Help me!!! My other stepson just moved in. Now I'm stuck with two adult stepsons at home!!!!!
Hi. I'm new and I had to create an account because I don't know how to handle this situation. I need to vent and get some advice. Sorry, but this might be long.
My boyfriend lives with me and he has 3 adult sons. His oldest son is a college graduate and he lived with his mom, but my boyfriend told me that she's moving somewhere else and he didn't want to follow his mother, so he asked if he could stay with us for a few days while he finds a place to stay. I agreed because I thought it was just temporarily.
Well, it turns out that my boyfriend treats his son like a baby. He cooks for him, does his laundry,pays his phone bill and supports him financially while he's at home. His son already has a career because he finished college in May last year and he's been at my house 3 months without working or sh andaving money to live on his own. He hasn't worked since he graduated and my boyfriend says it's because college was hard so he wanted to take some time off. Right now he's NOT paying any rent while he's living with us. Actually, my boyfriend gave him a credit card for his needs while he takes his precious time to look for a job. It's not that he can't find a job., but my boyfriend makes his life easy
His other son is currently in his first semester at a university and he's more mature. He went to a University 5 hours away and he sleeps on campus, so at least he's not so dependent of his parents. The problem is that last night my boyfriend told me: "My son is here".He basically told his son to come to my house without even asking for my permission and he showed up with a suitcase and all his belongings because they closed the entire University because of the Coronavirus outbreak. Now I have 2 adult stepsons at my 1 bedroom apartment.
I know it's not my stepson's fault that they closed the university and he needs to stay somewhere. I can't be heartless during these difficult times but my apartment is small and i don't have much food or money to feed his adult sons. I don't know if my boyfriend will make him stay somewhere else but he stayed with us last night.
What makes me upset is his other son. Do you find it normal for a college graduate to sleep on the flooor rather than finding his own place? i don't have a couch, so they have to sleep on the floor in my living room.
I'm scared I will be stuck with my stepson until my boyfriend pushes him to work and be on his own. I don't know how long that might take. The economy might go down with this virus and I'm screwed, as my privacy and peace at home is gone. I'm starting to feel resentment towards my boyfriend. I don't understand why my boyfriend's sons are in my house. They should go with their mom but apparently she's living with her sister.
And it's so hard to even talk to my boyfriend because if I complain about my stepsons, he thinks I'm the evil stepmother that doesn't like them. My boyfriend and I are currently paying the rent but his sons are not paying anything.
HELP ME!!!!!!!!
Quit feeding them
Quit feeding them. You said, "...i don't have much food or money to feed his adult sons." Why is your boyfriend expecting you to pay for food for his kids? Seriously, buy enough for yourself, lock it away, and they will either start paying for their own food or move out.
Then, tell your boyfriend his kids have 30 days to move out or you will start eviction proceedings. I realize the virus complicates this, but tell him that anyway. If he doesn't like it, they can all move out.
Congratulations!
Welcome to Steptalk. Im sorry you have to be here, but not sorry that you ARE here - glad actually. Spend some time in the adult step kids forum and read as much as you can stomach. The problems are the SAME, as are the SOLUTIONS, although each situation has its own unique nuances.
During these times, its REALLY hard because things are "excused" through all the lockdowns. Where I am (California) we have closures and lockdowns, so skids have valid excuses, and parents do as well...that being said...
1. Your not married. I dont know how long you have been together, but its not too late to rethink/think really hard about this relationship. Your SO is showing you who he truly is. He is acting like a Guilty Dad. He has to make it up to kiddos that he divorced their mom.
2. How dare he overstep and not confer with you FIRST, before skidult shows up with his stuff on your doorstep. AGAIN, he is showing you who he truly is. Believe him. At this point he has tested that little boundary and got away with it. Expect more of the same.
3. Have SO pay for himself, AND his 2 offspring. YUP. You pay 30% of EVERYTHING, he pays 70%. You do NOT feed these adults. Amazon is hiring like crazy, grocery stores need help. They can BOTH find work, no problem. Insist on this as a requirement...see how fast they find other places to live!
4. Ground rules and timeline. Discuss with all three at the same time - without first discussing with SO, who apparently thinks your evil anyway and apparently doesnt need to discuss with YOU first. Normally I would reccomend that you "get on the same page", but he is too far gone enabling his precious offspring. Doing laundry for them? cooking and cleaning for them? PPPPPPFFFFFFFFT.
Agreed, although
I would insist on paying 25% if I was OP, considering there is now 4 people in her home and she should only pay for herself. Leave everything up to her SO to organise, cook, clean etc as he is already doing it for her precious adult sons, so he can just do it for the whole household, which OP didn't agree to living with in the first place. Yes, I can be that petty, in that if SO is happy to be the maid for his willfully unemployed adult kids, he surely would want to do it for OP too, right? You know, seeing the first SS who lived there "needed a break" as college was so hard, maybe OP also needs a break from adult life.
In all seriousness, this just isn't on. OP's home is is not a shelter and for OP not to be involved with the decisions is inexcusible.
^^^^THIS^^^^
^^^^THIS^^^^
Did the ex move away to get
Did the ex move away to get rid of SS? Sounds like he wouldn't move out so she moved far away.
College SS obviously didn't plan to be there. Unexpected school closing can really mess things up. But, school would be finishing in early May. What would be have done then? Was the plan to move in with you all along.
You are not stuck. Dad needs to find an apartment and move with his sons. You have a one bedroom. Do not agree to move to a bigger apartment to accommodate them. If he is willing to cook and do laundry while adult son does nothing, there is not much hope for your relationship.
Set your boundary now, before son number three arrives.
Well, from what I know BM
Well, from what I know BM moved someplace else because she lived in a big house and her kids were all grown up so she wanted a cheaper house but the entitled son didn't want to live with her in another house. Actually he seemed upset they were putting their bigger house for rent.
I'm not paying for my stepsons food but I'm the one that cooks and what my boyfriend buys is not enough for everyone. I know he can't afford more food but he doesn't tell his son to help out.
i pay half of the rent and some utilities, as well as my car insurance and gas money. I think everyone should pay for something but his son isn't. He plays a lot of video games while he's at home.
Kick the Skidult out of the
Kick the Skidult out of the house. Adults do not get to reside in any home without the express concent of both of the partners in the relationship.
My boyfriend does cook for
My boyfriend does cook for him but since most of the time I get home first after work I end up cooking and I feel bad not offering his son anything
Nobody leaves a comfortable
Nobody leaves a comfortable situation. Stop making it so comfortable. Civility and politeness need to leave the room when confronting parasitic spawn. Bluntness and facts are called for. I'd put limits on the WiFi if you can. Password given when chores are done. Food is earned , not expected. Sex is given to a man who respects you and makes it clear his sons are to respect you too. Things can get pretty nasty quick in a small apartment and the only ones who get to stay are the ones on the lease. Make them uncomfortable with facts.
This.
Utilities, including wifi, and cooking come after rent is paid. I would also set up an equal roster of cooking/cleaning etc for all adults in the home. As other posters so often comment, you have a DH problem. If you can, speak to him truthfully about your discomfort with the current arrangements including acting as maid for his offspring, and let him know you are not willing to continue paying for his choices, or working in the home to provide for adults who choose not to provide for themselves.
The current pandemic is causing chaos, but even in situations where there are limited jobs (although menials jobs abound) if adequate market rent and board cannot be paid, it can be worked off via chores, shopping etc. Good luck!
Some places, like Walmart,
Some places, like Walmart, are actually hiring.
Oh hell no! Two Skidmandults
Oh hell no! Two Skidmandults in your one BR apartment along with your clearly judgementally challenged SO and you? No only no but hell no.
Time to give SO clarity that his adult children are not minors and there is no room for them. The college graduate needs to move out immediately and head for either his own place or the local homeless camp.
smh
This is so pathetically mind boggling to me that I shudder to comprehend of how clueless your SO is.
Good luck with this shit show.