I hate my stepdaughter
Ok y'all, I'm new here, and like everyone else, I am needing some support. I have been married for 3 years, I have a 6yo stepdaughter and a almost 2 year old son of my own. I LOVE being a mom, but I HATE being a stepmom. I get so annoyed by her over little things. It's to the point now that I am never happy around her. and she is here all the time. Her bio mom is on drugs and only has supervised visits every other weekend. Her dad (my hubbs) works a lot and has a lot of hobbies so that leaves me as her primary caregiver most of the time. My son adores her. and that's what makes this so painful. I don't want to tear the family apart because he needs her. I have tried to like her for his sake--and as much as i love him you'd think that would be enough--but it's not. It has been like this for a while. I dread the years to come--the pre-teen years and the teenage years... i just know things are going to get worse. I've talked with my hubby about it. he understands that i dont love her like she's my own and that i'm not going to treat her like she is. but he doesn't understand why i hate her. and that's the thing--i don't know why i hate her either! I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. i have tried medication. that didn't work. i am currently coming off of the medicine to see if it has made it worse. i feel so stuck. like i can't get a divorce. for one i love my husband sooooooo much. for two my son needs his sister and his dad. We can't send her back to her real moms with her on drugs. so this is my only option. i've tried therapy. i've talked to family, i have no friends or i'd talk to them, too. It is just so frustrating. like so much of my emotional energy goes into hating this little girl who hasn't done anything except be annoying (which all kids are at some point and time... my son can drive me crazy but i still love him to pieces). and all of this energy could be used to be kind to her if i could just turn it around. Because i am mean to her and very rude. I dont want to be. I've prayed so much about this thinking that God would be the only way to fix me. i honestly feel like i'm going to feel like this forever. and only it won't last forever. my marriage wont last much longer like this. my husband is getting to the point where he isn't going to deal with it anymore. and i don't blame him. i wouldn't deal with anyone treating my son like this. that makes me want to remove myself for all of our well-beings, but then it tears the entire family apart. i just dont know what to do anymore. i am so tired of feeling like this. i hate hating her. i really honestly do. Maybe it will get a little better once all this self distancing is over and she can go back to school and i can get my mind on college this fall. If you can offer any advice, please do. because i am at such a dead end right now. i feel like nothing can fix me.
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What is it about SD that you
What is it about SD that you hate?
Do you think you hate the situation or do you actually hate SD? I know stepparents can have very different feelings towards their stepkids and be confused about it. Sometimes the anger and hatred can be misdirected or be symptoms of a larger problem in the family.
This is a kindergartner. Her
This is a kindergartner. Her mom is a loser and her dad is too busy with his own life to bother with her.
I feel so bad for this little girl!
You haven't mentioned anything that she does, just her mere existence bothers you. The fact that you are mean and hateful to a young child is horrible. I would hope that your husband wouldn't stand for it, I certainly wouldn't if it was my child.
Honestly, my best advice it to put on your big girl panties and treat this child with basic kindness and decency. You don't have to love her but you do have to treat her like she matters.
He doesn't get to have tons
He doesn't get to have tons of hobbies if he can't take care of his daughter. She should be his priority.
Two thoughts
I deeply resented my 3 step-children, now in their fifties, but now realize that it wasn't so much the children, but the fact that it felt like they had been dumped on me (they were). I resented the BM, too, how could she be such a *uck up that this could be? I realize now that i also resented my DH for putting me in that position. Do you think any of this sounds familiar?
The other thing is thst I was in a very desperate and depressed state when I went to counseling. That was the best money I ever spent. It had a positive effect on not only me but the other 6 people in my house. I know you said you've been in therapy, but I'd try again, with someone different.
I'm really hoping for the best for you and your family. I'll be thinking about you and hope you let us know how it goes.
It sounds like she might have
It sounds like she might have become the target for your frustrations with your absent husband. If he's concerned, maybe he should give up his time-consuming hobbies and actually spend some time parenting his child.
It's normal to resent having to take on full responsiblity for a child that is not your own. Also, many people are being driven crazy by their children now that everyone is home all the time. However, most people feel love for their children, so they can let it go. It's also normal to not feel love for your stepchild, but this is an unsustainable situation for all of you. Your husband needs to step up and take on his parenting responsibilities. He is taking advantage of you and then getting angry with you because you resent being taken advantage of. He is essentially putting his child in this position. If he's not willing to step up, then you should leave. You will only harm the child, yourself, and your child if you stay and he will blame you for it, instead of owning up that all of this is his responsibility.
I understand everything you
I understand everything you said. I feel very similar. I think it's resentment. I can't even look at my stepson most days. I have let go of as much of responsibility as I possibly can over the past two years. And then last month, I have disengaged even more. We spend zero time together even though he is here all day and dad is working. I just couldn't take it anymore. It's not nice of me I know but he wasnt enjoying my company either. The separation has eased by anxiety. You need a break. Your husband has to be the number one parent. My husband was under this myth that we were going to be a blended family truly where I assume mommy role. That didn't work for us. Find what dynamic works for you. Spending all your time with a child that isn't yours wont work. We even need space from our own children sometimes!
Her dad (my hubbs) works a
Her dad (my hubbs) works a lot and has a lot of hobbies so that leaves me as her primary caregiver most of the time.
Oh hell no! That is the problem right there. I totally understand if dad needs to work. HOWEVER, that is not a reason to justify putting everything on you. Totally unfair and I would ALSO resent both DH and SD. It's not YOUR responsibility to parent her. Her Dad should be doing a nighttime routine with her, spending quality ONE on ONE time with her, and also helping YOU out whenever he is home. He needs to put his "hobbies" on the backburner and start spending time with HIS daughter and supporting YOU. Has he ever asked you "what can I do to help?" I bet not.
My SD10 was around the same age when she became VERY aware of how her time was being spent. SD would be sent to our house "early" on her Mom's week because she "had plans." This in itself hurt SD. DH would always say okay to it, even if HE wasn't available. This left SD to only being with me. I could sense that she felt the resentment too of being bounced around without being asked anything. SD and I were both in the same boat. We never resented each other, just the lack of parenting by BOTH of her parents. I bet your SD is feeling pretty similar. It is a situation that neither of you asked for, however you have both been forced into it together.
Your husband has a lot of
Your husband has a lot of hobbies? Leaving you as primary caregiver?
He is grossly misinformed. So are you.
His hobbies are gone because HE Is primary care giver of his little girl.
HE makes arrangements for day care. HE finds a sitter for his daughter when he wants to go out and play with the boys.
Your obligation is to your 2 year old.
edit to add-please be kind to this little girl. IF you can not, pack UP your stuff and leave. But, really this problem is dh leaving you to take care of his daughter. MAKE IT STOP today. or call it a day with this relationship.
Your problem is DH
He one should not be working a lot. Or have any hobbies that does not include his DD. Or find childcare for his DD when doing his hobbies. His hobbies or job should be his DD and his DS
Exactly. His daughter should
Exactly. His daughter should come before any "hobbies"... She is HIS responsibility, not anyone else's. Make him understand that.
I can actually relate to a
I can actually relate to a lot of what you said. I cannot stand my SD. She is slightly older than yours. But she does give me reasons to dislike her. She is disrespectful, smart mouthed, nasty, with a snarky attitude. She's a miniature version of her mother and that's not a good thing. I have a toddler aged bio daughter who absolutely loves her older sister which makes it even harder because lately all SD does is talk about how annoying bio daughter is.
However, it sounds to me as though you're just resentful due to being forced to play mom to this little girl. That is not your job! Your husband needs to give up his time consuming hobbies yesterday and be around to take care of his daughter. She is his responsibility. You are not obligated to take on the mom role just because her bio mom sucks. My husband used to leave me alone with SD when he would go out with friends or whatever. I let him know that when she was here, he needed to be here. End of sentence.
Yeah, I'm with the others -
Yeah, I'm with the others - he doesn't get to have ANY hobbies that mean you have to take care of his daughter, unless you agree to it.
I don't think you hate her - I think you resent that you are stuck parenting her. Tell your DH to grow up and take care of the child that he created with a drug addicted woman, because it's not your job to be her mother.
I totally relate to your
I totally relate to your frustrations. I do love my SD but I find myself resenting her at times.
My sd BM is also only allowed supervised visits because of her drug use. I find myself very easily aggravated and extremely annoyed with zero patience for my SD many times. And like you, I feel horribly guilty about having negative emotions towards a child.
what I find that I have to remind myself is that SHE is not the cause of my frustation... my frustion is with BM and the havoc that she creates in my life and I find myself losing patience towards SD because I see her as an extension of the havoc BM creates. I also get frustrated because I sometimes feel like a third wheel in my relationship with my SO. Like I am 2nd fiddle because I know she will always be his priority. And she should be, she is a child after all. But it still hurts to feel like I am less important. And like you I deal with depression and anxiety. And that's contributing to the problem because my emotions overwhelm me sometimes and I can't think clearly and then feel like an asshole because I can't figure out why I feel the way I do... and start telling myself that its just because I am a bad person.
its not fair to anyone, but it's the reality.
I think you resent BM because you have to be a mom because she failed at it. She dumbed her responsibility on you but still gets the "mommy" title while you do the work.
i think you may not be willing to admit it, but you are angry with your SO because he does the same thing. He gets hobbies to unwind from his hard work... what do you get? he gets to have lots of time to himself to pursue his own interests and he, just like BM is leaving you holding the bag.
they only way this will get better is for you to put boundaries in place. You need time to take care of you. You cannot take care of anyone else if you are not meeting your own needs. For me, I have found that yoga and meditation have helped a lot. I still have bad days but now I can at least "reset" myself. I have explained this my my SO and he supports this.My so will make sure he and SD don't disturbe me and give me that time I need for myself no questions asked.
if your DH loves you, he will give you time to practice self care and self love. If he is unwilling to give you the breaks that he insists on taking for himself then it's time to go.
much love sweetie, if you ever need to chat just messsge me