OT - Update
I had therapy last week... Which honestly went well. We talked, she helped some of my mental stability. We established that from talking to him and me. That he loves control, which he perceives as actual love. Which doesn't line up with my non-insane perception of love. She asked if I felt things had improved at all, and I said no, so we chatted about that for a while. I expressed several times that I didn't get why I still cared at all after all the s*** we'd been through because of him, she finally said that I definitely did know and we both know it's the girls. She's right. The woman is brilliant.
We came up with a safetly plan, which involves keeping my phone on me 100% of the time just in case. If he acts crazy, call 911, threatens suicide? Call 911. Etc. The goal is to avoid being around him as much as possible, even though she knows that'll be hard as it will continue to set him off as well.
The plan WAS to play nice until all my duckies were in a row, so that it could all be done in one swoop vs. continuously making him angry.
We discussed that he's gotten me co-depednent and more enmeshed than I should be, and that I need to realize that I can't save anyone. If he's going to do things that risk the kids, then he's going to do them. If Psycho is going to do drugs around the kids, she will. I can't stop it. Nothing I say or so will ever solve that. So I have to figure out how to keep myself safe and take care of myself first.
She asked what the plan would be post-divorce. We discussed that it would be important for me to gain some control over my life again, get my own place, keep my good job, basically be a little selfish for a while as I heal. We also discussed that unfortunately I'll likely lose the lose the girls, how it's not going to be healthy for either party for me to continue involvement unless he could be amicable. But we know he likely won't be. So i'll have to grieve their loss.
.......
Fastforeward. Friday he calls because my subscription that he bought me on a yearly thing (as part of his suck-up after cheating regimine) came out of his account. I called Adobe and cancelled the subscription and asked for a refund to be sent. So naturally while I was doing that he called the bank and reported it as fraud (which totally makes sense *eye roll*). So his card was cancelled and he had no snacks for the girls. So I went ahead and bought some snacks to drop off. I was sick, but hey, girls need snacks. I kept my mom on the phone... It turned into a HUGE fight. Becuase I should be there, and why am I not, and can't I give him more money??? And can't I send money back that he's sent me? And yada yada... I wouldn't kiss him or anything which pissed him off more. So I stopped playing nice. Told him I'd be there the next morning to get my stuff while he's working and he should expect paperwork when it's finished. Then I left, while he screamed about how s*** of a human being I am.
......
So Saturday I go with Psycho's Dad and SM (who have been AWESOME to me) and get my stuff out of the house. It's currently stored in their basement until I find a place. Contacted the landlord about it all. She's contacting him this week about signing a new lease. EVERYTHING is out. I haven't spoken to him besides a phone call with the girls to assure them I love them and none of this is their fault and that I'm proud of them. I mean he's sending messages OF COURSE, but still.
When I went to get my stuff though. Homie took the TV I BOUGHT to work with him to ensure I wouldn't take it. I don't care much. I called the lawyer though and asked what the law would be on me taking bigger items. He told me to air on the side of caution, but take what I'd like. Only to air on caution becuase even though I'm not breaking a law exactly. He can call and report me and make life hard for a while, which would mean fighting that BEFORE the divorce. And NOPE.
......
So there's an update. I'm now looking at possible houses I could move to so that I can start progressing my life. One where he'll have no clue where I live.
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Comments
I'm so sorry it ended like
I'm so sorry it ended like this. I've followed your story for ages.
Im glad you are getting out though. My ex was similar to yours at the end. Just remember, it's always darkest before dawn. . .
I’m so glad to hear
I’m so glad to hear everything’s out PA. I agree you need to let the girls go, and block his number. Any communicating can be done via the lawyers. If he doesn’t have money or food for his girls he can figure it out. I know you care for them but this is better for everyone.
PLEASE tell me what you are
PLEASE tell me what you are afraid of.
What I mean is:
What part of life with out him, scares you.
Discussed all this with my
Discussed all this with my therapist too. She thinks it's the inexperience and frankly the kids. Not wnating to fully let go of them, and him taking advantage of the fact I lack experience in the relationship department. But she's helping me work thorugh all that chaos.
You are afraid of another relationship
You are afraid of another relationship because of your inexperience with men? If so, personal experience tells me you will be fine.
My first husband was also the first man I ever slept with - and it wasn't because of religion. I only dated a couple of times in high school and was quite convinced no man would ever want me. I met him when I was 19 and he was 28. I discovered sex and fell in love and he was ready to get married, so we did. 5 years later we divorced. I grew up and changed and he didn't - he also had a drinking problem. We didn't have kids, so the break was clean.
I then discovered that I was attractive to men and went on to date a lot before I got married again. My point here is that even though I was very inexperienced before I got married, I figured things out quickly once I was single again. You will too. You now know a whole lot more about what you need and what you deserve and that will serve you well when you start dating again. Plus, you will have access to all advice from all the wise women on this site! Don't let your fear of starting again keep you with this horrible guy.
It's less that I'm afraid,
It's less that I'm afraid, but more of that's the mental hold-up. If that makes sense?
I'm not scared to start again, actually being in a house completley alone with my dogs sounds BEYOND relaxing right now.
PA, seriously?!?! I know you
PA, seriously?!?! I know you care about the girls but the snacks was total manipulation to get you over there. He knows you won't let the girls suffer. You need to STAY THE EFF AWAY FROM HIM AND HIS GIRLS. I know you care about them but trying to hold onto the relationship with them is playing right into psycho's manipulation. Unfortunately they have a mom and a dad that both suck but you can't do anything about that. Block his number before you end up being another statistic.
No more favours for the girls
No more favours for the girls as exdh is using them to hurt/control/abuse/manipulate you.
YOU know this. The sad thing is that these children are being weaponised and they are also being hurt in all this. So please consider this; if you love these girls then look at the bigger picture, that they dont need to hear their psycho dad going ape towards you, see these games being played with you as the centre piece. They must be so worried about you. Protect yourself and shield them as much as you can by taking yourself out of the equation.
No one "needs" snacks. Snacks
No one "needs" snacks. Snacks are not an emergency. Going there knowing he is home keeps you engaged in this mess. Get out and don't look back
You're doing great. Things
You're doing great. Things are moving forwards and you are starting to visualize and plan for your future. A couple of miss-steps are bound to happen, but as long as you keep spotting them and taking different actions next time you'll be just fine.
I hope that together with your therapist you can find a way to grieve your lost relationship with the girls so that you can move on and focus on yourself. You deserve a life away from this chaos.
BethAnne, I'm loving all your
BethAnne, I'm loving all your advice recently.
PAI, we've chatted a lot about this. It's hard, and sometimes you have to keep burning your hand before you realize the stove is still hot.
But this is progress. Getting your stuff out is progress. Having your goodbye with the girls (and that's what that was, please don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise), which I know you needed, is progress. Finding a place to live on your own is progress. Continuing to work with your counselor is progress.
Next step? Block him. The landlord is going to deal with the rental and knows the situation. You have an attorney handling the divorce. Your stuff is out. You control your own money. You have no reason to talk to him anymore. No reason to deal with his hateful texts. Block his number and erase it from your phone.
You're almost there. You're almost totally out. Keep taking those steps forward. I'm proud of you.
So wonderful to read this
So wonderful to read this report my friend!! Proud of you! Sure, some mistakes can happen. Of course he manipulated you about the snacks, after all, it's YOUR fault the bank cancelled his card you know? Here's the thing...because I've had this happen before, he CAN go into the bank and get a temporary card or CASH while he waits for his new debit card....did you know this? Now you do. Yep, time for cord cutting. Since the landlord told him he has to sign a new lease now, you can block his phone n.
PLEASE for a while, stay away from the church you both frequent or ANY place you know he may be at. Be careful coming/going to work. Be extra vigilant....this IS your most dangerous time. Listen to your gut at all times. Change your routine, driving routes, all of it. You may seriously want to consider having your attorney write up a protection order.
I SO want to shove my size 9
I SO want to shove my size 9 Harley boot up so far up his arse that it makes contact with his tonsils and he gags.
Darlin...
NO MORE!!!
The girls needs snacks, food, toilet paper, scrunchies... he can bloody well call his parents for that. PA, I know you love those girls, but they are NOT your responsibility and it is NOT your responsibility to pick up his slack. You've been doing it for 3 years. STOP NOW. Just STOP.
Your therapist is right: you have to let them go. I know it's hard. BTDT. Please understand that he will continue to lie to them and USE them to get what he wants: YOU back under his thumb. He cares more about using them as a TOOL.
I wish you would have listened to me and NOT told that farking icehole that you were getting your stuff. Oh, well. If there were 2 tvs in the house, you are entitled to one. YOUR LAWYER can request that you get the tv you want and the tv you took can be returned to asshat when he returns YOURS. As far as YOU being present for this exchange? You can sit in the back of a police car or another safe place, verfity that it IS your tv, AND have someone verify that it works BEFORE he gets the other tv. You do not have to speak with that miserable POS.
You said your goodbyes to the girls. Going forward, everything needs to be handeled through the legal system.
I said before, I'll say again. YOU BEING SAFE IS EVERYTHING.
PAI, Aniki makes an excellent
PAI, Aniki makes an excellent point about your XH having parents that can help out.
I know you feel like they'll suffer, but DO remember that they have three sets of grandparents that won't let anything bad actually happen to them. GBM and BM's sister did try to put a buffer around the damage Psycho could do. Your XMIL has the space to allow the girls to live with her. BM's dad and SM are helping you, so I have no doubt they'll step in to provide for the girls.
Even if their parents' suck, they have family that will support them. They won't be destitute. In fact, you not being there may actually shed a very bright light on how much Psycho and XH suck, and the GPs can then step in and do more to help their grands.
Do not put yourself in harm's way to do something that someone else can do without repercussion. Especially when that other person/people have more authority and responsibility than you do.
I don't understand why you
I don't understand why you are still having anything to do with him - and I'm afraid he's going to hurt or kill you. Sorry to be blunt - but this has to end immediately before something terrible happens.