I suppose some perspective would be nice
Since I'm still coming from a place of anger I'd like some outside points of view.
background : stepmom of 11.5 years. SS 16 / ours bio 4.5. BM had primary SS until was 8 until she found a new bf and gave full custody to SO. SS mom is a total mess; failure to launch/partying/always fired from a job. He was raised by her parents in their home with her (barely there).
Step son has always had emotional issues , had therapy. Dad wasn't an awful parent at first. But as time went on and SS grew more bold Dad wasn't able to enforce boundaries (BM was no help telling ss we were too strict etc). Dad sucked at parenting honestly and I took on a lot SS rarely saw his mom so I thought after years of a good relationship I could take the role. BM conspires with SS to make false cps report. SS goes to BM per their plan one year for 7th grade. SS behaviors after he returns escalates. He's cursing , destroying property , violent with his dad, eventfully violent to me in front of our toddler. Aims BB gun at me and toddler out of rage and gets sent to BMs for yet another year.
SS is back very late June. I tell SO to take visitation out of the home. SS is physically dangerous , my mental health sucks, sleeping with my door locked. I'm basically done living in fear of SS for asking him to do simple everyday things like his dishes/ please don't eat all the ice cream etc. I had disengaged on and off for years.
ok so ... he's back and I'm still very very angry. A forced apology (denying the BB gun incident was given ). Finally after my weeks of insisting to SO, SS does some yard work and cleans out my car as an apology.
We live apart but I've since let him in the house 3 times. I've been cordial even made two dinners and made him and his dad clean up ( another huge issue with SS and SO). So last night SS and SO come over. SS is so tired he's asking dad to leave 9 times whiny. I bite my tongue. SS is grumpy and leaves without saying goodbye. I'm so done with the disrespect. I tell SO to nip it that I will not be disrespected by SS. And our shared toddler has only seen his dad 3 times for a couple hours they deserve time kid. We live apart because of SS and his dads poor parenting too though.
ss and SO prance in today as if nothing happend. Just getting SS Birth certificate to go get him his drivers stuff going. I'm pisssed. I tell SS you disrespected me in my home last night and I will not stand for that. I snap. He yells at me tells me to fucking shut up and I should respect him. I tell him to get out of my house. I'm so mad they stopped by without telling me. SO knew this was an issue for me about the disrespect the other night.
I'm now responsible for a mad SO and ruining SS birthday today. I don't think my relationship is salvageable with either of them at this point. So much has happend. SO hasn't backed me.
but if I do try to work this out my big question after all that is ...
should I be more forgiving to an idiot 16 year old. ? I did snap. He have me a necklace the other day he bought. SO says he's trying and he'll never be to my standard. All I want is respect period. I don't need a necklace !
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You are not wrong. Your SS
You are not wrong. Your SS doesn't get to act like an asshole and demand respect, especially after telling you to f***ing shut up. Absolutely not. He is a child and children get respect when respect is earned. You have no reason to forgive or surrender to SS.
You have tried with this kid over and over again. Your SO needs to respect your efforts and respect your boundaries for not wanting SS around. Your SO isn't working to fix the issues; he is being Switzerland and letting you and SS duke it out. Your SO should not be allowing SS to speak to you that way 100%. Plus, your SO should not be allowing SS' behavior around your toddler.
Thank you
I second guess myself all the time. I was yelling but not cussing and I made sense in what I was saying. I got the fuck word from SS after I snapped. At least he listened when I told him to get out of my house.
Of course I made SOs day harder because he has to deal with SS. Too bad. I even called SO last night to get SS on the phone to apologize for his recent behavior. SO was too tired to do it and just showed up today.
I feel I have no tolerance or patience with SS. I do feel bad because he is still a child who has been poorly parented by both his parents. SS has also had lots of emotional trauma from his mom. It's hard to find the compassion balance for me sometimes. He has had me for 11 years fully parenting him in a great way. I know I'm a good parent ha ha. I ran a daycare I have a degree in early childhood education and my bio is fun to be around (other people tell me ).
SO is telling me to be more compassionate but I'm at my wits end. Probably best I stay away from this kid. I now know I'll snap at any little disrespect, which my SO finds very annoying. I just don't know if I can ever move forward with SS and that kind of has me shook up. I'd like to think I'm a forgiving person especially with a child.
Good thing
Its a good thing you're living apart. Let DH live with his problem child. I doubt you will get the apology you deserve. Just hope he passes his driver's test and is gone more and eventually launches. What's he doing always being with dad? I think I'd tell DH you and SS both need a cooling off period and not to bring him for awhile. I'm basing all this on the assumption you're not divorcing but just waiting to resume living together til SS launches.
If things have gone past that point, tell DH if you see SS again on your property, you're calling the cops because he's threatened you. I'd get the divorce moving, too.
Not married but
Together a long time. I worry about our shared child around SS chaos half time. I'm really not sure what I'll end up doing but I do feel like that decision will just get made by circumstance. SO seems over it and talks about splitting up at every argument which of course is about SS ;the center of the universe ! I also tell SO I'm ok to be alone. It's not like I'm being prioritized or ever have been. SS and his issues have been all encompassing. My bio and me have just been here!
This kid pointed a gun at your daughter.
This kid pointed a gun at your daughter. Cliche though it may be, a bb pellet could put out the eye of a 2 year old. I don't think he should ever be in your house or around you and your daughter ever again. I guess it goes without saying that law enforcement was never involved in the original incident? It is clear your DH has no interest in protecting your or your daughter from the boy, so it is up to you to do it.
Yes his violence has escalated over the years
From getting in my face, cursing loudly and incessantly, to breaking things including glass objects scattering them in the hall.
Our WiFi is poor where I was living and my 911 calls didn't go through during the glass breaking event. He had a huge shard he wouldnt drop, he wouldn't speak, his eyes glazed over. Same look with the BB gun incident and another time just stalking my baby with those eyes. He also attempted to break my finger when I got between him and his dad. He told me months later I deserved it. No accountability ever.
The worse incidents were more recent and ended up with him being sent to BMs for a year. SS needs mental help but isn't currently getting it.
Thing is he's an angel everywhere else. I have had his friends parents straight up call me to be like SS says you are being abusive and always yell at him ( not true but I will raise my voice when he's awful ). That you don't feed him etc. He's so manipulative, they believe him over a well known local daycare provider. It's insanity.
but yea his dad thinks it's been a year since so let's just try to live together. SO is so mad at my ultimatum he calls it. Like listen I'm protecting our kid. It's unreal being told I'm over reacting. I can't expect to be prioritized but at least our toddler ?? I'm ready to walk away but I've never reported SS to law enforcement. I fear for my young child's safety. SS knows I'll call the cops so fast now. I've made that crystal clear and I regret not doing it earlier.
SS walked out didn't return after his dad told him to. He's at his friends pouting I ruined his bday. His BM is texting SO to let him stay with his friend (who he bad mouthed about me and SO to claiming abuse). It's my fault for ruining his birthday. Step witch it is !
Hon, this is worse than I thought
I didn't know about that glass incident, this situation is more dangerous than I thought. Hon, think about it, this boy has threatened you TWICE. Don't allow SS to come near you nor your child. Your SO is not protecting either of you.
It’s so crazy to actually type it out
I can't even believe it. I'm actually a happy positive person. I'm not drama. I ha Eva lot of friends and tight family relationships all of which are healthy. I don't know how I got in this mess. I just don't know how to cope with my small child around SS during SOs parenting time. He won't be safe and I'll have crippling anxiety. He's in denial about the severity of what his child is capable of.
It is not too late to report the incidents to the police.
It is not too late to report the incidents to the police. At the minimum, they can do an "incident report" so it is then on file. Then you get a good lawyer and make sure DH only gets supervised visitation or only gets visitation when SS is not around. I understand the feeling of not wanting to leave because you don't trust your DH to look out for your child when you aren't there - but in this case you are both in danger if you stay.
Thank you
I'll look into this. I've been in mental disarray from this year from pandemic to fires and SS crap. I hadn't even thought this would be an option.
I know how you feel
When.my ex and I split up, I had the naive thought that we'd have an uneventful divorce. Like you, I'm a positive, drama-free person. I was shocked, mortified and embarrassed to realize he was stalking me, kidnapped my son, stole my car and assaulted me. It took awhile for me to realize the gravity of my situation. My parents and others tried to get through to me but I just didn't get it. He was eventually charged and convicted of assault. I'm going thru all this to help you break through to the realization of the serious nature of your situation. When you get to court, insist that SS not be present at dad's visitation with your child. Hoping for your best possible outcome.
I’m so sorry
You went through all that. Sounds so stressful ! I sometimes don't know how we survive the crazy stuff life offers up.
my original plan was to live apart for a few months then assess if SS was able to control his anger and be respectful. He's failed on our 3rd meeting. I don't think I can move forward after seeing the seething anger he has for me today. It was so triggering for me. My SO is so upset. He can't understand why I would even try to move forward to make amends if I was ultimately deciding to not be around ss. I now know the year apart didn't allow me to feel like I or my child will be safe around him. Today confirmed that for me. I didn't know how triggered I'd be.
SS was only allowed back under the premise that this is his last chance so to speak. But I know that he will end up back at being as violent or worse. I get that feeling from today. I snapped too but man those feelings are still so strong when I actually am around SS with his little smirk. And his dads lack of boundaries and consequences seals the deal.
geez. I hope you are feeling safe now. I hope you are comfortable and happy.
I'm good now but I'm worried about you
Please do whatever it takes to keep yourself and your child safe. My son kind of got over the whole thing but had some psychological lingering effects that went on for several years I dont want to think about your kiddo having lingering effects.
I would simply never let the
I would simply never let the kid back into my home again. I'd also follow notsurehowtodeal's advice.
SS is 16, there is no reason
SS is 16, there is no reason he can't be left alone. I would not let him over to your house anymore. It's ibviythat after everything that has happened. His presence triggers you.
It's not your fault you feel the way you feel about SS. He has done more than enough to make you feel that way. You don't have to forgive and forget.
Don't feel obligated to force a replacement with SS. If SH wants to see you or bio he can come by himself from now on.
I am glad you guys are living
I am glad you guys are living apart because if you weren't you should be.
I would probably start divorce proceedings in all honesty. This is no life and SS is never going to launch with how he is being raised. Get a bulldog attorney that will make it so that your DD will only have visitation with her father when SS is not present. Then, move on with your life. You deserve an actual partner in life not this crap.