Managing the transition from kids to adults for step-kids

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Hi everyone,

We are not quite there as yet, but I'm looking for some advice on how people have managed custody, house keys etc when skids get their driver's license and become adults.

My skids are SS15 and SD16 and we currently have equal custody with BM. SD will get her license at 17 (early next year). We don't allow the kids house keys at present, nor do we leave a key out. I work from home primarily so it's never been necessary.

I know once SD16 gets her license we are going to have issues. To give you some context - both skids are utterly unorganised and never bring what they need between houses. We tried so many times to get BM to make the skids responsible and stop running around after them but it's a lost cause. This is a woman who does SD's homework for her and plans to do that right through university too (not that I think SD will get the grades to go to uni). Anyway, at present BM picks up or drops off whatever the kids need via hers or our letterbox (we live quite close). But once SD can drive she will want to pop over all the time (when it suits her) to pick up stuff - she's the type of kid (ADD) who is massively impatient and wants what she wants immediately. So she's going to be pushing for a key then I think.

The skids also always complain that there is no food at BM's house, where as our house is always well stocked with good food so the lure of being able to drive herself over and steal our food will also be very tempting for SD.

SS is a good kid (and likely to live with us full-time when he's a bit older) so I'm not worried aobut him. However, SD has no respect for people's privacy or possessions, whatever she wants she just takes no matter who it belongs to. She will also use any means available to her to get what she wants and never, ever thinks (or cares) about the consequences of her actions. Bottom line, we have no trust in her whatsover.

As a result of that lack of trust, we have no intention of giving her a key at any point but I imagine the push for it will become greater and greater as she gets older.

I'm also worried that as soon as SD finishes high school (end of next year) she will want to just hop back and forth between houses as she pleases (based on wherever she can get the best deal on any given day) and I'm so not ok with that. I don't think adults (ie 18+) should be doing joint custody. My view is they need to pick a house and live there, however obviously maintain regular contact with the other household. That being said, I'm banking on her wanting to live with BM and would be devasted if she wanted to live with us but I don't think that's likely. As I said, I think she will push very hard for an open arrangement and BM will support that as even she doesn't want SD with her full-time given how hard work she is.

What is everyone else's view and experiences in managing the transition of children to adult skids?

I removed now AdultSkid's

I removed now AdultSkid's housekey a long time ago. I was worried it would end up in BM's hands and AdultSkid would tantrum when the internet would be disconnected and deliberately stomp to the door sbd slam it on his way out. He would wake up the younger kids in the house. Without a key he couldn't tantrum because the door is always locked.

My goal was to get AdultSkid to move out at 18. I think my husband was ready too. AdultSkid is really awful to have in the home. I can't believe how much better things are getting. I feel peace for the first time in many years. I read your earlier posts. We're you ever able to have a child with your husband? I have stuck out stephell because of my kids with my husband. It was hard but ultimately worth it.

Hi I'mFreeAtLast. Just before

Hi I'mFreeAtLast. Just before I turned 40, I made the call to do one last round of IVF and resolved to accept whatever happened as I just couldn't maintain the whole trying stuff any longer - it's not living, just surviving. We got one good embroyo and now have a three year old son who is honestly just delightful and DH and I are madly in love with him. The skids both love him and are great with him, although I would never leave SD alone with him as she's so irresponsible but at least they both dote on him.

My journey has also been very hard but worthwhile. I love DH and couldn't imagine life without him, and although I don't like my SD that much, we maintain a decent relationship and do have a very successful blended family.

DH and I are both hoping that SD lives with BM from 18 onwards but SD doesn't like making decisions or commitments so will want the best of both worlds. BM will support her in this as she always backs SD. So I'm not looking forward to the battle of trying to set boundaries but at least DH and I are always unified on this.

It might not be such an issue in the end as I know SD prefers BM as BM tells her what she wants to hear and enables SD's delusions, lies and poor behaviour and we tell SD what we think she needs to hear (ie the truth). But even if she lives with BM, she's still going to want access to our house whenever she wants so boundaries are going to have to be put in place.

God I can't tell you how much I'm hanging for SD to turn 18 as I'm so desperately hoping she moves in with BM. I know SD and I will get along so much better when we don't have to live together and I've been very up-front with SD about that. We are just too different to be living together.

I'm so glad to hear how much better things are now for you and your DH!!!

Wonderful! I'm so glad you

Wonderful! I'm so glad you were able to have a bio. Makes stephell more tolerable. As long as your DH is on the same page and isn't a guilty Disney dad I think it will turn out OK. Good luck.

DH is definitely not a disney

DH is definitely not a disney Dad so I'm sure we can navigate what's to come together.

Based on your description of

Based on your description of SD, why give her a key just based on her age or ability to drive. I would not give her a key. That way she has to call and coordinate in order to come pick up her squirrel of the moment.

Mommy is responsible for feeding the Skids on her time. I would not feed them at all on BM's time. PERIOD! DOT!

I think that I would also end any running over to pick stuff up. They pack responsibly or they do without until they make the next visit transition. This is a hill I would die on even if the opposition parent lived next door. Week On/Week Off.... do without until next week. It does not take long for a kid to learn responsibility when they are held accountable for their choices.

My thought is that SD needs to launch and not rotate between mom's home and dad's home. If uni is not likely she should have to enlist in the armed forces, join the peace corps, etc.... But this kid sounds like one who should not have a home to hang out at indefinitely once she turns 18 and graduates from high school.

My Skid would have made sofa rodeo rider a life long career if we had not built and lit the burning platform to get him to launch into his adult life. Keeping our couch wrestled into submission would have been just fine with him if it would have been fine with us.

Nope, he had a choice, be our unpaid live in full time chore bitch/beck-&-call by or launch. The burning platform was that he had a very long day of chores each and every day that he had to complete or he was on the curb when his mom and I left for work the next AM. He could enter the home when we arrived home but to stay he had to do the chores he missed yesterday, and the chores on his list for today... or.... back to the curb. No food, no water, no key, no internet, just sitting on the curb until one or the other of us got home from work. Any more than missing one day of chores and he would have been irrecoverably in a hole on his chores. He only tested our resolve on this twice in 4mos. One day was pretty hot and he did not figure out that the coiled up green thing attached to the outdoor faucet would provide water and he was mad as he could be at us for his "nearly dying" from thirst for a day. The next time it was starting to get chilly and he spent the day wrapped in the duvet from his bed which we generously allowed him to wrap himself in as we pulled the door closed on our way to work.

Other than those two incidents, that kid busted his ass for the entire 8mos he was our at will unpaid house servant.

After 4mos of beck-&-call boy indentured servitude he enlisted in the USAF on the delayed entry program 8mos after that we dropped him off at MEPS to ship off to basic training.

His burning platform was menial drudge work rather than all day every day computer gaming and at will feasting.

Find the pain point that will motivate SD to launch and keep stoking the coals on the burning platform.

My SKid launched and never looked back. He has been in the USAF for 10 years, just re-enlisted for more, is eligible for promotion to E-7 this year, and just extended for a 4th year in Germany.

It took some effort on our part to get him to launch. Once he jumped from the burning platform he has soared. His mom and I are extremely proud of him.

As for the differences in how your SD and SS are engaged regarding living in your home. Kids are different, they need different things including boundaries. SD may need to launch for her own good while SS progresses well on his own volition and can handle the responsibility of unfettered access to your home.

Quality parents understand this and make it happen.

Good luck on launching SD.

We will have rules that

We will have rules that encourage launching ie after high school they either earn or learn - there will be no sitting at home doing nothing. Further financial support from us will only continue to be provided if they go onto further study post high school and even then they will be expected to have a casual job to cover some of their own costs (especially things like enternainment etc). I also have no intention of doing washing or anything else for them once they finish high school either.

As for the running around after the kids because they forget stuff, it's not us who does it - it's BM. We have pleaded with BM more times than I can count to make the kids responsible and for her to stop running around after the kids but she refuses so there is nothing we can do there.

All I can hope is that SD lives with BM when high school finishes and BM can reap the consequences of her poor parenting.

I think we will insist on the kids choosing a house to live at when school finishes, I'm just nervous as I know SD will resist and she will have BM on her side but we will just have to hold our ground like we always do.

I see no reason for you to

I see no reason for you to give your SD a key, at any age....16, 18, 21 whatever.

It's your home and you have the absolute right to decide who comes, when and how they arrive etc.

I'm glad your H seems to be backing you on this. You're one of the lucky few....