BM & Skid drama. Glad i'm not the only one.
So until i found out about this site i honestly thought i was an absolute monster for sometimes getting so sick fed up of the same drama from the BM and SKids.
*Also if someone can fill me in on the lingo that would be great. I get SD is stepdaughter and SS is step son but seen a YSD no idea what that is lol or OH*
Anyways i started a blog because i have years of venting and and no doubt this will not be the last of my entries here. I have a kid of my own and 2 SK, my partner and i are not married although we do live together. We live in different cities and OH is moving back nearer kids as the BM has no control of her kids and lets them do what they want when they want to the point she has the authorities in contact with her because of kids attendance at school. All got worse when OH moved in with me.
I honestly dont even know where to start here because soo much has happened. When he moved in with me the initial reaction of BM was panic as to who is going to take kids to school, bare in mind OH works full time and BM has never worked a day in her life she is just too lazy and expects to be spoon fed. OH used to do food shops for her take kids to school go deal with any drama that SS caused because her initial reaction is to pick up the phone instead of dealing with her own kids. It was a very arguementative 6 months about contact and that first summer it was me that basically had the kids majority of time as i worked at home. I then had enough and after multiple conversations with OH the favours and helpfulness eventually stopped so he now does nothing in her house and nothing for her, which is half the issue. SS is a complete bully with a massive attitude probelm and we clash so many times because my OH has rose goggles on when it comes to his kids because god forbid anyone say anything bad about them or to them. He has no issue telling me about mine though or moaning about mine doing the silliest thing. I am biased every parent is, my pre teen can have an attitude too but he knows when hes crossed the line and apologetic to it, my kid is by far an angel compared to these 2. SD is younger but has been babied her whole life, she will cry when shes told she has to go to the dentist and to this day at 8 years old has never been which i think is bad parenting.
Anyway this is just a little back story i am going to be posting more blogs and if anyone has any comments or questions then i am happy to answer.
My most recent issue to cause this though is to say that i have had a horrible chat with my OH last night to say that i think we are all falling apart, and when he moves out its going to be us connected as a couple but the kids dont give a damn if they see us again. He couldnt say anything because he knows fine well i am right.
So i thought i need another platform to vent and express my feelings and maybe receive some advice.
Thanks for reading.
Tx
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Comments
So
BM won
Don't i know it, but honestly
Don't i know it, but honestly past caring now to be honest. I have told him i already know our relationship will suffer with each others kids and with each other and soon it will be back to me and my boy living our same life and him going back to being her bitch and going down that hole again
You have a pre-teen of your
You have a pre-teen of your own. Do you really need all this drama? My advice is that if you break up, no big loss, but if you stay together, look up disengagement. When a stepmom overfunctions for weak bioparents, she is usually despised for her efforts.
I couldn't agree more with
I couldn't agree more with the overfunction part. I understand it would be a difficulty with different parenting styles but sometimes even OH is the same with his kids they can do no wrong younger one gets babied so much it drives me insane and when older one gives attitude it's just "his age" but quite happy to make comments on my kid. I have over functioned to the point i am so done and it is effecting my realtionship with him as well which isn't good.
Maybe it's time for him to
Maybe it's time for him to find his own place and live his life with his kids as he sees fit (your home is yours, right?). You can continue your relationship but it would be a sight less stressful for all involved. Let's face it, your two families are deeply incompatible.
I don't like the fact that he thinks it's his job to discipline your child either. Especially when he won't discipline his own.
Well that is in place but we
Well that is in place but we were still trying to be "blended" but I completely agree with living separate lives however I think that's basically writing the end for us because it's not what we initially wanted. However a lot of shit has happened over these last few years and a lot of anger and resentment too.
I agree and that's one thing we both have argue about because I used the words "when you can discipline your kids then do it with mine" was a tough fight but I stood by it.
it's just really hard situation to be in I honestly wish I could go back to the start I wouldn't have even started it.
OH had been a great influence on my kid until recently, and with each other it has been a great relationship better than previous but this has out massive strain and it's only got worse these last 6months or so. Or maybe I've just noticed more
Been there.
Been there.
One thing I'm realizing is
One of the things that irks me is having to witness maladaptive parenting styles which negatively affect me since I have to not only witness it but live in the dysfunction and even worse is when these types of bio parents are delusional, refuse to acknowledge the problems their/their kids behavior cause, and refuse to improve
Thank you for your reply i am
Thank you for your reply i am so shocked at the turnout of everyone hoenstly thought i was such a monster for thinking this.
I 100% regret letting him move in as quick as i did but i was stupid and in love, i still am to be fair he is an amazing guy but this parenting has really effected us. Both he and BM refuse to properly dicipline their kids and wonder why they are such brats but he makes no issue if my kid misbehaves, Perfect example my boy is now in high school and struggled with fitting in and got sent out of ONE CLASS and my partner was honestly like right well if it happens again there will be no phone or no playstation. On this same day his kid refused to get up out of bed and refused to go to school hadnt been all week but not one thing was being said. So i spoke to my OH about it and said to him if you want to punish my kid then start with your own first i am sick of them being treated different. His attitude is "Well if she wont punish them at hers im not doing it as they wont want to come here" So the kids win because neither one is doing it!
Yep
Fell into this same trap 19.5 yrs ago. I would never cohabitate again and highly discourage anyone from doing it despite being sooooooooooo in looooooooooooooovvvvvvve (TM)
"He's sooooo amaaaaaaaaziiiiinnnng" quickly falls flat with:
1. Guilty/Disney Daddy non parenting and overspending.
2. Getting defensive about their ferals while looking through an electron microscope at YOUR kids trying to find the tiniest infractions.
3. Ex-shrew HCGUBM calling all the shots and controlling everything from afar. After all, he ALLOWS it and is scared crapless of his ex due to her power over the ferals.
4. Mini spouse syndrome. His ferals have 0% responsibility/accountability and 100% authority. You have the exact opposite. His ferals have A.S.S. Adult Spousal Status.
To be fair the A.S.S thing
To be fair the A.S.S thing has tried to happen but I swiftly put my foot down at it. If I tell them to do anything and they huff or puff or look at OH I get them all told because I expect my kid to follow same rules.
this is the issue though they have no boundaries or rules in BM house she's more interested in being the one they want to stay with so let them away with murder whereas in my house they have a routine and if they make mess they clean it or if they want pocket money they earn it.
also the initial plan was him move closer to them to help with school etc then eventually move back but that's not happening anytime soon
When you have unruly brats
When you have unruly brats and a BM who can't control them or handle her own affairs, things go one of two ways:
1. The dad does double duty making up for the inept BM (this involves running over there to solve all her problems for her) .
Or
2. Dad takes the kids on his time and let's BM sink or swim with his child support on her own time.
You have dad #1. Ideally you'd want dad #2, But remember even with dad #2 there are problems... BM could get so fed up with the situation that she dumps the kids off to go live with dad full time.
The point is this guy has himself chained to a lazy, inept woman who will never pull her own weight. She and the kids are going to be an anchor on your life. Do you want that?
Honestly thank you as i did
Honestly thank you as i did need to hear this. We have been having chats about it lately but the more this goes on the more i am resenting them all. I am just feeling so stuck
You are NOT Stuck
Make sure you do NOT get pregnant and start your exit plan. Speaking from experience it is SO not worth it.
1000000% not, we both never
1000000% not, we both never wanted any more kids anyway
Welcome to Steptalk!
I reccomend reading around here a bunch. What you have going on is more common than you might think. Vent away as much as you need to.
Luckily you are not married and even more luckily you do not share a child with this man. So, whatever happens/is happening just remember - love is NOT enough.
After reading through this site and the forums, I feel you will have a better idea of what type of advice you will be looking for.
SO, my background is pretty much laid out in my blogs over this past 6 plus years. Im 10 years in. I have a Toxic Troll lazy-a$$ BM, and two skids - SD24 Feral Forger and SD17 Power Sulk. Powersulk has been fine the past few months - its about 7 more months until the mandatory visitation ends and my husband is kind of a Disney Dad who has given up on the parenting end. Hes a Disney-Warehouse Dad. He provides but doesnt really parent. No repercussions for anything and no real guidance...and Ive spent the better part of the past few years disengaging.
Disengaging is a big part of what we do and advise here on Steptalk. Other sites "out there" call it NACHOING. As in "nach-yo kid nach- yo problem". Or here "not your circus, not your monkees..."
Disengaging has many levels and nuances, but its basically what you have started to do once you got tired of having the responsibility for kids without having the authority. Being the "fill in" parent. Word of caution, if your partner is defensive when you try to parent HIS kids, you WILL become the scapegoat for everything. Disengage parenting his kids. Focus all your parenting on your bio.
Again - welcome to steptalk.
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the reply. I have already started to disengage. What annoys me the most with him is when i tell him that his kids have done something wrong he then cannot wait to tell me when my kid has stepped out of line. I am not here to admit my kid is the perfect child he surely is not but he is better than them in the case of he goes to school, he is good in school, he behaves and haves a good group of friends, he respects me. The worse thing he does is leave a mess lol but my stepkids... never do as their told, and when i tell them to do something they actually look at OH as if " is she kidding" because god forbid they clean their own room or god forbid i tell them to do anything!
Perfect example today, my kid came in living room while i was watching TV and had his tiktok on, (rule is if they want to watch their phones in livingroom they use their headphones because it is so frustrating like a power of the volumes and can't hear myself think) , instantly my OH went "EARPHONES". Then SS came in, watched about 8 videos before he realised and said earphones...did he listen? of course not, then put it back on 2 mins later, We literally had to tell him 4 times then he huffed and walked out. It isnt brand new information he gets told every week! Then SD came in when i was in the toilet and she was watching her phone and as soon as i came in thats when she was told. So i said infront of them all, see if you dont like the rule then leave your phone in your room or stay in your room and quit the huffing or here is an idea "DO AS YOUR TOLD". OH wasnt happy because i had an attitude! Can never win honestly and it is making me resent him the way he goes.
Love is not enough
Imagine it getting worse and worser over time...project all this into your future.
The seeds are being sown, and when all the children reach adulthood and yours is succeeding in life and his are selfish entitled adult brats with not much going for them, you will then be able to say "see what happens?" then you will be his shoulder to cry on when he sees the error of his ways.
Love is not enough...
Love this reply! My SS is
Love this reply! My SS is oldest and has no intention of going to college or even getting a decent job after school. He's almost leaving and attendance is as low as 30% at school at this point the school are only interested in him passing main exams... but still gets spoiled rotten. Not at school? That's cool go out and play with your pals here's a £10 for food.
and wonders why he's doing so bad.My bio kid also in high school 98% attendance and is already working towards going to college to do a career he's dreamed of. What baffles me most is OH doesn't even blame BM either they both blame everyone else but themselves
YSD stands for Youngest Step
YSD stands for Youngest Step Daughter. OSD would be oldest. DH stands for Dear Husband. No idea what OH stands for. I use S.O. for significant other. Let your SO go running back to enable his spoiled ex. You and your kids will have a better existence with him and his kids not being there. I highly recommend getting your own life and not being involved with your SO.
I don't understand what his ex does...she doesn't work, doesn't deal with the kids...what does she do?
Thank you I'm assuming OH
Thank you I'm assuming OH means Other Half that's what I been using anyway lol.
BM does nothing but sit on couch. All day. She doesn't tend to leave the house because of weight anxiety, no issue going to pick up her wine when kids are at ours though.
no issue having now the 5th boyfriend stay with her either (who also doesn't work) but goes mental when we both say we cannot have kids half the holidays because we both work full time. My bio kid is old enough to stay in himself or he goes to his grandas but she wants us to do week on week off and we have to tell our bosses that we have kids so our works HAVE to give us that time. The woman is delusional !
when we decided that S.O will move back to be closer to kids I honestly thought we won't last it will be too hard etc but now I'm that's my aim for when he moves because I am sick fed up of this same shit everyday
Let him move back closer with
Let him move back closer with his ex. BYE BYE
Please what ever you do, dont let him move in with you. And, do not give up your place so you can 'blend' this mess.
No sure what you mean by 'living seperate lives'...care to explain?
When you are not together, you are not together. Maybe you think you are still together?
I am not giving up my place
I am not giving up my place it would be too hard anyway I own my home plus my bio kid is settled here with friends and school I would never do this to him that would just make me a terrible mum.
what I meant by living separate lives is me live mine with my kid and him with his but we are still a couple, but not the blende apart as it is clearly never going to work. However I also am aware that this is also probably not going to work which means we eventually would end up splitting.
thank you for your reply.
By the way.. also read your
By the way.. also read your other blog. From what I understand.. your SO (significant other since you are not married).. is moving out to live closer to his kids.. so he can see them more. You don't share any kids.. you have kids of your own.
Right now.. you may continue to be a couple though... is the plan?
Honestly.. this is perfect.. let him go back to being mr "beck and call " for his EX and his kids. Anyone think that his kids will improve with him being closer? no.. me neither..lol.
And let him go.. you have experienced his relationship with the ex.. they are still in one.. you are somewhat the odd one out... let him go.. you raise your kids.. find a partner that doesn't come with his issues.. or just enjoy your own company.