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"A piece of paper doesn't entitles you to be family to me"

DeadInDetails's picture

Hi. 

First of all I would like to say I'm very happy I found this place.

7 years ago I met a wounderful man, we fell in love and started to date. He was divorced and I was a single mom. He had a 15 yo daughter and I had a 12 yo daughter. 

From day 1 his daughter was always very cold towards me. Very, very cold. To be fair, she was never rude, always did her chores, was a good student, but, never gave me and my daughter a chance. She never accepted to do anything just me and her or me, my daughter and her. She never got along with my daughter. Me and my daughter were like two workmates to her. Just a cold civility and that's all.

When I moved with her dad I asked her how she would like me to call her, "my name" was her answer. She never asked how I would like to be called. She always called me be my name. Fine, I just let her set the pace, but honestly, it kinda disappointed me.

My family tried connect with her and was always rebuffed. Once my mom joking said she had 2 beautiful GD and 1 beautiful GS (my brother's son). She asked my mom if she had another child who had a daughter. My mom confused said "no, I always talking about you, my dear". She camly said: "I'm not your GD, ma'am. I would appreciate if never call me that again". My mom was shocked and hurt. My husband said he wouldn't accept that kind of behavior and she said she would admit "strange people" forcing family ties on her. We left my mother's house and my husband and his daughter had a huge fight.

She would always return the gifts we would give to her. ALWAYS. After the second year, I gave up.

3 years later she went to college and left our house. She used to stay one week, then went to her mother's house. Her mother's family is pretty wealthy and was paying her education. 

Fast foward, she graduated, started to work on her grandpa's company and started to date a girl. The girl is pretty beautiful. She rarely talks to my husband and always says she is busy.

Last month a cousin of her married and we were invited. She was with her girlfriend and sat at a table next to mine. When she was alone, I decided to sit at her table and talk with her. She was cordial and cold, as usual. I took a deep breath and finally asked her why she treated me that way.

"What way?", "Like I were a workmate, not part of your family"; "But you're not my family", "I'm sorry, I am your family, I married your dad, that makes me family", "No, it doesn't. A piece of paper doesn't entitles you to be family to me. Entitles you to be a wife to my dad." I was speechless, but she continued: "That post-modernity... First of all, there's no such thing as step'whatevers', it doesn't exist. I already have a mom and don't need a step, bonus, updated, with lasers mom. Second, there's no such thing as blended family, once the family is broken, it's forever.  When you married my dad, he said out loud his choice. You were not my option. I have an obligation to accept you as his wife, but as family? No, I'm not obligated. I never disrespected you, just set my boundaries. Go in the 'father's wife' way and we will go smooth, try the 'stepbullshit' way and we're going to have troubles. I'm about to marry my GF, I don't expect my dad to accept her as his relative, just as my wife. My wife won't become his daughter in Jesus, in-law, in Allah just because we married. If he decides he wants to be 'in-law', fine, but I'm not asking anything". "By the way, I said exactly the same thing to my mom, so there's no PAS or other bullshit".

I was complete speechless. My eyes were filled with tears. 

I knew she never saw me as family, but I couldn't believe what I heard.

I got hurt. I expected more when I entered that marriage. I know, nobody can be blamed for my expectations, but I can't say I'm not hurt...

 

Comments

24 years as a SM's picture

I understand that what your husbands daughter said to you was very upsetting, but read through all the forums and blogs and you will find out that you were very very lucky. Most of us on here had Skids that were Jekyll and Hyde to us as they grew up, we never knew what personality would show up for a visit.

You are also very blessed to have a husband that would not put up with disrespectful crap, most of us have dealt with a Disney Dad for many years. DAH(Dumb A$$ Husband) and I are coming up on our 30th anniversary and I wonder how we made it this long. DAH was a Disney Dad for many years, and I continued to take all of SD37(Leech) and DAH's crap. I finally grew a spine, things changed over the last two years to where our marriage is very strong.

CLove's picture

The cold-pragmatic-you-are-not-family-you-are-dads-wife thing.

She seems very intelligent, but missing that "sensitivity gene". She felt like her world was blown up and now there is a new woman in dads life. If infidelity was not the cause of the breakup, she really has no reason why she has not accepted you into her heart, well then she was clear - back off. Back waaaaaaaaay off. Put all that love and attention and energy and time and YOU-ness into the folks that actually WANT it. A hard lesson to learn, heartbreaking, but hey - this was what you probably needed to hear anyways.

while technicaly correct - a peice of paper does not entitle you to use the word "family" your MARRIAGE is MORE than a piece of paper, and if she doesnt UNDERSTAND exactly what marriage to another person IS, then she has no business actually being married!!!!! But thats all just conversation, right? Shes obviously in love and wanting a union with her partner.

She not only rejected, you, but your ENTIRE family. She sounds stubborn, and cold hearted.

At any rate, do not invest any $$$ into her from this point forward. "Dad's wife doesnt need to buy presents for non-family daughter". Dad can do that, her wealthy "real family" can do that. Attend the wedding, and smile your way through it. Take her at face value, no further contact necessary.

I have a horrid SD20 who continually treats me as "dads wife" and trash talks me and calls me names - but bonus - is no contact. But I also have SD13 who loves me, is sweet and kind to me and thinks of me as family.

Guess who I pour my love and attention on?

The one that DESERVES me and my wonderfulness!

Your SD doesnt deserve you or DD, so give her what she has so politely asked for and get her out of your head.

DeadInDetails's picture

Thanks for your reply.

But honestly, I couldn't invest any money on her. She earns more than me and my DH combined...

hereiam's picture

I'm sorry that you are hurt.

I understand what she is saying, but I don't understand such coldness, refusing your gifts, and rebuffing ANY attempts to connect as something other than strangers. She doesn't want to consider you and your family as her family, fine, but surely there is something in between? She was downright rude to your mom.

Now you know not to waste any more time, energy, and emotion on her. She is the one missing out, you seem like a decent, caring person.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'd like to offer you both sympathy and maybe perspective.

My DH has a fairly pragmatic relationship with his parents. He loves them in his own way, but he won't be devastated when they die. He doesn't see the need in communicating with them frequently. It's not that he is cold so much as he sees himself as an adult and his efforts need to be placed elsewhere - like raising his own kids and caring for his immediate family.

That is anathema to me. My family is blended seven ways to Sunday. I have step-everything. They are all family (minus a step sister but she's a real piece of work).

If my DH's parents had remarried when he was a teen, or now, he'd have been polite and respectful, but he would have reacted very similarly to your SD in regards to the type of relationship he'd have. His parents showed him that not all relationships last, so he doesn't get attached to people that he doesn't have full control over the type of relationship he has with them. He likes my parents and siblings, but they aren't his family - they are my family. If we get divorced, he doesn't want to feel obligated to maintain a relationship, and he would if he considered them family.

For him, he loves wholeheartedly the people he CHOOSES to love. He could find himself loving and having a good relationship with a family member of mine, or the new spouse of one of his parents. But that relationship would be entirely based upon that person as a person. And honestly, he'd likely not try unless they were just really interesting to him because then his personal life would become complicated if there was divorce, and he's not interested in more complication than he already has.

I'm more willing to get hurt. He's not. It's not a risk he is willing to take, and it's not a risk your SD is willing or wanting to take, either. It's her call who she forms relationships with. It has nothing to do with you as a person. She'd feel this way no matter who her father married. It's about the connection, and you'll always be a potentially impermanent one that she has no control over the permanency of.

It's not you. Don't take it personal, even though I know it hurts.

DeadInDetails's picture

Maybe you're right.

Specially because she said exactly the same thing regarding her mother's husband.

 

tog redux's picture

Can I be honest here? She's right. You aren't family to her, you are dad's wife.  She's correct that you marrying her father doesn't make her in any way obligated to see you as a family member. She was at least respectful and civil to you, if a bit harsh when people were just trying to be kind to her (your mother).

While I get that you feel hurt, your expectations were unrealistic - what did you hope she would call you? My SS has always called me by my name.  He likes me okay, but I don't know if he sees me as "family" or not. I don't expect him to, really.

I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. I do think some people go into stepparenting with unrealistic expectations, and it hurts when those are not met.  But she is honest in telling you how she feels, and she's not wrong. Now perhaps you can build a reasonable relationship with her as "Dad's wife".

thinkthrice's picture

to see HER partner divorce her ass and then not be accepted by the next family she infiltrates.

Angel

DeadInDetails's picture

Honestly, I doubt she would care.

The GF's father doesn't like the situation (yeah, he does not accept the fact his daughter is a lesbian) and she always says "I'm not dating her father or her father opinions, I'm dating her. She is the one who has to accept me, not him, not anyone else", according to my MIL.

shamds's picture

i was brought up that its polite and respectful to maintain a good relationship with your partners family.

if they have done no wrong to you, be friendly civil and respectful and you will receive the same in kind. But be a disrespectful rude shit from day one with such attitude then you sabotage any relationship. If you love your partner then you also want them to have a great relationship with their family

that said there are major dysfunctional families out there and of their own doing have sabotaged a relationship wih their own family members and their spouses, so i get not wanting to be cordial. In this case she just decided to have an attitude from day 1 just because

its funny how she claims you aren’t family but if you were to migrate to another country for example, stepsiblings and half siblings are meant to be noted as they are considered family, even your siblings, parents, grandparents and cousins often must be noted.

funny how she decided to bring jesus and allah into her ramblings. Christianity and Islam promote honesty, compassion, friendliness, respectfulness of elders and family, and to promote good relations with family and even your parents partner or spouse (even if they aren’t your bios), its part of promote a good relationship but this kid is damaged goods really isn’t she? I mean she wants to promote a bad relationship from day one- thats such a miserable way to live.

we often have issues with family and inlaws but we have a choice, to be the better and bigger person even if we chose to bite our tongue at times we know sometimes it just aint worth it... but this sd, she just a bitter negative and resentful person, people like that grow up to be such miserable old lonely farts and wonder why no one wants to be around them...

Live on with your life and the people that make you happy. For sd to even say that at a wedding, something to celebrate happiness and the union of 2 families, just proves she doesn’t understand the basic fundamentals or family or marriage- its just bullshit paperwork to her...

fyi i am muslim, my husband (his family/kids), my mum and her family and my dad are muslim, dads family are Roman Catholic and the way your sd has behaved or even my skids behave contradicts and goes against the basic teachings of the religion that they so desperately fake to pretend to be good practicers, followers and knowledgeable of.

i was watching a dr phil episode on blended families yesterday, he said once you enter a skids life after age 4-5, you just aren’t ever seen as family or a point of authority in the home, you are kind of the stranger. Its not always like this if you have been taught basic good values and manners. 

But this skid clearly hasn’t been taught basic good positive values, somewhere along the lines things got screwed up and she turned into a bitter negative resentful pessimist. So she has a kid in the future, yeah you aren’t family, her future fil isn’t her family by the sounds of it so she will still encourage that same bitter resentful relationship and guess what?? She sabotages any of her kids havig any kind of positive relationship with their grandparents and the grandparents may very well not want one with their grandkids too. Whats the purpose of behaving this way? Its like she intentionally acts out of spite with everyone and there is not an ounce of love, conpassion or affection within her so what on erth is she doing being in a relationship? Her lesbian girlfriend is just there for company and sex? There is no intention for her to build a well functioning family dynamic so she has no business really even getting involved in an intimate relationship and by the sounds of it she doesn’t at all seem like an intimate person 

another video of stepmums said why does it have to be so negative when a stepparent enters the pictre? Why can’t you ever see it as there are more people to love you? A new stepmum, stedad, step or half sibling and stepaunts/stepuncles and granduncles/grandaunts etc its just more family to love you and guide you?

my dad wants no relationship with my skids, after all the crazy shit they pull who would want one?? Funny thing is i am from a western country, hubby is asian and my country has way more opportunities than skids but they sabotaged ever benefiting or prospering from me or my family in my country because of their behaviour. 

Just remember this saying:

”the choices we make reveal the true nature of our character” 

DeadInDetails's picture

Thanks for your reply.

About the love thing with the "stepmom, SF, stepsiblings, etc" she always said it was just "pathetic people seeking validation for their acts". She always voiced that "stepbullshit doesn't exist". According to her, this is just "a post modernity bullshit". Once she said that "stepmoms and sf aren't trying to love or be any positive influence on sc, they're just trying to seek validation and acceptation from their partners and, subconsciously, trying to replace their partners' old partners'. Maybe not the parent way, but the figure that person represents." She also said that stepchildren will always be a painful remainder of someone's past. 

Her partner is pretty much like her. Both with business background, Sd is a psychologist, her partner an accountant. They desire no children. I don't think she resents nothing, she is just too pragmatic... 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I mean, she's not wrong. She isn't 100% right because she is young and lacks life experience, but she isn't wrong, either.

It would be rare for someone to purposefully seek out a relationship with someone with kids because they want to be a stepparent. Most of us just accept that stepkids exist, and most of us try to have a good relationship with them because we love our partners. That is what motivates us to connect with their kids - we love our partners and want to have a family with them, so we accept their pre-established family as part of the package. For a multitude of reasons, it doesn't always end up being a Brady Bunch-style blended family experience, but it usually starts with the adults wanting to please their new partner so they try to form bonds with their SKs.

And yeah, when you enter a new relationship, especially with someone who had a very bad previous relationship, it's VERY easy to try to be "the best" and outdo the previous partner. You want to show that you are different while also fulfilling whatever type of relationship role both you and the other person want. If you both want a serious relationship and to eventually become spouses, then you're more likely to show off how you'll be a good spouse - and likely avoid the things that made the last spouse a bad spouse (or what made you a bad partner before as well).

Everything we do as human beings is selfish, or at least self-serving. We get some sort of positive feedback for doing it, otherwise we wouldn't be inclined to do it. Where your SD is naive is in thinking that because it's self-serving that it inherently means it is disingenuous or malintentioned. I am kind and respectful to my SKs because it makes my DH happy, but I have relationships with them because we have shared interests and they are lovable kids. Every relationship has to start somewhere, and that somewhere is one that is self-serving.

You gain nothing with your DH by having a relationship with SD. You want a relationship with her for whatever reason you want a relationship with her. That's where her logic is flawed. She can't see past why relationships start despite being in a relationship that she has, hopefully, watched unfold and grow. I wouldn't argue this point with her, but know her logic is flawed long-term.

beebeel's picture

Of course she's a psychologist. Sigh. Why do the crazies gravitate toward this field?!? 

Nope, she's not "wrong." She just a cold, insecure little girl hiding behind some textbooks she just read.

shamds's picture

That anybody who does good in this life has an ulterior motive. The pope, mother theresa, those donating to charity and volunteering to help others all want validation for the good they do to bolster up their ego when instead they do this because its the right thing to do.

sd seems like such a pessimist. Everything is seen as a major obstacle when it never needs to be

BethAnne's picture

I’m not sure why you asked if you couldn’t cope with the answer that was pretty predictable from her previous behavior. She seems to have been very straight forward with showing what her feelings are over the years without branching into being disrespectful. 

Not everyone is going to like you in life, it hurts our pride when someone doesn’t like us especially when we can see no “reason” for it but you just have to accept it and move on. 

hereiam's picture

I think it's quite obvious that she has some emotional and intimacy issues, so I would not take it personally. It's her, not you.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

I know it was a hard thing to hear, but she isn't wrong.  Her father choose you and she had no say.  She didn't have to accept you as family.  She juat had to respect you, which it sounds like she did.  Be happy.  She is a productive member of society, who really has very little bearing on your relationship.  She does sound like a cold person.  She may one day find herself very lonely.  But for now, try to look at the positive.  She isn't actively trying to sabotage your relationship or cause you any harm.  Try to put your hurt feelings behind you.  Embrace her cold, civil attitude and move on with your life.  If you try to push a relationship that she clearly doesn't want, you will only succeed in alienating her further and making yourself miserable.

Cooooookies's picture

I might be in the minority but she disengaged from you.  It's rare that it happens to the SM as opposed to the SM doing it to the skids.  A bit extreme but, like you said, she was never rude.  Basic politeness.  Disengaged.  It's fair actually, just not what you were expecting...sums up the stepworld perfectly really.

Husband's wife's picture

I actually like what she said, it cannot be more clear. I also tend to think that DH's family altogether is not my family. Not his kid, his sisters and brothers, not his parents.

We all pretend for some reason, to keep it "normal" but to be honest, no one cares. I would love to have same boundaries and I am working towards it.
 

Because honestly, we are just a bunch of very different people that have nothing in common except DH, pretending that we are a family ? 
 

you are lucky! I am kinda jealous of what you have :) 

bearcub25's picture

I like it also.

OP, this is what my skids did;

I was referred to as the whore girlfriend (BM found a guy online and left DSO for him so no infidelity on his part).

SS11, at the time,  tried to break DSO and I up by becoming aggressive and violent.  He had rages and tried to kick out windows and holes in the walls of my house.

SS16, at the time, honestly sexually harassed me by waiting for me to walk thru the hall and he would try and rub my boobs or come up behind me and try and rub  his d!ck against me.

I kicked both boys out of my house.  DSO was free to go or not.

SD18, now was the only one that was at least respectful and didn't try and cause trouble and the only one I have any relationship with but it isn't all hugs and I love yous.  

Apprciate that she is a decent person that is living her own life and not trying to sabotage yours.

shamds's picture

i’d call the cops and he’d be out the house that day!! 

My husbands exwife had been hobagging an ex high school sweetheart 1 year prior to hubby separating and initiating divorce, exwife remarried week divorce paperwork was finalised all the while playing poor innocent single mum I don’t understand why my husband wants to divorce me but had a man on the side who promptly divorced his wife to marry hubbys ex while their kids were in school. Yeah kids didn’t even know their mum had a man on the side.

about 4.5 years later she hears from old coworkers at hubbys work that he was dating a Caucasian woman, she called hubbys eldest sister claiming i was a half naked christian whore and hubby had converted to christianity and she had to protect their 2 daughters from me. She saw an angle and spun it for the daughters who were brainwashed until it backfired when sd’s started asking questions since it was bloody obvious i wasn’t a half nake christian whore. Then exwife played the i’m a born again religious woman which her daughters lapped it up...

i just stay out of that level of crazy dysfunction. I mean i have told my husband even he knows and repeatedly admits the ex wife is off the charts batshit crazy and into all kind of crazy shit like seeing witch drs and doing black magic and hubby still sends pics of our toddlers to his daughters who forward everything to their mum, thats a major safety issue for me and i’ve repe Told hubby it needs to stop. His kids do not see us as family so stop trying so hard and force it upon them when they have shown no interest and especially when the things they do provide a security issue for our toddlers...

you just can’t fight the crazy, you just gotta stay out of it sometimes. Honestly what man wouldn’t punch someone for assaulting his wife like that?? Did your husband just say oh he didn’t mean it and he was a cod??

beebeel's picture

Sure, she's "not wrong." Sure, adult skids are allowed their feefees and they can disengage. But if a SM said those things to her adult SD, her effigy would be burning in every corner on the internet.

susanm's picture

Was thinking the same.  If a 58 year old SM said that to a 30 year old SD, the interweb world thirst for her blood.