Disney Trip w/o SD

Last week, BM asked DH last minute if SD10 could stay with us during "her days" because she was going out of town. No other details. DH agreed and assumed she was just going on a trip with BF. SD was VERY upset when DH told her she would be staying with us instead. I know, we're terrrrrrible I guess. SD basically begged DH to still go over to her BMs house because her Aunt and half-brother (16) would be there for supervision. For whatever reason, DH agreed.

The week passes and SD comes back to our house. First thing she said is "I can't believe my Mom went to Disney without me!" Well, I can because she is a POS, but whatever. I mean, what BM schedules a Disney trip with a friend, without her own daughter during her scheduled time? *eyeroll* Not our problem though.

SD then goes on to say "(half brother) called me a f@ggot".

DH said "Why do you want to go over there so bad when you aren't treated well?" "And your Mom wasn't even there?" No real answer out of her. She got extremely defensive and just said "Well she came back last night and I got to see her then." SD WORSHIPS BM and puts her on a pedastal no matter what. Excluded from trips, no discipline for her other son, etc. I just can't beleive the level of PAS for us, but building herself up for SD.

I feel like DH can't even point out the crap BM pulls without SD seeing him as "bashing" her Mom. It seems like no matter what, SD always defends her BM. Signs of typical PAS? Has anyone's SO successfully shown their BMs true colors to SKs?

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Well from your last paragraph

Well from your last paragraph it seems as if your DH is the one trying to PAS the SD by pointing out BM's failures. At least the girl is smart enough to stop him. Regardless of what she does, it's wrong of your DH to try and shove SD's nose in BM's failures. It's PAS, that your DH is comitting.

I honestly think it was a

I honestly think it was a genuine question from DH of why she wants to go over to BMs constantly when she complains her brother cusses her out and she goes on trips without her? The part out of quotes are just my personal opinions.... didn't say those things to SD!

I think there's pointing out truth

And then there's PAS or bashing. To me, PAS is when you take a neutral issue and manipulate it into something negative about the other parent, where pointing out a reality is what it is. It can be a bit of a fine line, but I think that anything that encourages a child to think critically about their circumstances is a good thing, ultimately.

Typically a kiddo dealing with PAS will reject a parent completely because of the behavior of the other parent. That doesn't seem to be happening here, based on the little information we have.

What I suspect you're dealing with is a child with an insecure attachment to BM. The child feels insecure in her attachment to BM, so she's desperate to find a way to be attached. This typically happens when a parent is emotionally unavailable or just plain toxic.

I disagree that PAS

I disagree that PAS automaticall makes a child reject the other parent. I know this because SD experienced PAS from both sides. My MIL would PAS SD against her mom, and BM PAS'd SD against DH, it didn't work. There were only times it did and reflected but BM was never succesful in having SD reject her dad. She was DH enmeshed and mini-wife for years but certainly didn't reject him no matter how hard BM tried.

Wonder why BM would leave her

Wonder why BM would leave her out of the trip to Disney and just let it hang in the air. If SD asks you to answer that , tell her you can't begin to know BM's thoughts and she should ask her mother. That's how my DH taught critical thinking skills in the only skid still in contact with him. Your BM is obviously toxic and SD will need to handle this the rest of her life. Or you can just drop the rope and let SD grow up stunted from her mother's failures. She's 10 so I think Dad might still have a chance. My DH started when YSD was in middle school. We used the Pluto video also.

Where does it say

That SK have to go on all vacations. Or bio kids must go on all vacations. BM or BF wanted to go on a alone trip with there SO. What wrong with that. If SK have decent Bio parents they already go on more trips then normal familys.
When BP decided to divorce, nothing is going to be the same, so they already are setting there kids up for drama

I guess the fact that BM hid

I guess the fact that BM hid it from her daughter until after the fact and made DH be the one to tell SD "you're staying with your Dad this week."

^this. Parents can take trips

^this. Parents can take trips without their kids. Maybe she's not a good parent in general, but I don't see a problem with adults only trips. That being said, we had extra days with SD once because her mom went camping and helping BM out really got under my skin. I dont want to do that b*tch any favors.

Yes, I 100% agree! I think BM

Yes, I 100% agree! I think BM pinning it on DH to break the news to SD she wasn't going was the crummy part - making him the bad guy.

I personally don't get why

I personally don't get why adults want to go to Disney World alone for fun, but to each their own.

I can see it, depending on

I can see it, depending on the kids height/weight and inability to ride certain rides. Or like Epcot that has the adult dine/drinks tours, etc. Or simply wanting a more adult time without worrying about bratty kids. If she's already been there with bm then I don't think it's that unfair. Kids need to learn they aren't the center of the universe and that their parents have their own lives and friends and needs that don't include them 100pct of the time.

It was like that when we travelled with my bios and DH and didn't include SD on every trip. SD would take multiple trips every year with BM, with her friends and parents...my sons got that one trip with me and nothing else, so why should she be included on every trip? MIL always held resentment about that but I didn't give a damn. I pretty much told her off one time because of it too. SD had JUST come back from a long vacation at the beach with her friend and parents, we were leaving 2 weeks later, she wasn't included. Tough crap.

I get why they want to go

I get why they want to go away alone, that's fine - just not to Disney World. Not my cup of tea for vacations if kids aren't involved.

Oh I hear ya, definately not

Oh I hear ya, definately not my cup of tea, even WITH kids ha! That said, a few years ago my sons and I went to Tokyo for about 5 days, I had one a hotel stay at the Hilton Disney there and since we could fly free we went. First class in those pods. Amazing trip. We went to the Disney there and it was quite the experience, miserable weather but we had a blast. They were teens at the time.

I LOVE Disney World. I loved

I LOVE Disney World. I loved it as a small child, as a teen and as an adult. I have enjoyed it with skids, I look forward to enjoying it with DD when the pandemic is over, and I love going with just adults. There's fun for all ages at WDW.

Awww bm must be IN LOVE

Toxic Troll did that...

Yeah, before the lockdown, sometime last year, she went to Disneyland with "her LA boyfriend" because she has different men in different locations (mostly online). And Hawaii too. The D land one she kept VERY VERY secret, and mentioned it ONCE to DH, then back tracked and Ive since confirmed it is 100% true. The Hawaii trip she was very open about and even asked DH if he could give her the child support check because she needed it for her trip.

I dont think mentioning something matter of factly is PAS, but inn this case, where there is a strong loyalty bind, anything could trigger it.

Too bad, but I think at 10 she might be still open to her father and yourself.

Your question of have I successfuly show the true colors? Well, a few times I tried. Typically its when Munchkin tells me her mother is crazy or something negative, Im thinking shes going to be receptive to truths. But its a delicate dance.

For example, a few months back we were conversing and she said "my mother doesnt always tell the truth of things. And she twists things." So then the conversation went to her father, and how hes jealous and angry and thats why her mother broke up the marriage. I told her that he was jealous and angry because she was off with other men. I asked her if her mother told her he was angry and jealous or if she had seen it. I told her we dont really know the truth of things because her father has his side and her mother has her side. All I know is how he is with me isnt what her mother describes.

She didnt react too badly. But I did plant the seed that her mother might not be telling the truth to her. But she knew that already, shes just battling the "programming".

Toxic Troll sort of re-writes history into what she wants and then repeats it like a cult programs its followers.

TT has made some outrageous claims. That DH forces me to curl my hair like her, do my makeup like she does. She claimed that he begged her to stay and that he bought a jaccuzzi and pool table to try to get her to stay with him. He has told me that NONE of this is true (plus I have naturally curly hair that I used to straighten when I first started a relationship). So, TT will take a grain of truth, and re-make it into something completely different. Its true he got a pool table after he moved her out. Its true that he got a jaccuzzi also at that time. Its true my hair is now its natural curly self.

Munchkin, shes just not at the place to see her mothers true colors yet. Shes sees it, but then hides from it. Like she has even called her mother a narcissist! And then goes back on it.

Its a fine line.

My skids (sd’s) have seen bio mums true colours

On the bad crazy shit she did and lies she made of my husband (their dad) and when they confronted her with actual hard evidence, she sold them a bullshit story they bought no matter how ridiculous and dumb it was but they've been so brainwashed into dysfunctional stupidity that they buy this bullshit

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