How to Get Over Resentment
Includes long backstory.
H and I have been married for 5 years, together for 8. I have no bio-children, he has 2 - a son who is 24, and a daughter who is 20. SS is the issue.
H was in the military for almost 30 years. I think he carries a lot of guilt for being away a lot, and his ex has mental problems - she is schizophrenic and has honestly been mean to the kids, was mean to him, has alienated most of her own family, etc. She actually had to do supervised visitation with them before they both turned 18 after the divorce.
Kids were 12 and 16 when we started dating. I've never had any problems with them being disrespectful to me, thankfully (a battle I see others fighting!). SD is currently a junior in college, paid for with hubby's GI bill. She plans to continue on with some kind of medical school after she graduates, and she knows it's on her to figure out how she will pay for that. I never had issues with her - she is a determined woman like I have always been, plus she was younger and I was able to see more of her growing up. SS was 17 by the time I moved in with my husband so I never really felt like he and I formed a bond.
H is a natural caretaker. He did everything for his kids, and he would do everything for me if I asked.
SS is now 24, and has never held a full time job, dropped out of community college when he was 19, and has never held a job for more than maybe 6 months. H and I had arguments about him then - because there were never any consequences for anything. H paid for everything, and SS didn't have to worry about it. Honestly, I have a brother who is in his mid-30s who has never launched. He stayed with my dad, now he lives with my sister, refuses to get a job, and just lives in her basement. I will NEVER get into a situation where I work to provide for a grown adult who refuses to.
H and I did a military move when SS was 22, and he decided he was going to move in with his girlfriend so we left him there, dropped SD off at her freshman year of college, and went on our way to our duty station. SS once again quit his job because "his boss was mean to him", and sat on his butt playing video games until his gf got tired of it and kicked him out. He had to move in with his mom (who followed us to where we were stationed) in her state-provided apartment. His car broke down, so it sat while he didn't work and finally the apartments made him have it towed off and disposed of. He got into an argument with his mother, and she had him arrested for assault. The charges couldn't be dropped. The apartment managers noticed him living there, and they tried to tell them that he was her caregiver. They ran a background check on him and saw the assault record and said he had to go. H provides him with $3000 to buy a car (this is after SS overdrew his bank account by $3000 and H was on the hook about it bc his name was also on the account).
So H tells SS he will help him with rent if he moves halfway to us and finds a roommate. SS doesn't put any effort into really looking, and ends up staying with his grandparents for a couple of months. MIL says he has to go because he's not working. So H ups and decides he's going to move SS up to where we now are (he's retired from military now and working a civilian job). He doesn't discuss with me that he's offered SS to stay with us while they look for an apartment. I'm beyond irritated and anxiety kicks in big-time because A) he didn't discuss this with me, and 
I don't want him living with us - he will never take any responsibility with us because he knows he doesn't have to.
Things get tricky, because COVID. He stays with us for a couple of weeks, but H knew he had to find an apartment for SS ASAP or things were going to be really unpleasant. In the meantime, H and I started talking to a counselor to try and work through some things. SS is a type 1 diabetic so he does have health concerns, but even at this age, he will leave the house without insulin. To me, that should be one of the top priorities but for him it's never been. Maybe that's facing his mortality and he doesn't want to?
They found SS an apartment and H had to sign for it and is paying all the bills. SS continues to do stupid young adult things like speeding and having to go to traffic court so he doesn't lose his license, and dad has to pay for it all. All this time, he says he's applying for jobs, but I have my doubts.
6 months later, H decides they need to find a different apartment that's cheaper, so they did. SS didn't bother to put written notice in to the old apartment, so guess what? H now has to pay an additional $2000 on top of the new security deposit at the new place, AND is still funding ALL of SS bills.
H doesn't like talking about SS with me, because he said he figured out a long time ago I don't like SS and H feels like I'm judging him as a parent.
We finally have had some conversations about things and last week I told him that whenever this current lease is up, we have got to stop funding SS. H and I bought our dream house in June, and there are things we want to do here, plus we would both like to retire young in 10 years. We havne't been able to put anything into savings over the last couple of months because of having to pay SS's expenses, while he lies to us about applying for jobs. H mentioned last week that he told SS to go apply for food stamps. I asked him why can't SS go work for Walmart or Target or ANYBODY who is hiring for seasonal to buy his necessities? He's asking his dad if he can do chores at our house for gas money. He is 24 years old! I asked my husband if he realizes this isn't normal. He said he went and talked to SS and told him that next year when the lease is up, that he's done - he's not co-signing another lease for him. He also told SS that if he had to choose between the two of us, he will choose me. (I have never asked that - EVER) H has threatened SS that he will be homeless before and still doesn't allow it to happen so I'm afraid it's just going to be more empty threats. If I try to open discussions about things, he says he told me his plans, and he will take care of it. SS is now applying for part time jobs - he needs to find full time work to get health insurance - we are spending $300 per month on insulin for him. He can't be on H's insurance bc it kicks dependents off at age 23 unless we buy young adult coverage.
All of this novel is to ask - how do you go about letting go of ALL of the resentment? I resent SS for giving no thought to any financial hardship he puts on us, he spends the money on action figures instead of paying his bills. I resent him for not growing up already.
I'm resenting H for coddling SS. I resent money I work for going into our joint accounts being used to support a grown adult who won't find a job. I go through periods of self-loathing for thinking these things. I wanted to love both kids because it's important to H, but I'm afraid it's too late, it's been going on for 6 years now already. I find myself thinking about how I will support myself if I need to leave next summer if he once again continues to fund SS without making SS hold himself responsible. I lived alone for 19 years before I married him, so I can do it again. I think H knows that this is it, from him telling SS if he has to make a choice he will. I also am so, so grateful I didn't have bio-kids, and that this isn't really my problem as this isn't a child - SS is an ADULT.
So many emotions, so much worry, so much everything. How do you get past it?
Your DH is the real problem
He's the one who is playing SS games and not respecting you. You should separate your money. You putting yours on yours own bank account. Let DH go broke supportig loser SS.
You should try to put your foot down to cut lost of money. If not move out next SS will be living with you because it's cheaper then living on his own
What's really interesting is
What's really interesting is that we just merged our finances in July. We kept our money separately before then. Well, we were on each other's accounts but didn't actually touch them. I have had a bit of a hard time giving up that last little bit of independence before then. H makes way more than me between his military pension and his civilian job, but it was easier to swallow when he was paying out of "his" account and not "ours".
Also I have been VERY firm that there will be no more living with us. I'm done with that portion of the program.
I've always been VERY strict on my finances to fund my retirement. It took me a little while to find a job this year after we moved back in December, but started off throwing 15% into my 401k plan to make up for what I couldn't do while wrapping up his career and moving around.
Someday I want a Guilty
Someday I want a Guilty Father to do a Ted Talk on: My Logic for Ruining my Children's Lives Because I Feel Guilty. I don't get it - if he feels guilty for not being around, how does helping his child fail at life make him feel better? It's selfish parenting, pure and simple - and it's selfish partnering to take money that YOU earned and give it to his kid.
I'd start by separating finances - not in an angry way, just in a way that says you are no longer willing to fund his failure to launch kid. You can put your money in separate accounts and each put in enough to cover any household, joint expenses. That way you can begin to save either to be on your own, or for retirement. The truth is, if your DH wanted to start making his son responsible, it doesn't have to wait until next year, it can start NOW, with a cut off for all funding, period. He's most likely eligible for Medicaid (though, Kentucky - maybe not), or he can get a job and pay for his own medication. At the very least, cut off everything except the insulin if that just seems like too much.
You know the drill, you've seen it with your brother - failure to launch adults need enablers. Without enablers, many of them finally grow up. Also, with his genetics, chances are good that SS has mental health issues. So active participation in treatment should be an expectation for any money sent his way.
I should update my profile.
I should update my profile. We left Kentucky in 2018 and I was already frustrated and wanting to post here then but we moved away and it wasn't in my face so it all kind of fell by the wayside.
Funny enough, he was on Medicaid in KY. Now that he's in MO, he couldn't get on Medicaid.
He has suffered several diabetic seizures because he won't keep up with his insulin. H has expressed worry that he has sustained some sort of brain trauma due to these seizures, as he doesn't seem to fully grasp things sometimes.
Perhaps he can get SSD then?
Perhaps he can get SSD then? Social Security Disability? Honestly - his life is at risk, I can see why DH worries. But enabling won’t help.
It takes awhile
I had 3 stepkids and assorted issues with each. Most notable is SD59, long story, but she put us thru hell living here 1 year. We now subsidize her living elsewhere and so still feel resentment. Actually, what I resent most is the theft of every precious metal in my house (silver, jewelry, even my damn baby cup) not for the worth of the objects but for the total disregard it showed after all we had done and were doing. My resentment was strong, less vivid now, but I know I will never get over it. I see her trying to suck up but I gray rock as much as possible. We separated finances over this issue so all her expenses come out of DH83's money. They are both realizing things will change when he dies and he has stage 4 prostate cancer. Too bad.
OSS57 was my favorite but had to live here for several years in his 40s due to alcoholism and depression. At the time, DH, Disney Dad that he is, didnt do what was necessary to get OSS out on his own. DH is all " scream and holler" and would get on OSS about his failings. At one point, OSS turned to me and said, " Im sorry me being here is putting you thru this". I can't remember if I said it, but I was thinking, but are you sorry enough to change? Of course, the answer would have been no. Thankfully, OSS has been gone for about 10 years, happily married and settled. Even tho he is my fave. I do still harbor some resentment for his poor choices and what they put us thru.
YSS53 has had his issues but I disengaged early and he never moved back. We have an at- length relationship that suits us both.
In short, the resentment may lessen but you won't forget it. Good luck.
Does that resentment cause
Does that resentment cause issues with your H? I feel like it has put a crack in our foundation. H is the same with all of the people he loves, he sees through very rosy colored glasses and he doesn't act like this has shaken our foundation (other than his hesitance to talk to me about SS most of the time).
I will admit, I approached it all the wrong way in the beginning when I originally saw this coming, but here we are 6 years later in exactly what I feared happening. Back then H thought my expectations were too high, he felt like once SS hit 18 I wanted him out of the house. Honestly making him take responsibility for some of his bills would have been a step in the right direction, and was exactly what one of the counselors we spoke to then told him too.
Why not provide her with
Why not provide her with housing by filing charges for the theft and providing her with a room with bars?
smh
I am so sorry you have had to deal with these failed family breeding experiments and your difficult sister.
I am shocked that you and DH subsidize a senior citizen aged spawn.
Yes
Yes, it has changed our relationship. But I don't know what else I could have done.
After I posted, I thought about my 97yo mom who is now in a nursing home. Til age 93, she was caretaker for my disabled sister. My sister had a contentious personality, a difficult person. She died last year. Every time I bring her up, Mom says,I try not to think about her ( because my sister put her thru so much). So it's not only the SKs who cause this resentment.
This kid pisses me off on
This kid pisses me off on many levels. The main one is he does not manage his disease. You are going to have to let him suffer insanely when he leaves the house without his insulin. Let someone find him on the curb, let him wake up in a hospital feeling like hammered dog shit (which he is for many reasons) and let him realize severe enough consequences from a health perspective that scare
him so severely that he cures himself of his comprehensive Cranio-Rectitis.
This is arguably my biggest pet peeve. I am a 40 year T-1 diabetic. Idiots who willfully shove their heads up their own asses and ignore this disease just piss me off. Don't get me wrong. I have had a few blood glucose crisis moments in my 40 year
T-1 career. But, I have managed my disease consistently enough that I have none of the long term consequences seen with most nearly life long T-1s.
If your SS does not get over his willful ignorance and abuse of his health he will be one miserable middle aged guy with a completely unusable penis, half blind, and missing toes...not to mention heart disease.... if not worse. The consequences can show up much earlier than middle age. In HS my SSs GF was Dx'd as a T-1 when she was 16mos old. At 15 she could not feel her feet, had multiple hypoglycemic episodes nearly every day,
i was fortunate. I was not an idiot when I was a young diabetic and I learned very early that extremely high blood glucose is hell, and low blood glucose is immediately dangerous.
As tragic as it is for a parent to watch a child kill themselves slowly and make decisions that will adversely impact their lives forever, kids have to be left to suffer the fullest extent of the consequences that their idiocy earns them. If not, they will never learn.
BTW, an insulin pump will help counter SS's idiocy. It is pretty much impossible for someone to leave the house with an empty Insulin pump. Combined with a CGM (Continuous Glucose Monitor) system a pump pretty much idiot proofs Blood Glucose management.
The same model applies for the rest of SS's idiocy. You have to let him crash and burn. Hopefully that happens so he can gain clarity before he kills himself or destroys his live beyond recovery.
Brilliant
Rags, you are part of the reason I lurk on here. Your responses are brilliant, funny and insiteful.
second that
I love Rags's respoonses! He is a kind, loving guy who is not afraid to tell it like it is.
Admittedly I don't really
Admittedly I don't really know a lot about diabetes and its management. He does have an insulin pump, but somehow manages to leave his apartment with not enough in the reservoir. SD asked once why don't we just keep a bottle here for him, and I told her no - he needs to start taking responsibility for himself, it's not our job to coddle him when his health should be 100% the first thing on his mind. (I'm not saying that to be cruel - if he did take an active interest in staying on top of his health, absolutely having an emergency bottle here would be okay - I'm just tired of him relying on Dad to take care of everything so he doesn't have to).
He's doing it deliberately..
He's doing it deliberately.. He's trying to scare you but doesn't seem to understand that he's risking his life. Idiot that he is.
This. He is doing it on
This. He is doing it on purpose so your husband continues to take care of him. And by take care of him, I mean PAY for him.
OP, my guess is your husband will maybe "try" to cut him loose in a year, but he will end up hospitalized and that will be the end of that. I hope I am wrong...but....
Sadly even technology won't
Sadly even technology won't fix the willfully stupid.
I worked in school nursing
I worked in school nursing for many years and some parents of diabetic kids will really baby them and overcompensate to the point that there are kids in high school who won't test their own blood sugar or give themselves an injection. Sometimes, too, the kids will "rebel" and purposefully raise their sugar to avoid school or just out of anger that they can't be like everybody else. I don't think they grasp the seriousness of their condition because the adults around them don't want to scare them or make them feel bad. Rags is right about the complications, though. I've seen adults with blindness, on dialysis, and who have to have both feet amputated because they basically rot off. Not to mention the impotence, which may be the only thing to scare SS, but it's real! Someone along the way did your SS a major disservice. This will be a lifelong problem and it will get worse over time as the complications accumulate. This is a situation where IMO scare tactics would benefit him. He needs to see his future if he doesn't take control of his life.
Yes, diabetes is an excellent
Yes, diabetes is an excellent way for a kid to control the entire family.
OP, ask your duh who is going
OP, ask your duh who is going to take care of his son when he is gone seeing as he hasn't ensured that he is equipped for independent life... Or is he banking on his son dying before him?
Dammit, hit him with brute reality because clearly nothing else is working.
Thank You All!
Thank you all for the responses, you have taken a lot of burden off of me for hating myself for feeling these feelings and thinking I'm being unreasonable. This has helped me tremendously and I WILL be sticking to my guns on this issue.
Casey 76, the situation you
Casey 76, the situation you are in with your DH and SS sounds like a nightmare. For whatever reason, your SS doesn't want to take any responsibility for himself and he seems quite manipulative.
Have you and DH ever just sat him down and asked SS what the hell the problem is?? I mean who has the time and energy to deal with his bs??? Better yet, who in their right mind would want to deal with it?????
You said "H doesn't like talking about SS with me, because he said he figured out a long time ago I don't like SS and H feels like I'm judging him as a parent." This statement your DH made is bs. He doesn't like talking about his son with you because HE knows he raised a worthless piece of shit and doesn't want to take responsibility for it. Your DH's enabling ways have created this problem. I agree with the poster above, your DH is the problem. How can he be such a hard working man who didn't teach his son those same values? Isn't he ashamed to be enabling this loser? So what does your DH plan to do, forgo marital plans and happiness with you so he can continue to coddle his adult son? That seems beyond selfish to me.
It sounds like your DH dated and then married you without cleaning his life up first. If he plans to take care of his adult son forever then he should have at least been honest with you from the beginning. He didn't. So, I would be beyond livid.
My now ex tried to pull the same bs on me. Then tried to make excuses about it as if that was going to make me stay. I have adult kids who are independent and no way in hell was I being in a relationship with a man who had adult kids who didn't work to support themselves but used their dad as an atm. They were disrespectful, entitled, users, and manipulators who not only hadn't seen him in years, but did zero for him even when he was ill.
This message board along with other things helped me realize my ex was the culprit. I broke up with him prior to finding this board, but several members here helped me undoubtedly understand I had made the right decision. Dealing with someone else's troubled non-functioning adult kids was just too much baggage to deal with imho. I saw a statement someone made on the board that said "not my mess, not my stress." I agree 1000%.
IA
I won't try to make excuses for my H but I do try to remember that when we got together SS was 17, so I don't know that H thought he would still be having to support SS 8 years later. We went through several years of SS started to go to community college to be an engineer and couldn't handle it so he failed out. He was working at Walmart at that point. We moved, and he decided he wanted to go to be a mechanic. It took me 8 months to find work when we moved so I was home all the time and saw when he just didn't go to class, so he failed out again. H would allow SS's girlfriend to come and visit and stay at the house for several days at a time (she lived 8 hours away), and it irritated the absolute HELL out of me because he was being rewarded for not doing at the basic minimum what he should have been doing. I think he worked at an Amazon warehouse for a little while, but it was seasonal and they let him go after that. Then he worked as a restaurant host VERY part time (they would give him like 10 hours per week usually). He got a new girlfriend who had a good job at the bubble wrap plant in Louisville, and he ended up moving in with her, she got him a job there, and he got fired for constantly being on his phone. Then he had the other job that he quit bc of his boss, and didn't make efforts to get a different job and the gf ended up breaking up with him and kicking him out.
I actually have really old emails from around 2013 when H said he was going to move him back in with us and "put a boot in his ass" to get him in the right direction. 7 years later, here we are. I love my DH, he is a really generous and loving man to those he loves, but I'm afraid these feelings of resentment I have are slowly eroding that away, and I know he feels it/knows it too. SD said she was coming down from college on Friday bc SS's current gf is in town (she lives in FL and has traveled here 3 times this year to visit with him). H told her that it would probably be best if she went over to SS's apartment to visit and not to plan to meet up here (H is out of town on a business trip so it's just me). He knows I've about hit my limit with SS.
One thing that did make me scratch my head was that H tried to throw in my face back in Feb when we were fighting after he invited SS to come stay with us without discussing it with me that SS is "not like your brother. At least he's trying." OK - I have NEVER made excuses for my brother, never paid any of his expenses, and will never have him living with me, so I'm not entirely sure what point he was trying to make there. I just kinda laughed it off as a pitiful attempt to make a stab at me. *shrugs*. SS is NOT trying, in my opinion.
I have done so much googling of this over the years,and it frankly scares the shit out of me how many parents are subsidizing their adult children into their early 30s or beyond. From somebody who moved out at 19 and worked 2-3 jobs at a time and got their bachelor's and master's (took me a long time but my employers paid for it all so I have no student loan debt), I just do not understand not doing what needed to be done to survive.
Honestly it's also not fair to SD because her brother is getting all of this money and she's not. I mean she's got his GI bill, but that's not like it costs us anything out of our pockets for her to have that to pay her expenses. Maybe some things will come up once she graduates, but she's aware that her post-secondary path is on her to figure out, and she plans to look into joining the military herself.
I just have so much pent up hostility and resentment, and it helps so much to talk with other people who have been in the same types of situations.
As long as you play SS games
Nothing will change. He's an adult. If he can take care of his medical issues by himself. He can find a job. Most other people do it. Your DH spending money on his SS is not wright, helping him is one thing, supporting him is another. This shows no respect for you.
You are the little wife who has to only know what he wants you yo know. Or spends. You must put your foot down. You must set up a plan where the money gets cut off in three months. That gives him three months to find a real job get some savings.
unlesd you stop this SS is going to be 50 and you will be supporting him in your retirement
Casey76, some of these men
Casey76, some of these men/fathers are definitely generous and loving men to those they love. However, that is not always a good thing, as many of us have seen when it comes to their troubled non-functioning kids. Unfortunately, they can live in denial, be enabling, and start saying outlandish stuff to their partners. Your brother has absolutely nothing to do with this situation. Sounds like your DH was being defensive and is in extreme denial if he really believes his son is trying.
I agree with you, your SS isn't trying at all. If DH feels like his son is trying, I would want him to elaborate. You said your SS has dropped out of college on more than one occasion, never had a full-time job, has had to live with other people, and has his father paying his rent and bills. The reality is that he is 24 years old and hasn't accomplished anything. My ex's then 24 year old daughter has a similar life path as your SS except she has always lived at home with her mom with the exception of the few times she lived on campus (but either dropped out or got kicked out of different colleges for poor academic performance).
I am a college graduate too, as are several of my friends and family members (and members of this board). I could see through his daughter's bs from the beginning. Of course he didn't want to listen. She recently dropped out or got kicked out of college again, of course after he forked over thousands and thousands of dollars. He wanted her to have a college degree so bad, I think he would have bought her one if possible. Smh.
She would expect my ex to take care of her like they were in a relationship. Even then, she would still go around looking for other family members to give her handouts/pay her other bills. She is 25 now, almost 26. So when you say it scared you when you googled and found out so many parents subsidize their adult kids into their early 30s and beyond, I get it. I later found out my ex's other kids who go up to I think age early 30s also regularly call for money but no where near the amounts he was giving his younger daughter, the 25 year old.
You said "From somebody who moved out at 19 and worked 2-3 jobs at a time and got their bachelor's and master's (took me a long time but my employers paid for it all so I have no student loan debt), I just do not understand not doing what needed to be done to survive." My understanding from others on the board is that these are coddled kids who are spoiled and entitled because either one or both of their parents made them that way. They don't have to worry about survival because dear old dad has them covered. Unfortunately, no one thinks of what will happen if dear old dad dies before them.
There have been many valid points brought up.
Not the least of which is your SS's diabetes. My SO's daughter was diagnosed with T1 at 6 yrs old and I think it completely changed the entire dynamic of the family structure and eventually led to divorce and other disasters.
From what I can figure out once SD was diagnosed the entire focus of the family was on her and managing her disease. She grew up knowing she was "special," knowing her life was deemed more precious than others, and knowing she was entitled to be on a pedestal. Her parents and maternal grandparents are to blame for this, including my SO.
They should have sought family counseling and figured out a way to manage her disease in a healthy way, not make it the sole focus of everyone's existence.
SD is completely entitled and remains that way to this day. It is all about her, all the time. Her brother was completely shoved aside and essentially ignored. He got used cars, was constantly criticised and treated like a mongrel dog begging for scraps. He has been completely estranged from the entire family and I believe it will remain that way. I don't blame him.
Unlike your SS, my SO's daughter is a trust fund baby so she gets anything and everything she wants all the time. She has had her apartments, expensive brand new cars, large primary home and ocean-side vacation home fully paid for by her maternal side trust fund.
Of important note is that my SO is my SO - I did not, and will never, marry him. I saw the writing on the wall within a few years and did not want to be in a situation where I was co-mingling my financial future with him.
Too bad there is not a "thumbs down" option.
smh
T-1 seems to more often than not consume the dynamic of families that are hit by having a member with a T-1 Dx. I was fortunate. My parents did not make our family life about my disease. They made it clear. It is MY disease, it is not the family's disease. They were extremely supportive, but they held me accountable for my choices regarding the management of my disease.
I owe them my life. Because they actively supported me and held me accountable for owning my disease rather than the disease owning me... and the entire family. Next month will be the 40th anniversary of my Dx and I have all of my body bits in place and they all work just fine. My original Endo thought that I had probably become diabetic in late Sept or early Oct. I went from ~160Lbs to 112 between becoming diabetic and being Dx'd a couple of months later.
I have been fortunate. I had great Docs and parents who would not abide any idiocy from me regarding my disease. I was Dx'd at 16. At 56 I have no complaints or regrets. Except for Cheese Cake. I regret the absence of Cheese Cake in my life.
You have hit the double-jackpot in life, Rags.
Great parents and a great spouse! The fact your parents made you responsible for your disease was probably a life-safer for you.
You are in better shape at your age than my SD who has retina problems, multiple kedoacidosis episodes, has had diabetic-related hospitalizations, and almost lost her life and the baby's during her pregnancy. I know not all of it can be strictly controlled but she has been notorious for being flippant about her disease and thinks she's invincible.
If I could, I'd send you a piece of key-lime cheesecake ... with whipped-cream on top!
Thanks.
Sugar free of course....
Probably the ones who infuriate more than all others are the "I eat whatever I want and just take more insulin" morons. It does not work that way. A healthy non diabetic's body will regulate their Blood Glucose levels very steadily between ~85mg/dl and ~135mg/dl regardless of what is eaten with spikes above 120mg/dl being very rare. A half gallon of ice cream binge, 5cups of pasta and a flood of awesome sauce, half a dozen Cokes a day, etc, etc, etc..... Even with RDNA produced analog insulins, which are basically identical to what a non diabetic produces, using top the the line insulin pump and CGM technologies or manual MDI protocols there is a notable delay in BG response compared to a non diabetic. Studies have determined that massive rapid BG swings are nearly as detrimental to long term T-1 or T-2 health as long term elevated BG is.
I have given away a dozen or more copies of my go to Diabetes management reference since I was first introduced to it about 22 years ago. I get no benefit from buying a few copies of this book every 5 years or so other than handing them out to people who are struggling is my equivelent of beating them over the head with a copy of the book. They may not read it, but... if I hand them a copy their choice to not read it and not follow it is no one's fault but their own.
Here is a link to the book. Quite a bit of the book can be read on this web site through the Read Online tab.
Again, I have no skin in the game with this book. Other than keeping my toes, my eyes, and maintaining a healthy sex life with my incredible bride after 40 years of this disease. Not to say that things still work quite as well as they did when I was in my teens, but... they still work just fine.
The author is an MD who is also a nearly life long T-1. He was Dx'd at ~12yo, became a degreed engineer, did a multi-year engineering study on himself and his BG management corelated to his intake of different foods. He attempted to have his findings published in the prevailing professional publications (JAMA, NEJOM) and for the ADA and JDF to recognize his studies. All refused. So he quit his his highly successful corporate executive position when he was 42 to go to Med School. No one wanted to look at his study data, that he continually updated throughout Med school. On the day he graduated he resubmitted his study write ups and he was instantly hailed as the greatest diabetes innovator in decades. He is now in his mid 80s. There are not many survivors of t his disease who have had it for more than 71 years, much less survivors with all of the body bits, their eyesite, and who can feel their toes and other extremities. Dr. Bernstein is incredible.
http://www.diabetes-book.com/
Whether It Be Right or Wrong
Another thing that has always kind of bothered me is that when I met H, I had been on my own and owned my own house, and we got married when I was 38 so I was pretty well set in how I liked my quiet house. We all moved in together for about a year, and already I was unhappy because SS would have people over after I told him he needed to ask permission to have people over, and H was fine with SS having his gf sleep over. I hated it. For one thing, he would loan her his car and she would come over and use the garage door opener and come in like she lived there. I put a stop to that.
We moved 8 hours away, and it wasn't a big deal for a while, his gf drove down a couple of times and stayed for a weekend. The job-hopping, laziness, etc all started in. I was frankly relieved when we left KY, knowing he was staying in that state, living with his gf, and we were dropping SD off at college so it was going to be a quiet house again. SD's bf turned 18 about 3 weeks before we moved so H let him stay over a couple times too and I hated that just as much, lol.
We moved to H's house in AZ that he still owned from his previous marriage, he planned to retire there eventually but then he got divorced, etc. I never really felt like I had much say because it was his house, even though he never made me feel that way. It didn't really matter though because we were only there a year.
He retired, we moved back home, rented a townhouse. He knows it was a screwup to invite SS to live with us without discussing it with me, I made sure to bring that up in one of our counseling sessions, too.
We bought our dream house this summer, and I've made it EXPLICITLY clear that there will be no one living here with us. SD rents an apartment year round at school, she plans to stay there until she graduates, then join the military or pursue her post-secondary education. I have felt like a bit of a control freak about this, and honestly we could save a lot of money if SS lived here, but the cost of losing my mind seeing him loaf around all day would be more expensive than what H is currently paying.
I have a feeling H will try to slide on not continuing to subsidize somewhat next summer, but I have resolved that I'm putting my foot down on this. I have feared that people would think I was the evil stepmother and trying to make Dad choose between the new wife and his son.....but this isn't a CHILD. It's a grown ADULT.
IMHO you are in exactly the
IMHO you are in exactly the right place in how you are dealing with the adult Skids. Stand your ground.
You and DH are on the precipice of a great rest of your lives together. Adult kids should never be tolerated in disrupting the lives of their parents, particularly their parents retirement lives and resources.
My DW and I have the opposite problem with my parents. My mom and dad are always proposing that DW and I retire and move home to live with my parents. "You have plenty of investments to retire on. Particularly if you have no living costs. So, move home. Hang out with us........."
It really isn't as insane as it sounds. My parents like my DW more than they like me. My mom and DW are BFFs, my dad is my DW's favorite person, and she is his (aside from his bride). We all get along great. We have used each other's homes as home base during international careers. Before they built their retirement home mom and dad used our home as their US home base. They built a 6BR, 4BA 5000/Ft^2 home. I think their intent was for all of us to move in. My brother, his wife, their 3 kids, DW & I and our son (SS who I adopted) and any whoops babies that may have arrived. I am kidding, but only just barely. While we were working internationally their home was our US home base.
My DW and I have owned some large homes. Not by design. We tend to find great deals on large homes. Our first home was a 3/2 1400/Ft^2 new construction. Not large, but plenty for the three of us. Our next home was also new construction but 6/3.5 3200/Ft^2... still for only three of us. We bought that one for $57/Ft^2. It was a screaming deal. The next one was 4/2.5 3000/Ft^2, on a lake in a gated community. Also a great deal. A large home is a waste for us. If there is a gathering, it is at mom and dad's. So.. on our retirement home, which we bought mid year of 2018, we went with comfort for us. 2/2.5 with a study 2200/Ft^2. Open concept, upgraded finishing, gated community, villa lot line.... A nice comfortable though small en suite guest room. We love guests, we just do not want long term guests. We do not have the drama of several adult failure to launch Skids/kids. We have a well launched single spawn who has zero need for support from us.
Keep the message firm with your DH, his adult children WILL NOT jeopardize your retirement lives together.
Enjoy!
Our house is bigger than we
Our house is bigger than we really need, we have 2 guest rooms. I'm very careful to refer to them as the "guest rooms" and I will get them decorated how I want them so they remain guest rooms. We wanted land, and this house came with 10 acres at a price point we could live with, so we bought it. Our hopes are to have it paid off in 6-7 years, and then both of us retire from full time work in 10 years (both of us will be under 60) and just go part time.
The money he is spending on SS could be used to pay down the house or do the renovations we want. That's what I told him the last time we talked about this, that the money he is spending is going to start affecting the things that HE and I want, and that's not okay. I also told him my philosophy is not that I work so somebody else doesn't have to. I work for what I want, not to throw it away on somebody else who doesn't want to.
Congrats on the house Casey76
Congrats on the house Casey76! You are so very right, that money should be spent on the house.
You said "I also told him my philosophy is not that I work so somebody else doesn't have to. I work for what I want, not to throw it away on somebody else who doesn't want to." I agree with this philosophy too. If an adult kid doesn't want anything in life, why should a parent sacrifice for him or her?
I've decided also I'm going
I've decided also I'm going to sit down with H and tell him he needs to put into a spreadsheet every penny he is spending on SS. When it comes times to cut off the funding I want black and white figures for him to face up to as to how much he's already spent.
I can't believe it hasn't come to me before but I'm horrible at perceived confrontations. When he sees that he's given SS easily $20k over the past couple of years, it's going to be much easier to make him face it.
Your DH seeing how much he
Your DH seeing how much he has given SS will help him face it. However, do you really think it will change anything? The unfortunate part is some of these fathers refuse to quit being enablers, no matter how detrimental it is to their adult kids or their significant other. Have you thought long and hard about what you will do if your DH chooses to keep enabling his adult kid?
I do agree with you though that him giving SS so much and not doing the same for SD is unfair. I also think it's problematic.
Yes
I have been thinking about that. I already know I can take care of myself, so if it comes down to it, a separation might have to happen. He readily agreed to the spreadsheet and also to tell me whenever he gives him money and what it is for.
I'm actually meeting alone with our counselor tomorrow to work through some of these feelings.
If you learn how to get over
If you learn how to get over the resentment - as you asked in your post - please let me know.
I had a similar situation with SS who is now 27. I married his dad and moved in with them when SS was 17. He lived with us until he was 24. He was the laziness kid ever and I blame DH. SS insisted on going to a college I knew he wouldn't survive in and sure enough, because DH co-signed a loan, we were stuck with a $40,000 student loan which we are still paying. We fought over having him pay anything towards it, even $25 a month. DH resisted. Right now DH is terminally ill and we are still paying this loan. SS never offered to help and right now is living with his mom and has a decent paying job as an aide in a nursing home. It helps that he is states away and I don't have to see him in person but I will never not resent his selfishness and DH's lack of parenting due to guilt. Even tho the bio left them,
Ugh
I know not everything is about money, but that would almost certainly be a deal breaker for me. That is a LOT of money. I'm so sorry you got stuck with that, and the lingering feelings. If/when your H passes, will you still have to keep paying on it?
I'm at the point where I resent the hell out of SS, but I also am starting to resent my H, too.
H has co-signed on the apartment lease they just signed in September, so he's on the hook to pay the rent through then and the utilities too I guess because I'm sure that's part of the lease agreement.
A local heating/AC place here has paid training and helps get their techs certified. I told H about it and he told SS about it. An open house was yesterday. I asked H if SS went, he said he didn't know and SS probably forgot. I told him SS has a phone he can set reminders on, and forgetting is not an excuse we're going to accept any more. It's so flipping sad, but I told him that if SS isn't going to do what he's supposed to be doing, then he gets no gas money. Unless he's getting groceries, medicine, or going to job interviews, he doesn't need to be driving to his friends', or shopping, or whatever. 24 freaking years old and this is what it's coming to? I'm just beyond everything about this whole situation.
Because it is a federal loan
Because it is a federal loan when DH passes the loan is null and void. He had direct bill payment thru our bank which i got him to stop so I wont get stuck with it. He just approves the payment every month.
i know exactly what you are going through. Although we are states away and just DH and i now I still have resentment when something triggers me.
We did get counseling and had a great therapist who gave us assignments for getting SS to get his drivers license, a job, and launched. Like we were to have him drive with one of us in the car when he wanted to go somewhere - no more taxi service. He had to get licence by a certain date. He got it at 21 but it worked. He wasted our time and money trying to get him a career he never really wanted.
DH finally agreed to give him a deadline to move out and he just couch surfed and ended up at his mothers eventually.
His middle son came back to live with us as well during that time without my being consulted. He stayed a year. We almost divorced over him coming and going like it was a hotel.
It was an incredibly stressful time and to be honest If i had a chance for a do over i would not go down that path again.
Your SS not taking care of his diabetes
Will give him other health problems as time goes on. SS not being yo take care of his basic needs shows he not trying to be an adult. He rather have his BF take care of him. This is not going to change until DH cuts him off.
It's up to you if you want to support adukt SS. Because the money DH is giving SS you are making up because he has no money for big things. Cars, vacations.
So you are paiding for SS. DH gets himself into his own problems. As co singing a lease
So SD Came to Visit for the Weekend
Her roommate was planning to throw a noisy party so SD came here for the weekend to study. H is out of town so it was just her and I. We ended up chatting about her brother - her car battery died a couple weeks ago, and she said she feels guilty asking for any money help when she knows her brother is getting so much money right now. She's 20, and she knows something isn't right with him, and I don't think we're going to run into the same issues with her.
She did say that he told her over the summer "why would I get a job when I'm getting free money?" Now this was when he was getting COVID unemployment, which has ended, but it very well could also be true today. I had H call and talk to her because I wasn't going to get into a he said/she said situation but H needs to have it in his face that SS hasn't been taking the job hunting seriously. His first response was "well, the unemployment is gone so maybe his attitude has shifted a little." SD said he sounded almost like he was going to cry when he was telling her that he won't be paying SS's expenses next year and SS can be homeless if he wants to keep being irresponsible.
I know I'm adding friction to the marriage by insisting all of this, but honestly I don't know if I'll stop pressing. I guess at some point we can split our finances again if we need to, if it comes to that.
I got over the resentment in
I got over the resentment in time.
My DH refused to see that his son was lying and stealing from us. I mean, how many flat tires could one person have? And DH handed him cash to fix it. Oh, but it was always a good deal because SS miraculously found decent used tires. Yeah, I'm not stupid. SS was a druggie, and it was obvious to everybody except DH.
Finally, I just couldn't take it. Financial security is a HUGE issue for me, where DH is ok living paycheck to paycheck and providing handouts to "help." Fine line between helping and enabling, and DH soared over that line gleefully. DH had to choose between being SS's enabler, or living with me and turning off the money faucet.
SS, when forced to survive on his own, DID. He's been clean 5+ years and has a good job, and he's been saving to buy a house. That story would have a very different ending if I didn't insist on DH making changes. Honestly, it was easier to forgive SS once I learned more about drug addiction than it was to forgive DH's enabling behavior that negatively affected me so much. But I have. And I'm lighter for it
SS was a druggie, and it was
Do you think it was that your DH really didn't know or that he was pretending not to know? Have you ever asked him why have such a high level of denial? I mean enabling a drug addicted son could have cost his son his life from funds he provided him with.
I think at first he truly
I think at first he truly didn't know. DH would believe SS's lies. But eventually it became obvious, and then DH became so afraid of losing SS that he'd do anything for him. Which was exactly the wrong thing to do, but now with some perspective I can see that kind of desperation. DH also has a long history of enabling SS in particular, and it took SS, through his own recovery program, to recognize that and put a stop to it.
He didn't want to cut SS off from money because then he'd live on the streets or at a shelter and both options can be dangerous. I think that's a pretty normal reaction and it's really hard to be the one to get your kid to hit bottom in order to seek help. But it was necessary.
We have some close friends who are in recovery, and DH finally opened up to them. Between those friends and my insistence on financial sanity, DH finally turned his adult son's life over to his son. And it's been a great success so far.
Update
So here we are almost 3 months later an SS still has no job, at all. I've been firmer and firmer with H that when his apt lease is up in Sept, that's it. That is almost 2 full years of us paying all his bills and him not having a job. I can't expect it sooner, as H signed the apt lease and won't let it trash his credit to stop paying for it all now. But the gravy train is coming to an end, I personally don't care if he's out on the street. My resentment of him being fine with stressing his dad out and expecting his dad to pay all of his stuff has hit the limits. Yesterday I told him this last 8 months is gonna go quick. H was disappointed he cant claim SS on taxes, but since he didn't live here in our house all year and isn't a full time student, he can't (and he won't live with us again).
SS knows I don't care for him. I never interact with him, and he comes to our house very rarely. He will be 25 in May, and I'm over all of it.
Help with the Resentment
I will tell you what helped me....I was getting angry from the constant forgiveness from DH towards his SD he never took my side and though he said he would try to talk to her she would just dig her heels in and continue to be rude towards me 5 years later I had a melt down I had had enough he decided not us together that I would no longer have to engage with her nor her with me...this arrangment worked for him but did not address all my anger and resentment for being treated like that in the first place. I went to the counsoler ..she told me the only person getting hurt from the anger and resentment was me....the people who are doing this too you ...dont care.....you have always had it in you to stop ...yet you have choosen to walk around with the anger and resentment....I realised she was right ...I was only hurting myself and they didnt care...so I needed to stop..I felt alot better...I realised that my feeling though valid only were hurting myself...I still have moments if I recall a memory where the SD was a bitch...I have to practice mindfulness....tell myself stop thats the past...think of something that made me happy ....do not allow the SD to enter your head again.....Im still working on it...but I am not starting to be more positive and think about a happy future for myself if that incudes the DH is still yet to be determined...He has agreed there will be no photos of his kids in our home....I told him that is like putting salt in the wound and I want to heal...hope this helps you....dont be trapped by past thoughts...live for today and be positive for the future...
A year and a half later…
SS has been working a warehouse job for a year now. He also took over his own lease in September 2021 and mainly pays all his bills (his BM sends him money randomly). He got a new insulin pump and has health insurance now, and got a 10 year old car and car loan on his own.
all sounds good, right? Ha.
somehow this kid has a girlfriend for the past couple of years and she moved here last year into her own apartment. There are so many danger flags going up with this kid. He has rage issues. He threw her remote in her apartment and damaged the wall. He ripped the hand rail from her apartment building staircase. His old car, he was mad that he had to drive in the snow to a job he hated and the car was junk so he ripped off the windshield wiper and beat the car with it (she saw it through the window). He's shut down, berated her, then went silent when she's tried to talk to him. 2 weekends ago they were at his aunt's house for the weekend, and all the sudden he got angry with her, berated her for talking more to his sister's boyfriend than her, locked her out of the bedroom, told her he was seeing things and for her to sleep on the couch.
his BM is a paranoid schizophrenic. I suspect he has some of her mental illness, and her same reluctance to get medical treatment for it. Husband has been doing better at realizing the kid is an adult (he is 26) and SS rarely asks him for much of anything any more - it's mostly husband who reaches out.
this past weekend husband went over to help SS patch a hole in his wall (I'm sure SS put it there in one of his tantrums), and I guess the gf and he are talking about moving in together. I just cannot believe she would seriously entertain that idea. I stopped and asked husband "is she sure she wants to do that?" And I could tell from the look on his face that that threw him - like why would it even be an issue? I swear sometimes I am living in the twilight zone.
Thanks for the update
Its always hard to watch our kids grow up and manifest their weaknesses bigger, adult scale. In your case, its even harder since the weaknesses were so apparent and now you see a serious outlook, not only for him, but the GF, too. Not much you can do to avoid seeing the oncoming trainwreck. Protect your finances and remain disengaged, thats about all you can do. I just hope they dont have a baby.
On SS's insulin pump.
I was Dx'd as a Type 1 Diabetic 41+ years ago at 16yo. One thing I have always made sure of as an adult is that I am continually updating my skills so I remain appealing to top tier companies with great healt insurance benefits. If I have ever had a gap in employement we shift to the benefits provided by my DW's employer. On the on occassion that we were both on a job search I engaged ACA coverage which was refreshingly good insurnace at a moderate price when my zero income discounts were applied. Our put of pocket premiums for Gold coverage was ~$345/mo. Since I returned to work within a few months we did have to reimburse the ACA for the discounted coverage. Since my maintenance meds would be ~3500/mo without insurance, even the $1400/mo we ended up oweing for the ACA coverage was a screaming deal.
I truly hope your SS keeps his head in the diabetes management game. The consequences for failing to do so are not worth whatever short pleasant experience he may get out of poor blood glucose management choices.
I recommend that he get this book. It is my go too disease management resource and is in large part why at 58yo and 41years into my diabetes life adventure I have all of my bits and they all work. I hope your SS can keep his head in the game. Dr. Bernstein is an 85+ yo nearly life long T-1 diabetic. His knowledge and advice on managing this disease is priceless.
http://www.diabetes-book.com/
On the SS rage front. Uncontrolled diabetes and the related huge blood glucose swings can have very strong impact on mood swings. I lived a period for nearly a year where I would go from perfectly calm to uncontrollable rages at the drop of a hat. When I read a study about the corelation between blood glucose swings and precipitous mood swings, I pulled my head out and got firmly back on the wagon of BG control.
Yep, prepare for Skid Drama Season 2
JRI is right - protect yourself and your finances - and remain detached from it.
I can pretty much bet that the GF will indeed be pregnant before long and there will be an innocent baby thrown into the mix. It sounds like GF has some serious esteem issues since she is willing to put up with such awful behavior from SS.
Imagine the next thing that happens is they move in together, there is a domestic disturbance and SS will get carted off to jail. Enter your DH with bail money, attorney money, etc. Then of course GF will welcome him back (especially if she is pregnant) and before long it will be a repeat performance. Again, your DH to the rescue with bail, attorney etc. money.
Not to mention any support for the eventual SS baby. Plus, if SS's health gets really bad at some point I am sure your DH will probably want to subsidize whatever care is required above and beyond any insurance costs. I know my SO would do that; he has essentially said he'd willingly go bankrupt if he ever needed to pay SD's medical bills.
I've found that the disengaging is easy, the hard part is watching your DH go through it all - WILLINGLY! I know that my SO will not cut anyone else the kind of slack he cuts SD. His expectations for her are the equivalent of nothing; as long as he knows she is alive and breathing he is beyond happy. She can ignore him, ostracize him, etc. and any scrap she eventually sends his way is welcome with open arms. (FWIW, SD is a T1 diabetic too.)
Just be ready for your inevitable future - have your potential exit plan dusted off at all times, keep your finances to yourself and keep your support system in place.