Is there a difference?

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I have two stepkids (SS 16, SD 14) and I've been in their lives for 8 years. I have never had a strong connection with my stepkids but our family unit runs smoothly. Since they've become teenagers though, I get more and more frustrated with their lazy ways and their refusal to help anyone other than themselves. We're co-parenting and their mom doesn't give them any sort of responsibility so it's hard to enforce chores and stuff at our house. I was raised in a strict household with daily expectations and had to work for everything I wanted, but my stepkids are the exact opposite, having everything handed to them by their mom. It makes my husband and I so terribly crazy!

My husband and I have been trying for our first kid together for a while now. We both insist that we will raise another kid differently than his two kids have been raised so far. We are 100% on the same page with that. What I'm curious about is, will I feel differently about the frustrations of raising a kid if they were biologically my own vs. my stepkid? I complain to my husband all the time about things that the kids do that make me insane, but he tells me it's just a kid thing and any future kids we have will do the same stuff, which I feel is true, I'm just not sure if my emotions towards them will be the same. I don't confront my stepkids anymore about anything because I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. For example, we still have to remind them to shower and brush their teeth daily or they won't do it. This may sound cruel, but I don't feel like I want to continue putting energy into teaching them anything since they are just following in their mother's footsteps and taking the easy road around everything. I'd much rather focus on having my own baby and trying my hand at raising it differently.

For parents of both biological and stepkids, how do your emotions differ between the two?

I'd say it's just as annoying

I'd say it's just as annoying in the moment when BKs don't follow through, as when SKs don't.

But it's less frustrating, since you have so much more consistent influence over BKs.

I don't have bio kids, but

I don't have bio kids, but really - your husband is wrong. You will have a bond to your bio kids that will make dealing with kid behavior much easier. You will be invested in how they grow up and what kind of adults they become. You will also have much more influence on them than you do your stepkids, and they will have your and DH's genes, and not those of someone you probably don't like much. You will also be their full-time parent with no one other than DH to undermine you, and hopefully he won't.

It's really apples and oranges. If your DH had stepkids, he'd know that.

I love that reply. If he had

I love that reply. If he had stepkids he would know that. People love to say "well, you don't have kids, you don't understand." It goes both ways!

I have both bios and steps

I have both bios and steps and I can say from my perspective that I certainly don't have the same emotional connection with my steps, but they also haven't been in my life for as long. I don't love my steps and I am ok with admitting that. I let my own children get away with a lot - it's not that I don't see the issues with them, it's more that I tolerate their behaviour more than with the steps.

There is no frustration

There is no frustration towards my DD because my DH and I correct her all the time. Gets it off our chest so to speak. We both do it and neither of us worry that she's going to manipulate and play favourite households if she's angry. Like where else are you gonna go kid? Which then turns her into the kind of kid we both want to be around. I've noticed most of the frustration and resentment stems from treating children of divorce with kiddy gloves out of guilt and fear that they won't choose to visit. Which turns them into little demons that get their own way all the time.

It sounds like DH barely

It sounds like DH barely parents the ones he has and that you provide the structure. What makes you think he'll be so different with another kid? You'll be the one doing the actual parenting and disciplining. It will be different because you'll be the biomom but there is DH's genes and lackadaisical ways.

My bio isn't old enough to

My bio isn't old enough to give you a good personal reflection however, in my opinion it will be soooo much different with my daughter than with my SD. For instance, if your bio is bugging you by banging on the wall you can easily tell them to quit your bugging me lol and they know you love them and everything's all good whereas with your step, you'd have to sugarcoat it with a please stop banging the wall it's not nice type of thing for fear they think you're sooo mean or go tell their BM that you are.

There is a difference

There is definitely a difference. You will never feel for SKids like you do Bkids. They are your living breathing and walking DNA. You will feel more entitled to discipline BKids and have tangible daily influence over the adults they become. SKids have 3 or 4 parents and will have traits from BM. BM will have more influence than you unless she is out of the picture but you will never be their "real mom" and in the back of their mind they will always treat you as such

I stopped putting in the

I stopped putting in the efforts with my stepkiids years ago. With 50 shade of cray in the background, there was no way to win. I would make homemade chocolate chip cookies when I knew that they were coming to our house (they loved them), but they would bitch about me not making healthy food for them. They refused to eat the healthy food that I made also - the cookies were a treat. I finally stopped doing anything for them. I made no cookies, and I cooked no meals. Neither one of them would take a shower no matter how many times you asked. I didn't give a flying flip. As long as my house wasn't infiltrated with lice or their rooms with nasty food, I let it go. They have grown up to be entitled, emotionally selfish messes. Both have been in therapy for most of their lives. The youngest would lie in therapy about me and state that he did it to "make mommy happy."

And... I still love them both. I am a sucker, but I don't allow myself to be mistreated. I just stopped doing everything for them.

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