Talk some sense into me please.
For having begged to live with her father and me for a whole year and after having thousands of conversations, SD(14) seems shell shocked and unsure now that we actually won temporary custody. I feel crushed.
She won't say what's wrong but I'm pretty sure it might be about her boyfriend. He would have gone to school with her this fall but now she will be going to school down by us instead. Boys are literally everything at 14, you know...
Her feelings are valid. It's fair to feel anxious and uncertain now that her dreams came true because it comes with a lot of changes... including not being able to see her boyfriend daily at school...
But this is just the temporary orders before actual court and if she changes her mind now that this is becoming a reality, she could pull the rug out from under our feet. Her mom might use her uncertainty against us. They could have the judge change his mind later in our actual court hearing. He seemed to rely heavily on what SD wanted.
Please remind me that I can't control this. We did the right thing by fighting for what SD wanted... even if she changes her mind. Remind me not to be salty or spiteful, even though my life over the past 10 years has been shaped around her, and the past year has been spent fighting for, crying for, and supporting her and my DH.
I was so excited to hear we won temporary custody but seeing SD so unsure has me crushed. I don't know what I need right now but some sense or advice would be welcome...
Even though SD wanted to live with her Dad,
Even though SD very much wanted to live with her Dad - now that it is really happening, I think it is ony natural for her to have some reservations. Given the "bell pepper" incident, it is clear that she knows there are going to be some issues living with her Dad, so I can see where she may be treading a bit carefully. Give it some time - it is going to be an adjustment for everyone.
This girl is very lucky to have you in her life. While she may not be showing her excitement, I bet underneath it all she is happy to be able to spend more time with you.
HAHA, ah yes. The bell pepper
HAHA, ah yes. The bell pepper incident. You know, things regarding food have been a lot better since then. But it is true, there are a lot of differences between our home and her mom's home. She was maintaining that she wanted to live with us right up to the moment we broke the news, so I have to continue to have hope that she just needs time.
Thank you for your advice. I'm an empathetic and soft person but deep down under my sadness at her reaction, I know you're right. I know she is thankful for me and looks up to me. I know she wants to live with her dad. And I know teenagers can have crazy mood swings.
It was nice to get such a heartfelt reply here. Thanks.
Suggestion
It sounds incredibly stressful, I feel for you. What would happen if you talked with SD and discussed her sadness in not being able to see her BF more often. It sounds like you have surmised what she is feeling but haven't discussed it. Hopefully, once she had expressed how she feels, you could talk about not jeopardizing long-term good for an infatuation.
I'm flashing back to my teen-age self deciding to marry my ex. No adult figure in my family really talking with me although I could tell they had reservations. Im not saying it would solve your problem, but it probably wouldnt hurt to let her express her feelings.
You're right. It would be
You're right. It would be good for her to express what she is feeling. Unfortunately I think her mom has done some damage to how SD process things. She shuts down a lot and is extremely uncomfortable discussing her own feelings. She always tries to be clowny and happy and doesn't like for us to see her sad.
Right after breaking the news DH tried to get SD to open up but she said she just needed time to figure out how she felt, and that's fair. He did make sure to include that if she was sad about her boyfriend that's OK, and that she would still be able to visit him, especially while she's with her mom on weekends. She said she understood, but needed time.
We will keep trying with her. We have a few more days before she goes back to her mom.
She may be balking at the changes... but she is fortunate.
She has a father and SM who recognize what is best for her and have the will and resources to fight for those important things.
We were fortunate while raising my SS-28. My DW always had a fear that he may decide that he wanted to live with the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. i repeatedly reminded her over the 16+ years that he did not have that choice as the original Judge awarded her full physical and legal custody when she was 16 and SS was a baby. I also reminded her that if the opposition tried to take custody or adversely manipulate SS into wanting to move to SpermLand... we had far more than enough resources to prevent that from happening to a level of near certainty.
When it did finally come up in conversation when we were on our road trip vacation back home following his final CO'd SpermLand visitation SS gave us a soulful look and the message that he knew why his mom had come to SpermLand to pick him up in person rather than him just flying home as usual. He said that he was not stupid and knows where his home is and who his true family is that has his back and loves him unconditionally. His mom and I held each other's had firmly in the front seat, coughed through our leaky eyeballs and had to take a hand holding break to blow our noses and dry our eyes.
She will figure it out. Stay the course, keep the message clear that she is the top responsibility for her dad and for you and that it will all work out.
Great job btw. To both you and dad.
Holy smokes you have me
Holy smokes you have me almost crying over here. I want that so much. I want that confirmation that SD knows she is happier and healthier with us. But I know that's something she should tell us on her own if she feels like it.
It's true. These kids aren't stupid. She has been maintaining for almost a year now that she is happier with us and wants to be with us. Hell, she was cracking jokes all day yesterday about how she couldn't wait to live with us and how she thought we were the better parents, all the way up until we broke the news. I have to remind myself that she's intelligent and won't throw this away for a boyfriend whom we would still let her visit. She knew what living with us would entail. No surprises. We've had multiple serious conversations. So I just have to trust she will be fine.
Thanks for your input. Your story gives me hope.