Help! I can't stand my boyfriend's daughter!
Ok I am new to this. But I really need some advice. I feel like I have a valid point but I am going about it all wrong...
I have been with my BF for a year now. I have 4 kids., 3 daughters (16, 9 and 6) and 1 son (13). My bf and I live together and due to custody issues with his x-wife his kids have just barely started coming regularly every other weekend for only the past couple of months. he has a son age 9 and a daughter age 11. His daughter is not his biological daughter. She is his x-wife's daughter. He raised her since she was 1 and considers her his child. His ex wife is a complete impossible witch. She kept the kids from him and fought very hard to get full custody of their son. She did not want my BF to have any time with their son at all cuz she claims he is a terrible father. When he finally won time with his son in court (every other weekend) his ex would send the daughter along with their son. Which just completely boggles my mind cuz you are saying he is a terrible dad and you are trying to keep your son from him, and then you send YOUR daughter with him??? His ex is bi-polar (diagnosed) takes meds and has anger issues. She fights with complete strangers and has shown her daughter it is ok to disrespect adults and put her hands on anyone. Her daughter also thought that my BF was her real dad until recently when her mother decided to tell her the truth without inviting my bf to be present. His ex told my BF like it was no big deal and it devastated him. She has also introduced her to her biological father who her daughter talks about all the time now. She knows so much about him already. It drives me nuts!
Here is my issue: My BF's daughter is very manipulative and bosses my girls (the 6 and 9 year old) around. She tells them what to do. to eat their food. to stop doing this or that. to get out of her room when she is done with them. slams the door in their face. tries to isolate her and her younger brother from my girls. gives them dirty looks behind my back and silent treatment when they get on her nerves. My son refuses to come and stay with me cuz my bf's daughter was always hanging on him and hitting him cuz she thought it was so funny! and she annoys my older daughter with her mean behavior to the little girls. My girls are no angels but they are easily manipulated and feel bad when she uses these tactics to intimidate them. my 9 year old is pretty feisty herself and will fight back using mean words. My 6 year old is helpless and just feels sad about it all the time. of course being their mom I want to protect them from everything. I finally had it and blew up on my BF and told him to get rid of her cuz she is not really his. She doesn't need to be here cuz her mom is crap and taught her crap and I don't want that in my home. this is where I know I am totally wrong to have said that. But I really don't know if I can be a step mom!
I am ready to walk away from the relationship because I feel like I can never love this little girl like I should and I am worried i will constantly be on her about her behavior and not feed into her attention seeking behavior that it will end up coming between my bf and I and he will break up with me in the long run. He is a completely rational man. Has already told her to shape up or don't come. I am completely inpatient and I am over it and just want her to stop coming. How can I make our home a positive place for all our kids and show her that her attitude is not ok, without picking on her or singling her out?? If I feel that I am just not capable of that kind of patience, should I just walk away now and save us all the heart ache...???
How about you go to the local
How about you go to the local Wal Mart. Go to the toy aisle and choose a random kid with no forethought or planning. Take it home with you and pretend it’s your’s and you have to love that kid unconditionally. No questions asked.
That’s pretty much your situation. You don’t have to love this random brat. But you have an obligation to love and protect the children that issued from your body. Get out of this mess and walk away. Why would you sign on for it? Yikes girl. Run.
LOL!!! I hear ya!! It's hard
LOL!!! I hear ya!! It's hard to walk away from someone you have built so much with tho...
If he isn't going to support
If he isn't going to support you now, he never will. I would say either he gets control, and enforces her or you run for the hills. I'm in major issues with my husband because of my step daughters, and his psycho ex-wife. Get out while you can if you don't have 100% his support. Its not worth it. I feel like I'm not even living my own life anymore. Just saying either he steps up now or he never will.
thanks for your reply! So
thanks for your reply! So that's the thing he is stepping up. He is telling her that she needs to shape up or not come. But everything we say to her basically goes in one ear and out the other. And I have no desire to spend any time with her or be patient with her any longer...
Wow - your post caught my
Wow - your post caught my attention because I feel the same way. I'm in a little better position I think cause my SO's daughter is 18 next month. I've been with him for 3 years and have disliked this kid more and more. I've really tried but she is just like her crazy BM. If you care to, you can read all about it in my blogs. My SO and I plan to get married next year but because of her issues, I feel like she could be the relationship killer. He says he won't let anyone come between us but she is his kid after all. I'm 100% positive if his girls had been in my life at a much younger age, I couldn't have stayed. I don't want to deal with toxic behavior. His soon to be 16 yr is a sweetheart but she has her own issues. The older one though - ugh - can't stand her. Its at the point where I told him that I don't even want her at our wedding. Good luck to you. Its not an easy decision I'm sure. You have to weight the pros and cons but be sure you don't make a decision you'll regret. I lived with anger for years in my first marriage - not worth it.
Thanks for your response! I
Thanks for your response! I can only imagine!! I feel like the attitude will get worse as she gets older... so not looking forward to that. I hope you work it as well! I am def looking at all the pros and cons! Thank you!!
I've been in your shoes for
I've been in your shoes for 11yrs.
SD16 is NOT DH's child. And when she come to visit (usually when Bm didn't want her around which was always) life was hellish.
It finally came to a head. I told DH I couldn't deal with her anymore.
She was stealig-didn't matter what it was. She even stole my hairbrush I got from the dollar store.
She would lie about everything-my abusing her-her father neglecting her-the other kids being mean to her.
DYFS got involved-THAT had to stop.
So I told DH "If you want to be with me and have our family-then she needs to go. You can visit her elsewhere-take her out shopping-do whatever. But she can not stay in our home. Tell her mother you are NOT the babysitter."
She only comes around for gifts or if BM and her are arguing over petty shit.
Thankfully now at 16 she rarely comes around.
Thanks for your response! I
Thanks for your response! I am hoping as she gets older she will come less and less too. Happy to see you and your husband are able to work it at!
Someone else's 11-year-old
Someone else's 11-year-old kid comes over and eats your groceries and utilizes your resources without your approval.
Re-read and digest that.
In my situation, DW frequently arranges her kids to have friends over for sleep-overs, etc. Annoys me to no end. I'm prepared to go get a hotel room next time she does that.
Sometimes, she'll ask me if it's OK if they have so-and-so over IN FRONT OF HER KIDS, so if I say no, I'll be the bad guy. I'm to the point now, where I will say, "Y'know, asking that in front of the kids puts me on the spot. Let's let this be the first time, and just so you know, it'll be this way EVERY time you put me on the spot... NO. Putting people on the spot is rude, and I won't reward that."
If she asks me in private, I'll insist that she tell me a clear plan. "Who's delivering said grocery grabber? When? Is it a special occasion? How long will they be here? Will I be expected to feed this person? When will this person be leaving? Who will be delivering this person to their home base? You know, just the basics, and if you don't know, then I'll have to say NO. If it's really important, have your kids work all that out ahead of time and present it to us, but this spur of the moment garbage has got to stop."
Not sure if you can glean some thoughts about my situation and what my plan is, that you may consider some of the ideas for your own use, but please feel free.
Don't wanna be the bad guy
Don't wanna be the bad guy either... but I am at the point where I don't even care! I am not gonna put up with it in my home! Thanks for your advice!
I'm sure you know... Good
I'm sure you know...
Good guys set and maintain boundaries.
Good guys respect the boundaries of society as well as the reasonable boundaries of those with whom they live.
Good guys seek ways to improve on a regular basis, and welcome respectful constructive feedback, as well as politely offer some coaching and mentoring to give feedback to those close to them.
Good guys know when other good guys have their best interests in mind.
How is your SO's ex measuring up? While you can't control her, you can point it out to your SO how this is incompatible with your home.
How are the SKids measuring up? If they need help, it'll be better to have SO engage them to help them out.
How is your SO measuring up? Does he have your back and all that?
Overall, after you assess it, you might find it's not a big problem, and just a few small things to address.
He is a really good guy! he
He is a really good guy! he does measure up. I do believe I am the one lacking in this situation. But i still feel like change has to be made. His ex will never be any help she will just yank her from him. You're right. It's not that bad, cuz she is 11 after all. Thanks for your advice.
Maybe she will get better
Maybe she will get better with time, in the meantime, I think you should get out of the house with your kids as much as you can when she is there. Your SO does not have to agree. You need to protect your kids and your sanity.
If and when your SD gets better, you can reintroduce your kids.