It's been awhile...
I became a member about 4 years ago. I was struggling in my relationship with my SS that's been in my life since he was 17 months old, and is now 14. I posted about a rough situation I had recently gone through, which was not my best moment, and was looking for some perspective, but got slammed hard by other members. I ended up deleting the post. I was really hurt because I thought this would be a safe place to vent, but walked away from here even more crushed. Our relationship has gotten a lot better, but I have many regrets that I can't take back, and I'm afraid I may have messed him up emotionally from my past jealousy. Don't know what kind of advice I'm really looking for, just wanted to vent again I guess.
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Sorry you got attacked - this
Sorry you got attacked - this can be a safe place, but also people will point out when you (or your spouse) might be part of the problem, which can feel like an attack. If you are looking for people to just agree and give you sympathy, this might not be the right place. Also - we have at times had trolls and posters who DO attack others.
Can you say more about why you are feeling like you are now about your SS?
Our relationship has gotten
Our relationship has gotten so much better, and I know it has a lot to do with me because I have come to realize that I was a big part of the problem. The situations kind of flooded my mind last night and got me upset at myself. The one incident that had made me post in the first place 4 Years ago was about when I was watching a movie in bed with my husband and BS and he wanted to come in and watch the movie with us. We have had him full time most of his life, and it hasn't been easy for me, especially since I had my first son. I said no, because I wanted to watch the movie with just my BS, but my husband just happened to be in the bed with us, not really watching just already there. I had gotten up for some reason and when I came back my SS was in the bed with them watching the movie. When I asked,, my husband said he said he could come and watch.. I got really upset because I didn't like the fact that he was in our bed, mainly in my spot. That's all I saw, I didn't notice the fact he was spending time with his dad, didn't noticed that he was trying to be affectionate with his dad when that barely happens because of his personality type. I was just really mad and uncomfortable that the fact he was in the bed watching the movie when I had already said no. Back then I was super uncomfortable at the thought of him in our bed because that's a personal area for me, but.... I am perfectly fine letting my Bkids in bed with me. Insecurity issues on my part, I know. Even though I've gotten better, it still bothers me a bit if he's in our room or on our bed for some reason. But I don't say anything now, because I'm passed all that. I've started excepting him as my own, when I didn't do that before and our relationship has grown exponentially. It's hard to put into one post all that has transpired in our relationship and why, and I could tell you all the reasons why I may have felt this way, but then it'd look like I was putting down my SS and I don't want to do that. There have been similar instances in the past, so that's why I said I was afraid I had messed him up emotionally.
I can't imagine anyone here
I can't imagine anyone here who wasn't a troll would criticize you for not wanting skids in your bed. You are not obligated to share your bed with your stepkids! You need a space with privacy and peace.
The only thing i would say about that is that if there are biokids and stepkids in the home, the simple and fair fix is to make the adult bedroom a space only for the two of you. I get that you may not mind your biokids in your bed but you don't want stepkids in it. That is normal.
I think I vaguely remember
I think I vaguely remember your post, or at least similar situations like yours. That's why boundaries in step families are so important - and why we don't always get to do the things we want to do in the moment to preserve our sanity in the long run.
I highly doubt you messed him up in the long run because you showed jealousy when he was a young child. No parent is perfect, and kids are going to see both the good and bad. When kids see the bad, they need to also witness the growth that comes from that so that they learn how to handle those situations in the future. It seems like you recognized where you overreacted and have spent significant time trying to show that one instance (or those several instances) were flukes and not the norm.
The only other thing I'd advise is to not let yourself become uncomfortable because you're afraid setting boundaries will scar your SS. Using the bed example, I'd have turned my room into a "no kids zone" after that instance. One-on-one time can be spent in a kid's bedroom or in a common area of the home. Sure, I'd give up having my child in my bed, but my DH had to do the same. I might be upset by that, but given that there are alternatives AND long-term I don't have to face a problem of one child feeling left out, it would have worked for me.
What I'm saying is, don't just give in. Find solutions that deliver the same or similar outcome that doesn't make you feel uncomfortable. Most of the time there is a compromise that works for everyone.
I don't know what happened
I don't know what happened before but like Tog said, people here will tell you when you did wrong, they don't blindly agree with you. Sometimes it is really hard to hear/read. We want validation but we were met with other ideas.
One thing I can say moving forward is life isn't meant to be spent in regret. We live, we learn, we do better. That is the biggest thing I have always tried to instill in my kids. This was a mistake, do better next time. Learn from it, but don't dwell on it.
Interesting
It seems like you can see now why it would be so problematic to let your own kids in the bed abs not SS. It would be painful to be in a family where everyone's cuddled up to watch a movie and you're the only one not invited. It's good you've grown.