I am somewhat intorverted, too. Like you I worked a lot, and assumed I'd adapt. I thought there was something wrong with me. But in hindsight while I made mistakes, my reactions and behaviors were basic predictable responses to steplife. Knowing that steplife is a pretty unnatural arrangement and that we're wired not to accept others' offspring helped reduce a lot of the pressure I was putting on myself, too. 

Bottom line? Knowing that most of the poo isn't about us at all is pretty freeing. And if your DH, who has the advantage of a biological connection finds his daughter annoying, then maybe she's really just that annoying. 

Where does your DH weigh in on this? It's his kid, and since he knows you're an introvert it's incumbent upon him to ensure you get some breathing space. Does he schedule time with his kid away from the home? Does he understand when you say "I need some alone time so I'll be in the bedroom all evening." How about you? I know COVID is putting huge pressures on all of us, but you need to make sure you're getting outside and away from your DH and SD. Are you building time for that into each day?

It's ok if you aren't happy about this all the time.  You should be allowed to make time for yourself.  

No reason why your husband can't do "family things" with his child though.. what does she envision that she is missing out on?

I didn't realize back in the day that when I had the feelings you describe, mostly it was because I was overwhelmed by the presence of a hyperactive extrovert DH and his 3 boisterous kids.  DH seemed to understand how I felt and, in the early years, took all the kids somewhere out of the house for hours one day each weekend. That helped a lot.

Later on, after being a SAHM for awhile, I went back to work, first part-time then full-time. That saved my sanity, being around adults more.  I used to joke thst I should be paying the employer instead of them paying me.  Lol.

I've been feeling that way about my "model" stepfamily too. Some days I dread the sight or sound of my stepkids, although I like them all very much. 
Covid restrictions make it way worse, with us all working and learning at home. 
3 years isn't too long, in the grand scheme!
 

I don't think you need to feel bad about it. My parents were thrilled to see me leave, as the youngest, so they had an empty nest. I'm sure they endured my last few teenage years with their teeth clenched.

It's only in today's goofy society that parents need to feel "guilty" about being annoyed by teenagers.  Sounds like you are happy in your marriage, do what you need to do to get through the next 3 years (including ignoring her whining for "Family Time", that's DH's job to deal with).

Regarding your SD and her recent behavior, which is likely fueling part of these feelings in you, COVID has to be a big struggle. She is old enough that she had a social life that filled her with energy since she is an extrovert, but that has come to a screeching halt. She isn't old enough to drive, and she isn't old enough for a job. She doesn't have school where she can chat with others. She's very isolated, and she's isolated with someone who doesn't want to interact with her, a baby sibling who can't really be sociable, and a parent.

She's likely struggling like you are, but on the opposite end of the spectrum. Where you want silence and no one invading your home, all she likely wants to do os escape. Neither of you can get what you want and likely need.

I don't know what the solution is. Ultimately, she isn't your responsibility, but she isn't going anywhere, either. Holing up in her room isn't going to make her happy. In fact, it'll likely make her feel the same way you currently do. Perhaps recognizing that you both hate this and you both would rather not live this way can bring you some comfort. You're not a bad person for feeling this way, just like she isn't a bad person for needing more social interaction.

Plus, I doubt family time is what she wants. Social interaction and something less mundane is what she wants. It's likely what she needs. Your DH should look into some outdoor, socially distanced activities that she can participate in. Tennis, outdoor yoga, skiing, etc. It's with people, but you can easily maintain distance while still being able to talk/interact. Even just a day every few weeks where she and friends could be separated outside (perhaps everyone gets a COVID test beforehand) at a bonfire would do her some good (and get her outside your home). There are also folks who likely could use leaves raked, sticks picked up, wood chopped, driveways shoveled, etc this fall and winter, and that might give her the outlet she needs, too, while staying safe.

It seems like the only way you'll feel better is if she is there less, so your DH and SD need to start brainstorming how to get her out of the house so she can socialize with others and you all don't become the de facto socializer.

If you can manage it.... I think you need a "she shed".. and to develop a hobby that you need to have time to yourself to do... painting.. pottery... writing poetry.. 

What you are feeling is normal.  It's even normal to feel "bad" about wanting people to go away.. it's like you can empathize with her situation.. and you feel bad for being able to fix it without it causing you discomfort.

So, forgive yourself for less than generous thoughts.  We all have them.  I would try to keep most of them "inside my head"..lol.  but forgive yourself for having them.  Then.. to the extent you can... encourage your husband to help his daughter be less isolated.. and have him help you carve out more "you" space.. (she shed???) so that you have some sanctuary to go meditate... have a solo glass of wine.. or just "be" without someone else in your orbit.

Feel guilty about there kids.  There kids don't have a normal life. Don't have parent living together, do family things.  Step  parents get court up in the guilt. For some reason.  Kids did not ask for this life ect.  You must stop feeling guilty. No reason for you to be guilty .  You did not cause any grief in there life 

I had all kinds of negative feelings about my SKs: exasperation over stupid remarks and acts, resentment over the resource drain, anger about their issues causing strife between mne and DH, etc.  It was enlightening for me to hear my BD discuss the very same things about her bios.  It made me realize that all parents, bio or step, have tbese feelings.

Agree with a few of the others who've already responded.

Your DH needs to ask her what she means by wanting more of a family enviornment. To me, that means people do things together, but not necessarily just the fun things. But grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, outdoor clean up, errands, etc. And sometimes movies, going out to eat (difficult now), game night, etc. But everyone must agree and in my opinion, sometimes these things need to be scheduled.

My OSD complained that we didn't do anything together. I pointed out to DH that she was consistently asked to do things with us - all of the above, again, not all fun stuff - and she refused to do so. The only things she jumped at were entertainment and her ideas. So it wasn't on us to make her life more entertaining, because that's not life.

To be sure, if it were me, I would have likely drug her along with us anyway to do stuff much of the time; if it's a grocery store run and you eat the food in this house then you go to the store and help. Things like that. But DH wouldn't do that so there's nothing I could have done. I wasn't, and am not, a parent. I cannot change that. I am a different person than her parents and that's how it is. Sometimes teens need to learn that others exist without them.

A couple of thoughts:

1) DH and I are preparing for our new baby, so we went back to a counselor we'd seen previously, just this week. She is also a stepmom and a child of divorced parents, so she understands the complicated dynamics of blended families from multiple angles. She pointed out to me that I needed to accept that my stepkids were not going away, so I needed to work with DH to reach a place where I didn't feel like I needed to hide or leave the house when they were around. She pointed out to DH that I may never feel differently about his children than I do now and that was okay. She also talked about how when her stepson was younger and still coming to her home EOWE, she would feel a sense of dread leading up to his visits, because it was so disruptive and changed the dynamics of everything. She pointed out to me that DH would never be able to understand that, but also that I would never be able to understand the complicated feelings he felt about only seeing his kids EOWE and therefore, having to change his expectations for parenting. 

2) It's worth exploring - with your DH first - what your expectations are as a family. Your SD needs to realize that all families are different. You are creating a "family" environment for her, but it's your version of a family environment, not her version. Maybe your DH should ask her what she means by "family environment". If it's that she expects to be catered to or entertained, then perhaps she needs to hear that, that will not be happening in your house. There is no one "family environment" and - as SS's counselor pointed out to him, when he was still going to counseling - it's okay for mom's home and dad's home to operate and feel differently than one another. 

I am a wife and mother of 3 with a "bonus" stepson. I am also more introverted and struggle w/ anxiety. My 14yo SS moved in July 2020 and I am already contemplating moving out! I feel guilty about feeling this way, but I just hate living w/ him. He is immature, messy, disrespectful and a bad influence on my 8 year old bio son, who is obsessed w/ him, of course. The sight of my SS walking through my house just makes me annoyed. My hubby is encourages me to be vocal about things that I'm not happy w/, but when u have anxiety- easier said than done. It's nice that you have the support of your hubby. I feel like mine could be better at supporting my struggle with our situation.

I attribute it to the fact that stepfamilies are unnatural. I don't care what anybody says - it's not natural to have another woman's child in your home sucking up your and your own children's resources (especially when BM is alive and well). I have those feelings too, and I just accept them. I focus on my own children with DH and don't try to create a kumbaya "blended bonus family" BS. I just look at SS12 as one of DH's relatives that I just have to tolerate from time to time. I do not encourage a relationship between SS and my two. A lot of the time, it blows up in a SM's face. Just read here. So many SMs put in so much effort raising skids, treating them like gold, only to have skids drop them or treat them like crap when they get older. Not worth it.

"how do you accept your bad feelings as a stepparent?"

Uhm, with open arms? LOL, kidding (kinda). One thing I've learned from this site and just real life is, you don't have to love this situation you're in. Does online venting and talking about it help? Yes, to a degree. It's good to know that there are others out there, probably the vast majority of stepparents, and they all pretty much have some common feelings: resentment, anger, jealousy, loneliness, insecurity, sadness, inadequacy... the list goes on and on. We're all human with human emotions, and those emotions don't always give us a heads up that they're going to come raring forward full throttle.

I found giving myself permission to not love my SK "as my own" helped. Because I don't, and I won't, and I don't want anyone to try to talk me into it because it isn't going to happen. And things my SK does annoy me, and it is purely because it is my SK doing it. My biokid can turn around do that same thing and it doesn't even cross my mind. And that's ok that I acknowledge that that bias is there, and it's ok that I don't want to or care to fix that.

What DOES help I think, is thinking not how I can level up my SK into the status of my bios. That'll never happen, but I do try to focus on respect and asking myself if I would like me as a stepparent. Am I fair? Do I keep my sh^& together for the most part? Do I speak in an angry or hostile tone? Do I show obvious contempt for one and favoritism for the others? It's just a gut check for myself to try and keep the wheels on the bus here and not have an already volatile situation turn explosive because I am contributing to some divide.

Our situation is relatively mild compared to a lot here, and we aren't completely disengaged, so that does color my advice on this subject. But all to say, I think it's ok to feel all the feels when it comes to this role and your SK's. Sometimes you do have to check yourself at the door a little, but that's in many situations in life, unfortunately.

You response is golden. Thanks for reminding me to check myself from time to time. I have recently learned to stop giving everything so much attention and let my husband deal with my SS. He's his kid, not mine. And I don't owe him anything. I am free to back off and not be involved at all, if I choose.

I feel this way about my SD. I thought that over time I would love her like my own. Wrong! If anything, it's gotten worse. I'm miserable and cranky the whole week she is with us and I feel bad because it affects my relationship with our 14 month old son when I'm angry. We are moving to a new city and she's not coming (aside from every other weekend) and I'm seriously filled with so much excitement of being a family of 3 majority of the time that I feel bad about that too. It's a tricky situation 

His kids are old enough to understand something the first, maybe second, time it's explained to them. I think continuously "explaining" how you are an introvert is sending a message that's just not being received. Since explanations aren't helping, I hope your SO can figure out another way to meet your needs separately from SD's needs.

If SD needs to chat, then he can encourage her to connect with her friends on the phone, social media (if it's allowed), and even through letters (which could turn into a little adventure if she's up for it), as well as provide enough time to chat with her Father-to-daughter. If she has other needs (physical exercise, mental stimulation, etc.), then he can help facilitate those needs being met while she is there. Hopefully if she gets enough of her communication and other needs met, she won't be such a drain on you. 

I agree with the others who say that you are certainly not a bad person for feeling the way you do. Just because a SK is well behaved doesn't necessarily mean that their presence isn't intrusive or exhausting for us SM's. Especially when we are introverted or HSP's (highly sensitive people). Introverts and HSP's have unique needs that not everyone else will understand. We are the few while extroverts are the many. It can be hard for anyone without traits like ours to understand where we are coming from and why we need quiet, peace, and solitude to thrive, or even to simply stay sane. 

It may be tricky trying to discuss this with our DH's, but it can be done. If you need to have a conversation with your DH about your introverted traits, start with the traits themselves and what that means for you in your life. From there, you can ease it towards what that means for you in your home life, as in with SD visits. This isn't you being selfish or unreasonable, it's about you having unique needs that deserve to be met. 

You are introvert, she is an extravert.  Who should be the one to go hole up in her room?

You clearly state that there is nothing wrong with your teen SD or any of the Skids. They are good kids.  You just don't like them.  You are an introvert, they are extraverts.   I know that this is tough on you.  However, you are not forced to be in their presence. You have options that serve your introversion that an extravert does not have.  

I suppose that they could go to a room away from you together.

In all of this I feel the most for  your DH.  He is screwed. He is the one who has to deal with an upset wife, upset prior failed family progeny, and not being able to enjoy his life with his wife, the Skids, and the baby together.  At what point does he and everyone else reach the point that they have no more to give... to you?

Why would you want to accept the awful feelings that you have.  IMHO the goal is to stop having them all together and not to accept having them.  Feelings are choices. No less so than any other decision. Making those different choices would seem to me to be the best investment in a long and happy future in this you, DH, his, and your joint baby blended family dynamic.  Either several others change to accommodate you, or, you change to accommodate the family.   I am confident that the cringing that your DH does when his daughters start talking is that he knows that he will suffer later when you work through your issues over the whole situation.

Make a different choice. Which IMHO is the only way for you to take action to fix things rather than just continuing to suffer through them.

Good luck.

I don't think it's a matter of being introverted or extroverted. Who wants to be bombared or talked to death by someone in their own home? Your home is your safe haven. It's the one place where you can control the world around you and relax. Or so it should be. But when there's step kids in the picture, home isn't really home when they're there. They monopolize common areas, intrude on private areas. They're pests really. 

When I moved in with my ex and his 5 year old, I remember thinking, I know this home is new for me but it doesn't at all feel like a home. I couldn't let my guard down, I couldn't vibe and flow as I normally would at home. I felt stifled and bombared all the time. His son NEVER stopped fcking talking. Ever. My ex and I could be in the other room and that fcking kid would still be on some incoherent tangint about the stupidist shit. I just wanted him to stfu for even 5 minutes so I could stop feeling like I was going to either a) kill him or b) set the apartment on fire. 

He tried to be an emotional vampire to me, bombarding me by thinking he was cute and that I'd actually want to have my soul sucked out by his endless one sided conversations but he read between the lines quickly and stopped. That didn't stop him from incessantly talking to himself or his dad, but at least he didn't talk to me. Sometimes you need to be bitch to self preserve.

I didn't feel like least bit guilty about how I felt about EXSS. I despised that kid. The damage that kid did to my peace, my relationship, my life during that time. I was entitled to feel the way I did. No one really wants to deal with other people's kids and there's nothing wrong with that. Own your feelings, don't apologise and make your home, YOUR home again in whatever way you need to.