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Needing inspiration to help temper my irritation and make it through to the end

Loxy's picture

Anyone who has read my posts will know that I've always struggled to like my SD16. I've raised her (50/50 custody) since she was 2 so it's been a very long and hard 14 years. I've never been able to bond with her because I simply don't like her and never will. 

My issue is that I'm in a bad space again, and although there is a light at the end of the tunnel (ie SD finishes high school end of next year and hopefully go to live full-time with BM), I just don't know if I have enough energy left in the tank to make it.  

I also fear that she might ask to live with us full-time (which I don't think is likely) or want to continue some form of shared custody (which I do think is very likely) but I've resolved that one in the last 24 hours (although still need to discuss it with DH). I've decided I'm going to put my foot down and insist she live with BM from the end of next year onwards. I don't mind if she comes over once a week for dinner and stays over here and there but it must be pre-approved. I don't want her just dropping in whenever she feels like it. 

I'm at the point where I honestly don't want to interact with SD16 at all. She adds nothing positive to my life, instead it's all irritation, frurations, anger and hard work. I constantly have to bite my tongue and choose my battles with her and even when I do raise stuff it's a waste of time. She will never care about the impact of her actions on others and she won't change. 

So I guess I'm seeking advice on two things:

How do I manage the constant feelings of irritation and anger in the meantime given I still have 18 months or so of shared custody left. 

How to raise SD moving in with BM next year with DH? For the record, DH and I have good communication and he's well aware of my feelings about SD. He sees SD for who she is (and is very dissapointed at how she's turned out). He never defends her behaviour, although does have a lot more empathy for SD than I do, but he understands the impacts of her behaviour on me and others. That being said, I know he feels so sad about how she has turned out and also how I feel about SD. I also know he worries about how rejected SD will feel so there is going to be some reluctance to force her to live with BM (even though I know that would be his preference too). SD already believes we favour SS over her (which is true) and says she doesn't feel loved at our house so any push to get her to live with BM is going to be seen as a bigger rejection of her and likely to cause issues with her and BM. So any advice on how to gently broach this with DH is welcome. 

Lifer33's picture

I haven't a 16 Yr old myself, but I've just spent a week with my best friend and her horror bag daughter. You name it, she's done it. Now best friend as a bm, has a zero tolerance approach.

For example if the girl doesn't get her own way she will pull all the 'you don't love /want me, you favour my brother. Bm says' it's because I love that I won't let you do this /that. I am favouring your brother because he's a good boy and you are doing horrible things. Try being a nice human being and ill like you again kiddo.'

So you and dh would not be rejecting the child, her attitude and behaviour are such that until she turns it around she doesn't deserve a place under your roof. And she doesn't deserve to be worshipped or adored, good behaviour equals being liked. You aren't punching bags.

Equally I wouldn't feel guilty at all that it's coming from you the stepmum, as I've said even birth mums only tolerate so much, my friends kicked her daughter out, I got kicked out by mum at 17. It's not fair of dh to except you to tolerate her even as a visitor if she's horrible to you. 

For now she has somewhere to go, bms. If she burns that bridge well I'd say tough but of course that's for you all to recap then. 

Loxy's picture

SD16 behaviour is not targeted at me and it's not overtly horrible ie she doesn't give attitude, is polite and we have no major discipline issues ie no drinking, drugs, running off with boys etc. 

The situation is much more subtle ie it's more about the person she is and lots and lots of small and disrespectful things that she does. She doesn't view her behaviour as disrespectful and probably won't really understand there is a problem until she moves out of home and starts having connflict with flat mates because she is helping herself to their stuff and other issues. 

tog redux's picture

Don't say that she has to go live with BM -say that after high school, she can't live there anymore, and let her sort out the rest. Since your DH is a realist about her, he can let her know that she can't live there because of her own behavior and no other reason than that. 
 

My DH is also realistic about his son and he has no problem pointing out to SS21 when he's playing the victim. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I am sorry that I don't have advice on this. As a mother, I would be pissed if someone said at 18 my kids can't stay over- however DH and I have stipulations for after graduation for our kids to live under our roof- things like working, going to some sort of training or school, waiting for their time to go to boot camp (DD14 insists she is joining the AF). They have to pay rent. They will still have chores. 

Maybe if you do something like that she will see BM's as the easy place vs. you guys being the ones to set her up for adult life and have full expectations? 

Loxy's picture

We aren't saying SD can't stay over (here and there with pre-approval) but shared custody when they are an adult seems ridiculous to me. And what we won't accept is the kids being able to come and go between houses as they please (when adults). SD16 will abuse this if we allow it and swap houses on any given day based on wherever she gets the best deal (ie food etc) and given BM's house is never fully stocked with food she's going to be raiding our fridge and pantry on a daily basis. 

She's also been upfront she would have a party if any of us went away for the weekend so there is just no trust there to give her a key. 

We will also have rules ie if they aren't going onto full-time study after high school then then have to work and pay board, contribute etc. They will have to do their own washing, make their beds etc so we won't be making it easy for her - especially considering how lazy SD is. However, I doubt her BM would do her washing and stuff either as she's not particuarly domestic or hygienic. 

I don't think SD will want to live with us but I do think she will want to come over whenever she feels like it and that's going to be the issue we have to put firm boundaries in place. 

hereiam's picture

Has your DH ever had the conversation with your SD about WHY SS is favored over her, why she feels alienated? That it's because of her own behavior and actions?

In an older post, you mentioned undiagnosed issues. Has she been officially diagnosed with anything, since that post? Gotten any help for her issues?

Your DH may be disappointed in how she has turned out (up to this point) but is he doing anything about it? She's only 16, plenty of time to grow up to be a better person, but she may need some help and that is HIS job.

Yes, she's probably going to feel rejected when asked to move out, but the biggest rejection comes from parents who just let their kid flounder, especially if there are mental issues and the parents do nothing.

Loxy's picture

I have but DH hasn't really, he would only lie to SD anyway as he doesn't want her to feel unloved or rejected (which I do understand). I've told SD very clearly that she and I are too different to live together without compromise, and as she flat out refuses to compromise, then we are always going to have conflict. 

As for doing something about it, we have honestly tried (very, very hard) but haven't been able to influence her nature. She has never responded to any form of discipline (and we have tried them all) or praise (ie praising the good behaviour) either. 

BM also undermines everything we try to do and we have polar opposite approaches to parenting. SD is a clone of BM so BM does not recognise a lot of the behaviours as a problem and in fact enables a lot of SD's problem behaviours. As custody is 50/50, this has had a big influence and unforunately has is not something we been able to counter. 

We have also needed BM's agreement to pursue anything medical and this has been the most demoralising and exhausting process. We knew from the time SD was very young (2-3) that she likely had ADD and possibly other things going on. 

Every time we raised this with BM she denied there was any issue and refused to agree to take SD to see someone. Eventually, after SD behaviour and grades at primary school continued to worsen, and she was struggling with a phobia and obsessive behaviour, she agreed for SD to see a psychologist. This pyschologist was fantastic and after seeing SD for a while said she has traits of ADD, Anxiety, OCD and Aspergers but was complex and would need a thorough assessment. BM refused and claimed there was no issue. After that, she withdrew her support for SD seeing anyway so there was nothing we could do about it. 

Finally in high school, after SD's behaviour and grades continue to be a major issue and SD is suffering a lot of anxiety we take her to see a psychiatrist. She gets diagnoased with ADD first. The plan is to get her stable on medication and then continue ongoing therapy to identify any other issues. BM undermined this from the beginning, she was so anxious about medication and the whole process that SD aborbed this anxiety and refused to continue taking it. SD also didn't want to see the srink anymore, and as BM doesn't agree with us that SD shows signs of Aspergers and other things, she once again withdrew her support for ongoing therapy. 

BM is now pushing SD to take medication for the ADD as her grades are lousy but SD refuses - it's too little to late unfortuntely, the die has been set.

So with BM working against us and SD not on board, I'm not sure what else we can do to try and help her mental health. We are now of the mindset that SD will have to live with the consequences of her decisions, as will BM but BM will never accept any blame. 

 

ESMOD's picture

I think that the best way to approach this is to discuss with your DH what he sees his daughter doing with her life after HS.  Is she planning on going to college?  A trade school?  Join the military? buy a camper van and travel the country?  At 16, her parents and her should have some eye to "what comes next" for her after she graduates and turns 18.  There should be some sort of career/education plan in place... and involved in that would be determining where she will live at that point.

Now, you do need to ensure the CO doesn't stipulate some plan until she is 21.. but I'm assuming since you are here asking that.. that the plan onlly goes through her HS/18 Bday (whichever is later).

So, have they discussed college plans for her?  will it be a traditional 4 year "away" school experience?  or is she going to try a local Community college and live at home?  If it's the latter, I would prepare for her parents to think that they may want to continue the 50/50.  Even with his disappointment in her at times.. she is still his daughter and I imagine he would still hope for time with her... and at the very least wouldn't feel right pushing her out.  

Or, is she planning on getting a job of some sort.. learn a trade? waitress?  If so... what tiimeline do her parents expect her to become self sufficient enough to live independently?  If they are interested in promoting that independence.. are they willing to give her a soft push by perhaps helping her establish her own place?  help with deposits or even a bit of a subsidy for rent to make sure she is in a safe area?  are you ok if that is what he wants to do.. financially help her if it means she isn't living at your home?

Or, do they want to discuss something like joining the military where she would possibly grow up and become eligible for some college money?

Does she even want to stay in the area?  would she be inclined to want to head of to California to make her fortune? (unlikely.. but has anyone asked her???).

THIS is the best discussion to have.  You aren't having a discussion about not wanting her in your home.. but more of one of "have you all thought about her future".  You can say that while it might seem early.. that some of those possibilities mean she has to be doing different things NOW to make them possible.. like going to college.. preparing for admissions taking proper courses etc.. 

Now, in the course of the discussion you can say that one of the reasons this is important is that her parents need a PLAN for what is going to happen when she is of age and graduated from HS.  That as far as your preference would go that living in your home 50/50 or full time aren't options you want considered for a variety of reasons.. but including some of her behaviors and attitudes towards you.. that you are fine with the current situation while she is a minor, but that the expectation needs to be set in his mind what you want too.  But... again.. this is somewhat of a sidebar to the above discussion.. it is part of it.. but not the main focus.

Also part of the focus is preparing the girl for what expectations will be after she graduates.. if she doesn't go away to school.. what WILL she do?

Also part of this is what financial obligations do her parents feel willing to support.. taking out college loans?  splitting costs?  etc....

 

Loxy's picture

We don't have any court orders in place - it's not standard practice here in Australia as it seems to be in the US. We used mediation once to navigate an agreement on custody but otherwise we muddle alone on our own. It mostly works, however we do disagree on parenting approaches a lot but that's ok - BM does it her way and we do it our way. 

We are all keen for the skids to go to university, however it's unlikely SD will get the grades to do that. She also has no idea what she wants to do so we would rather she wait until she is more mature and knows what she wants to do before doing any further study but BM is pushing uni straight after high school no matter what so we will see what happens. I think the likely scenario is that SD won't get into uni and so will work after high school for a few years at least until she figures out what she wants to do. 

We live in Australia so the whole focus on what unversity you go to is very different to the US. I'm not saying some universities are not viewed more favourably than others but it's really not something that people care much about ie there is no equivalent to going to Harvard, Yale etc in Australia where you are set for life. 

But there are of course universities that specialise in certain degrees and if there was something that the skids wanted really to study, and had an apptitude for it, that required them to live and study in another state, that would be fine and we would be happy to contribute. But that's not going to be the case with SD. She has no interest in anything academic and her grades demonstrate that fact. 

We also have a government system called HECS which is a government loan to pay for their degree so that's what the skids will do if they go to uni. We will consider paying off some of it after completion if they put in a good effort and did well. Once again, not something very likely with SD given she puts in the bare minimum effort at all times. 

As for talking to SD about the future and anything responsible/organised it's a waste of time. SD is a live in the moment girl and does zero planning for the future and isn't interested in any sort of advice or help. She's also delusional about her prospects in life so she's definitely going to have to learn life's lessons the hard way and figure it out for herself. 

We very much want SD to be independent but BM coddles her and enables her irrresponsible and lazy behaviour so I can't see it happening any time soon. To give you an example, BM still does SD's homework for her. It's another reason why I want SD to live with BM - so BM can reap what she sows when it comes to her parenting.

As for financial obligations, we have agreed with BM that contributions to their expenses (like running a car etc) will only continue post high school if they go onto further full-time study. If they aren't learning then they need to be earning and funding their own life. Even if they are studying full-time, they need to have a casual job to fund their entertainment costs.  

Winterglow's picture

Make sure she knows this is no longer her home by changing the locks and not give you her a key. A code lock would be a good idea so you can change it just before leaving to make sure she can't throw a party while you're gone. 

Winterglow's picture

Also, if you go away for a few days, tell a neighbor or two that if they see a party going on to call the police immediately. If she doesn't have the code or a key then it would be breaking and entering. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

My suggestion would be to make living with BM SDs decision. As SD nears graduation you and DH sit SD down and have a conversation about how now that she is an adult there will be certain expectations she must adhere to in order to reside in your home in the event she does not attend University. 

Rules such as she must work full time, contribute to household expenses by either paying rent, or a portion of groceries and utilities. If DH pays her phone bill or car insurance that will become her responsibility. There will still be rules such as curfew and not having guest's at the house without permission as you have to work and do not want to be disturbed when you are trying to sleep. 

If she decides to live with BM have her take her belongings with her and turn her room into a guest room so she doesn't feel comfortable just coming to stay whenever she wants. She will actually have to bring an overnight bag with her. 

Dogmom1321's picture

I was going to say the exact same! Get on the same page with DH on what you both think the stipulations should be. Holding a job and contributing towards bills, going to college, etc. It's more likely that SD will want to go live with BM if she can't "get her way" at Dad's house. Free wi-fi, unlimited groceries, no rent, etc. When she is an adult, IMHO she should have to "work" for it just like if she were living on her own. 

And yes on the room thing! If she does move, make sure to convert the room. Otherwise, I think it will just turn into "a place to crash" or veg out in. 

Rags's picture

There is evolutionary change, but being a parent, or a SParent is an eternal choice.  Or for SPs,  until the SParent says enough is enough and ends the relationship with the prior failed family breeder they married.

 

Loxy's picture

As an update, I spoke to DH about it and was a little surpised to find out that we wanted to continue some form of shared custody post the completion of high school for SD. However, he did waver on that when I told him that would require us to give SD a house key - something both of us are in agreement we don't want to do given we know how SD will abuse that trust/privledge. 

Bottom line, I think I'll be pursueing the approach of making it SD's idea to live with BM. I've already started making sure she knows how much things will change at the end of high school as far as having to do all her own chores etc. I'll ramp that up next year with talks about board, contibuting to bills etc. Hopefully she decides to live with BM on her own and that avoids any difficult conversations with her and also between DH and me. 

However, if she does push for ongoing shared custody post high school then there will be difficult discussions between DH and me as he will want to agree and I won't. However, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. 

missgingersnap2021's picture

My situation is very similar to yours only I just have the one SD17. She is a senior and will graduating next May and turning 18 in September. Once she does I want the 10 days a month visitation (8 of them sleepovers) to stop but can't figure out how to talk to DH about it. He knows I don't want her living here full time after she turns 18 but that's not enough for me. He probably hasn't even given it any thought how to wean her off staying here, will probably love it if she still wants to keep the visitation the way it is and will get super defensive if and when I bring this topic up. I just don't know what or how to say something to DH to get it across to him that after she graduates she needs to be living just with BM and coming over here for visits (with advance knowledge). 
 

my fear is that she will want to stay here those days because all of her friends will be going away to college so she will be stuck here in our small town and be bored with being with her mother all the time. I'm afraid making rules ( cleaning, working, etc) won't deterr her from wanting to spend EOW with "daddy".

Loxy's picture

I would approach it from the perspective of helping SD to be responsible and launch ie adults don't hop between houses so why should SD be able to come and go as she pleases? I also think shared custody of young adults (especially if they are not continuing on with further education after high school) is just weird but then again I'm looking at it from the perspective of a step-parent and one who wants to see the back of SD as soon as possible. 

What do you think your SD will want to do? Are your fears based on what you think she might do or just what you worry might happen?

The one area I think we differ is our DH's. Mine doesn't get defensive, he fully ackonwledges how difficult SD is and he also understands how much easier life would be without SD living with us. I think he likes the idea of SD continuing some form of shared custody post high school far more than he would like the reality as he gets just as frustrated with her as I do about the way she behaves.

It's a tough situation but fingers crossed you and I both get the outcome we want Smile

Rags's picture

Are you in NY?  To my knowledge, with the exception of special needs adult children, there is no custody after age 18 or HS graduation whichever is the later..  Some States keep CS active until age 21.  NY being one of them. If I am not mistaken.

hereiam's picture

I've already started making sure she knows how much things will change at the end of high school as far as having to do all her own chores etc. I'll ramp that up next year with talks about board, contibuting to bills etc. Hopefully she decides to live with BM on her own and that avoids any difficult conversations with her and also between DH and me. 

Total cop out but, okay. I guess I might do the same thing, if I were you, but her dad should handle it differently, conflict or not. She really should be aware of why she is not welcome there. She will not learn and grow if nobody is honest with her.

 

Loxy's picture

I have been nothing but honest with SD all the way along but I think telling her she's not welcome here is a bit harsh. She already feels like we don't love or value her here and prefer SS15 so it does have to be handled with some delicacy. The goal is not to make her feel rejected but to get her to understand what will be the best outcome for all involved. And if she chooses to live with BM of her own free will then why would I seek out more difficult conversations (that will go no where) for no reason?

As for helping her grow, I gave up on that a while back. You need to understand that SD does not listen and cannot absorb information (due to her untreated ADD) so she doesn't take in anything we say. She also doesn't care about how other people feel or how they are impacted by her behaviour (no empathy) hence she has no motivation to change.

Either way, SD is crystal clear on all the things she does that upset us.