This is going to be long and is going to jump around from subject to subject...I have severe ADD/ADHD and this has been festering for a while without any outlet or anyone to talk to or complain to. 

This has been a slow and gradual process; however, I feel like my boyfriend's children are kind of now being dumped on me. I won't bother with the usual disclaimers of "I love them and they're great kids, blah blah blah" as that isn't the point. I"ll start from the beginning. A little over a year ago I lost my job. My boyfriend and I were serious, and both ready to take the next step so we decided I would move in with him. I am in an extremely fortunate situation that he makes enough money (and is willing) to financially provide for me while I finish my Masters in Accounting with a specialization in Forensic Accounting, then get my CPA license, and eventually a CFE license. I will be getting a paid internship position when I am close to graduating in August of 2022. Again, having the opprotunity to focus solely on my degree is an amazing situation that is not lost on me...I am very aware and grateful, and try to make sure I contribute in other ways. 

I think most people assume that since I am an online student, I just have some weekly assignments here and there and have nothing but free time other than that. This is not the case. My classes are very demanding and we (students) are expected to dedicate between 40-50 hours per week. (I am in an accelerated program) I am working hard 40-50 hours per week, just like he is. Since I am not contributing financially, I try to take care of all of the other household responsibilities. Cleaning, laundry, dishes, errands, grocery shopping, cooking, dog walking, etc. 

He does shift work, so he does not have the same schedule every week. He is a state trooper, and sometimes works normal day shifts, sometimes night shifts, and sometimes deep night shifts. So sleeping schedules and days off are always changing.

He has 2 kids with his ex-wife. (SS8 and SD10 (I am not sure if those are the right acronyms, this is my first post. Their son is 8, daughter is 10.)) They are civil when it comes to the kids. I think they rushed into having children without thinking through the long term implications, but thats just my opinion. It seems like she likes that she is a mother, but doesn't like having to deal with her kids. She is a little immature and completely self-centered, so I think she is incapable of putting anyone else before herself...even the kids. They have 50/50 custody. She has them Mondays and Tuesdays, he has them Wednesdays and Thursdays, and then they alternate Friday-Sunday. t seems like she constantly looks for opprotunities to get out of having the kids during her custody time. For example, in October, November, and December, she only had the kids for a total of 7 days. BF will always say yes ANYTIME she asks him to take the kids. He says "well I wish I had the kids all of the time, so I never turn down an opprotunity for them to be with me." He doesn't seem to realize that "him having the kids" impacts me too, as they are always trading weekends or picking up early or dropping off late etc....without a word to me. Since I am always at home, he just always says yes with the assumption that even if he has to work, I will be home and available to pick them up from school, drop them off, take them to their moms, etc. I don't mind helping out...I am his partner and we are a team...but since most of the time I am the one that this impacts, I think it would be fair to ASK ME first before agreeing. Like I said, I want to be a good partner and have his back and help him with his shit when he can't....but this willingness really only applies to his acutal custody schedule and only when he absolutely can't make it to their school on time or whatever the case may be.

When we first got together, he only worked deep nights (8PM-5AM) Going to work at 8pm, he was able to pick them up from school at 3PM. Work from 8PM to 5AM, giving him enough time to get home and get them ready for school and dropped off at 7:45AM. Then he'd come home and sleep until it was time to pick them up. He was able to pick them up, help with homework, spend time, etc..then feed them dinner, and then put them to bed at 8PM before he started his shift. I am not sure why this changed, other than he said he didn't like them having to make special exceptions for his scheduling at work since the other troopers complained about him not being on the regular schedule rotation like everyone else....

So, a couple of months after I moved in, he was put back on the regular schedule rotation which means we only know his work schedule and days off about a week in advance. Again, I didn't mind agreeing to picking them up from school or dropping them off on his custody days if he wasn't able to...I felt it was the least I could do since I was being provided for completely by him. Plus, this was only 4 or 5 times a month. Not a big deal. Then the pandemic happened. So then I was suddenly responsible for homeschooling them on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and every other Fridays. That SUCKED. BUT it was only temporary...

So I have lived here with him (and his kids 50% of the time) and my 2 pitbulls for about 14 months now. I say 50% of the time but like I mentioned, BM always has some excuse or reason why she can't pick-up or take the kids during the times she is suppose to. AND he very frustratingly just takes her at her word (despite her being a compulsive liar..his words not mine..) and doesn't question her or call bullshit on OBVIOUS bull shit. It annoys me when it is suppose to be kid-free time, and we end up with the kids, but I can deal with it AS LONG AS he is home and he is the one taking care of the kids. 

So there are 2 big issues/festering resentments starting to boil over here....one is the scheduling changes and agreements made between BF and BM without any consideration to me or my time or wants or desires or needs or preferences. Again, this is annoying but manageable as long as I'm not the one stuck taking care of them. If I am the one that is going to end up having to deal with them, then I think it is completely unacceptable to not ask me before agreeing.

The second issue is his automatic assumption that I will take care of the kids if he can't on his visitation days...not just play temporary driver...but be responsible for waking them up, getting them ready for school, taking them to school, picking them up from school, helping with homework, dealing with after school snacks, cooking dinner, cleaning up from cooking dinner, and then putting them to bed. This seems to be the case more and more. On top of that, all of the other household responsibilities are still mine since I agreed that that would be the way I contributed since I wasn't contributing financially. Add to that taking care of my dogs and my school responsibilities. This doesn't leave me any time for relaxation, any type of social time, time with my family, hobbies or other activities. I am starting to be constatnly behind in class to where I stay up all night doing homework and trying to catch up....only to be called "unreliable" if I drop off or pick up the kids late. Granted, when he isn't at work, he assumes all responsibility for the kids. There are rarely thank yous, or good jobs, or any other types of appreciation shown anymore. It is just expected.

"Since all I have is school and the dogs and thats it I shouldn't be staying up all night doing homework, and I need to learn time managment."

I now see, that he didn't want to help me out or take care of me or invest in "our" future...Instead, he probably saw an opprotunity to take on a few more monthly expenses in exchange for not having anything else to worry about outside of work. I use to think "well he works hard everyday to provide for my needs and wants", but now...I mean if you break it down by hour...im getting super f. Yes he goes out and works his ass off for 10 hours a day...10 hours a day is the same amount of time I am suppose to be spending on school work. Yet since I get to do this from home, literally everything else has started to fall to me. 

Another issue....and let me start with the disclaimer...I KNOW that dogs and pets are not the same as children. I get it...i'm not delusional. HOWEVER, I do not have kids. I've never wanted kids. So the closest relatable feeling that I can compare to his love for his children is my love for my dogs. (My dogs have been my best buds for 9 years...we've been through some heavy shit together. I LOVE them and they are loyal.) Like I said...I know my two dogs that I brought to the relationship are not the same as the two children he brought. BUT....sometimes I can't help but compare some of the expectations of responsibility. I don't expect him to take care of my dogs. Occasionally, I will ask him to take them out for me if I have a few hours before a project deadline and am no where near being done. The only time he voluntarily takes them out is if it is his day off and he wakes up before I do...He doesn't even think about it. It does not cross his mind to check their food and water bowls...(we live in an apartment on the 4th floor...taking them out is an ass whip...even more so during the day...they are big strong dogs and do not like other dogs or people...so I usually take them out one at a time unless it is late at night and I don't have to worry about running in to other people walking their dogs. He is a big strong man and can handle them both at the same time even if they are lunging and barking at other dogs...so yes sometimes I ask him to help me out and take them out for me.... We also live right in the middle of everything so there's no real "dog walking" type areas...) It is usually met with a sigh and an unwilling "sure"....and even then it is his last priority...he will take care of other things first and will say "DON'T RUSH ME I'LL TAKE THEM WHEN I'M READY." I can't help but to automatically think in my head "okay got it...if i'm busy don't expect me to cook for your kids until i'm ready....." I know its not the same....but the reciprocity just isn't there at all. 

So I'm burnt out and exhausted. And I have more time with these kids than their bio parents combined at this point. 

He has made comments about being "patient" and waiting for me to get use to being a "step-mom" and for me to step up into the role. He also expects me to consider that "I have kids now". He also assumes that I see his children the way he does...that I see them as my own and love them like they're mine and take initiative. I will admit they are very well behaved and respectful kids. But at the end of the day, they are still someone elses kids....and raising kids was never something I wanted to do. I understand it is a package deal...and I'm okay with that...but I think there is a difference between dating a guy with kids and helping him out - and helping to raise his kids and actively participating in "being a member of this family."

I have started doing martial arts. I told him I needed something physical to do and something to get me out of the apartment and something that is just for me. He said "oh thats great blah blah blah so supportive." Then, "I want the kids to do martial arts...do they have like a family discount? Did you ask? That would be great so you could just pick the kids up from school and then ya'll could go to martial arts at the same time...." First of all...they would be in a kids class.....secondly....no. If you want them in martial arts fine. Do the leg work yourself....go call different places and ask about rates and send them to trial classes and figure it out on your own...don't just tell me you want the kids to do it too and then put it on me to figure it all out and get them into it and then take them to and from it. ESPECIALLY when i explicitly said I needed to do something that was just mine and just for me. I don't mean the kids can't do martial arts since I am...I just mean I want it to be separate. I use to also be very into artsy projects at this art studio in town. I mentioned maybe just doing that as something I just went and did to get me out and about in the real world and to have something that was just mine....special me time or whatever....he said yeah cool just let me know how much you need. So for weeks i kept having to put it off since the kids were here and he was working. Then one day I said something about how frustrated I was that I had been trying to go to this studio for months to do a mosaic project, so that I was going to go ahead and go that day and that i'd be home when they closed. He said "okay that sounds good, you're taking the kids right? Or are you planning on leaving them at home alone?" I said no i'm not taking the kids so i guess ill reschedule once again. I wanted to say HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENING!? I SAID I WANTED TO GO DO SOMETHING ON MY OWN AND YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THE KIDS? I even tried doing that once...took them to make him something for his birthday....he had to come pick them up before i could even get started on mine since I had to manage their projects the whole time. If i didn't they ended up walking around the studio asking other people if they could help them. If i took the kids with me it would become me taking the kids so they could do projects....not me going to do something I enjoy on my own....It frustrates me that he doesn't seem to get that. 

OKAY here is the grand finale.

He is planning on deploying one more time before he retires from the Marine Corps. He will be gone for a year. We discussed me moving when this happens (we get a huge rent discount b/c he is the courtesy officer here, but if he deploys that will go away and I seriously dislike this apartment as it is and I refuse to live here for the overpriced full rent amount) I started looking at one-bedroom apartments in the area and small houses. I showed him a house and he said "oh that would be great its 3 bedrooms so the kids could each have their own room...you should go ahead and make moves to see about getting it." (renting) I reminded him that he would be gone for a year, so a 3 bedroom house would be unnecessary for just me....I planned on getting a nice 1st floor 1 bedroom apartment with a little yard or a dog run or something. He casually said "you can live wherever you want while i'm gone but you need to look at 2 bedrooms at least....for the kids."

WUT. 

It was then that I learned that his expectation was that the kids remain on the same custody/visitation schedule while he is deployed...like nothing will change he will just not be here. I decided to unpack that later since we were at my parents house...We still haven't discussed it since he doesn't have orders yet...so the timing is still unknown. BUT SERIOUSLY!? I'M NOT GOING TO RAISE YOUR KIDS FOR YOU WHILE YOU'RE GONE WHEN THEIR MOTHER LIVES HERE IN THE SAME TOWN. THEY AREN'T MY KIDS. They have a mom and a dad. on top of that WE AREN'T MARRIED. We havent even been together for two years. And since BM definately doesn't want to have full custody of her kids, i'm sure thats what she wants too. F NO. How inappropriate to share 50/50 custody with your ex-husband's girlfriend. I'm not their parent or guardian or actual legal step mom. I do not have rights to these children and as a result I am mind-blown by the assumption that I would want or be willing to have visitation rights to them while he is gone. It's not even like i've always wanted kids and see this as an opprotunity to have some. I don't want my own kids...why would I want to raise some elses kids on my own??? And how in the world can their bio parents even justify to themselves passing their parenting responsibilities to me!? ESPECIALLY when he tells me how unreliable I am because I'm always late everywhere. And thats if I even wanted the responsibility...which I do not. Why the hell would I? The kids are fine and I like them well enough but I don't want to be their parent. His assumption that this would be an okay situtation AND something I would want and be okay with appals me. The divorce decree says that the kids will go to his mother during his visitation days in the even of his deployment. Then he just casually says "we can just change it to where they'll go to you" AND THIS IS ALL WITHOUT ANY TYPE OF CONVERSATION OR CONSIDERATION ABOUT WHAT I WANT OR HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT. I don't think my thoughts or feelings even occur to him...that I have any that are different than his own....and if I do then i'm wrong. 

He had to go out of town this weekend for a military thing. He left Thursday morning...and is coming back on Monday. WE had the kids on Wednesday, and I didn't even realize it was his weekend for the kids until he was gone. But we always have them on Thursdays so I didn't see it as a big deal when he said "hey can you take me to the airport on Thursday morning? We can drop off the kids at school together and then go straight to the airport." okay... I'm not great at planning or "family scheduling" since I don't have kids...so it didn't really hit me later that day when I said.."uhmmm....I guess i'm picking the kids up from school today?" "YEP" uh....okay....and I guess I have to wake them up and get them ready and take them to school on Friday? and do all of the parent responsibilities in between?" "YEP" okay....................................................."but you traded weekends with BM or something right?"...."NO...its our weekend with the kids....."

(ignoring the fact that its not our weekend with the kids its his weekend with the kids...and i think him contsantly referring to them as THE kids and not HIS kids is another subliminal manipulation...to where i feel like a dickhead whenever i refer to them as HIS kids...that somehow means i'm unwilling to be a member of the family.)

".....right but you're going to be in Phoenix the whole time, you won't even be back until after their back with BM....so i'm expected to take care of the kids all by myself all weekend?" "YEP"

Later, he even asked what my plans were for the weekend.......1. its a little fucking late to be asking, 2. you should know since you decided them for me....i don't get to have plans for the weekend, i'll be taking care of your and your ex-wife's children.....

WHAT. THE. F. I don't know why the ridiculousness of it didn't hit me until today.....probably because its slowly become more and more normal for me to just assume i'll have to take care of them during his time. 

I feel like calling him while he's out of town and bringing ALL of this up would be an asshole move...but should I? I don't know. It bothers me that I didn't even think anything of it at first. It bothers me even more that this is what is just assumed and expected of me now....and it pisses me off alot that he has never even asked or considered that i may not want to take care of his kids while he's not here....like not just that i might not be willing to...but any consideration for me as a person wasn't even a factor or a thought. he doesn't even consider that i might have feelings/wants/needs/expecations separate from his....that I am just here for him and his needs and wants. And maybe he feels justified in the assumption that i will take on his parenting responsibilities in his absence since he pays for the privilege. 

at this point....i am the most underpaid nanny, maid, cheuffer, teacher, cook, personal assistant.