CLOSURE!
Anyone who has read my post(s) this week knows that my bf and I split up and I have been struggling ever since. AND YES, I have even called him a left a couple really nice messages asking him if we can just talk. He never called me back with any of my messages. Until today!
He picked up the phone and greeted me like he normally would, but then it became a little akward because he was so quiet the entire time. He asked me what I wanted in a relationship and I spilled my guts about my wants/needs/fears, etc. He never said a word, which made me ramble a little bit to prevent silent moments. At one point I had to ask if he was still there. And another time, I asked if he would please say something; his response was "hmmmmm. Interesting, interesting." I told him that I loved him dearly, hoping he would say it back, but he didn't. I told him a lot of things and he was mute. And then he spoke.
He said he is at the age where he doesn't want any drama. That he is finally comfortable with his ex and their relationship, and his relationship with her boyfriend. He said he's not into drama from me or anyone else. I told him that I respect what he means, but on my behalf, I am the one who will probably be dealing with the most drama from our relationship given he has 2 kids, a crazy ex girlfriend, and a manipulative ex wife/BM. I pointed out that I don't have any of those things. He said "I disagree with you. I think you create your own drama." I agreed that we disagree.
And then he said, "I don't need any drama. Just last night I had to spend time with BM and her boyfriend at the hospital because one of the kids got hurt." I tried finding out what happened to his son, but he wasn't going there. At the conclusion of our convo, I felt very unloved. I said that it seems like he has made up his mind already, so if he ever needs to talk as a friend, or hang out as a friend, I am here for him and he said "Ok" and then we hung up.
I do think I can be his friend in the near future and not have feelings for him. Like, I feel reallllly unloved by him. He was so unemotional, like he already moved on. It gave me some closure. Not completely, but I know once I begin dating again, dude will become a fart in the wind to me. I am looking at Match now and I am already interested in a couple childless men. Maybe this is evil of me, but I am secretly hoping that he calls me to talk in a month or so, and that I'm able to talk to him like how a "friend" would, without any emotion. And then announce that I have to let him go because I have a date with my new boyfriend!!
Good for you!!! You know,
Good for you!!! You know, when I left my ex husband it took several talks on the phone with me trying to pull some love out of him before I was able to let go and move on. In a way, I'm so happy for you that he was unloving and didn't give you any sense of hope so that you can go forward. I wish I could express to you just HOW MUCH BETTER your life will be without him and without the skids and BM in your life. You're SO LUCKY that you learned to stay away from men with kids. You have no idea what a hot commodity you will be out in the dating world that you also don't have kids, because men have the same problem with single moms. I had men calling me JUST BECAUSE I had no kids.
So although this hurts like a bitch and I know your self esteem just took a huge hit, you are free!!! I'm so jealous!!!
By the way... men always say we create our own drama. That is just their way of invalidating how we feel so they don't have to deal with it. F-ck HIM!! Personally, I wouldn't want to be friends with him and I'm pretty sure you will come to that conclusion yourself in time.
Well, I ONLY want to be his
Well, I ONLY want to be his "friend" to show him what he missed if/when we do get together as "friends". I hope his next girlfriend puts him through the wringer with DRAMA and he longs for me again. I was a reallllly nice girlfriend and hopefully someday soon, he will realize it. Yes, I was emotional about stuff, and yes, I think I did create my fair share of drama, but underneath it all, I was OK. And I'm an oddity because I'm 33 and never been married. We live in a really small town where it's normal to be a teenager and pregnant. He prefers women without kids though, so his pickings are slim in that town. He needs some serious luck!!
HA! So you were expected to
HA! So you were expected to put up with his baggage and like it, but he only wants to date a woman with no children?? Interesting to say the least.
You are probably right about
You are probably right about having a different perspective in the near future and probably not caring enough to want to be friends or see how miserable he is. But right now, I am still in somewhat mourning, and when I tell myself that he will miss me like crazy someday, it makes me feel better!!
And some O/T news that is slight exciting to me. I JUST received word that my jobs contract extension will likely be until June instead of August now. And if it does end in June, I will have an opportunity to live in NYC from July-late September on a different assignment...with paid rent and utilities (and a decent salary). This is perfect because I love major cities and lived in one for awhile before figuring out that I prefer the country as my long- term home. And how many people have an opportunity to live in NYC with paid rent? When it's over, I get to move back to my little ole small town where he lives and I will have this new experience under my belt to talk about and I hope he thinks "WOW" when he hears.
Oh yeah I also meant to
Oh yeah I also meant to add...by the time he realizes you are happy and successful...you won't give a shit how he feels about it! Believe me, I have stood there several times..."what til he gets a load of this!" Then he does finally and it has no effect on me whatsoever. Because by then you will be with someone else who appreciates you and loves you for real
He becomes a distant bad memory.
Yaaaaaaay for you! He sounds
Yaaaaaaay for you! He sounds like a complete douche. I wasn't sure when you were describing him before raindrop but now after this post it is confirmed. What an absolute horror of a man he is. Do you know what I think this means?? The next guy you date is going to be amazing! I think you have to date some aholes until you get to the decent men
You sound so much better today. I'm sorry that you feel unloved, that's not fun BUT it doesn't sound to me like he deserves for you to love him anyway. Let him go off and be BM's little bitch for the rest of his life. His kids will struggle and he will never be able to be in a relationship because he won't be able to escape the unhealthy ones he is creating with his children. Rest assured my friend, hard times are ahead for him and not that you wish that upon him but...it's his own fault. Pheeeeeeeew, you really lucked out here girl!
Honey all I can say is RUN
Honey all I can say is RUN WHILE YOU HAVE THE CHANCE!
Move on! I would recommend
Move on!
I would recommend that to avoid a rebound situation that bites you in the ass that you go for a philosophy of "2-4yrs of dating only boy toys with no chance of long term relationship" guys before you start dating guys of long term quality.
I am not saying to date dirt bags or to postpone dating. Give yourself time to grieve, heal and find yourself again but get back on the "bike" as soon as you are ready. Sooner rather than later IMHO.
For 3 years after my XW ran off with her geriatric Fortune 500 Executive sugar daddy I dated a bunch. I did not wait a second to get back in to the dating world.
I had a date the evening after she told me she wanted a divorce. After nearly 4yrs of my XW’s crap (2.5yrs while married) I needed affirmation that I was attractive and worthy of the attention and time of nice, fun and attractive women who did not want to “own” me.
For 3yrs I dated and had a great time with a bunch of ladies. No one that I would take home to mom, but not skanks either. I made it no secret that I was not interested in a long term relationship but I was not against limited duration exclusivity.
Then about 2mos after the 3rd anniversary of my divorce I found myself starting to date several amazing women. One was the niece of the Governor of the state where I lived, several were the sisters, daughters, nieces of friends who saw that I was past the "serial monogamy" post divorce period and one is my wife of nearly 17yrs. I canceled a date to have Thanks Giving at the Governors house to spend Thanks Giving with my wife and her son.
For me it was like a switch was thrown and the ladies knew it. Good ones came out of the wood work. You ladies have the higher order mental communication thing that we guys are clueless of. I guess I was broadcasting my change from nice fun man whore to marriage material guy on the secret woman network.
I have two unequivocal universal Rags rules on the end of and transition between relationships.
The Three Day Rule: The hurt from a break up is at its worst for about three days. Then each day it gets a little bit better until eventually it is nothing but an occasional unpleasant memory.
The Next One Is Always Better Rule: Regardless of how amazing the last one was, the next one serious one will have all of the good qualities of the last one plus a few amazing things that are unique.
These rules apply to long term relationships and not necessarily to short or medium term dating relationships.
It will be okay and you will find a great guy that will put you first in all things.
Good luck and have fun.
Best regards,
That was a wonderful post
That was a wonderful post from a male perspective. I'm sure raindrop could use it!! There is one funny thing you said... about the three day rule. i can definitely tell you are a MAN. ha ha. Three days is just the beginning of a woman's mourning period.
You guys have it so much easier. ha ha.
Just giving you a hard time, you realize. And by the way, I'm VERY happy that you found an amazing woman to love.
Kerry, Thanks, I marvel at
Kerry,
Thanks, I marvel at how fortunate I am to have her.
For clarification, the 3 Day rule has the max pain at 3 days. It hurts for much longer than that but gets a bit better every day after day 3. When you wake up on day 4 and realize that it is not until halfway between breakfast and lunch that you feel like you are going to puke then you know things are getting better.
I think my divorce actually took ~ 5yrs for me to fully recover from. For the first year of our marriage I was not the best husband I could be to my amazing bride. We married 4yrs after my divorce. We met 3+yrs after my divorce.
I was a bit reserved and nervous about over exposing myself to getting hurt again for the first year or so of our marriage but after the first year I realized that I was cheating her and myself out of how awesome our marriage could be so I purged the rest of my XWs toxic crap and emotional control over me and went all in.
It has been increasingly more amazing ever since.
Best regards,
Ohhhh I understand what you
Ohhhh I understand what you are saying. Well I'm so glad you got free of your ex's hold on you and are free to enjoy your amazing wife. Fantastic for you both!!! Hugs and have a great weekend!!