My Name Will Never Be "Mom"

I know that my step-children will never call me "Mom" to my face. They refer to me as their mom to other people - such as teachers, their friends, and so on. I am listed as "Mom" in both their phones. They have given me Mother's Day cards and gifts. But to my face, I know that is never what I will be called. SS calls his BM by her first name, and has been doing this for several years. SD refers to her as "My Real Mom," but there have been times she referred to her by first name as well. I never expect them to call me "Mom," even when they are grown adults. It gives me a little pang in my heart. No matter what, they were never in my womb for 9 months. I did not birth them. I did not create them. But I believe they are my children. I have had total strangers tell me that they look "just like me," especially my SS. I refer to them as my son and daughter. Although I am not listed in the legal documentation, I was there at both court dates over custody. I am listed in the paperwork when we met with the lawyer. I have wanted to adopt them, but it is just so expensive and we don't have the money for it.

I know my name will never be "Mom." That might be one of the strangest parts of being a step-mother.

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Comments

Sweetie,

I suggest you look into counseling. Your BM is a piece of work, that is for sure, but you are giving the woman far too much space in your head. Best of luck to you.

Thank you. I have considered

Thank you. I have considered it. I know I shouldn't let her take up so much room in my head, but my anxiety gets the best of me.

I'm Going To Second Counseling

I agree with "simifan." You need someone to help you process this. Trust me. I know. I let 12 years of StepHell get the best of me and it took me right at 3 years to heal, to rid myself of bitterness and anger at a situation I could do NOTHING about. Please look into a good therapist who can help you make sense of your feelings, help you process them and help you move on into a happy life, regardless of the step crap. It's a hard job but I'm so grateful for strong advice in my life (from SMs) and my wonderful therapist. Best to you.

For what it's worth....the majority of us SMs here have never heard the word "mom" to our faces either. You are not alone.

Thank you for making me feel

Thank you for making me feel less alone. It eats me up inside. I have been calling around trying to find an appropriate therapist. I just feel hesitant about speaking to a complete stranger.

At least you know where you

At least you know where you stand. My SS called me Mom for years. Claimed he thought of me as his mother. Pretty words he said. But he didn't treat me like a mother. He was never openly rude or abusive. He knew better. He treated me more or less like a polite stranger, like I was just some woman his dad married and he didn't know me. I raised the lying little ingrate. BM had nothing to do with it either as he'd pretty much cut her out too and she had died when I cut ties with him and his wife.

I am so sorry for that. I

I am so sorry for that. I guess it might have been worse if they had called me "Mom" for bad intentions, that is true. The fact that they do not refer to BM as "Mom," only by her first name or "Real Mom" gives me the slightest bit of comfort in all this.

My SS started calling BM by

My SS started calling BM by her first name when he quit talking to her. We had a pretty good relationship until he married SDIL. About two years after they married I sensed a shift. Two years ago I cut off contact. He really started the treating me like a stranger around the time SDIL got pregnant, which was three years ago. So I gave them the distance I thought they wanted and then some. I know some step relationships can be great and all but in my case, it was good then went to nonexistent.

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