One thing I would do is remind DH what a sacrifice he made for his family. He is away defending our freedoms. Tell him how much you appreciate his sacrifice. How proud you are of him. How being his wife and supporting him and knowing he isn't there for every little thing doesn't matter because he is defending his homeland. Remind him all.the.time. what a terrific selfless person he is.

While DH is away ask SS when he is really going to work. Maybe he could follow his father into the military. When SS says he is at work tell him that maybe he could pick up some milk while he is at work. Or is he ashamed he isn't working }:) Maybe offer (like a Mac truck) to help him find work. After all, he is home all the time. If SS whines to DH just tell DH that it isn't fair that his son gets to lay around all day in bed while his father is defending the right for him to do so. After all, what was DH doing at 20?

If that doesn't work, start looking at the downsizing plan. Smaller place, less yard work, closer to a community your own ages. And no freaking room for anyone who intends to stay more than 3 days.

I didn't know what I wanted to do when I was his age and after two years on campus, I lived with my parents the last two of college. They paid for everything. I had a job but lost it because of my class schedule and my parents still supported me after that for another year or so. Some parents are okay with helping their kids until they land a career job, some are the complete opposite and don't think they should have to pay for anything. You should definetly encourage the boy to get a job and your DH to also encourage him to get a job. I don't even understand how BM even came to ask to store her things are your home but you need to get rid of that and re-set some boundaries. Your DH seems like he just lets people run all over him, his ex and son included and that's just ridiculous. You need to make it crystal X1000 clear that the kid will not be moving with y'all next and BMs crap is not to be stored there nor is her mail.

I personally had NO SAFETY NET from my parents. Ever.

And it made me a better person. I graduated from a very good college (in three years). I later went to the number 1 business school in the world. I never paid a dime in tuition it was all scholarship.

I am only slightly above average intelligence. But I worked very, very hard. I am an overachiever.

I have very little patience with underachievers who have had everything handed to them.

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Boundaries and stick to your guns. That is the only way to make this kind of crap work IMHO.

I understand SS-20 changing majors. I did it a bunch. However, once they turn 18 kids can learn, mature and learn on their own dime and their own time.

IMHO kids do not get to pick a major, they take what they are told to take by parents unless the kid wants to pay for it all for themselves. I learned this lesson from my own 11 year, 7 school, 6 major undergrad adventure. My parents paid for the first two and last two years and I paid for the middle 7. Once they were confident I had settled in on Engineering and would complete that degree they graciously put me back on the mom and dad full ride plan. I founded a company, ran it successfully, and sold it in that 11 years and used the proceeds to fund moving states and universities and changing majors one last time to engineering. I was broke at the end of my first year of engineering school. That is when my parents agreed to put me back on the parental college payroll.

Their offer was extremely gracious and I appreciate it more 22 years after graduation than I did then and I appreciated it immensely then.

I would make sure that DH gives BM the immediate message that her stuff and her mail leave immediately and that SS-20 understands that to get any support he must be a full time student in good standing with the school and that he gets until he is 22 on the payroll then he is on his own. If he fails to maintain good standing with the school he is cut off immediately and can figure out how to fund and complete his degree on his own.

Most 18yos have no clue about job markets associated with a particular major, etc, etc, etc… That is why parents should give them very limited choices and hold the kid accountable to perform. Once they walk with the degree they can pursue their passion if the degree that they completed is not what they want to do. It is no longer the parent’s problem or responsibility at that point.

My wife and I offered to send our son (my SS-23) to any university anywhere in the world on our dime as long as he selected from a small group of degree options. Primarily STEM majors with the addition of business. He decided he was not ready and as he said to me in moment of shocking maturity “Mom and Dad, I am not ready, I know I can’t buckle down and study, it would be a waste of my time and your money.” So we turned him in to our live in beck and call boy until he enlisted in the USAF. He is now 23, is just about done with his AS-CS degree, was recently promoted to Staff Sgt, and by all appearances will re-enlist and extend beyond his current 6 year commitment which ends next year. His stated goal is to complete his BSCS and push for a 20yr USAF retirement then transition to the private sector when he is in his late 30s. His ASVAB scores (top 2%) vectored him into a technical field and all of his technical training aligns with Computer Science so that is what he is working to complete his undergrad in.

It was not exactly how we planned for him but he is navigating the journey on his own initiative (with a notable amount provided by the USAF) and his own dime (and a notable amount of benefits from the USAF) and his mom and I could not be more proud.

If I had been able to join the military (medically ineligible) I very likely would have followed a very similar path to what my kid is doing.

Stick to your guns!!!!