Thoughts on this scenerio
I saw this anonymous question posted on a social media site. I thought the topic was interesting as was one of the comments I copied below. It said
"Would you all be mad if you told your significant other that his 18 (almost 19) year old daughter cooked pasta and needed to clean it up but the pot remained there 4 days later and you say something and he cleans it up? Now mind you, we just had an argument about people picking up after themselves and that if it did not happen to tell him and he would handle it. Would you all be upset?"
Someone posted this response "Soooooo the real issue is you and the daughter don't care for each other, don't nag him to get a reaction AGAINST HER,if he's a REAL MAN he'll CHOOSE HIS DAUGHTER OVER YOU IN THE LONG RUN,PICK YOUR BATTLES WISELY." I was a bit surprised about that response in particular. Can people share there thoughts?
If he was a good father
He would not let his spawn be a LA. Enabling the spawn he is admitting his failure as a father.
Clove, is that really what it
Clove, is that really what it boils down to that enabling the spawn is admitting his failure as a father? It does make sense. Makes me think that when I started calling my ex out on his enabling of his adult kids, and he ran and disappeared for awhile that he knew I figured out he was the problem.
The responder is a dipshit.
The responder is a dipshit.
Super hilarious Rags
Super hilarious Rags
The daughter
The daughter in question is a fully grown adult and the issue is whether or not she did a basic 3 minute chore. Not whether or not she has access to life-saving medical treatment. Any parent who believes that is cause to "choose" that adult child over a spouse is a complete moron who clearly has issues too deep to diagnose on a chat board.
Typical child-centric
Typical child-centric response. Probably from a BM, or someone who buys into the belief that "kids always come first!" It's the mindless go-to conditioned response for any situation.
Ahhh yes, "the kids come
Ahhh yes, "the kids come first" is always a classic! I once read somewhere the irony of the saying... obviously at some point in the bio parents lives, the kids did NOT come first. Whether the decision to divorce was based on personal happiness, cheating, finances, etc. The kids did NOT come first at that tipping point - whatever it may be. So I always find it funny when people say that
Also, just to add a similar
Also, just to add a similar story. About a year after i started dating the SO who led me here, he came up to me all upset. He's like "My brother said his wife comes first before his kids! Can you believe it! What a piece of sh..!" He was like "If your kids want something, and your spouse wants something, you have to put the kids first, right?!"
I have kids too, and i didn't know how to answer. I hadn't found this site and didn't really have a good grasp on how i even felt. I had always just sort of parroted the old line of kids come first too, without really thinking about it. I said something like "I don't rank y'all in a sense that one always comes first. It depends on the situation. If one person's need is more crucial than the other, that's who comes first."
But then i thought about it and told him nobody wants to be in a relationship where they always come last to kids, no matter the situation. He had truly never thought about it before and any deviation from the "kids come first" mantra was seen as blasphemy! That belief is common in our society. I found this site due to googling a different issue and i now see how putting kids wants before the needs of a marriage really weakens the family, and can be harmful to the kids we say we so badly want to "put first!"
Yes, that's the worst part -
Yes, that's the worst part - all of this "the kids come first!" crap ruins the marriage AND the kids.
I got married very young, and
I got married very young, and there were a handful of couples we hung out with, all with young kids, also around 20-23. All are divorced except one couple. It's funny, because everyone else sort of felt like they were selfish, because they hired babysitters once a week so they could do things as a couple. He focused on his career and she stayed home, which was also rare in our group because everyone was so young and we just all worked a lot. They are the only couple still together, he bought a car dealership, and they are much wealthier than the rest of us broke single parents. Not to say traditional gender roles work for everyone, but putting the couple first really did seem to work for them.
The couple putting each other
The couple putting each other and their marriage first does not require traditional gender roles. My mom and dad celebrated their 58th last month and have always put each other first though each of their roles within their marriage are very traditional.
My brother and his wife will celebrate their 27th in a few months and have always followed traditional gender roles within their marriage. Though my SIL has never put my brother or their marriage first. She comes first with occasional periods where one of their kids come first. Theirs is not what I would call a happy marriage. Neither would my brother call it a particularly happy marriage.
My wife and I follow the put the relationship first model and both have graduate degrees and successful careers. Our 26th aniversary is at the end of the month. We definately do not follow traditional gender roles.
Regardless everything else, couples that put each other and their marriage above all else, including kids regardless of kid biology, have far happier marriages, far more successful children and far more successful life long partnerships.
My issue with this is why not
My issue with this is why not find a mate who is just as child-centric as you are instead of bringing that type of havoc into a marriage-centric persons life? I was upfront with my ex in the belief that the relationship comes first, especially when the kids are all adults. He never told me he felt differently. In fact he intentionally hid the fact that none of his adult kids work enough to live independently, thus, they all still live under someone else's roof and still call him regularly for financial assistance. There didn't seem to be an end in sight for this enabling either. He has a lot more adult kids than I have, and my adult kids are independent. Why he thought it was ok to bring that baggage into my life, I still don't know. As long as I thought his adult kids were the main problem he continued to try to stick around and be a part of my life in some way, shape, or form. This message board and loved obes helped me see the problem was really him. Once I started questioning him about why his adult kids don't work enough to take care of themselves and why he, as their father, hasn't required this he eventually made up an excuse and pretended like they are victims. Once I let him know I knew he was the problem and an enabler he ran an hid for awhile. Pathetic. Then he tried to show up again for a while and I ignored him. If he wants to run from the truth, he can keep on running. He is the problem!
There's child-centric, and
There's child-centric, and there's crappy parenting. I guess i was always sort of child-centric, in that i enjoyed family activities and have always been involved in my kids lives and i really do enjoy being around children. Well, i used to before all this. But "putting kids first" by giving in to their every want, not making them follow rules, giving them a ridiculous amount of power in the household. Creepy enmeshment, acting as your ex's bitch "for the kids." Crippling your kids so they serve your emotional needs and never launch. That's something else. People with that type of dysfunction won't warn you upfront. I think either they have so little self awareness they don't know, or are ashamed of it.
You said "Crippling your kids
You said "Crippling your kids so they serve your emotional needs and never launch. That's something else. People with that type of dysfunction won't warn you upfront. I think either they have so little self awareness they don't know, or are ashamed of it." I am wondering if it could be a little of both. I did notice that the excuses he gave did not have anything to do with them possibly having a disability, it was just him putting on the victim's card for them. So they are young and healthy and don't work, which is ridiculous. Someone he knows came right out and told him his kids need to be working and taking care of themselves. He told them he already knew that. However, he still continued to do it without explanation. For him, maybe he thinks giving them things makes him a good father. However, the result says something much more different. Most of his kids lie, manipulate, use, and disrespect him, and are very troubled. He can't count on them for anything. He hasn't even seen them in years.
My SDs were young adults when
My SDs were young adults when their parents divorced, but I can see now why they have so many problems not being the center of attention even though they are now in their 40's - they grew up in a very child-centric household.
An adult SD living in someone else's house should have responsibilities like everyone else.
I don't believe "kids come first" just because. It's good for them to see as kids that the world doesn't revolve around them.
As adults, it depends on the scenario. OSD's 2-year old DD's dance recital when we were moving my parents cross country? Not a priority. When YSD had cancer surgery on my birthday and needed help, there was no question DH should go to help her.
Exactly. Depends on the
Exactly. Depends on the situation.
SLamb, you said "An adult SD
SLamb, you said "An adult SD living in someone else's house should have responsibilities like everyone else." Another comment from that site said if it is the man's house this stepmom needs to mind her business, but if it is her home then she has a leg to stand on. Another person commented he can raise his kids however he wants and if she has kids she raise them however she wants.
Again, what site is this? I
Again, what site is this? I am dying to visit.
WTF!?! Where are these kinds
WTF!?! Where are these kinds of people? I paid the down payment on OUR house and I will be d@mned if anyone ever told me it's the "man's house." SMH.
Society continually belittes SMs to "mind our business" and "stay in our lane" is oppressive. Why has it become the "norm" that SMs are expected to stay silent? And a SM voicing ANYTHING, even in her own household, is viewed as absurd... or "taking mom's place" Ugh! We deserve a voice too!
Yep! Along with all the
Yep! Along with all the other "joys" of step-parenting, a SM is expected to settle for being treated more like a woman would in the year 1920 (if not 1820) vs. the year 2020. You'd think there'd be some kind of outrage, but there isn't. Some women (those who are not SPs themselves, I'd imagine?) lap this sexist crap up just as much as the men.