Honestly? No, I don't think

Honestly? No, I don't think it's weird that a teen girl who has an unstable mother who is *finally* taking an interest in something without seemingly causing drama didn't tell her dad - the more stable parent - about this. Because TT will make her life difficult if SD tries to ruin something "special" that TT has invested time, money, and effort into.

You're an adult who (seemingly) wasn't raised by a POS mother, a semi-uninvolved father (you've admitted as much), and an unstable sister. You have both the experience and brain maturity to recognize that it was hurtful not to tell you all about this event, and that the consequences from TT would be a lot of bark with little bite.

But SD is still young. She has learned a very disordered way of dealing with her mom and sister. That disordered way involves excluding your DH and you when TT is involved. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with surviving the next three years where she is required to interact with her mom.

You get the privilege of stability and a mostly stable, supportive partner. SD spends 50% of her life in poverty with two people who are physically abusive to one another and either ignore her or try to use her against her other family members who she loves. You don't have to accept crappy behavior toward you, but you also should be mindful that when she CAN do something that doesn't cause drama in her life that you let her have it WITHOUT tangling your own feelings into it. Basically, you can be sad, but don't put the burden of you being sad on her.

Its a line thats hard to see sometimes

Whats not acceptable and what should I just swallow. So basically "suck it up powder puff", deal with it knowing whats going on isnt personal and its just one moment among many different moments. Get my own thing going on and let them do them. I already have many plans.

Well, ok so, plotted out plans rarely pan out smoothly, when it comes to TT. So I figure since Im not "allowed to be involved", I will be far away from it. Toxic Troll and Sd15.5 can figure out all logistics and maybe Ill get to hear about it later, or not. This "belongs to TT" first and foremost. If I happen to be around for picture taking, great, if not I will shrug it off theres always next year possibly.

It definitely makes sense that TT would have "ownership", and get mad about our involvement since we were not included in anything. I guess I didnt think of it that way.

It doesn't belong to TT. It

It doesn't belong to TT. It belongs to SD. And this is one of the few times that SD gets to share positively in something with her mom. We all know TT is trash, but SD isn't there yet - and may never be. Don't punish SD for her mother being trash. She didn't choose TT - that honor belongs to your DH, and he deserves some of your negative feelings directed toward him because his decision to breed with TT is what led to a situation like this.

Think of it this way: you have a stylist you've been going to for a few years after your previous stylist moved on to a new salon. One day, the old stylist calls you and says "hey, I want to try something new that I think you'll like, if you're willing to drive out to me, I'll do it for free."

So you drive out to the old stylist and get the thing done to your hair. A week later, you see your current stylist for a haircut and they notice the new color or whatever you had done.

Would you appreciate your current stylist getting upset with you because you got your hair done by someone else - someone else you trust with your hair? My guess is that your intention wasn't to offend them, but at the same time, it's your hair. You dictate who gets to style it. It wasn't a slight against your current stylist to see the old one - it was just something different and unique for YOU.

This is about SD's life. It's not that she doesn't want you and DH involved; this is just something in her life she is sharing with TT. There are things she shares with the two of you that she doesn't share with her. TT isn't any more entitled to the ROTC ball than you all are, but she gets the opportunity to be involved this time because it's what SD wants.

By all means, disengage from SD. But make sure you're disengaging from her because her behavior *towards you* is something you need to disengage from. Don't do it as a way to punish SD for not including you. That's just manipulation.

Disengagement is purely for me

But its a fine line there too. Im going to do my thing for me. But theres always been that tug of "but what if she needs me there?" I dont think Im punishing - it looks and sounds like everything is taken care of.

And yes, everynow and then I get mad at DH for "choosing" Toxic Troll for such a long period of time. But since I cannot give anyone children, maybe it was for the best. Im just feeling sort of down today.

It Will Continue

As CanineLover said, the marginizing of the dad will continue....dances, graduations, weddings, showers, grandkids. My DH was left out of so much. If the BM went, he wasn't invited. Or rather, WE weren't invited. They'd have been thrilled with just DH going so they could have their fantasy family back together. Once I cut off from DHs kids, he's gotten a few invites. He says I'm always included but they know I'm not going, so it's just for show.

All I can offer in advice is to focus on your relationship with DH and make the best life for you two. Sending you a big virtual hug. I'm sorry you have to be in this position.

Excuses

yeah. She excused not telling us and involving her mother in everything with "well I thought you and dad had plans".

Well we make plans, yes, but we have ALWAYS been there for everthing possible.

I understand you are upset

I understand you are upset things aren't as they could and should be but lots of it is just DH's choice.

Doesn't school have some type of website/calendar/portal that posts schedule? One can also talk to ROTC instructor on how to obtain a calendar or how to get on email list (no one doesn't need to be a techie to do any of it, one just has to care to have that info). I don't see how he is being marginalized if he has ways to find out what's happening in school and school related events. When SD is home he doesn't interact with her then why he is upset she is doing something with mom?

good luck with chores. I once was so fed up with DD's mess that I offered to pay her and she said she'd rather not have any allowances than clean hahaha She still doesn't want to clean, she does have cleaning lady though. DD believes that people who don't like cleaning could still have clean house by hiring help, she thinks I am wasting my previous time on cleaning and should hire someone. She probably has a point

You can ask SD to get you pictures or you and dad can host an event for SD like birthday party or end of school and take pics there. You just have to work with what you have.

Responses

I understand you are upset things aren't as they could and should be but lots of it is just DH's choice.

Answer: DH doesnt get choices. He didnt know the date, all was told was that it was happening "some time in the futre", yet Ill bet they got the dress and the intention behind the nails was for that only. Its been a recurring theme Toxic Troll and Sd15 just go off and do whatever.

Answer: The ROTC here is separate from the high school somehow. Im not going to overstep my boundaries like I did last April. I did all that asking and talking to instructors and all I got was accusations and trash-talked.

I don't see how he is being marginalized if he has ways to find out what's happening in school and school related events. When SD is home he doesn't interact with her then why he is upset she is doing something with mom?

DH doesnt want to force interactions, and practically has to have a crowbar to extract her from her room wheres shes on the phone. This ROTC thing is separate from school functions.

You can ask SD to get you pictures or you and dad can host an event for SD like birthday party or end of school and take pics there. You just have to work with what you have.

Answer: I did mention it would be nice and she did mention she could send some and it was left at "lets see how it goes". DH is just so afraid of Toxic Troll and her threats he doesnt want to impose anything.

I was not saying YOU need to

I was not saying YOU need to be overstepping and finding these dates but DH can and should. Yes ROTC might have its own info channels and might not be at a high school but parents still can find out when events happen. Your DH isn't particularly involved parent so you just have to accept it.

Maybe DH doesn't know much or doesn't interact with his kids because he is scared of BM but the bottom line is he is who he is.

I understand he doesn't want to argue with BM, that's I get. My DH was petrified of BM, she died and he is still scared! Like she'll come back from dead. But your DH could interact with his kid when she is in his house. And he doesn't. That's the reality. Not every single thing is BM and SD to blame for. He could talk to his kid or not go fishing alone or not dump her on you at all times (at least in the past he constantly did that alienating his own kid)

You have to accept how things are because that's who he is

I'm sorry but DH has the

I'm sorry but DH has the right to say no to TT when it's his time, if he chooses not to that's on him.

As for the dance and girlie stuff, I did all of that with Spawn because we had custody, BUT, she would then go to Meth Mouth's or a friend’s house and get ready. So we never got to see her or take pictures or watch her get ready with friends. Also I was buying her dresses and it turns out her GrandHag would go out and buy her three or four different dresses to choose from...so the dresses I was buying her that she picked out never got worn. I would also take her to get her nails done (acrylics) and when she would return from visiting Meth Mouth they would be all picked off because Meth Mouth said they look trashy. Honestly just enjoy knowing you aren't having to spend any money on this.

Awe Man

Id be pi$$ed!

i told Sd that the downside of the nails was that you had to maintain the suckers, or pull them off. She just shrugged.

Yep, Ive spent much over the years. So now its Toxic Trolls turn. And then wait to hear about a trip shes taking or something shes buying for herself. Because tax returns.

If DH would actually talk to his DD

Not like hello. But really talk with her. He would know what happening her life. This is on him. Not you or BM.

BM is the BM. It's her DD. She gets to get her DD a dress for the ball, get her nails done, hair ect. That her right unfortunately being a SM mwith a normal BM (lol). this what happens. And it will happen again with graduation, her wedding birth of GC. SP are not part of that picture. That why SP ing is so hard