When "messy room" become living in FILTH.
Struggling what to do about my 18YO SD who, fortunately, will be going to college in August. My wife & I have let our kids (my 2 older daughters and her younger daughter & son) keep their rooms however they'd like so long as there are no dishes brought to their rooms. I noticed this morning I hadn't seen a couple cups for awhile so I went up to my SD's room and found what could only be described as a pile of filth next to her bed, covering her nightstand and surrounding area - 15 to 20 Taco Bell cups, stacked soda cans & bottles, potato chip bags, a handful of cups from the kitchen, empty cereal bowls. It was GROSS. *bad* I really wish I could post a photo on this forum.
The question I'm grappling with is how "big of a deal" to make of this. It was a scene from hoarders and I'm seriously wondering if my SD should be seeing a counselor. She's always been "messy" but this is a different level. Her car is the same way - full of trash. Thankfully, I rarely need to be in it.
I sent her a text (she's in class today) and told her it was ridiculous and that I expect her to clean it up TODAY. Her mom agrees with me although I'm sure to hear a complaint about going into SD's room. (I don't care is my response - it's our house.)
I feel like her unsuspecting college roommate (they met last week) is going to be in for quite the experience.
You never know.. my SD's were
You never know.. my SD's were not very neat in their rooms.. but have managed to have reasonably neat homes as adults. I think the frequent coming and going made it harder for them to be organized.. I could also see her eating in her room.. as a side effect of a kid who maybe keeps to herself a lot at your home?
I probably would have had her mother deal with the texting about the mess though.. I get it's your home.. but disciplining a child.. really should fall to the parent.. who has the loving connection.. not with a stepparent that may not have as close of a relationship. especially when it was a situation where you were not being forced to correct in the moment when her mom was absent.. you could have easily relayed it to mom.. who could have handled it.
As far as how big of a deal? as a first offense to some extent.. her mom needs to remind her of the rule of eating in her room.. and she should be made to clean it and the dishes..
She is off to college soon.. no need to drop some huge hammer on her.
Thanks for the advice.
Thanks for the advice. Agreed - I sort of reversed course on letting her mom handle things as I decided a couple years ago to disengage to a large extent. It's kind of tough as my wife wants me to assume more of the SK's father role as their bio dad drowned in a lake a couple years ago. I think I'll let my wife know that she needs to follow up with SD to make sure room is maintained at a reasonable level.
TBH.. if she is 18.. and lost
TBH.. if she is 18.. and lost her dad at 16.. she really is unlikely to want someone to "replace" her dad. If you can have a decent and respectful relationship with her.. that's great.. but she probably will resent any pushing for you to be or do more in a father role. It sounds like she has a few issues.. and I'm hoping has had an opportunity to seek some counseling for the loss of her dad.
I appreciate that your wife is trying to make you fill the void, but she needs to "gently" hear that it is not necessarily a realistic expectation and the pressure of that could have an opposite affect. Your relationship with the kids should be respectful.. and you certainly have rights over setting boundaries for behavior in your home.. but when it comes to the discipline arm of things.. and policing boundaries.. the bio parent really has to be the one to step up. Correction without connection breeds resentment.
and.. it's a two way street.. her kids may not be interested in a replacement daddy.. just like you may not be thrilled having being asked to take on the role.. so mom needs to not force something that isn't happening organically.
Thanks. This is very helpful
Thanks. This is very helpful. Yes, I think that's correct that they might feel some awkwardness with them knowing that my wife's preference is I step into their lives as a father. It's too much pressure all around and, more importantly, it doesn't work when "forced."
I agree with ESMOD
My mom was a WW2 war widow with baby me. She married and "V" adopted me. We bumped along, different personalities but I always bristled when he corrected me. This hit the fan in my teens when he had concerns (legitimate) about my curfew, older boyfriends, dating frequency, etc. If my mom was bringing up these topics, ok. But something about "not Dad" doing it was a serious problem.
I understand your wife's wish but its unrealistic and won't work. Stay disengaged, stable, dependable but don't discipline.
SS21 has a habit of peeing in
SS21 has a habit of peeing in cups and bottles and lettting it simmer. He did this when he was 14-16 and lived with us. Now living with us again as a 21yo and there are bottles of piss in his room as well
He has his own bathroom and its located right next to his room. At no pt was he unable to access the toilet
There is nothing you can do but wait until they move out and do a full on clean and hope they never move back in
Oh, wow. That's certainly
Oh, wow. That's certainly something I've not had to address, thankfully. If you don't mind me asking - has he been in counseling?
Not sure I'd be able to tolerate that. Have you considered you might be doing him a disservice by "waiting until they move out?"
He has trashed many a room in
He has trashed many a room in the time periods he lived with us. Piles of old food, trash, dirty clothes, pee bottles....When asked to clean, he ignores and says he is an adult so he does not need anyone to tell him to do anything. If I insisted, he would become abusive and my husband claimed I was controlling
Counseling only works if one is a willing participant. They will never clean and grew up to be waited on and their mother had similar living conditions (piles of dirty laundry, nasty bathrooms, etc)
Over the years, I have understood that you cannot do/say anything so I let it happen and hope he will.move out so I can clean up
If you really want to win
If you really want to win this "battle" with DE and SD, get some chocolate sprinkles and get in that room before they can. Put them along the wall so it looks like you might have mice. Guaranteed to get it cleAned up.
I don't see this as you
I don't see this as you disciplining your step daughter. I see this at you protecting the investment that is your home.
Disciplining her, IMO, would involve some kind of punishment like taking away her screen time or restricting her from going out for a couple of weeks.
You have every right to say ENOUGH of disgusting behavior in your own home.
Let mom give her a consequence.
Just no
I'm a clean person and our home is lived in and what not, but clean. Absolutely no food or drinks allowed in bedrooms...kitchen or dining room only. A bottle of water in the living room is ok, but nothing else. This is because kids aren't always natural tidy. And it's my biokids that live in our house, so the rules were made for them. But DH and I bought our home together and it's as much his as mine ans he would stroke if he found piles of trash and the like in one of their bedrooms. And he'd be right.
Rule #1is it's our house so what we say goes.
#2 if you live in this house, do not treat it like a trash can.
#3 if you don't like it, you can move out. If you're too young to move out, see rule #1
It can be hard when you're a SP...my DH often brings complaints to me and I'm the enforcer, but he has spoken up and I back him up on it.
Definitely be clear about what your expectations are.
SD24 Feral Forger
When I first met her and lived with her, she was 15. Super filthy and messy. It was a constant battle waged by her father. AT one point he took the door off her room to "shame" (didnt work btw) her into being cleaner.
When she ghosted us (em left to live somewhere else without mentioning it) after 7 months of percolation, I cleaned it all out. 6 trashbags, an electric bed base, a mattress, 2 dressers, a vanity w mirror and chair...lots of trash. Binned up some stuff. Boy was she mad!!!! But what do they expect? That we leave it as some sort of shrine?
She has moved around a lot since then and each time has trashed the place she lived, even when just sleeping on a couch at Toxic Troll BM. Lots of drama over filthy rooms.
Shes a young adult. Its your home shes trashing. I would say you have every right to demand that she respect the space shes occupying. Her mother should def be involved, but the parenting aspect you disengage from.