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How do I get SKs to move out when he is old enough?

Oldrosie's picture

Submitted by Oldrosie on Mon, 02/22/2021 - 9:52am

Hi y'all

I have been fairly quiet the last few months - just trying to stay posistive. SKs are still the same but I tend to ignore them most of the time. Being in the same room as them makes my skin crawl. Sometimes its not their fault but I think alot of the damage has been done by their annoying habits and constant dramas. 

Does anyone else feel terrible for just not really like the SKs all that much?

Anyway, these SKs live with us 24/7 - I count down the days for them to grown up and move out. 

They are 10 and 14 - pretty immature in general. Have no common sense, initutive or drive. I know that they will be around forever if I don't put in some ground work now. 

How do I get these kids to be more independant and hungry for adventure instead of lazy and idle? 

I feel like if I try do some subtle things to make them think about leaving at say 18 I should start now? 

At the moment we are on a path to them just being round the house with no job until they are 30. The oldest one especially is going to likely to fail school and he has no drive at all to try and do well. He doesnt even talk like a normal 14 year old who is thinking about whats next after high school. He thinks life is handed to him. The youngest I think will do OK at school and is probably a bit more likely to follow his peers onto college. 

Any tips from people who have done this strategy before and have got them out their house in good time? I don't think I could bare to live with them any longer than I need to. Perhaps not making it so comfortable for them? How do I get them to look outwards at the world? I think they might need a personality transplant. 

 

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Mon, 02/22/2021 - 10:03am

I think it is a parents job to prepare them for life. Not saying YOU should be the one doing these things but make sure that your DH is at least:

  1. Give a budget for a meal and have them take it on. I would suggest doing this weekly.  (Example, you typically spend $20 on a dinner at the grocery store. Give them $20 and have them plan what you will eat, shop for it within budget, cook it, serve it and clean up afterwards.)
  2. Laundry. At 10 and 14 they are completely capable of doing their own. They will need reminders but they can do it.
  3. Have the college, career, trade school talks at dinner. My kids have been told since a young age that they will have the summer after they graduate and then they either are in college and trade school fulltime or if they want to take a gap year or 2, they will be paying rent if they want to stay in our home. 
  4. Sports- what do they do? There are options for every personality. Don't give a choice. There is a lot to be learned about life while being on a team.

Blended4213's picture

Submitted by Blended4213 on Mon, 02/22/2021 - 10:33am

Maybe make sure DH is in the same page as far as the kids moving out once they've graduated. I've already had this discussion with DH. I'm ready for all the kids to launch after high school, including my own, as much as I love them, I feel it is a natural progression in life. And I think my kids will be ready to move on at that time too. 
It's challenging when DH babies the stepkids too much, I don't know if yours does this? It's in their best interest to be self-sufficient. I agree that is DH's job though, just make sure he understands you are not ok with them living with you forever. 
 

I agree with the personality transplant comment  too-if only for my stepkids also. They are just odd kids and not easy to live with. Even my friends and family, DH's family, and DH himself has mentioned how "different" they are. Lucky me. I keep reminding myself how happy DH makes me and it is all worth it, they will some days be grown up and out of the house.

caninelover's picture

Submitted by caninelover on Mon, 02/22/2021 - 12:01pm

Really you and DH need to be on the same page regarding timing but it is up to him to prepare them.  

The reality is unless they go to college it is difficult to establish their own, independent household.  Entry level jobs typically don't pay enough to cover rent and expenses.  So hopefully DH is telling them to go to college, LOL.

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Mon, 02/22/2021 - 11:49am

Think about all the things they will need to know to live on their own, dorms or rental, and focus on teaching them those skills. They don't appear magically, they need to be taught. Another thing is don't give them everything free. Make them earn it. There's a lot of freedom to be had when you move out and if it's too comfy , they won't be motivated to move out.  Think back to your teenage years and remember how tasty adult freedom was to you.  Did you parents ever say to you" when your an adult you can choose that" ?   Just enough boundaries/expectations and  that are uncomfortable enough that they want to get out.
 

Don't forget one second let the other parent use the argument that they are just kids.  That mindset raises basement dwellers.   

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Mon, 02/22/2021 - 11:56am

My mother always said that she did her best to make us uncomfortable so we'd want to leave, lol  

I did regular chores, got no allowance, and had a job from 14 on. They bought the basics and anything special I bought for myself. I had a curfew and it was enforced. I was a good student so no worries there, but when my brother dropped out of college, they kicked him out to find his way. 
 

Your SS needs chores and expectations. A job as soon as he can, and limits on the stuff he likes. Phone not with him all night. Internet shut down at a reasonable time. As the others said, doing his own laundry and cooking. He WILL get his license at 16 or be driven nowhere. If he has mental health issues, therapy is mandatory. 
 

Failure to Launch is about kids not feeling confident that they can handle adulthood and parents not pushing them to be independent  

 

missgingersnap2021's picture

Submitted by missgingersnap2021 on Mon, 02/22/2021 - 11:57am

Yes I feel guilty that I dont like my SD16 that much, and like you I want her out of this house when she is 18. I have it easier though becuase she doesn't live here full-time (She is here every Wed night and every other weekend). Things I have done to make this known is to tell her that her father and I are planning on down sizing once she graduates. I talk a lot in front of her to DH about what this new house will look like. Its done is a fun way beacuase we joke about it and call it my "Dream tiny house" and I'll say things like "In our tiny home I want a huge kitchen" .

I have also made comments to her about if she is sure she wants to go to community college becuase that would mean living with her mother vs being on campus. Everythng I say is said nicley but I make sure to imply she will not be living here. I also intend to start nudging DH next year (when she is a senior) to wean her off the sleepovers. For example - on the weekends she is here it woudl be nice if every so often she didnt come until Sat morning vs Friday night, and instead of sleeping here Sunday night and leaving here Monday mornings she goes home Sunday night..