BM, more than likely, will never be OK with you.  If you anticipate this or expect this, you're going to be in pain over this.  First of all, you are your DH's wife and a stepmom to his child.  You are not any relation to his ex-.  She is mom, yes, but she has her idea of how to raise her child and your DH has his idea.  As your DH's wife, you follow his lead on dealing with his child.

You never know.  BM may be okay with you or think of you as a total a$$ for stealing her child from her and trying to do as you please.  Keep in mind that very little of how you truly interact with her child will have anything to do with how BM feels about you or whether she will even like you are not.  Some BMs (most, comes with the territory) are very possessive, and even tho. they agreed to get rid of their DH and divorce, they don't want any other woman anywhere near their child or children.  Odd, yes!, such as, how can you expect to divorce and neither one of you remarry; or, I've even seen some BMs who think they get to remarry, but their DH had !#@$! better not!

It goes on and on.  There isn't much logic or rationale involved here.  It is just a mom wanting control over her child.  I get it in a way.  Like I've said before, it may all come down to billions of years of DNA that has been programmed to make sure that mom and child stay together for as long as they can to keep up the numbers of the species.  Anyway, enough of that.

Moving into the year 2020, the end result is that BM is BM and as BM will pretty much get to think of you and treat you however she wants.  She will also be able to influence her child to think of you however she wants.  Again, keep in mind this has little to do with reality and you personally.  I'm not saying that BM is public enemy #1, but I am saying that it is best to  keep your distance.  Your DH SHOULD be there for you and treat you as his #1 wife vs. BM (might seem obvious, but to some DHs it isn't).  BM doesn't get away with anything just because she is BM, but the odds are pretty high she will try to do so.  So, in that case, your DH needs to have the balls or the audacity to correct her and any of his children if she ever tries to pull a fast one, or two, or . . ..  If you try to  get involved, you'll be thought of as Evil SM.

So, if you are thinking you can be all huggy, kissy, touchy, feely with BM, I advise you to forget it.  When you are taking care of her child (and she will see that child as her child; bio-dad won't count for much), have fun with your SK, play with her, follow the rules DH (and you) have set up.  But, don't forget that the day may come when she says, "You are not my Mother!"  And, her saying that will have little to nothing to do with you personally, but it will hurt like H-.

So, enjoy your life with you and your DH and with his child.  Don't be friends with BM; it just won't happen.  If you're not careful, rather than being SM, you could wind up being the bio's be.atch, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I wouldn't ever expect anything positive from meeting your SKID's mother.  Most of us try and avoid it at all costs.  I dare say there's the odd "kumbaya" moment between a BM and an SM, but you don't usually read about them on this site. 

I think as new stepmoms, we naively hope that our good intentions and good actions will make the BM view us favorably.  Logically, thats the way it should work.  But this is emotional, nor logical, territory.  If she thinks you do anything wrong, she will be ready to correct the situation pronto and blame you.  If you do things right and the child really likes you, she will bitterly resent you and retaliate.

There are always exceptions but the best you can hope for is a civil and polite relationship.  You will always be nervous about her.

I'm a 75 yo stepmom so I have seen it all.  In the early years, BM blasted me on a regular basis causing immense havoc.  Years later, when DH was going thru a bad time, i heard she said, ' I'm glad he has JRi".  She also said that the kids respected me.  

Don't take things personally.  This is millions of years of DNA causing this, not what you are doing.  Good luck!

You are living her old life. First time you do something with SD she doesn't like. The gloves will come off.  Like going away by yourself,  instead of taking SD with you ! Disney by yourself.  Then when you have a bio child and that child gets more.  You will have the happy family and she will not 

Another thing you might feel is irrational jealousy about BM.  Again, i think this is a primal thing.  Our BM was an attractive person with beautiful legs and a great tan, neither of which I had (altho I was prettier. Lol).  Anyway, i spent countless time trying to get a glimpse of her on our drop-offs.  It's so irrational, I'm just alerting you that this happens, too.

Hello everyone I'm new here, so I've been married to this cop for roughly a year and a half now. When I first meet this guy I thought we were best friends and knew everything about him. Little did I know only to find out the first six months into my marriage that everything he's told me was a complete lie. My husband told me he's only been married once, last year on my fifth month anniversary his ex wife texted me and say oh hey wife number three. On my first month anniversary smh I found a secret phone under his bed , I was not snooping I was curious I opened it up and boom , I saw nude videos and pictures of all kind of women he's been dealing with. My heart was broken then . I asked him so is this who you are ? Three months go by last year , I didn't heal but we go to a therapist she called him a pathological liar and womanizer . So embarrassed I was. I also found out in April last year a month before my birthday that he recently gotten a divorce on June 24th and his brand new baby was born on June 04,2018 that's only five months before our wedding day . Now I knew about his ex wife and his 11 year old son which I meet , I just didn't know that he made a baby while he was a married man . I asked him how do a man still be married yet have a child the month his divorce finalize ? I asked him how come you told me you were divorced in 2016 but I'm looking at your divorce decree and it says June 24,2018. Let's understand none of this he told me , it was told from his ex wife then he admitted . So June 9,2019 six months into the marriage I get a call mysteriously from this 29 year old lol the young lady he had the kid with in 2018 . She got my number from the ex wife , she goes listen woman to woman , lol I'm 7 years older than this young girl and my husband is about 9 years older then her , but she goes did you know your husband calls me every morning at 5 am telling me he loves me and telling me how happy he's not with you. She also screenshot the the messages and I also found out that day that he had unprotected sex with her three weeks before he proposed to me. This man brought me into a home with a bed he's had sexual with other woman I'm a brand new wife going through so much at only one year of marriage. I cried and asked God what have I done so bad to deserve this . I graduate from law school next year , I found out this month that he owes $17,000 arrears on 2 year old and $1,500 on his 11- year old . Honestly I think I'm at my breaking point , I do not see a future with this guy , besides he only seen his 2 year old twice and we hs eng seen his 11 year old son since last December smh . He's also not dealing with his mom because she's seeing his ex mistress and two year old son . What should I do ? I want to leave him in peace , he says he's inlove with me but if I knew he had all this going on in his life no way I'd marry him and he knew that , he said that's why he lied to me . By the way I only meet his mom once and father once , I never meet the new born . This February he quit his job once that child support order hit last month $1,300 monthly for the new born and $400 for the 11 year old .

I would say don't take it personally. She could be like me. I'm very hard to get to know and I come off as standoffish and uninterested to other people. In reality, I'm just not a talker. Now, get me writing, and I won't shut up.

When I met my husband's ex wife, she says I gave her the silent treatment. I was friendly, I just didn't have anything to say.

IMHO it is extremely important for you to put BM in her proper place in your head and in your blended family. She does not matter and you can't give her any standing ... PERIOD!

Look at how you are all wound up over a non event short encounter with no discourse. If you don't knock this off now and never go to this place in your head again regarding BM your blended family adventure will be long and painful for you, for your SKid, for your DH and for your marriage.

Do not even recognize BM, if she gets shitty, smack her back under her rock where she belongs (figuratively of course).  Do not give her any space in your head.  

If she behaves reasonably, then match her with reasonableness.  But do not give a crap for a second beyond any interface you may have with her on the rare occas sion you do interface with her.

Many in the toxic blended family opposition will try to exploit any indication that crap will be tolerated or with any perceived weakness they see in you or your DH.

You said that she's your little mate. Just be careful. You can have fun with her but do not invest too much time and god forbid financial resources and/or make changes to your career/goals/lifestyle for her. This board is full of people, mainly SM's, who have given way to much to skids only to be dismissed or stabbed in the back, often because of alienation from the BM. No matter what, the kid will align with mom not SM. It doesn't have to be a choice, but many BM's force it to be. Protect yourself.