Can you negotiate AFTER a court order?
HCBM is convinced she's going to get full physical and legal custody even though they have had joint for over 5 years and there is absolutely ZERO reason for it to change other than that what she thinks she deserves. Even though the judge already said in the temp hearing that mom and dad are both capable of joint so she's not changing it. BM still thinks she's going to give her full everything (LOL) so it's been a struggle to negotiate anything before court because she thinks she's going to "win" so to speak.
So, she's not going to be happy with the outcome. But, chances are DH might not be happy in some area as well so wondering if once the court order is set it's set OR can things be negotiated after of both parties agree? If so, is the changes put in the order or is it more once it's done it's done?
My ex and I have a CO and have changed some things up to suit the kids needs better but we work very very well together so we just agreed on the changes but never made it official or anything. But there's no drama between us. There's nothing but drama with BM so not sure hoe (or if) this could work. Thoughts?
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They can always spend more
They can always spend more money to renegotiate a CO, though it would be better to work with a mediator and not go back through court. Just be mindful that a judge is likely going to be upset if they rule one way and your DH and BM are immediately back to renegotiating and needing a new CO signed off on.
Plus, if BM is HC, there likely will never actually be negotiations. There will be holding your DH hostage until he gives in. He needs to ask for everything he wants and settle with what he can live with, and NOT negotiate immediately and FOLLOW THE CO TO THE LETTER. Unless the CO is gravely impacting his life, he needs to learn to live with it. Sucks, but otherwise he'll ALWAYS be "negotiating" with someone whose sole purpose is to make his life difficult.
Hummm...that's a very good
Hummm...that's a very good point! Thank you
I agree that a mediator is
I agree that a mediator is money well spent. It worked during my divorce over 10 years ago. Took a whole day of back and forth but we never had to go to "court", in the sense of having a judge rule for us. It covered everything. The mediator was experienced and knew what to cover.
DH tried to mediate with her.
DH tried to mediate with her. It literally went nowhere. All she did was complain about all she has done as a mother and how dare he start a lawsuit. They couldn't even start the negotiations because she literally just complained until the mediator said "clearly you need to go in front of s judge"
Yeah, you can't mediate with
Yeah, you can't mediate with a high conflict person.
I thpught my ex was high
I thpught my ex was high conflict, but at least he wanted a somewhat normal life. Some of these people seem to have no life outside of using their kids to create drama and get paid for it!
Once the CO is given by the
Once the CO is given by the judge, that's it unless you go back.
Our experience was that the attorneys will pressure both sides to settle before court. If she won't agree to joint, he should just go ahead to court and take what he gets. Then, as Lt. Dad said, follow the CO to the letter, don't take or ask for any changes, even if they seem to benefit you. She is right that BM will keep trying to take more and more.
BTW, rarely is anyone happy with a CO. No one ever gets everything they want.
ETA: I thought you were disengaging from all of this? (I do know how hard it is to do).
I have stepped back for sure!
I have stepped back for sure! But yeah, to step back 100% is hard! Lol!
Realistically the CO will be
Realistically the CO will be updated at the kids grow and their needs change, but most courts are going to have them go through mediation again before they will see a judge to rule on anything. With BM being high conflict, buckle up you might be surprised at how often your DH ends up in court.
and... sometimes you have to
and... sometimes you have to decide whether you want to be "right".. or whether you want to be happy.
Sometimes avoiding the fight is worth it for mental health and financial reasons... you can't litigate everything.. your husband (with your input as appropriate) may need to decide what his hills to die on are.. and just let some things go.. even if it means she is getting her way.. frustrating as that may be.. your household will be happier if not in a constant battle in court.