16 YO step daughter needs help
Really looking for help for my 16-YO stepdaughter who is currently being "ghosted" by her group of friends. My wife is the type that can't stand to see her children sad or upset - to the point that she has gotten involved with talking to the parents of my SD's friends re: issues within the group.
My advice has been to recognize that "teen years can be rough" and "chalk up each friendship problem as a learning experience." My view is that my stepdaughter can be VERY bossy with her friends and seems oblivious to how she comes across to people. On worse days, I view her as someone to be avoided - she can really be unpleasant. There are some odd behaviors - for instance, she almost never greets anyone in the morning. It requires someone else to extend a simple "hello" or "good morning." Another example: the other day she was looking for swimsuit. Instead of saying "have you seen my blue swimsuit?" it was "I know that when you fold clothes you often place my stuff with Mom's and items become lost. Have you seen my blue swimsuit?"
She is also very self-centered - but that's more of a 16 YO trait. Her background - bio father died of alcoholism/drowning in 2020 and she's been on attention deficit disorder meds for the past few years. I think she tends to rub people the wrong way a lot - I don't think she realizes that friends see how she tries to "play" people to get her way. Often lots of drama with this kid.
When I try to suggest to my wife that her daughter might be bringing upon herself, the comment is immediately considered "victim shaming"...but the reality is that "friends" don't just ghost friends. If she's really "down to just one friend" , there has to be good reason.
Any advice on this? I've gradually disengaged with the SD and am looking forward to a better relationship once she goes off to college in a couple years. She sees a counselor about once a month but she reports that "my counselor has no clue...is worthless".
Stay out of the friend drama
Frankly your wife is the problem - calling her DD's friends' parents? WTH? It would be one thing if they are bullying her but it seems like they are just avoiding an unpleasant person. That is a naturaly consequence of being unpleasant so just let it happen. If your wife wants to parent she should sit DD down for a good talk and ask her why she thinks her friends ghosted her.
I would talk to your wife about changing her counseler if it isn't helping her.
I doubt your relationship will improve when she is college by the way. The drama just continues and actually becomes more significant than just high school drama.
I agree - thanks
Thanks. Yeah, the specific reason she called a parent is because my wife felt the parent should have stepped in to say something to her daughter when her daughter didn't invite my SD to a group outing (kind of a long story but the friends live in separate towns and only know of each other because of my SD). Nonetheless, I told my wife it was a mistake to get that involved. Bottom line is my SD has had a longtime "friend" that may be quite mean. The solution re: that "friend" is obvious.
Yeah, I think finding a better counselor might help - but then again my SD is a know-it-all and will probably complain about the next one.
I'm sorry to hear that the relationship doesn't improve during college. I guess at least my SD will be out of the house 9-10 months of the year!
Calling her friends parents
Is not going to do anything, except making her friends or ex friends, hate SD more. Kids don't like parents telling them anything. Like who to be friends with or who to invite to. X. Y and Z. It's only going to make things worst
Calling her friends parents
Is not going to do anything, except making her friends or ex friends, hate SD more. Kids don't like parents telling them anything. Like who to be friends with or who to invite to. X. Y and Z. It's only going to make things worst
Calling her friends parents
Is not going to do anything, except making her friends or ex friends, hate SD more. Kids don't like parents telling them anything. Like who to be friends with or who to invite to. X. Y and Z. It's only going to make things worst
Spell it out to her….
Oh wow. I think as an adult in her life you should discuss when she is rude to you and point out what she has said and how it can be interpreted regardless of what she means. If she is lacking awareness, bring awareness to her behaviour. There's nothing worse than kids not being pulled up on their behaviour and are too slow to pick up social clues on how unacceptable their behaviour is.
Just say...
"Im sorry SD, are you asking me if I have seen your blue swimsuit? Is that's the question?" When she responds you can answer her and then say "when you speak like that, it sounds like your blaming me for your missing swimsuit because I mistake your clothes for your mums at times. When people do nice things for you like your washing and make mistakes, you can either be tolerant of the mistakes and be great full that's someone is doing the washing for you or start to do your washing yourself, up to you. but if you speak to me like that again I won't be doing it for you anymore. When you speak to me like that, it doesn't make me want to do nice things for you and I think you should be aware of how rude you are being regardless of what you intended. This might be part of the issue your having with your friends lately"
Spell it out to her and if she continues that's the problem right? But she should be made aware each and every time.
I think it's ok to discuss
I think it's ok to discuss with your wife that she overstepped by calling the other parents and can make things worse for her daughter with them by doing that.
Also another counselor may be helpful. If SD has ADHD it's not uncommon for it to affect social skills development. She may impulsively act before she thinks. Finding a counselor who is familiar with ADHD and can work with SD on her social skills development may be more beneficial.
Oh my goodness, my daughters
Oh my goodness, my daughters would have died if I had interfered like that.
One of my daughters had a group of friends and there were always pairs of besties among them that changed all the time. I found it a very healthy situation. One day, one of the girls was ostracized, shunned by the others. My daughter told me nothing about it but I noticed all by myself. When asked, all she would say was that she was no longer friends with "Mary". All of us mothers knew something was wrong but none of us interfered. The girls were 12-13 at the time. As time went on, I found out that "Mary" had been saying extremely nasty things about "Susan" and the group had rallied round "Susan" and cold-shouldered "Mary" to let her know how much they disliked what she'd done. Anyway, a year later, "Mary" had apologized and made aments to "Susan" and everyone was OK again. The past was in the past.
The moral to this story is that, if any of us mothers had intervened, the whole situation could have turned really bad and blown up the group.
Please tell your wife that once a child reaches double digits, provided nothing harmful or criminal is going on, that child needs to sort out her/ his own problems - it's part of growing up - and any parent that tries to step in will get that child shamed by their friends for running to mommy or daddy.
Thanks, all - each of you
Thanks, all - each of you have provided some really good strategies to consider.
UPDATE
So last Saturday my wife & I woke up shortly past midnight to the sounds of eggs & tomatoes smashing against our house. Only real damage was a broken light fixture window. Ugh. (Yes, I called the police but we didn't have any description to provide.)
Based on what we've heard, we're pretty sure we know it was one of my SD's ex-friends. I know my SD can be a pill but it frustrates me that kids are being raised to the point where they think it's fine to do this kind of crap. The ridiculous thing is that her "ex-friends" must realize it's not my SD that's going to be the one cleaning up the mess!
Why can’t she clean up ?
She better help out if it's her nasty ways getting this kind of attention. Sorry this happend to you. I remember 30 years ago my older brother got into it with his then best friend over a lost Nintendo game I think it was. Our house got majorly toilet papered. It was crazy to clean up all high in the trees. We knew it was his buddy so he helped clean. I think I did too. We laugh about it now. Hopefully you guys will too some day.