Well, I was raised to always ask the homeowner (even if that happened to be one of my parents) before helping myself to items in the kitchen. Perhaps this person was raised the same. 

Lots of people move into a new home when they get married.

Young adults can be extremely ungrateful to their parents, especially if you've given them permission or encouragement to be so.

27-38 & 30 years

Your children are grown and I know you want to protect them but ultimately they have to create their own boundaries when it comes to their fathers wife. You can't do that for them. Whatever goes on under your XH's home is their business. I would suggest your kids maintaining a relationship with their father outside the home. You focus on having a strong relationship with your kids and remind yourself that your X's wife is not a factor or even relevant in your life in any capacity.

I'll try to say this as gently as I can but I think you need to back off.  It is not your place to navigate your adult child's relationship with her father.  That is between them.  I'm not sure why you would need to be in contact with your ex.  The children are all adults and quite capable of contacting him if they need to. His children will always be his children but his marriage should be his top priority. 

First of all, your post was very hard to read.  It would have been easier if you had written it using paragraphs.

You wrote, "She got my ex who had his house paid off for retirement (which I did not tale any of on purpose Cuz he worked hard for it!) to sell it and buy a new one that 'I had never lived in' because she was that insecure."  Why would you care if they sold your Ex's home after they got married and bought another one?  I've got news for you:  Your children are grown.  They may inherit interest in the house if your Ex and his wife die, but until then, the home is that of your Ex and his wife.  Your Daughter is right - it isn't her home just as your Daughter's home is not the home of your Ex's wife.  Just wonder what your Daughter would think if your Ex's wife helped herself to something out of your Daughter's fridge or used your Daughter's private bathroom without asking?

You also mentioned that your Ex's  wife had blocked your phone number.  Why is it important to contact your Ex when your kids are grown and out of his home?

By the way this is written, I'm kind of wondering it you are a real SM or someone wanting to rile us all up for fun.

Too late now, but HUGE mistake not to get as much possible when divorce.  Second wives will rarely want your kids to get anything, and if they have to drive them away for that to happen, they will.   Interesting, the NY Times Magazine has a column labeled The Ethicist.  Two of the Last Three Weeks had letters about DADs complaining their wife does not want their kids to get money, etc. 

Your kids are adults. None of this is yoiur business any more. It's perfectly normal for people in a second marriage to want a new home, one where they make their OWN memories rather than living with the spectre of the ex-spouse hanging over them in the former "family home". 

You need a hobby because you have more free time than you know what to do with..

Your kids are adults, let them navigate the changes in their father's home.  I see you are posting from the BM perspective, let me give you the SM one:

1. I would never live in the marital home that had housed your family for years and years. Not because I'm insecure but because i wanted to start traditions and a new home with MY new husband.

2.  The new home is now MY home as well as my husband's, so in that sense, it may not feel like home to his adult kids. I may have things set up differently or have different rules.  They might not feel as comfortable there if I'm there because I'm not really family. 

3 .I might not be okay with them having keys to MY house, they aren't my kids (I met my SS when he was 10 and he never has and never will have a key to my house).

4. I may or may not like my husband's kids. The fact that they look like you MIGHT annoy me, but only if you've been a royal bitch to me. It certainly doesn't make me jealous, as you are implying.  I will tolerate them and be civil because he loves them, but I might not love them.

5.  Butt out. Your ex has moved on.

Why did your bring up your failed marriage to your ex  in a speech at your daughters wedding? I’m sort of stuck on that.

Yet another post that is a colossal waste of time for anyone who responds in depth and with meaningful insight.    It's not worth it.  

Plain and simple, this site is for STEPPARENTS to vent.  Not for bio parents to vent about stepparents and then get angry when we don't agree with them.  I am sure there are forums out there for them but this ain't it.  

Can't tell you how many times over the years I've seen this.  My only advice is to not respond at all. 

It's like going on a chocoholic website and asking people to agree that chocolate is horrible and isn't vanilla the best ever?  

Oh, and BTW, in case you didn't know - I'm a famous screenwriter.  I'm going to use this as a basis for a new movie script. Be sure to keep an eye out for it as I'm sure Hollywood will be calling as soon as I type "The End."    In fact, maybe OP can host me on her talk show so we can discuss further.  LOL.  

It sounds like you're in California in which case the house that your ex owns free and clear is not community property but one purchased during their marriage likely could be.  If marital settlements are a career for her then you have the reason.

My own SD32 is a dumpster fire so I won't talk about her.

My parents were divorced 36 years ago and I feel free to make myself at home at my mom and stepdad's home. But I really never did at my dad's, and he died 6 years ago.  

It sounds like your daughter's feelings are hurt by her dad not visiting or going out of his way to spend any time with her new baby. Maybe he will when the baby is older, and maybe he'll come to visit without his new wife.

There's no excuse for physical violence and she's lucky you weren't me because I would have had her arrested at the wedding.  I wouldn't care what her excuse was.

.

some of your original post and most of the replies/answers. 

It seems like you’re a very insecure person. It feels like you spend a lot of time puffing yourself up. You threw out that you own a business, what college you went to, that you are famous enough to be a recognizable name. I think your desire to control what happens in your ex’s house and micromanage your children’s relationships stems from this uneasy perspective of yourself. I get it, I’m the same way. I’ve just learned to stay in my lane and channel my control freak tendencies into having a super organized house and being very effective at my job.

Reading all your dramatic martyring is just exhausting. You’re buying sod for your daughters yard because your exs wife doesn’t want strangers tramping through her house, your son was dying! in an ambulance, you got the new wife a Starbucks at the hospital, you LOVE your stepkids why can’t she? You didn’t take more of the marital assets because you wanted to be “fair”. Ugh, stop it, drama queen.

My suggestion is to step back, focus on your own husband and home and maybe see a therapist to help get some perspective. Otherwise, it was astronomically unfair of you and your ex to involve your kids, new spouses and step kids in whatever twisted foreplay you have going on with the divorce and continued enmeshnent. 

Since getting married though step mom has systematically alienated her from her dad by facilitating dads 'bitching' .

See, um, no, she didn't. Stepmom didn't do a damn thing. What the fuck is "facilitating dads bitching" anyway and how is a worse crime than DAD BITCHING? If there's a crime being committed here, how is it not DAD bitching about his first family to a member OF his first family??? Like, suddenly there's someone in dad's life so whatever bad shit dad does MUST be caused by the new woman -- THAT is what you're saying? That is crazy illogical thinking.

She got my ex who had his house paid off for retirement (which I did not tale any of on purpose Cuz he worked hard for it!) to sell it and buy a new one that 'I had never lived in' because she was that insecure.

Question: When you bought your house did you change anything in it? Paint? Carpet? Anything? Of course you did. And when you repainted, were you insecure the color had been chosen by the previous owners or did you just think the wall color sucked?

How can you possibly know that the SOLE reason for selling that house was because of...wait for it...wait for it...(you already know the next word because clearly everything is about) YOU. ?

Having said that my ex and his wife have recently treated my daughter differently and she doesnt deserve it. She is a new mom with two step kids of her own and a new baby and she is the sweetest kid.

She's old enough to procreate so she's old enough to fight her own battles. You owe it to her to stay out of it now that she is an adult -- an adult who developed her OWN relationship with her dad and the woman in his life. You were not there for it. You don't know their dynamic other than what your daughter tells you...and something tells me you hear what you want no matter what anyone is saying, so who knows if your daughter even feels the way you claim she does. 

They have barely done anything for the new baby- only stopped by one time to see her and I live four hours away and drive back to town once a week just to see her and my kids.

What do you want them to do for a baby THAT IS NOT THEIRS?

If you don't want to drive four hours to see the kid, don't, but you're not a martyr for doing it. Others might think it's rude to crowd a new mother and child, who also has two other kids to care for. Maybe they are staying away because they don't want to over do it on the visits.

Maybe they realize you're always there and they don't want there to be a scene or for the new mother to feel pulled between two divorced parents, one of whom is driving four hours to be here, when the new mother has her hands full. Like, what is she going to do -- ask you to leave because Dad and New Wife are are coming over when you just drove four hours to be there...again? YOU might actually be the reason dad is staying away!!!  

Regardless, who are you to tell them how many times they have to see their grandkid? If they were visitng her all the time, you'd be bitching that they're always there monopolizing time with baby.

We always let our kids come over

Has someone told your kids not to visit their dad's house? When did that happen? That would be really bad. But it didn't happen, did it?

You keep writing a narrative that, by your own admission, is not true. It's OK if your daughter feels a little uncomfortable in the house. The situation is a little uncomfortable by its nature and it cannot be helped, so something always changes when a divorce happens -- oh, yea, that's another thing. You're blaming Someone Else in your ex's life for all this. What changed in your daughter's life was NOT his remarriage. What changed was your split from her dad. That's where your daughter's life began to fall apart and get uncomfortable -- not because he remarried Someone Else. Do you see that you are not owning responsiblity for the very thing that puts dad in a position to be married to Someone Else, who you are now blaming for all this discomfort your kid has? How comfortable do you think your divorce made her? You didn't care about her discomfort then, but now you want to forget all that and blame Someone Else because your kid feels like she has to ask to use the private bathroom because she can't hold it long enough for the other public private bathroom to be unoccupied? SHE HAS A BLADDER LIKE A PEANUT AND NEEDS HELP. You get that? Stop crippling her by making her into such a little baby -- she is a grown ass woman. She can HOLD IT for god's sake or stop drinking liquids for 45 minutes before she goes over there, but she does not need you fighting that battle either way. Stop making her into a damn victim! Give her the gift of her SM's friendship because you have the power to do it. Don't hold out on her because you have issues with her father. You're the one driving this discomfort.

Everyone must respect the new dynamic when someone we know marries. I can't take my dog to my brother's house anymore because my sister in law is allergic. Should I show up with my dog anyway because NOTHING SHOULD CHANGE WHEN PEOPLE GET MARRIED????? That thinking is child-like.

She is just really uncomfortable in her own skin I can see it

 You want so bad for this to be true...I can see it, ha, ha! But it's not true. She's setting parameters for your kid in her house. She is not having any trouble adjusting to life with your crew because she's letting them know where she stands. You don't agree with where she stands, so you're unhappy about it. But you should be thankful this SM is helping your girl see how they can keep things civil and cordial: these are the lines, please do not cross them. Nice, clear and simple.

I think you are the one having the trouble with SM's boundary setting. After all, these are not boundaries put on you -- so they aren't directly affecting you. Still, you're unhappy. It is not your daughter's home anymore. Maybe another SM could come in and tell SD, do what you want! This SM didn't -- instead, this SM is trying to manage her own relationship with your daughter using clear boundaries so neither of them is steam-rolling the other.

STAY OUT OF IT. You have no business there nor in most of the places you started to wander in your post.

You are out of line, as outlined above. On top of that, I think you're having trouble dealing with the new step dynamic resulting from your divorce. You are not good for your daughter, who could use someone explaining boundaries to her instead of reinforcing a "NO BOUNDARIES FOR MY PRECIOUS KIDS" attitude.

Your ex's new wife is modeling for your daughter how to set boundaries and keep relationships civil. I think that's going to come in handy for your daughter.

Your daughter is a grown up. She has to learn the skills and capabilities to sort out her own relationships. It is not your business to interfere. Also, believing everything your adult children tell you as one hundred percent gospel truth isn’t always a wise move either. Some of the time the truth lays somewhere in between. It may be that your ex see your daughter as a grown up now and not as a child as doesn’t live in her pocket because he thinks it’s sensible that she spends time with her own family. Maybe your daughters husband doesn’t want visitors 24 with a new baby there a lot of people don’t it can get very stressful. 

board for your kids but they are adults and you shouldn't be navigating their relationship with their dad and stepmom for them or even trying to. I do understand. My own adult kids have a rough relationship with their dad and stepmom. I stopped even commenting when the kids were teens because it did no good. None. Anything I said was ignored anyway. So I sat the kids down and told them that unless there was a behavior that was dangerous to them I wasn't saying anything. SM and dad both said terrible things. I mean downright awful. SM tried to ruin two graduations, a wedding and attempted to spread lies to my sons in-laws (she is a special piece of work). I said nothing. I simply handled my end of things and made those events about my kids. I ignored her comments. I blocked emails and phone numbers. 

My kids can always come to me and I will listen and give advice but I will not contact their dad or SM. Oldest DD is getting married in a few weeks and I haven't contacted them. I know they aren't coming (two for two, awesome) and that they will have things to say and in my head I will have choice words for them. But that is it. 

You are like a cross between my mother in law, sister in law and my husband all rolled into one.*lol*

Why does the GOOD STUFF seem to always happen when I am gone.....

Wish I would have been around for this one.

So Inspiredmom, I sense that your perceived awesome relationship with your ex is about power.  You stated that he wanted you back for years and that you are great friends (I didn't need to go further into your post.).  Know that his wife understands your power trip and, sure, it makes her angry.  You go to lengths to describe yourself in an amazingly positive light.  Hades, I'm now wishing I was married to you!  ;-)  That all said, I don't believe you to be the angel you believe you are and are trying to convince the readers of.  For the mental health sake of your ADULT children, resign yourself to your place (the ex wife, by choice purportedly) and allow your children to develop a relationship with your "friend's" wife, their stepmom.  You won't.  Bye.  

But, wait, I did go read the rest of your initial post and almost barfed!  You daughter is a "younger, more beautiful version" of you and so that means that your ex Gets to think of you all the time when he sees his daughter and the stepmom gets to be aggitated all the time because she sees you and knows this?  You can't make this narcissistic stuff up!  :-D  In all seriousness, you need to see a quality therapist to get some insight into who you really are.  

I'm on the fence on this one.  On the one hand, SParents should not be tolerated to destroy a relationship between a child and that  child's parent any more than a child should not be tolerated to destroy a relationship between their parent and the parent's SO.  And on the other hand, the Other Parent to that child has protective instincts towards that kid.

That the OP's children are adults makes this a more complex situation.  

We absolutely protected our son (My SS nearly 27 adopted at his request  when he was 22) from the toxic manipulations of his SpermClan.  On more than one occasion that meant making it clear to the SpermIdiot that his F-buddy of the month and her children would not be tolerated to adversely impact or endanger SS when SS was in SpermLand on visitation.  They tested us on this periodically and they suffered for it. SS, regardless of his age at the time, knew that his mom and I would protect him and have his back if the SpermClan stepped out of line.   He also knew that if he was the source of the drama with the SpermClan that he would be held accountable by us and would experience age appropriate consequences for those choices.

My SS looks just like his BioDad.  That does not bother me one bit and never has..  I am his REAL dad. He chose me just as I chose he and his mom nearly 25 years ago.

All that said, once he reached adulthood his relationship with his BioDad and the extended SpermClan is his to manage, experience and either preserve... or not.  His mom and I are an ear for him to access, when asked we give him advice on how to deal with them, and if it were to get really nasty, we would be at his side with our fully committed resources to do what is necessary to eliminate any threat they may be to the kid.

If that situation were ever to arise, the one thing that would not be a consideration for us would be the preservation of his relationship with his SpermClan.  They don't matter. For us... he matters.   His relationship with them is his to address.