BM died in 2020. While DHs kids did tell him I was invited, no way in hell would I go. A funeral is to pay respects....I had no respect for that woman and all the damage she directed at me in her life. 

As for what DHs kids think of me, didn't care then, don't care now. As I told DH, I've had 5 family members die while married to him (sister, nephew, 2 brothers, mom). Not one of his kids showed up, not one of his kids sent sympathies, or ever said one word to me. So F them and their "thoughts of me." LOL

You played that very well, now if anyone ever says anything- you told me not to come.

I would go to BM's funeral though--- just to spit on her grave! 

Yep.. the best thing was to tell them you were sorry for their loss and would attend if they wanted you to go but that you understood completely that this was their day...

Honestly, with adult skids, I almost see no reason for the EX and their new partner/spouse to attend the funeral.  I can see a parent of a minor child accompanying them to a funeral but unless there was a super civil/cordial relationship?  I don't know why it is necessary.  Adults should be able to manage their own grief process and not need their parent there to do that.

Im taking notes. Iveg often thought about what if something happens to DH and he goes before me. BM banned of course. But if BM goes, definitely not going to any kind of service in her name.

When our BM died, I assumed we would not go.  I reached out to YSS who seemed to be handling things and offered help, like babysitting or whatever.  I thought I was done.  DD contacted me and said the SKs wanted us to come, they probably wanted DH but knew he wouldn't go without me.  So we went, most awkward thing ever.   I sat in the back, made conversation with gkids and whoever.  But right before we left, I walked up close enough to see BM.  I had to make sure she was really, finally dead.

We have children together, he's been battling an illness for years now and his time here on earth is dwindling. Our youngest is now an "adult" and for years I knew if his dad passed I would go to his funeral to support him. Now he's grown-ish and I can't stand the idea of hearing my narcissistic ex, abusive husband and father be eulogized. Oh when my ex was initially diagnosed years ago HE made it clear to my other then adult children that I was to be barred entry to his funeral at the door. Imagine tasking your children with that while they are "grieving" your loss.  Years have gone by since then and I guess should he go downhill I need to have that conversation with my children that "no, I won't be attending your fathers funeral " it's not so much that HE didn't want me there, I really couldn't stand to hear the fake praise for such a toxic and terrible person he was 80% of the time. Now my DH is another story, his children will demand he be there to support them, oh and they will likely demand a grand affair that their dad will be expected to pay for. I honestly can't say he won't, based on all he puts up with from these adult children, he likely would. 

No way either DH or I would go to BM's funeral. I just hope she doesn't die while SS21 is still 100% dependent on her. 

BM here passed away a few years ago.  She lived out of state.  DH actually offered to help pay for cremation without talking to me beforehand and I wanted to smack him.  I get he wanted to do whatever he could to be there for SS but to offer our money to help pay for BM final expenses?  Um, no. So in a way he slipped into that old pattern he was in when SS was a kid, forgetting that it's not just his money but ours.   Luckily SS is independent and said no, as well he should have. BM frequently used SS as an ATM and he resented that.  He didn't want to be seen as doing that maybe?  

We didn't go to any funeral.  There wasn't one.  I don't know if dh would've gone if there was one. It wouldn't have been necessary.  SS had his wife to support him and he has a half brother from BM so it really wouldn't have been necessary for him or us to be there.  

My mom came to my dad's funeral but she was on good terms with him and my stepmother.  She mainly was there to support my sister.  They sat away from me and my brother.  We had my dad's family plus I had my husband with me, so while it was nice of my mom to come pay her respects, we would have been fine if she had chosen not to be there. We were all adults. 

Skids are adults soooooo, I highly doubt we will get word of ANY deaths until long after the fact, then it will be some snarky email from BM's lawyer that dh's lawyer forwarded to him. With a stern reminder that even a death doesnt mean life long child support will end.

... as hard-nosed as it's possible to be. I give my step zero slack, and my bios precious little more.

But a funeral? If your DH is going--presumably as a support to his kids--then you should be there too as a support to him. I get that everyone loathes/loathed everyone else, but does that really negate the human need for emotional and moral support during a difficult time?

Asking for a friend.

But at least you have their response that you are not to be at the funeral in writing. Hopefully their father forwent attending as well.

When they  flip the script in the future and comment how heartless you were by not attending slather them with copies of their forbiddance of your attendance.  Make sure your DH's entire clan gets a copy.

All while offering "heart felt" condolences of course.

When my SS-29's SpermGrandHag finally kicks the bucket, which can happen none too soon, his mom and I will attend to be there for our son. And I may just avoid pissing on her coffin as it is lowered into her pit to hell.  Maybe.

Have I ever shared how much I detest that Harpy Hag from Hell?

You are to be congratulated for your response.  As many have suggested print out your correspondence with them for further use.

At BM's Celebration of Life the chairs were arranged in a circle and everyone started telling stories about how much money she had "borrowed" in the months before her death. She got $500 from us. 

Absolutely no I would not ask if I was invited. If my husband goes, I go as we're supposed to be as one. But I would keep my mouth shut and my expressions neutral so as not to cause the skids more pain. Now, if my husband were asked by his kids to not bring me, I don't believe he'd go. 

"Ever go to a funeral just to make sure someone's really dead?"

In all seriousness, you did very well. And I agree with CajunMom in that a funeral is to pay your last respects to someone. Let's face it, there was no respect, and that flowed concurrently/mutually.

If you had gone you wouldn't have done anything right, so you dodged yet more agony.

Great move! You made them feel like they were in control, when really it was you who was fully in control.

Ok I had this conversation today with my DH. He has been divorced for 13 years. Of those years 11 of them married to me. I asked him today at some point down the road when his x passes away would he go to the funeral. His two kids are middle aged adults. Granted the x wife is mentally ill but I am just perplexed how he could even consider going. Now the woman is in a facility and I don't think she is sick or going to die anytime soon. It could be decades. Can anyone give me their thoughts on why my DH would even consider going to the x's funeral when that time comes?  The x lives in a different state so it would be a expense to go. Of course this is all future speculation but I am troubled by my DHs answer.