No gifts EVER from stepkids?
I’d like to get opinions on whether or not I should say something to my husband about his grown kids’ not getting him Christmas gifts. I’ve been with him for 6 Christmases now, and have witnessed him spending a ton of time, effort, and money on purchasing them many, many gifts every Christmas. They are age 25, 22, 17. Our whole living room will be filled with gifts for them leading up to Christmas. And I normally get them each one or two nice gifts “from” me as well, although on the label I always write that it’s from both my husband and me. Except for the very first Christmas I knew him (when his oldest child, a daughter, got him a few small sports knick-knacks and gave me a paper bag with a tacky $3 gift from CVS which still had the price tag on it, and which she reached over in front of me to peel the price tag off after I took the “gift” out of the bag) they have never reciprocated with any gifts.
As I’m sure you all know, this is not about “getting things.” We have everything we need and certainly don’t need any more stuff around the house. It’s the fact that, for me, my favorite part of the holidays is finding or making thoughtful gifts for my loved ones and other people I care about, and enjoying their happy reactions when they open their gifts. And in particular I do not want anything for myself from his kids, they are horrible, selfish, entitled beings and I want nothing from them, but my husband is obsessed with his kids and I cannot believe they take him so viciously for granted. They arrive like a swarm of locusts, usually on Christmas Eve, and we feed them (also expensive and time-consuming) and then they tear open all their gifts and visit for about an hour and then leave without thanking us, as if we are just lucky to have been graced with their glorious presence. I’ve been witness to this spectacle year after year, and as the kids are now really adults, I feel like there is zero excuse for this rude and disrespectful behavior and it’s becoming intolerable to me. I want to say something to my husband about it, although normally 99% of the time I stay completely out of any issues regarding his kids. I just don’t think it’s right to stay quiet about this one. I know he will become defensive and say he doesn’t care and that he doesn’t “need” anything – but that is not the point. It’s an issue of their disrespect and lack of caring, in my eyes. He raised them and had mega involvement in their lives, paid/pays their college tuition in full, and still pays all of their bills on top of his massive child support payments. Even if they cannot for some reason afford a small gift for him, how about writing him a nice letter or making him a card or maybe a mix CD of songs or anything at all that they can make themselves for free just to show they care about and appreciate him? Then again, they have always shown themselves to be despicable creatures so I’m not sure why I continue to be shocked by their behavior. Should I say something to him or just remain clammed up?
Whoa that is a great idea,
Whoa that is a great idea, asking them what they got him. Ugh, wish I had thought of something like that for this year. Yeah, I've actually mentioned a few times to him the ridiculous amount of gifts he gives them, but in a pretty passive way... I'll just say like "Wow, once I turned 18 I think my parents only got me 2 or 3 gifts for Christmas." But that didn't change anything about his buying behavior. Maybe he's still guilty about divorcing their mom, who knows... but how long can guilt like that go on?? Anyway, thanks, great idea. Will do, next year...
Hi, I'm brand new here and
:sick: Hi, I'm brand new here and new to being a stepmom - since we're about to get married. I've been reading these posts and I'm surprised at how nice everyone is towards these spoiled ADULT stepkids or skids as I'm learning. Screw the presents and the dinner - let them take care of you two for once!
Yes I just started too so now
Yes I just started too so now I'm learning these abbreviations. I tolerate the skids out of love and respect for my DH, but I learned quite early on in our relationship to "disengage" from them. Actually, I forgot to mention, last Christmas my mother was very ill in the ICU, and I just could not face holiday time with the skids, so I went to my parents' home town for the day I knew the skids would be over at our house. This year I thought "I'm not going to be run out of my own home" so decided to stick around. Maybe next year I should just suggest for him to take them out for dinner at a restaurant for their Christmas celebration and then I can stay at home and drink eggnog and have friends over or something. If you're not married yet, I hope you read LOTS more of these posts on the site before you take the plunge. As far as the skids taking care of us for once -- oh my gosh, it would be a very cooooold day in hell with pigs flying around before that would ever, ever happen.
Definitely hold your
Definitely hold your ground.DO NOT let them run you out. I don't know if I'm the only crazy person on here with hardly any filter - but WTF is going on? I think folks on here are wayyyyyyyyy to nice. My SD mouthed off to me yesterday in such an insane way I could have strangled her. Never had someone speak to me that way and never will again. I disengaged completely. Told her to F OFF and lose my name, number and I'm outties of her life. I'm not her mom never will be. Don't care how she takes it. She's a gold digger and spoiled. I told my fiancé you want stay with me? Accept the fact I'm NEVER EVER gonna deal with your daughter again. I Don't need the stress with my health issues and I don't support unemployed lazy mouthy bitches. I'm ok if he steps. But he knows he's got a good thing here with me so he's accepted that I ain't taking crap from anyone in his family. Especially the SKIDS marks!
It seems in their "intact"
It seems in their "intact" family, both parents showered the kids with gifts and did not instill in them the basic human impulse to want to create happiness and good feelings by reciprocating with a gift to those who give one to them. Most families that I know enjoy giving gifts to their loved ones at holiday time. It doesn't have to do with parents "bugging" kids to buy for them -- it is about teaching them to be kind and thoughtful human beings who think of others. As I mentioned, some of the best gifts can be heart-felt home-made gifts that cost nothing, but also these people I'm talking about are not "kids" any more, they are technically adults, although they still do act like spoiled children... as a result of their upbringing.
Change up the whole dynamic.
Change up the whole dynamic. Those kids coming to a room full of gifts like they are children is crazy. Would your DH consider one small gift for each, and a check? Then it's much less of a grab and go situation. People might have to TALK to each other. Opening topic from you, "Oh, I didn't see what you got your Dad. Will you show me?"
I always think if all of the
I always think if all of the SMs in the country or world would just stop reminding their DHs about getting gifts of any kind for the kids and purchasing them for DH and wrapping them, etc., all it would take would be a couple of months of the SKs and gSKs getting their last second $1-store gifts in a brown paper bag from dad or g-pa,and maybe, just maybe SKs might start appreciating SMs more!? Nah, it was nice to think so for a sec.
I have been in my skids lives
I have been in my skids lives since they were 3. In the past I have always taken them to get gifts for their dad and Bm. I cannot stand Bm but I think kids should learn to consider others and not just themselves. I would let them do chores to earn the money and if they had something specific in mind and were close to having the money I would contribute some. More so for my DH than the Bm but she still would have a nice small present from each kid every Christmas. I stopped when kids turned 16. Sd got her dad and Bm Christmas present this year and ss did nothing. DH says it's no big deal and I didn't make a big deal out of it for his sake but to me it just shows how self absorbed and inconsiderate ss is. I don't think a gift is about how much you spend at all. I think it would be just fine if DH had gotten a Christmas card with maybe a "love you dad". At least it would show some consideration!
SS14 once again did not get
SS14 once again did not get anything for DH for Xmas, and I would never expect anything from him as he doesn't acknowledge DH's birthday or fathers day.
I spoke to DH about Xmas this year and asked him what he wanted me to do, because my mother guilt shames me into just buying something for DH and putting SS's name on the tag. But SS14 does not even ask me to help him get anything so why should I?
DH said that he doesn't know where this selfish side of SS14 has come from.
We drove to about 6 different big 5 sporting goods for a specific fishing pole for SS14 for Xmas, and then eventually to bass pro shop to find it. This took up 3 evenings of shopping. From one end of the bay area to the other. Believe me if anyone wants to find a big 5 in SF area I can take you to all of them now.
So whatever, just as expected, SS14 gets his 100$ pole, 100$ reel, and a bunch of new clothing for xmas. And nothing for DH. The funny thing is about getting him a pole, is that last summer we only took him once up to my family cabin to fish, because we have to go 3 hours to get him, then go into the mountains another 2.5 hours so it's really not fun just to catch some trout, and have him cry when we catch more fish than him, etc etc. I was against the pole idea but hey, what do I know. DH and I went up to the cabin every weekend last summer on the weekends we didn't have him and DH's mom was all pissy about it like he's a joy to take fishing and sit in the car for a billion hours. (Dontcha know you can't have fun without SS around!!??) DH probably wanted to buy the pole so he could get a double pole license. HAHAHA.
So here is the Xmas Kicker. We go and visit my grandparents to celebrate Xmas with them and announce our pregnancy to them. (Which SS14 said he was just surprised about) My grandma asks what SS14 got us for xmas, and I told her nothing, and that he doesn't do anything for DH's bday or fathers day either. So my grandma is sitting in her "command chair" like Captain Piccard stewing on this. A few hours later, SS14 comes inside with his new pole since we needed the SUV empty for whatever reason, and we were all outside. My grandmother told me she asks SS14 "That is a nice pole, when did you get that?" ss-"dad got it for me for xmas." grandma-"that is really nice, what did you get him?" ss-"nothing."(and then he laughs) grandma-"SHAME ON YOU, that is TERRIBLE. SHAME SHAME SHAME!!"
LOL!!! My grandma told me that she said that to him later that night, and I was cracking up. Just leave it to the 82 year old to pretend to not have a filter on to lay it on SS14!