SD Dilemma
New to blogging but I'm pretty desperate for some insight so here goes..My SD is 16 now and my husband is acting & talking to her like she's more his wife than me. She's his princess and can do no wrong now. We have been married for 4 years but known each other for 20. Currently we don't live together as both houses are too small and we are on budgets. We are being LAT's until some of the teenage kids get out of high school..which the SD is only 2 years away from. Our relationship was much stronger when the children were younger but now that they are older and she has become a "woman" who happens to look and act alot like his ex wife there has been alot of conversation with her and less with me. Also, his ex wife has been sending him messages not related to the kids for the last year. It seems I have been put last on his list and I'm his wife. I have brought it up to him and he only got angry. I don't want to seem jealous because a dad needs time with his daughter but, it seems like he has been coming down on me alot lately for everything while he finds conversation with her "more interesting". It seems I have to compete with the ex wife and her mini me now. Any suggestions?
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Maybe the living apart thing
Maybe the living apart thing isn't really working out.
I won't compete for attention from my spouse but if there is physical distance, I would expect there to emotional distance as well.
The living apart thing
The living apart this isn't completely awful as our houses are only 3 miles apart however it is not ideal situtation and me being traditional marriage type this is very hard. However, his children have to share rooms and even beds at his ex wife's house because she is re-married and they have 7 kids total so my husband wants his kids to have their own space at his house. I just keep counting down the days until the SD goes to college.
How does his children having
How does his children having their own space mean that you can't live there?
Room Enough
I also have two teenage children.
Living separately can work
Living separately can work for some couples. It also may be a necessity at least for some amount of time due to work locations etc.. but honestly, I'm not sure what benefit you two got when you decided to get married now... why not just keep dating until you were both ready to have a home together?
It doesn't seem like this dynamic is working.. it may be time to rethink this separate time.. perhaps sell both homes and move to a place the could manage everyone together.. even if kids have to share a room for a short time until kids are out of the house.
Unfortunately, it almost seems like since he "has" you.. now.. he isn't putting in a lot of effort into the relationship.. that he might have if you were still in the wooing stage?
Distance
If your husband is putting more energy into his mini-wife, and treating your more like the side-woman mistress, time to really go scorched earth discussion-wise. You should sit him down in person if possible. This does not get better over time, it gets worse, so you will need to be VERY strong with him.
Him getting angry with you is a very bad sign. That tells you that he doesnt think that anything he is doing is wrong. It is. Look up mini-wife, parent-child enmeshment as well as emotional incest. He is using his anger to deflect you. Its a classic play by Narcissists. They go into rage mode to manipulate.
So - going forward, what you have to do is first realise and understand that what he is doing is wrong and you are not crazy for rejecting the treatment of being the side-woman mistress.
My husband tends to deal with what is right in front of him. So, because you do not live together, he has put his daughter in the role that should be yours.
If you wish to continue, this must be stopped.
There's been a number of
There's been a number of posts recently from unhappy women who knew their SOs as friends or acquaintances for years before starting a relationship. I have to wonder if there's an extra layer of complexity to such relationships, especialy when blending is necessary.
LAT requires structure, compromise, and a high level of commitment - otherwise you're essentially just dating.
If your needs aren't being met and you feel your H is putting other women ahead of his wife, then working on these issues with a counselor would be a good idea. If your H is not willing to prioritize your marriage, well, you'll know it's his poor boundaries rather than living apart that is the root issue.