No, you aren't being oversensitive. Pick up take-out for one on your way home, take care of your animals and go to bed. Don't bother doing anything for him.

I think that Tog's idea to pick up takeout on the way home (eat it before you get home too).. and then be "too tired" to do anything but the bare minimum of pet and laundry for yourself.  Yes.. I might even become petty and wash only my own clothing.. leaving everything of your DH's in the laundry hamper... 

Obviously, it would be best if you could broach this subject with him.. ask why he appears to feel "put upon" when you ask for him to step up taking care of basic household needs.. that benefit both of you.  But barring that.. I might do just what benefits me.. and let him figure it out 

DH should be carrying his fair share around the house. That isn't too much to ask since he lives there too. I agree you should just do what needs to be done for yourself if he is going to be unfair and not agree to help out.

My husband works outside the home in c9nstruction. Often leaves at 630am and comes home 630 pm.

Technically I work 7-3, from home, however my hours have been 6:30 - 5pm since the pandemic started, and I don't get paid extra.

I've also been doing mostly emails and meetings.

My husband would get home and complain that I didn't have dinner ready... used to ask what Is been doing all day and why couldn't I just get it done, takes just a few minutes to pull meat out of the freezer to thaw... peel potatoes... whatever.

He's get home and pretty much watch tv until bedtime.

Meanwhile... I'd start on dinner and get some cleaning in. By the time of sit down...it was 9 or 9:30pm... 

I should also mention I help 4 kids with online schooling, and was/am taking classes myself.

Eventually I just stopped doing everything.he got madder.

It wasn't until he had a few days off, at home, that he really saw that "emails and a few meetings" was actually much more than he thought.

Then he'd say he works physically but I sit all day so he's more tired...

Anyone who's ever managed a large group of whiny-babies knows it can be exhausting... 

After the couple days he was home, he asked me if my team was always like that...call it about stupid crap and just generally wasting my time with trivial shit... YES. Yes, it's always like that.

Since I work in HR, and with pay, things I do are often timing-critical and many nights I work much later, like 8pm.... so no... I don't always have the time to make dinner etc... I could take the time, I suppose, but that means I have to let something go.

Has he specifically told you that he does f-all all day, or is this your assumption? 

Ask him why he thinks you are his servant. Ask him if he has a disability that stops him from pulling his weight as a full time resident. Does he have some kind of disability? No? Then tell him to knock it off with his pathetic whining. Tell him what a turn off it is to live with a "man" who can't accept his responsibility. 

I work FT and DH is retired. Given COVID, that means mostly at home. He has some things he does without me asking, and he handles all household-type appointments as needed (repair guy, etc.). But day-to-day I do more. We do have a cleaning service, so that helps.

Used to be he'd do most of the cooking. But no longer. He's an excellent cook, but I'm much more adventurous and want to try new things, so I cook them. He likes almost everything I've made, too. But last night, I was beat and wasn't going to cook, especially since the trash was full and the dishwasher needed to be unloaded and dirty dishes were piling up.

About 8 pm he asked about dinner. He got "the look." That was all. I eventually fixed myself a salad. Didn't ask him if he wanted any. I'm not the Mom and he can eat or not. Either way ok with me.

Today? Dishwasher is empty because did it over lunch. Trash still full. Dirty dishes still in the sink. Guess who is not cooking tonight either?

I earn more and work more, and there is no way in holy hell that I am going to be my husband's mother or servant.

Work time Vs. housework time.

We landed on this model very early in our marriage. Work hours are from when the first person leaves forwork until the last person returns home from work.

If only one person works a career out of the home, the other person is responsible for working the same hours as the worker.  You working 12's means DH works 12's.  Since his "work" only consumes 4 of those 12 hours then he better be cleaning, cooking washing, folding, etc.... for the other 8 hours of YOUR work day until you get home.  

I have been intermittently employed for the past nearly 2 yeras. Usually I am 65-75% of our marital income. Since the environmental terrorists have demonized the O&G industry my career has taken a major set back.  We have always lived well below our means and income level so DW's successful career more than supports us.  She works insane hours and worked 1000 hours of OT in 2020.  

So... I do the majority of the household care ncluding shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc.... We each do our own laundry.  Not because I refuse to do hers, but because she does not like how I do it.  She will go nuts on the house before we have guests.  Her standard of home care for guests is far more perfectionist than mine.  I laugh, privately, after she does her pre guest ritual.  I see little difference between the house that was already clean and fairly orderly as I keep it while she is working, and her result. But I would never say that to her.  

Don' ask him, tell him.  He works the same hours you do. If that is not focused on his payed job, then it is in the home.

Keep it simple.

You aren't being oversensitive. Frankly, I agree with the above, start taking care of yourself first. Get yourself takeout, don't bring any for him. If he questions it, just be honest and say, I'm too mentally exhausted to worry about taking care of you and the household after my 12 hour shift. sorry'. 

Have you had a calm conversation with him on one of your off days about how you are feeling overwhelmed? Think carefully on a plan of conversation. Make an effort to not sound accusing (even though you really are ticked) and just lay it out that you're struggling so hard and it would mean so much to you if maybe the dogs could be walked by the time you get home. Or something you'd love him to help with. If he doesn't feel any sympathy towards you, that's that. I would stop worrying about him and worry about your own needs.