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College Blow Up

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 12:56pm

Well, that call didn't go well.  The good thing is I didn't hear anything until the end as I was doing my yoga routine and was all relaxed, so that was excellent timing.

Here's the outline of what DH told me.

  • OSD called him as planned on Sunday morning. Said it went ok, standard hellos were made, inocuous talk.  Then DH asked her "Why are you using your mom's phone? Did you get a new phone or number?"  OSD, ".....uhhhhhnnnnn I don't know....."
  • BM then immediately got on the phone (I warned DH that she'd be listening and plan on her derailing it!) and told him that it didn't matter. DH asked again about a new phone or number why use BMs phone if not. Again, no answer from BM but for mentioning that OSD doesn't do anything but email (according to BM she doesn't text or call....yeaaaaah riiiiiiight). And OSD can email him.  (in spite of the fact that OSD has not in over two years answered emails - or texts or calls - from DH).
  • He dropped it and moved on to trying to discuss college which was the point of the call. Asking about her choices of schools and why is she asking him for his support at the last hour, when she's barely had any contact with him for four years. That he found it hurtful and felt used. NOTE:  Her application for this one school is due in less than two weeks!  She's applied I believe for only expensive, east coast, out of state private schools (the list is absurd) and of course DH has had no input on this.
  • At this point OSD went off the rails and started yelling at him (this is what I started to hear from upstairs) that he was "weaponizing" this and to sum it up, that DH was putting a stop to her college dreams.
  • During this BM was also interjecting with the same information, backing up OSD, and telling DH that he was a poor father and was doing nothing to support OSD and how dare he and "OSD has offered to email you...." blah, blah blah - because BM = good and DH = bad.
  • DH said he just couldn't get in a word at all during OSD and BM's ranting at him, then they hung up on him. I think DH did yell at one point but couldn't hear it.  He said he was trying to keep calm.

DH and I had a good talk afterwords so he could discuss it. I mostly listened. He's going to contact the school today and ask what they need from him as the NCP and only give info to the school directly - I couldn't tell but I think BM still wanted him to send the info directly to her. He is not going to inform BM or OSD that he is doing or when it's done. He's not going to offer a dime of support. I advised him to move everything to email only, no more texting and no more calls. Either BM had a recording device on her phone or OSD does indeed have a new number he's not aware of; both unacceptable. I don't know if he'll do that but I hope so. He also is going to contact the PAS counsellor and I'll follow up to make sure he does. He knows now that he doesn't need the counselor to help reconcile with OSD but to be able to help himself deal with the situation and mabye help with YSD in the future.

 

Comments

Findthemiddle's picture

Submitted by Findthemiddle on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 1:32pm

That's awful.  So sorry to hear this. They are so mean.

strugglingSM's picture

Submitted by strugglingSM on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 1:55pm

Ugh! Your OSD is in for a rough life if she thinks this type of behavior is okay. There are plenty of kids who pay their own way through school and plenty of kids who are told they can only consider in-state, public schools. Some are even told that they need to start with community college. All end up fine. College is expensive and unfortunately, is not a right, but a privilege. Would be nice if everyone's parents paid for everything, but most parents don't have an extra $200-$300K lying around unincumbered. My MIL took out loans to pay for DH's brother's law school...so now, is paying loans in her retirement, while BIL is not. She also took out loans to pay for SIL's random master's degree. Not smart and I'm not sure why adult children can't pay loans. I feel bad for your OSD's future husband...if she ever finds one. I also feel bad for your DH, but good that he's seeing a counselor to help him, not to reconcile with someone who is not worth his time. 

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 2:15pm

Oh yes, exactly.  We talked about this too. My niece is starting with community college and then will consider a 4-year in state, because of expenses AND she's not a spoiled brat.

OSD is going to find life hard and I hope it kicks her in the rear end and quickly.

MissK03's picture

Submitted by MissK03 on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 6:51pm

This women who is like a mom took out loans for her daughters college. She will be 65 in January and is planning on retiring. Her daughter is 45 so been out of college 23 years and she is STILL paying these loans to this day.

Her husband died when he/they were 49. 

You never know what's going to happen in life and these loans haunt people for their entire lives. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 2:16pm

I'm sorry. Who does she think she is, treating him like crap and then expecting him to fund an expensive college. I hope he sticks to his guns and refuses to pay. Also, he should refuse to speak to BM about OSD at all anymore. 

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 2:19pm

That's the incredible part. If they had just kept their mouths shut, listened to him, said "uh-huh" and let him know what they wanted there would likely be no problem. But they couldn't tolerate him having an opinion and just lost it. This isn't the way to get someone on your side.  My mouth dropped open as he was explaining what happened - gobsmacked.

Kaylee's picture

Submitted by Kaylee on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 2:43pm

Yeah, even if they were nice to your H, and had a cordial relationship, he is not obliged to pay for her college education.

Here in NZ, most kids take out student loans and also work part time to fund their way through university.

What is it with this sense of entitlement some  kids have?

I don't get it!!

strugglingSM's picture

Submitted by strugglingSM on Tue, 10/05/2021 - 12:02am

Unfortunately, some states in the United States have laws that allow children to force non-custodial parents to pay. There are various provisions and typically the NCP can't be required to pay whatever the kid wants, but it can cause headaches for NCPs in conflict situations. 

halo1998's picture

Submitted by halo1998 on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 3:00pm

They treat their parent like shit...but hey please continue to pay for me.  Even though they are adults.   

I have no issues with paying for a kids education..I believe in education.  But that is a two way relationship....they have to be present in my life.  You don't want your parent..ok...cool...then don't expect anything from them.  Your parents don't owe you anything after you reach adulthood...anything they do for you is a bonus.  Unconditional love doesn't mean..unconditional monetary support.  

strugglingSM's picture

Submitted by strugglingSM on Tue, 10/05/2021 - 12:05am

Amen to all of this...a parent's job is to keep you alive until you become an adult and ideally, help you to become a functional member of society who people want to be around, not to fund every whim you have. I also agree, if a Skid forfeits the relationship with a parent, then they can't be coming back with their hand out for some "contribution" like the alienated parent is some sort of piggy bank. But, alienated kids typically love drama and conflict just as much as the parents who alienate, so of course, the NCP will be used to take out emotional aggressions until the end of time. 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 3:23pm

She is mad that we cleaned out "her" room 4 years ago, after she had ghosted us for 7 months and wouldnt even tell her father where she was living, and shes also mad that her father didnt give her a car, when she STILL doesnt have a drivers license.

Too bad for them. NOT smart. She doesnt deserve to go to college.

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 4:48pm

A year after she left this house we re-did ALL the downstairs rooms. OSD was mad we re-did 'her room.'

uh-huh.

SteppedOut's picture

Submitted by SteppedOut on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 3:33pm

IMHO the college needs nothing from him. FAFSA will be based on BM income since she lives with her...so she will do the "parent" portion of the FAFSA application. 

They (SD and BM) thought they may guilt him into offering money....that is all that call was. 

 

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 4:47pm

I found this online

The Federal government does not consider the income and assets of the non-custodial parent in determining a student's financial need...

Many private colleges do consider the non-custodial parent as a potential source of support, and require a supplemental financial aid form from the non-custodial parent. This affects the awarding of the school’s own aid, but not Federal and state aid.

So if SD is applying for private colleges, they may ask for info from the non custodial dad. But, this info goes to the college on their form, not BM. It is not part of the FAFSA.

I wonder if BM realizes that any child support and/or alimony received from the non-custodial parent must be included on the FAFSA as the Federal government does consider child support received by the custodial parent when determining financial need.

SteppedOut's picture

Submitted by SteppedOut on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 6:17pm

My son (attending college now) never had to provide this information. Would have been next to impossible as he has no communication with his bio - hasn't in many many years...and likely he wouldn't have given him any because then child support enforcement could use the info (our son is 25 and he still has nearly 30k in arrears).

Thumper's picture

Submitted by Thumper on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 4:06pm

Does bm hover at poverty level?

OR claim to be poverty level? You know down right LIE about it?

 

SeeYouNever's picture

Submitted by SeeYouNever on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 4:30pm

I don't know how these entitled kids think treating their parent like crap is an effective guilt trip to get what they want. 

Oh wait, if this is what they saw work for BM when she wanted something, and guilty daddy usually let her have it, then of course they'll try the same thing. 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 4:33pm

Because it works, and kids are sponges that absorb everything and their training from a toxic parent comes out.

MissK03's picture

Submitted by MissK03 on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 6:56pm

100%

advice.only2's picture

Submitted by advice.only2 on Mon, 10/04/2021 - 5:07pm

Spawn fully expected when she walked away from us that the cash flow, a new car, a job were all things DH would still supply her with.  To this day she still whines to anybody who listens to her anymore that daddy owes her!!!