DH saw the party pics
Forums:
On FB. She posted multiple pics. No less than 40 people there! Some from quite a distance like DH's ex. This was his grand daughters first birthday. The party. To which he knew nothing about nor was invited.
One of his daughters called today and mentioned the party casually. I opened my mouth and told her how hurtful for her father to hear about the party through FB. That he was not included. I told her how would she and her siblings feel if I had a big party for their father inviting all my family and not inviting THEM?? Silence. I told DH he's a fool to fund anymore projects for them writing on the wall I hope he gets it
It won't take them long to
It won't take them long to twist it around so they're the victims. Like how dare you upset us by getting upset he wasn't invited. It wasn't their intention to make him so upset after all and it was just one big misunderstanding....
DH was right there
When I spoke on the phone. He does tell me he doesn't care he was excluded and that likely she didn't invite him because she knew he wouldn't go. I told him that I care and I really tried with this daughter. Now I'm stepping back and he can be the gift giver. Which won't be much. Lol. But they will continue to ask for money for projects etc.
I guess this brings up something I even see with one of my own children. Many adult kids still don't seem to have a reciprocal relationship with their parent. They care for the parent but the parent exists to take care of them.
like the daughter I said the comment to. She calls all the time. Cares for DH. But doesn't seem to get why DH could be upset over this.
All they had to do was ask,
All they had to do was ask, even if they knew he wouldn't go - and then let him know he was missed. Not so hard.
We would have gone.
We are both fully vaccinated and he has not yet seen his granddaughter. He was invited to visit his brother next month and we likely will go. I said to him how will it look if you don't fly them to granddaughter and he said nothing. He gets it.
Do you think he would ever
Do you think he would ever say anything to them himself? It would likely have more impact (rather than them blaming you).
Sadly, unless he stops funding them, they won't respect him - and even then, they might just cut him off entirely instead.
His biggest fear
Is them cutting him off. He's a chaser. Was that way with their entitled mother. Classic. The ultimate dysfunctional relationship.
Well, you may have to leave
Well, you may have to leave him to handle it how he wants - but protect your finances.
Disengage from SD
They don't care about you. So why care about them. Don't let them take space in your mind. No gifts, no money let BM take of all of that.
.
This is a no-win battle.
So throw down your sword and don't waste anymore energy or emotion on it. Your DH isn't saying much because he is conflicted. Intellectually he knows what his DD did was shameful but he will never confront her about it.
As you acknowledge, the foundation of their entire relationship(s) are based on dysfunction. You cannot reconstruct that because it is full of rot - nor can you even try and shore it up no matter what you say or how you call them out.
My SD is even worse. She called my SO out of the blue one day (she NEVER initiates contact) with the news he was now grandpa of two as they had just brought home a baby girl that very day. SD had never said a word to him about their efforts at adoption so it was a complete shock to him. I would bet any amount of money that BM knew all about it though and was deeply involved throughout it all.
Just shows how much on the fringes these fathers are and how much of their kids' lives they are left out of, usually because BM makes it her mission in life to be the ultimate, only parent.
This will be repeated
With his other daughter. I pointed that out. This maybe his first grandchild but why won't it happen when other daughter has kids or has BM over for holidays? He thinks the other daughter calls him so much but he exists for her needs. She saw nothing wrong with her sister excluding her father. They have the same vile cruel mother. Of course other daughter will exclude her father from any event in which the Queen mother attends. lol. Over the yrs the girls have ALWAYS sided with mommy dearest.
And they will justify of course.
I told DH they are indifferent to him. Doesn't mean he can't have a relationship but treat them accordingly. certainly the one daughter treats him as extended family. And do extended family but your baby furniture etc etc.?
take the lead from them.
I'm sorry you have to deal
I'm sorry you have to deal with such immature adults. I'm in that boat with you and will help you row. Do what you need to do for yourself. SK have parties we aren't invited to also. I didn't want to be around the most hateful BM, so I just don't care.