I had dh landmark birthday party over the weekend and it was a success!   With the help of the other siblings, we managed to surprise dh.  All our friends and family were there,  all but SS34 and his partner.   I took advice from a few women on this site and sent SS34 an email as to why he was not invited.  The email was polite and direct.  

When dh did not see SS34,  he was naturally upset for a few minutes, then he got on with enjoying the party.   Everyone clearly noticed that he was not there, but then again, everyone knows how rude and disrespectful he has been towards me.   A good time was had by all including dh, who confessed to me that he felt relaxed as SS34 presence always make his very nervous.   He thanked me for organising an amazing party.

I decided not to invite SS34, even though some members of my family thought that I should have invited him for dh sake.  A few people noticed how relaxed dh,  I also noticed it.    Apparently, SS34 was so surprised and upset at not being invited, he did not sleep properly for a few days after the party.

The day after the party, I explained to dh why I had not invited SS34.   dh had thought SS34 had declined my invitation.   He nearly fell off his chair when I told him that I did not invite him.   I went on to tell him that SS34 had communicated that he would like to come, but I sent him a polite email telling him, that he was not invited.   Dh said, he did feel sad, but he totally understood why I would not invite him.

At some point in your life, you have to take the negativity out of the situation.   SS34 has ruined so many memorable events for us, there was no way I was going to have him ruin any more days, especially dh landmark party, as I was footing the entire bill.   It was held in a swanky restaurant so it was not cheap!    Just because he is DH's son does not mean that I need to invite him, even when his behaviour towards me has always been one of disrespect and rudeness.     

dh and I agreed during our counselling session unless SS34 changes his attitude towards me,  he will not be allowed in the house and he will see him outside the home.   My boundaries are set,  I do not go near SS34, even when WE are invited.   His invitations are never genuine and are always met with disdain.  I really want nothing to do with him unless he has a change of attitude.  Even dh has admitted it has done wonders for our relationship and for his wife!    Dh used to refer to SS34 as the "ghost of Banquo"  as in every time he mentioned SS34 name, we used to argue.    Since I disengaged,  the "ghost of Banquo" has been put to rest.