In a predicament..
Ok so.... never did this before. Used to go to my mom but she recently passed so now I’ll come here with all of you to help me when I’m not sure of the right answer. I have a 9 year old SS my SO had from a previous relationship. We have bio kids together. I try very hard to treat everyone equal. We usually get SS on Xmas. That is usually fine... until... my SO and his ex had an argument about her not buying their son back to school supplies but getting cosmetic procedures done when he’s paying her so much in cs to make sure their son has what he needs. Of course she got on her high horse and came back with “well I don’t spoil our son with gifts and things he doesn’t need” presumable a knock to us for doing so when he’s here or on the holidays. She takes full advantage of his stays for Christmas and thinks him not being with her on the holiday also exempts her from having to buy those uneccessary gifts she that she had never had a problem with before. Trouble is I buy the kids their gifts for every holiday b day etc. We don’t have joint accounts and my SO doesn’t not put anything towards this... which is fine. However, after this comment she made mixed with my SO having such a poor track record of supporting me in these types of situations I feel inclined to cease buying their child gifts. I do not wish to be taken advantage of by quite frankly both parents and then villifyied for my attempt to be fair in an argument with no one to stand up for me. This will absolutely cause major waves if I stand firm on my decision and possibly hurt my SS, which I do not wish to do at all. However, I feel that if no one else is going to stand up for me, I need to stand up for myself. Breaks my heart to think tho if I don’t get these presents the child may not get the same as the other kids. I’m not also depriving my children and intend to get them what is on their wish lists as best I can. I truly feel that this is not my responsibility to go against my SS mother’s newfound and verbally communicated belief regarding gifts. It’s a lose lose. If I buy the gifts I allow myself to be taken advantage of by ungrateful people. If I don’t I’m sure my SO and his ex will take issue with their son being treated unfairly by wicked step mom. Most importantly I don’t want SS to feel bad on x mas day. Ugh what on earth do I do? I don’t want to ruin x mas for everyone!
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Um, why is your SO not buying
Um, why is your SO not buying HIS son Christmas gifts?
Sadly it’s probably my fault
Sadly it’s probably my fault for taking on that role, I thought I was doing good and taking a step towards taking on SS like one of my own. It doesn’t come natural or easy for me on the inside to be quite honest. I thought it was a healing move only to find out resented by BM or unappreciated by SO.
You tell your husband pretty
You tell your husband pretty much what you have told US.
Honey.. I need for you to pay for SS's holiday gifts. I am happy to do the shopping (if you are).. you can give me the amount you would like for me to spend and I can take care of it. Otherwise, you are free to do the shopping for him if you would prefer.
Then.. YOU do what makes you feel ok. You "can" buy him a present from you.. but you don't have to buy him presents from his FATHER.
What you do as a step parent is voluntary.
Whenever I try to speak up I
Whenever I try to speak up I am accused of not liking SS. To be open and honest just turns into WW3 and I come out of it feeling like an evil monster. I try to avoid going to SO with anything less than super when it comes to SS.
If you cannot talk to your
If you cannot talk to your husband about anything negative to do with your step son or ask him to pay for things for his own son when he can afford them then you have a bigger problem than christmas gifts. Being able to communicate openly and honestly, albeit with some tact and thoughfulness, is important in any realtionship. Without it resentment grows until arguments erupt.
Yes this. I used to do most
Yes this. I used to do most of the gift buying, DH would reimburse me for some of it, but not all. I did ALL the work though, the driving, the purchasing, the wrapping, planning, etc. The greed of OSD eventually became too much as did the assumtions from everyone that I was the person in charge of Xmas. Several years ago I snapped. No more. I calmly had a discussion with DH, let him know what my feelings were, that I was done with the major gift buying/organization/cooking. It was not up to HIM since HE wanted this "disney christmas." He listened and agreed.
I stopped doing all the work. I helped with stocking stuffers and bought each SD one gift to open (reasonably priced) and one gift certificate. I helped with cookie making (that was done officially this last holiday tho, no more of that either) and gift wrapping (I enjoy that).
DH was a little put out by it but he got it and took me seriously. If you have a true heart to heart with your SO they should listen and compromise. If they don't, just stop doing it yourself. Remind him HE is the dad and if HE wants things a certain way, he needs to step up.
its really not too
its really not too complicated. Honey, I'm off to do some christmas shopping. can I have some money for SS's presents from you?
not negative.. just.. hey.. i'm doing you a favor... so come on and pay me at least
SO should be buying his son
SO should be buying his son gifts, not you. The BM isn't being ungrateful. Chances are she has no idea that you are finding the boy's gifts. It's normal for people to think that the parents are the ones paying for kid related stuff and not the step parent.
You should let your SO know ASAP that you will no longer be taking this on. He will have plenty of time to figure out what to do.
True
When Toxic Troll filed her paperwork for child support, she claimed that me - Clove was using then-SO's "abundant money" to buy munchkin sd13 things, and take her out for lunches/dinners.
I took her places on my own dime! Even paid for her back to school supplies myself, on my unemployment money - she didnt pay anything!
Yes, these BMS always assume we steppers have no heart and no soul and dont do a single thing to help our skids out.
However, I dont let Toxic Troll dicate what I will/wont do for Munchkin. Why should kid suffer because her mother is an a$$?
So, if you WANT to - go buy some gifts for SS. But also - allow his father to do for him as well - he needs to "step up to the plate".
She definitely has an idea. I
She definitely has an idea. I’m certain that’s why she said it. She’s been very ungracious with other things I’ve provided to her son not neccessary gifts. Clothing etc.
so....
OP - do you split everything in the home equally? Do you work outside the home and if so, is your income fairly close to your SO income?
Yes we do. We have equal
Yes we do. We have equal paying employment also.
ok then...
There is really no reason for you to be spending more money on SO's son for Christmas than either of his own parents. And specifically, it sounds as though they are spending $0 on SS. I realize you set the precedent. But how about this:
You: "SO, its unfair to me that I'm the only one spending on gift for all the kids when we have agreed to keep our finances separate. Going forward, we will need to split the cost of gifts for our children, as we do with everything else."
SO: "But I have no money and no time and BM and you're so mean and waaaaaaa".
You: I am comfortable spending $___ on each kid, given my salary, which is similar to yours. Does that work for you?
SO: "You're mean, clearly you hate my son, and don't support me."
You: "Going forward, we will need to split the cost of gifts for our children, as we do with everything else and given our similar incomes."
Rinse and repeat. Do not budge. Don't bother getting upset. Don't get into a lengthy conversation with him.
In the event that your SO "forgets" to get SS a gift, I would have something tucked away just in case. So that when Xmas eve rolls around and SO is in a panic, you can pull out the gift and tell him that he can have it for whatever you paid for it (... plus a 10% shopping fee
LOL u must know him cuz that
LOL u must know him cuz that is exactly how it’s go down on his end. I like it! Thank u!!
Why did you take it upon
Why did you take it upon yourself to buy his kid gifts for every holiday, birthday? Why isn’t your SO doing this? Since your SO has a poor track recording of supporting you he can take the purchasing of gifts on his own and have fun with it. You should disengage from all this and stand up for yourself. You are not this child’s mother. He has two parents and if they are not stepping up and buying him gifts, it’s not your problem. Your SO and his ex, shouldn’t take issue with this, not your kid. Who cares what they think. Had your SO been taking care of his responsibilities this wouldn’t be an issue.
If your SS suffers from this it’s not your fault, his parents will have to answer for it. I don’t see why you have a problem….Your H gets on board and buys his son gifts for Christmas…plain & simple!
I agree with this. My
I agree with this. My thoughts exactly but didn’t trust myself. Thanks for ur input
Indeed. I just need to
Indeed. I just need to disengage. She’ll b the first one crying a river tho that her son is treated unfairly.
She’ll be the first one
She’ll be the first one crying a river tho that her son is treated unfairly.
Not your burden to carry Trying01~ Oh well darlin'....continue with your kids and do what you do, but don't lose sleep over BM and your H.
Ur right. Perhaps this is
Ur right. Perhaps this is more than just gifts. Maybe the entire situation is toxic.
Do you have more examples?
Because I suspect this is not the only circumstance in which you are taken advantage of.
Hmm.... well SO thought it
Hmm.... well SO thought it was perfectly fine to have zero boundaries for her for the longest time until I came across totally unnessecary (nothing sexual or anything like that) communications between my SO and his ex. I’m all for being civil but she really shouldn’t have the comfort level to text him whenever she feels about nonsense, or surprise visiting his parents unannounced. I feel like him not establishing boundaries further developed the notion in her head that she has his loyalties. Until I have him an ultimatum that he sets verbal and specific boundaries. I feel like him condoning her nonsense is a betrayal to the importance of our relationship. I think that’s fair. She’d take total advantage of pick up and drop off schedule changes with no regard for our family’s schedule. Call morning of and say oops can’t meet for pick up till 5 when pick up was 10. If we back track she accuses of not wanting to spend as much time with SS as possible and SO should be grateful for the extra hours he gets, not understanding that behaving that way is inconsiderate. That’s kinda how the whole thing started. I put my foot down to the disrespect and taking advantage of the guilt my
SO should feel for being a non custodial parent. That card gets played and it usually works.
In all honestly it ain’t her
In all honestly it ain’t her job to look out for me and our family it’s his. I know this. I struggle with it. There’s just something there that prevent him from being able to do that
If the idea of throwing me
If the idea of throwing me under the bus to her to appease her even if he “doesn’t mean it” is his way of keeping balance then yea im
not enjoying it
If your DW is getting a fair amount of CS
She should be getting the back to school supply's. How much could they be. ? If you like SS and he's respectful to you my all means you should buy him a Christmas, Birthday gift. You should not be buying him everything. He has two parents why agreed on making him. They have responsibility to him.
Set a dollar amount. You will put in $100, or $500 towards Christmas, that it, the ball is then in his parents field
Ss is very picky, judgmental
Ss is very picky, judgmental and ungrateful. SO feels like he’s spent after paying so much in cs that’s not going to the child whatsoever. She doesn’t buy him anything more than the most basics to survive since she claims it’s bc she doesn’t want to “spoil” him (even tho she’s getting a to. Of money a month for him). Strangely this doesn’t really bother SO. Long story short, neither of his parent feel gift giving is important. Which I don’t necessarily disagree with, it’s just not my parenting philosophy that I incorporate for my own bio kids. Again my goal was to treat all of the children the same, which blew up in my face completely. I don’t plan on changing how I parent my own kids, I just want to gracefully back out of my role with their child since it’s causing so much resentment for all involved. I despise how I’m being taken advantage of, SS is ungrateful anyway, BM is against gifts, SO doesn’t care cuz BM plays the “mother of his child” “you left so you owe me forever” cards. Ugh get me out of this.