You are here

So...I am going to the psychologist with my DD

piegirl's picture

Submitted by piegirl on Mon, 10/28/2019 - 4:34pm

She hasn't discussed with me what it is about, but my other DD has told me it is about the fact that she thinks I chose DH#2 over her. Not going to be easy, I spent the first year with him saying that he couldn't discipline my kids etc...that ended up in them treating him any way they liked. Not ok. So I told him he was well within his right to say that the behaviour was not acceptable when it occured (often while I was out). She was a difficult teen, but grown into a lovely adult. Bit nervous about what will happen...

Comments

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Mon, 10/28/2019 - 5:29pm

I hope she uses this opportunity to forge a stronger bond with you rather than an opportunity to throw all her anger at you.

piegirl's picture

Submitted by piegirl on Mon, 10/28/2019 - 6:03pm

I too hope her psychologist is competent! I know of the firm and they are well regarded so I am hopeful. I am so unsure of what will happen, I really hope there is no anger - I will be telling her that I really did my best, explain the reasons from the parent perspective, listen closely to her and apologise for any hurt that was inadvertently caused. I truly hope for both of us that there is nothing overly traumatic

Jcksjj's picture

Submitted by Jcksjj on Tue, 10/29/2019 - 11:38am

Let us know how it goes. I just saw a post on a different site the other day about a lady whining that her mom had chosen her new boyfriend over her by moving an hour away with him and seeing his kids and grandkids more often since they lived there. She was 38 and still thought her mom should live her whole life for her.

piegirl's picture

Submitted by piegirl on Tue, 10/29/2019 - 10:48pm

What DD wanted to discuss was historic - like 10 years ago...husband #2 is long gone. However, apparently she was crying out for help and thinks I ignored her. She cut herself and thinks I ignored her. I also found out that she hid everything very well (including the cutting) and said she wouldn't have told me even if I had asked at the time. I told her that I sent her to a psychologist and they said all is ok, just some teenage rebellion nothing too bad to worry about. I went to group step family class with my ex (was my DH at the time) to work out how to best deal with the situation. I thought I did as well as I could under the circumstances - she thinks differently. My other DD was going through a lot of trauma at that time and I think ODD is jealous of the time I spent with the DD. It really cut me to the core, I have been in a sea of tears because as I see it I must have completely missed the signs which means I am not as good a mother as I thought I was.

Conversly, I have also been angry. My Mom missed some important things in my life too, but rather than confront her when I was younger, I sat with it and realised that she was just a human being with flaws and realised she wasn't perfect. And that was ok. I knew she loved me and did the absolute best she could. However, my DD has chosen to bring me into this - afterwards she was fine and dandy - no problems. As for me? I had to go to my bedroom becuase I didn't want everyone seeing me cry all evening.

LuluOnce's picture

Submitted by LuluOnce on Wed, 10/30/2019 - 6:48pm

I feel she is being emotionally manipulative and you are playing right into it. So many questions: is your DD stable now? Does she self-harm now? Is she getting treatment for that and/or any other mental health issues on her own? At any point in the session, did she tell you what she wanted to gain by this?

Because it doesn't sound as if she was coming from a place of self-healing, where she wanted to let you know she was hurt and then accept your apology and move on. It sounds kind of like she wanted to tear you down, air her grievances and make you feel responsible for her own choices. Again, reading quickly, but correct me if I'm wrong.

I was a miserable teen with a nasty eating disorder and a boatload of other problems, many due to emotional neglect on the part of my mother. But as soon as I was old enough, I put myself in therapy and started working ON ME, not my mother. One of the core tenants of my therapy, and a big reason why I've never asked my mother to come to a session with me to "make amends" is because even if my mom was terribly, horribly sorry for everything she'd done when I was kid, it wouldn't change the reality I had as a child and teen and my poor coping skills (at the time).

My mom can regret whatever she did or didn't do as much as she wants, but the fact remains that her actions and inactions left me deeply hurt, isolated, and scared. However, those feelings don't belong to my mom. They belong to me. Even sharing these feelings with my mom will not change that I had them. Nothing will. And that's totally okay because I get to live the rest of my life making the choices for me and my family that I felt my mom should've made, thus releasing my mom and myself from this "victimhood" mentality where "everything that happened to me was all my mom's fault" and instead I 

I don't know what crackpot therapist thought this was a good idea for anyone. How did this help either of you? If she really just unloaded it all on you and walked away without any emotion, then I can't see how it was ever such a burden for her in the first place. Sheesh.

Give yourself some grace. You are sorry that in some ways, you best didn't leave your DD feeling supported. You did the best you could with the information you had at the time. The rest is up to them, especially if they are adults now. Don't drag yourself over the coals for this; it appears your DD is willing to do this for you. 

 

piegirl's picture

Submitted by piegirl on Wed, 10/30/2019 - 9:07pm

My DD has been seeing this counsellor for about 12 months and as far as I know she is safe. She is partnered and she is my boomerang kid who has come home (with her partner in tow) for 2 years to save to purchase a home of their own. She had told me about 6 months ago that she was going to want me to come to a session with her therapist in the future so "our relationship could get closer", I asked what it was about but she refused to tell me.

The counsellor did ask DD what she wanted next and she claimed she hadn't thought past the point of involving me in the session. The therapist asked if my apology was enough for my DD and she replied that she didn't think she could trust that if her life went bad again that I wouldn't just ignore her needs. To be honest I think the therapist was surprised to see me so horrified and distraught at the thought that I had inadvertantly let my DD down so much - it made me wonder how my DD may have portrayed me.

LuluOnce's picture

Submitted by LuluOnce on Mon, 11/04/2019 - 5:40pm

Piegirl, 

My entire life has been therapy in some form. Me on my own for my childhood, me on my own for my eating disorder, me and my first husband for marriage counseling, me and my current husband for parenting, each of my skids for the (legit) trauma they have after their mother endangered them while she was in and active hallucination. Please hear me when I say, not all therapists are created equal it it absolutely sounds like your DD got a dumb one. Holy sheesh!!

At no point in the 12 months of counseling did her therapist talk to your DD about what she wanted to accomplish by having a session with you? And even better!! Your daughter purposefully brought you in to rake you over the coals only to tell you that no apology would  make her feel as if she can trust you again? I am appalled on your behalf! Your DD is ruthless and if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't trust HER. This behavior is manipulative AF. I don't know what she wants from you... maybe it's something material and she's trying to guilt you into it? Maybe she is a "hurt person who hurts people" and can't see what she is doing, even after a year of therapy? I am not sure. I don't even know you and I want to defend you because there was no reason for you to even be at that session or be exposed to that. For whatever reason, at this point in time, your DD has zero interest in healing your (perceived) "fractured" relationship and I give you permission, every sane person reading this gives you permission and you should definitely give yourself permission to brush this shizz off your shoulder! 

I would think twice about letting her "boomerang" with you. I mean, apparently you are this wicked mother who ignored her and let her down when she was a teen. And let's just say I even agree with her there... let's just take this one step further and let's all say that for some reason, you weren't a good mother to her when she was a teen. What about now?! You are letting her live with you, with her partner, while they save for a house (my guess is rent free at your place?) but she still "doesn't think she can trust that if her life went bad again you wouldn't just ignore her needs"? Are you 100% SURE this is your bio-daughter and not your step? LOL. This kid is taking a page out of the skid handbook right here. 

Seriously, don't let her poison you. You probably made some mistakes because all parents make mistakes but everything you did was well-intentioned and you've even apologized for the parts you got wrong! Don't let this get to you because for whatever reason, that's what she wants. 

I'm sorry your daughter sucks right now and has hurt your feelings. We were all young and stupid once. I hope she grows up and can see all the ways you have supported her are so much greater than the ways you've let her down. But even if she doesn't, it's not reflection on you.

piegirl's picture

Submitted by piegirl on Tue, 11/05/2019 - 7:08pm

Thank you so very much from the bottom of my heart. I have been in such a dark place over this and am desperately trying to claw my way out of it (I think it can be harder once you let yourself go there), yet I am thankful that each day is slightly better than the last. Even my youngest DD is appauled at her sisters behaviour - she can't believe it, and has repeatedly told me that I am and always have been an excellent Mom Smile

I have decided that I am going back for another session. I am going to ask the 'therapist' why they didn't have a plan of what the next steps would be based on the variety of responses they may have received? I am going to tell my DD that as an adult, she needs to own that she has hurt me bitterly by saying that she doesn't trust that I wouldn't ignore her needs again. To me purposely ignoring a loved ones needs = not loving them. I would have throught that if she was truly trying to heal - that she would have accepted my apology and moved forward from there.

She and her partner are living with us rent free with a very small monthly amount being paid toward the bills. We initially agreed on 2 years and we have about 7 months to go. I have been such a very loving mother to my DD's. Even my parents (including step parents) have commented that they always thought I went above and beyond what other parents would do for their kids if they had been a single Mom. 

One day at a time for me...

She's making my sDD's look like angels! Ugh I can't even believe that!

LuluOnce's picture

Submitted by LuluOnce on Wed, 11/06/2019 - 9:21am

May I make a suggestion?

I think you would benefit more from a session on your own, with your own (new!) therapist to process this situation, than you would from going back to the therapist with your DD. I understand that you are upset. I am upset for you!! You feel you have been maligned and you want to resolve this issue with DD, defend yourself and essentially make your boundaries clear. This is completely reasonable... but it can only work if the other person involved is completely reasonable as well. Your DD has already showed you she is not reasonable, and more so, that she is not interested in solving her own problems. 

If *you* go back to therapy with her, what do *you* hope accomplish? What information do you think you can impart to your DD in one session with you that she hasn't been able to absorb in 12 months of working with this therapist? DD's therapist is only there for DD. She has a very different perspective on the best outcome of a therapy session with you and DD. The therapist wants DD to be able to air her grievances to you; you want DD to talk responsibility for herself. You guys aren't working toward the same goals.

You are beating your head against a brick wall. Please do not go back to therapy with your DD. I beg you. It will not help in any way, and will likely only increase your frustration and hurt because DD has a very, very different view of your mothering than it appears is actually true. Which means, simply, she isn't interested in the truth. She feels the need to hold on to this misperception of you for some reason. As painful as it is, I think you would feel so much more peace if you allowed yourself to accept thar, at this time, DD does not want to solve any issues, nor does she care about your feelings or boundaries. It is not your responsibility to change her mind or the therapist's mind about who you are, what you did, and what you want DD to do next with that information Please, please, please, don't go to therapy with her again.

Go by yourself, for yourself. Now is when you put on your life preserver. You begin radical acts of self-care, which include disengaging from DD and attending your own therapy session, far, far away from DD and her crackpot therapist, where you can actually go to a session and speak your mind and feel your feelings without judgment.