Venting

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Seriously pissed off. If it wasnt for this site l think l would burst. Having somewhere to vent is just about keeping me sain. So after weeks of SD refusing to eat and automatic tears at meal times along with the l miss mummy card. Add to that that l have been worried that my SD is actually struggling mentally and is suffering some kind of psychological trauma through either parent alienation or an actual eating disorder forming. And after my partner putting his foot down last week and saying no to going home, which he got me to back and l told SD that it wasn't an option and she needs to get used to sleeping. He has told her she can just come for days and not sleep. Well, since then she doesn't have to play the victim card anymore. No tears at meals, no asking for mummy or saying she misses her. Even asking me whats for dinner and asking for her porridge this morning because she is hungry. Porridge she was traumatised about at her last visit. She even went as far as to say to me today "i hope my mum goes back to work soon, as i can then spend all day with my friends" This is a girl who apparently struggles to leave her mum. It's Bullshit. This is on a day where she is sleeping over but knows she doesnt have to in future. So i would think if missing mum was the issue or my food then she would still be upset as she was sleeping overnight for the last time so still away from mum the same amount of time. My partners all praises that shes eating her porridge " isn't she doing great" "errm yeah she doesn't need to manipulate now she has what she want" I voiced that i thought back tracking on what he said last week was a bad idea as she knows the rules can be changed and i feel the inconsistancy to be a bad thing. Apparently this means i'm negative and l'm always negative. She has been boarderline hyperactive at times over the last 48hrs. We went on a countryside walk and she couldnt walk normal, she was all over the place, i want a piggy back, no i want to go on your shoulders. "By the way Daddy you are going to get blood on your shirt because i've scratched my leg, never mind" "everyone follow me, i know where i'm going". I know it sounds petty but its driving me crazy. I noticed earlier today that when my partner went out of the room she got close to me on the sofa as i was talking to her about different wild flowers and as soon as she heard hime coming back in the room she moved away and back in a position of being seperate from me. I think she is awae that if she keeps herself divided my partner keeps checking her to see if she is ok and reasuring her. She gets more attention. I also noticed that when i was outside sweeping she and my partner were sitting seperate on the sofa. Her watching tv and him reading. As soon as i came in the room she was trying to cuddle him and just bassically climbing on him so he couldnt read and trying to get his attention. I can't even tell him what i have observed today as he will think i'm just being negative and it makes me look thike the problem but i'm feeling really uncomfortable about it all. I was sick the night before her coming becuase i was so anxious. I dont like inconsistancy and i like balanced personalities that don't keep changing. I'm not good with not being able to predict whats next as i suffer ibs due to anxiety. There is no inbetween. It's either the all about me show or sulking and acting like she is suffering. I'm actually starting to feel like these are complete acts and i'm dealing with something horrid. I've never felt dislike for a child before but something feels off. I see her staring at my daughter with a real glare as if she is waying things up and dislikes her. My daughter is the most gentle and thoughtful daughter i could wish for. She is a complete nurturer like myself so if we are feeling negative towards someone it has to be pretty bad. Sorry to rant. I stayed as disengaed as i could this weekend and i havent mentioned anything to my partner about it since he said i was negative yesterday. He hasn't mentioned it either. We are hardly speaking.

Eating issues

Hi, Edie, i was reviewing your posts, i remember you. I wanted to chime in about the eating issues. I would totally check out concerning whether SD eats or not. She has shown she does have the ability and desire to eat sometimes so that shows there is no disorder. I would fix the family meals without comment, serve the food, sit down and eat and make no remarks about her eating habits. If DH wants to discuss or obsess, whatever. I would just remove myself from this dynamic. Does she have other issues? Is she manipulative? I don't know. But i think it's unnecessary for you to spend one more second on this non-issue. Good luck, Edie, please shed this concern.

Hi JRI, nice to hear from you

Hi JRI, nice to hear from you. Thanks for the advice. Yes i do need to shed this as it's driving my stir crazy! My partner and I are still only just communicating. And the affects it is having on our relationship is starting to make me feel resentful and angry. I think she is very manipulative and she has used not eating as a way to get what she wants. She even asked my partner if he wanted to know how much she misses her mum. I think she said this so she can make him feel guilty. I know there have been some issues with her at school with leaving other children out and triangulating. If i'm straight up honest i am concerned there maybe a personality disorder. My 3 year old neice came over the other day and was playing with SD on trampoline and my neice fell and was very upset and i saw no reaction at all from SD. She also collects dead bees and keeps them in a tin. She has been told at school not to collect them and she has been hiding them in her draw. Does this sound normal? To me it feels weird. I get the feeling she is calculating a lot of the time and that she will only do things that will benifit her is some way. I'm worried that this is coming between me and my partner. I feel there are a lot of really worrying things here and he just seems to overlook it. Thank you for your advice

personally i think its a way

personally i think its a way of her controlling the attention given by daddy. my ex-SS12 would do this at meal times and also do similar things you are discribing when you are in the room or dad walks back in. Originally we thought it was a huge fussy eating problem so we took him to therapists that specialise in adolescent eating disorders and general fussy eating with children,, these people even watch them eat and the facial exspression etc when different types of food go near their mouths etc,, the therapist picked up that it was all an act to control the adults. A few times this kid would have such a tantrum he would spit out chewed food all over the table. He would also do things like you describe with your SD,, he wouldnt be sitting near daddy but as soon as i entered the room he would run and cuddle into dad and sit on his lap , WTF hes 12 i would think! It was all about getting the attention as they believe they are the only ones that should be getting it. Just keep your eyes and ears open with this little girl as i feel she is major manipulating

Thanks for the advice

Thanks for the advice nappisan. I am thinking the same too. When SD is saying something nice to me it doesnt feel sincere. I dont think i have ever encountered a child that has made me feel on edge and i work in a school. I am often the one who gets on well with the naughtier children as i have a little cheeky side to my personality and i bond well with them and can usually talke them round in difficult situations. But this feels like a completely different thing. I dont trust that she is being herself or telling the truth. She stomped up the stairs the other night and my partner told her not to do that here and she blatently said she didnt twice then said she couldnt help it.

Yes my ex-SS made me feel the

Yes my ex-SS made me feel the same in my own home. If he spoke to me , it wasnt sincere,, when daddy was around he would talk to me nicely , ask how my day was etc ,, but as soon as dad wasnt around , he wouldnt even look at me when i spoke to him,, he would walk straight past me when being spoken to or asked to do something. I myself too tend to be able to deal with the naughtier kids etc and have the ability to reason with them in situations ,, but not that little kiniving brat,, he made me feel very uneasy and he was very unpredictable, but a master manipulator at such a young age. I do really wish that i had put up some little security cameras in my house to show his father how he really acted when he wasnt around. One incident i had was whilst looking after SS whilst DH was at work all day,, just the two of us at home all day but my car misteriously was keyed from front to back,,, i live on a rural property with my car shut in the garage all day,not like anyone else is around,,, oh except my SS,, i certainly didnt key my own car ,, my labrador dog cant exactly hold a key or sharp object either. When i raised this with the brats dad, he questioned the kid about it and how it could have happened under the circumstances ,,, the boy replied in the sweetest attitude about how terrible it was and maybe it happened the day before or someone else did it ,,,,,,hmmm i only washed and polished the car the day prior and a huge gouge would certainly been noticed as i take pride in my car ,,, and the kid knows that i love my car and worked hard to be able to buy it. It was right in my face about how deceiving , manipulating and entilited this this sh*t was! he was as nice as pie whilst talking to his daddy about it! The following day i had to drop the SS to school , thats when i questioned him again about it and dropped the comment that i have camera's in the carport and would be checking the footage when i got home , so if he was lying this was his chance to come clean. He rudely denied it again and again , which of course i knew he is lying. Anyway , later that evening I caught the brat sneaking in my garage , so i quietly watched him as he snuck around looking and he was looking for security cameras.. busted !! Told his balless dad about what id seen only to be met with the comment "wheres your evidence that my son scratched your car?" WTF really !!!! i wish i actually had cameras put up to show daddy what a manipulating brat his son was being behind his back to me everytime he left the room. I stuck with it for 8 years and it only got worse ,,in the end the kid actually had turned his dad and my partner of 8 years against me ,, Dad just thought i was out to get rid of his son and said to me "i will always choose my innocent child over my relationship" ouch!! safe to say im well and truely out of that toxic relationship and as far as i know ,, the kid has been expelled from school for bullying and fighting and his dad is having a grand old time trying to control his demon kid! good luck , but please know that it will most likely get a lot worse as she gets older as they only get craftier at manipulating

Think I'd stay as disengaged

Think I'd stay as disengaged from this drama as possible. The food issue should be handled exclusively by her father, the sleep issues also. If she doesn't want to eat or sleep then oh well, not your kid not your problem. You may have to physically remove yourself from the situation so that dad has to deal with it on his own. The hyperactivity can be dealt with by dad being more active with her. She's hyper then it's time to go on a walk/hike/bike ride. Kids are going to test boundaries and dad needs to be there to actually parent.

Thanks still learning. The

Thanks still learning. The hyperactivity happens when we are out as well as at home. As soon as she arrives she askes repeatedly what we are doing next. Even when we have been out all day to the seaside or for a picnic as soon as we finish one thing she says what are we doing next. My partner turned her programme off at bedtime and asked her to go brush her teeth. When she came back and saw the tv off she sat on the sofa and said what are we doing next. She knew it was bed time. I do need to remove myself from the situation but i think she is smart, if i go out she will act normal while we are gone. It's all a bit bonkers really

I know i keep adding to this

I know i keep adding to this but my partner and i have just had a massive fall out. I have been as honest as i can. he thinks the problem with SD is solved as she is eating fine now but doesn't see that this is because she has got her own way and how that will reinforce her maniputative behaviour further. I have told him i am steping back and i would prefer he didn't work on the days she comes. He voiced he doesn't want SD around me if i am negative about her. I voiced that i don't want to be around SD either if she is going to be manipulative and said he needs to ask himself why someone wouldn't want to be around his child rather than blaming that person.. He has said he it works both ways and he won't look after my daughter when i work either. Which is fine with me but i consider it childish as my daughter isn't causing trouble. He has said he will have to live somewhere else and make other arrangments for SD. So instead of dealing with her behaviour so we all feel happier, he would rather lose his home and family and let SD manipulate. He said it wont work if i cant look after SD. I have said she can come tomorrow but if we are splitting up i'm going to go away this weekend. I don't see why i should have to be manipulated and we should be exposed to more drama by SD if we are not together. I got told "how do you think that will make her feel". I'm sorry but how does he think it makes my children feel to be around someone whos character keeps changing, one minute hyper the next acting withdrawn.

Wow! He's such a drama queen!

Wow! He's such a drama queen! That escalated really fast. Didn't you ask him if he wasn't going to emigrate too just to be sure to keep her away from you?

You might remind him that the whole point of her visiting is to send time with her father, not to be babysat by his wife.

Between the two of us, I'd be inclined to jump on his offer of moving out Just think, no more drama!

What really pisses me off is

What really pisses me off is when we talk about this i become the problem, I'm always negative, Why do you always do this. This is what you do. Today i said, I'm really struggling with this and i got back "you are always struggling, you struggle with everythin" Bullshit, I managed to raise my children alone, go back to college and get A - levels, get my degree and i have a great job that i love. My kids are both balanced, kind people. They have been through a divorce and i my son witnessed his dad being shit for the first 8 years of his life. Still i have managed to remain on good terms with their dad, avoid making my children feel shit and refuse to let them become arseholes and ive refused to let the fact that i'm a single mum become an excuse to be slack or for my children to to misbehave. So i dont think i struggle with everything. Sorry.. I'm feeling pretty cross *sorry2*

Tell him this, calmly. My DH

Tell him this, calmly. My DH did the same to me, that I don't get it because I'm not a parent that I was raised differently in a stricter home and authortarian parenting isn't his style ("authortarian" because I think kids should have some regular chores and rules at the home not because of discipline methods), etc.

I eventually found my voice through reading blogs/advice on ST and now don't take that attitude. I want the SDs to be good, responsible, independent women and learing now, via parents/home is a great way to do it. Just because I'm not a parent doesn't mean I'm not a human being, it's my house too - I live in it and with them/ex issues too and it's not separate from my life, etc., I am not their parent and am allowed no parenting - so I cannot be in charge of them or assist with parenting issues Calmly said.

It has helped both of us really - and my disengagement is good and helpful to me.

It's easier to blame you rather than himself and BM.

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