Disney dad and money.......
Hi
I am so so pleased I found this forum....
I am in my 50s, with no children and on the verg of splitting up with my partner of 7 years, because of how he always puts his kids before me. I just can't take it anymore. SD 16, SS 19. I am financially far better off than my partner. All my partner's money goes on his kids. Whatever they want, they get and neither of them has even a part time job. My partner just buys their love. The SD is a little cow. I have never come across anyone so manipulative, but her dad will not see any of it. We have so many blazing rows over it. He says it's his money to do what he likes with. Yes we keep our finances separate, but it we did stay together, I would end up funding his retirement as all his money is spent on his kids. SD is very bright, so plans to go to medical school, so my partner will be funding her for another 10 years. I have my own home so financially I can easily walk away. But.....I am mid fifties with not great health, so I am so so frightened of being on my own. I was previously married for 20 years before my ex-husband had an affair and remarried someone very wealthy. We could not have children. Please please help me. I am so frightened. In my heart I know my partner will never change. He is very weak. His children are his world. He himself was adopted as a baby, and when Fe did get in contact with his birth mother a few years ago, she told him never to contact her again. I'm sure this is why my partner is such a Disney dad, as as he puts it, they are his only blood relatives. I am so so lost.
It's his money to do what he
It's his money to do what he likes AFTER he pays his portion of the bills AND funds his retirement.
I don't understand how people can be in a relationship and claim to want to build a life with someone, then act so selfish. Does he just expect that you will happily pick up his slack? Does he have ANY money saved for retirement?
Thank you. Your comment gave
Thank you. Your comment gave me a bit of a light bulb moment.....his money is his own, but after he helps fund for his retirement.....
Thank you
I agree. Many(not all) of
I agree. Many(not all) of these Bio parents have no business being in a relationship. They are online actively looking for dates yet they are over 30k in debt, behind on their car payment and had their electricity shut off twice this year already. They are looking for someone to save them from the mess they've created.
Staying in this marriage
Is not going to do anything good for your health. It's only going to get worst as time goes on. Bigger kids bigger gifts
Thank you. A very true tag
Thank you. A very true tag line...bigger kids, bigger gifts....
Welcome to the site!
It is up to your partner how he spends his own money, but really, it shouldn't mean that he blows it all on them and then relies on you in his old age. It is possible that he sees you are better off than him and has this in the back of his mind, who knows? Where I live in the UK, not many parents can afford to fund their kids through college, most kids get student loans and pay them off over many years when they earn above a certain threshold - if they never do they never pay it off. Both my daughters who are in their mid 30s are still paying theirs off - but it is a tiny monthly amount.
My DH funded both the SDs through expensive private schools and neither of them ever had a Saturday, or holiday job. The elder one is age 24 and has never held down a full time job, just does endless college courses. But this does not affect mine and my partner's joint finances. If it did I would seriously question whether I wanted to stay with him.
Your partner is obviously struggling under the burden of past trauma and should probably get therapy over it, if he hasn't already. But unless he changes considerably, it doesn't sound like you will ever find peace in this relationship. Being on your own is scary, but not as scary as living in a situation which you find intolerable, for whatever reason. If you can't reconcile yourself to the amount of money he spends on his children, then maybe you should bite the bullet and split from him.
My sensible head agrees with
My sensible head agrees with you.....I just need to work on getting the courage to act . Thank you
Can you move into an assisted
Can you move into an assisted living community where you could have a set of eyes on your health? IT seems a better option than staying with your current DH.
I seriously doubt that she
I seriously doubt that she needs assisted living. In assisted living you have to have a "chaperone" to take a shower or leave the building. I think what you meant is independent living for seniors. Many of these have full meal service and lots of activities but most residents still drive and do not need help with basic activities.
I struggle with the concept
I struggle with the concept that the incomes of spouses are independent and for that earning spouse to consume as they wish. Once there is paperwork there is no independent income and all finacial decisions are joint. The income of spouses is marital income.
With the exception of gifts for each other.
In the event that CS (or other CO'd support) is owed to an X, only that income is not a joint decision but is rather the decision of the courts.
Any SO that believes otherwise should be added to the X pile.
IMHO of course.
MurphysLaw~ did you find
MurphysLaw~ did you find someone on any of those sites? I've always been curious if people really do find "love" on those.
I tried several sites briefly, years ago after I divorced & what
I discovered is, anyone can falsify information and answer questions, use 10 and 20 year old photos ( you can't even recognize them in person from picturecomparison) and embellish. Those were mostly the types I met.
I will not go into detail, but I had one "date" I'd arranged to meet (I never told any of them where I lived) at a restaurant get angry with me when he asked how online dating was going, and if I had met anyone interesting. I told him I had. And left it pretty much at that. He went ballistic. I went to the ladies room, & he came banging on the door screaming for me to come out. This person was an educator! The waitress had run his credit card (only for his meal/drinks, I paid separately) and it had been declined 3x at this point. It was a miserable experience.
I'm not knocking those who have found suitable companions on these sites, but it just wasn't for me.
I too had tons of responses from every age representation.
I tried a dating service
I tried a dating service briefly after my divorce was final. It was a waste of time and money. I prefer the face to face model far better than the online or swipe right model.
Putting one's self in an environment where the kind of people that interests you will be is the best way to go IMHO.
Travel clubs, book clubs, adult ed classes at a local university, dance classes, etc, etc, etc.......
I met my bride of 25+ years at university when I sold my business and returned to full time student status to finish my undergrad.
Does he pay for half of
Does he pay for half of everything or does he ask you for money.
If he can afford to spoil his kids there isn’t much you can do about it. - just make sure it doesn’t come out of your pocket.
Ie if he asks you to pay for a third holiday in a row because he had spent all his money on his almost grown up children. You have the option to say no you cant afford it. Be firm.
Good luck.
Another way to look at this
Another way to look at this is that staying in this relationship is not good for your health, will likely make your health problems worse and possibly also bleed you financially in the process. Yes your SO has the right to spend his money how he chooses but not at the expense of neglecting you while he just throws endless money at his grown kids. Also your SO won't be the best caretaker if his kids always come first for a number of reasons. Also staying in a relationship soley for the caretaker reason isn't the best idea. To put your mind at ease they have many senior and disabled living residences where you can have help 24/7 with your needs wether it is health issues, getting around, meals, etc and I am fairly confident they will do a better job than your disney dad SO.